This is so surreal! Daddy and mommy are reconciled for less than a week and already you are growing within me. We are both so thrilled! Your brother and sisters are ready to watch and hear you grow inside of me. We are so honored to be chosen to be your family.
Daddy made an offer on a house here in West Valley, just a few streets over from the house we are renting right now. Hopefully we won't have far to move, so that your siblings can keep the same friends and so that you can go to the same school that they are going to. Mommy and daddy love each other very much and promise to give you the bes tlife we possibly can.
Grandpa Don is having heart problems, dear God, I hope he will still be with us to watch you grow as he has his other 8 grandchildren.
You, dear little one, are growing so fast my jeans are already tight.....Makes me wonder if there aren't two of you in there. Mario has named you if you are a boy: Miles. You're only 3 weeks old and already you have captured the hearts of your family.
Daddy doesn't want everyone to know just yet so only your brother and sisters and Auntie Jenn know that you are growing inside of me. He's afraid you may be an angel baby. So we are enjoying your growth quietly until we can hear your glorious little heart swishing away inside me.
I love you little one.... more later
Good morning little sunshine!
It was a long night. Mommy and daddy stayed up too late looking at more houses. The sellers didn't accept our offer for their house. God will direct us to the right one so we weren't tooo disappointed. We just are accepting that we might have to change neighborhoods which is a little frustrating. We don't want a lot of extra transition for your brother and sisters.
You've decided not to be hungry for sausage and biscuits today. (We didn't get sick, but there was NO way we were going to eat them.) But you're daddy sure enjoyed them so they didn't go to waste
You're still growing by leaps and bounds. I'll have to start buying maternity pants in another couple of weeks. You're filling in the space left by Mario and the girls, so we're not gaining weight just yet. I'm still a little nervous that there are two of you in there. When we see you on ultrasound we'll know for sure (as long as one of you isn't hiding). I love you
Valerie: I was talking about you so much that I want you to come home right now but you couldn't because you still need to grow so much more. I hug you and kiss you and make sure you get enough to eat and enough rest. Mom says I don't need to worry, but I just want to hold you and smell you're soft baby smell. I told mom I'll change your diapers and help keep you safe. I love you. :P
Mario: Hello little one. How do you like it in there? What do you like in there? Do you like being so close to mommy? Do you like it being so dark and warm? Won't be long and you'll be on the outside of mommy and you can play with me. I hope you're a boy so we can annoy your sisters like they annoy me. That way I won't be so bored all the time. I love you.
VaNessa: I love singing songs about you! You're so beautiful and little. I will hold you very carefully and keep you safe. I love you.
Looks like your siblings have some wonderful plans for you!
What can I say? JaNell is one of the 3 most wonderful things that have ever happened to me. I guess I now will add one to that to say that she is one of 4. When I was a teenager I would dream of having a family. I drempt of being a Dad, of holding my little sugar bean up on my shoulders so they could get a glimpse of what the world looked like from my prespective then I would tell them to not be in a hurry to grow up! I love the life I have found in my family and now we are going to have a wee one! I think about seeing him/her, I think about feeling him/her falling asleep on my chest. Just watching him/her from the moment she/he comes into this world. I would be lieing if I didn't say I was a little scared. I want the best for all 4 of my kids and as I look back I see I could have done a lot more so that they would have had some things better. Of course being a good parent and having a good family to grow up in is mostly what kids need. It truly doesn't matter if kids wear Nikes or Trax shoes as long as they have shoes! I can't wait to feel my son/daughter growing inside my beautiful wife. I dream of the day when I can hold him/her for the first time. And so I leave you with this poem I wrote 4 years ago, before I had ever met my wife. Just to show that when God all mighty says that he will fullfill all the desires of your heart, he aint kiddin' folks!!!!
P.S. If you know what Trax brand shoes are then you'll remember those 3 zig-zag white stripes and you'll laugh about it now, I'm laughing with you!
When I look at you, I see deep inside... myself.
I want to touch you like rain to the drought-ridden earth.
I yearn for your rhythm, as you feel me.
God created beauty just for you.
It was not power, or a blink of an eye that he used to make you.
God set his hands to the clay that is your body.
He molded you, every inch, inside and out.
I might be a fool to believe that fire could forge us together.
Passion is that fire, where two become one.
A hopeless romantic.
If the stars are in the heavens to be a sign of Gods awesome infinity, and love for us.
Then you are my stars.
You are solace.
I want you to teach me so much.
As bright as the sun, as gentle as a butterfly.
Your most intimacies I wish to cherish.
Their radiance could easily blind me.
Such a small price to pay.
Places only your love would let me go.
The only one you reach for.
For now I only watch.
For now I only dream.
For now, I already love you.
OK so i'm sitting here with gentle tears streaming down my face. Daddy wouldn't let me read his post last night and now i see why. What a sweet sweet man.
Yesterday, I actually had some energy to get somethings done around the hosue. It helped that Mario was home from school to help keep Nessie occupied. I actually got a little bit of a sleep during rest time yesterday.
I tool the last pg test in the house and the positive line came in darker and before the test line. Daddy was visibly thrilled to see the pink line so dark!!!
Today looks to be a typical day. Mario is going to school and the girls are still asleep and it's almost 8am . Daddy doesn't go to work until 11 this am. We are still searching for the right house in the right neighborhood for the right price. The relator said that he wants to wait a month or two before we really buckle down and get super serious about looking. MOre houses should be on the market by then. Of the 12 houses we gave to him to check out, 6 had already sold. We'll find what we're looking for if we are quiet enough to hear God guiding us to the right place.
I found out yesterday that my dear friend Tara is working towards her GED. I'm so proud of her for that since we had discussed in depth her strengths and earning potential before I left your daddy and went back to MN this last May. And here she is plugging away at it and desiring deeply to go to college to obtain her ECD. Pride just burst forth in my heart for her!!! It's so awesome to still have my dear friends still be dear friends after all that had happened. And to think that her Austin and Mario and her Taylor and Val are both good friends and in the same classrooms this year. Hopefully her Ashley and Nessie will be able to have the same experience. Who knows maybe she'll get pregnant sometime in the next 6 months and we'll have another set of angels sharing their life together. God is sooooooo good.
Grace and forgiveness are such amazing things when administerred to a broken and contrite heart. i truly love my husband and know that we are both working hard with open hearts to avoid that chasm that split us up. He has learned so much and I have learned to be patient and focus only on him. It's so much easier trusting his parenting skills seeing his commitment to the children and to the house and our life together. I don't feel that he's an "uncle" to the kids anymore, but truly their daddy. He has really stepped up to the plate and is wearing his daddy hat 24/7. It took having us and losing us to help him realize that he is no longer a bachelor. The transformation is like watching a butterfly unfurl from it's chrysalis with strong beautiful able wings.
I am so confident in his desires and good intentions, which I've already seen him turn into actions, that now I am thrilled to be pg with you dear sweet little child. When we lost your brother/sister last year, I was almost relieved. At that time I couldn't see myself going through another pregnancy and doing all the work for another child alone the way I did with Nessie. What an amazing transformation to watch him be so focused. He doesn't go to work and come home and sit in his Lay-z-boy all night the way he used to. He actually comes home and spends time with your brother and sisters!!!!!!!!
I am so blessed to have this restoration in our family!!!
I love you little one,
Ok little one this is mom's journal. And I've got a lot on my mind tonight.
Starting with the appointment today for insurance coverage. I can't believe your dad was willing to just sit back and wait however long it was going to take for them to call us. I got antsy after 20 min of waiting and practically had to DRAG him up there to see what the hold up was after nearly an hour. At least the appt didn't take as long and I'm allowed to have a midwife (YAY!) I'm beginning to rethink this whole Bradley approach as I'm not sure he has the guts to stand up and advocate for me during labor. If we decide no epidural and I'm going through strong pains, I'm not sure he'll be able to say no when they offer medication. I"d like to think he can be, but after today the pussycat in him became more apparent. This is his first pregnancy so I should be easy on him, because we've decided that this will be our last. Also I'm really concerned about how he feels about this pregnancy (we've decided to refer to the baby as "Miles"). It's like he's in some way either ashamed of being pregnant so soon or afraid of what all his friends will say or just plain afraid. It just makes me angry!!!!!!! Or mamybe he's just in shock all of a sudden so much on his plate. That's no reason to minimize my feelingsor not be thrilled about Miles. just frustrating that he doesn't want to shout from the mountaintops that his dreams are all coming true. The wife the child the house!!! He had the audacity to say that he felt that we should keep our being pregnant to ourselves that it's a private matter and not any of anyones damn business. Really pissed me off. He did that when we got married and I couldn't tell anyone until we moved out here. He slowly told his friends., the way he wants to share news of Miles. Really bugs me!!!!!!!
Then Jenn calls and challenges the conception date. That blew me away and really hurt. She thought that I concieved in MN. There's no way. You have to have SEX to concieve!!! And my last AF was either 12/26 or 12/27. She felt really bad even thinking that way, and after the way I was when I left Ray last May I guess I don't blame her. But ouch! oh well that's water under the bridge. I've forgiven her as she has forgiven me as Jesus has commanded. After writing this out tonight I will also forget and remove the incident from my memory.
All in all a lot was accomplished today as far as Miles is concerned. The Edd has been changed to 10/2 and the first real appt and u/s will be 2/11 at 12:45 with my midwife who comes with a lot of recommendations. Ray says he is really excited about having a baby, but is scared too. We are raising 3 children already so I guess I don't completly understand why he's afraid of a newborn. But I will do my best to give him the space he needs to sort out his feelings and accept this in his own way.
I truly love Raymond in a way that I didn't think was possible to love another human . That complete eros,phileo,agape all at once love. The friendship, passion, acceptance we share with and for each other I can't imagine ever finding in anyone else. I feel so complete with him.
Enough for now..
I love you little Miles (or Victoria...or both)
OOPS.......... Looks like I didn't write anything yesterday.
I went to the library yesterday in city center. My goal was to check out books on the BRadley must read list, but couldn't find one of them there. I did check out two great midwifery books. Sisters on a Journey by Penfield Chester and InaMay's Guide to Childbirth by InaMay Gaskin. I've been very caught up reading InaMay's book. It is a wonderful book. Having had a horrible vaginal birth with my oldest 47 hrs of back labor including pushing pains-narcotics-and doctors and nurses who wouldn't tell me what was going on with my body, an induction with epidural with Valerie kind gentle doctors and nurses, and a wonderfully natural birth where I labored at home until my water broke and I was at a '6'when I went to the hospital to have Nessie. I am elated to begin this pregnancy with the projected outcome of a natural birth. I already have secured an appt with one of the best midwives in the Valley. It is romured that after she has so many clients for the same timeframe she refers potential clients elsewhere. Guess there's a benefit for being so in-tune with myself I knew I was pregnant at the time of conception. I'm going to the local branch of the library today I really want to check out The Thinking Women's Guide to Pregnancy.
Ray actually read the Bradley info I found for him on the internet. He turned to me and said so basically I'd be your labor coach. We then had a long discussion about the difference of being a labor coach and being the person in charge of the delivery room. I found the Bradley approach to be a tad sexist, but in balance with our Christian beliefs that align with Ephesians 5 with the husband as the head of the house. I explained to him how much I'm going to count on him to be our communicator with the hospital staff to ensure that my needs for peace and tranquility in the room are met during labor and that NO ONE PUTS ANYTHING IN MY CHILD"S MOUTHS. No pacifier, No bottles and that Miles is brought to me if he is in the nursery or it's at night when he needs me. My mother even undermined this process for me by giving my children their first feedings. That was very frustrating! Especially when I clearly indicated that I would be breastfeeding my babes.
Mom is 1600 miles away from me now and it will be during harvest when I give birth so I doubt that she will be able to fly out for it. I know her priorities are with Don and the field work. That was made clear when I gave birth to VaNessa alone. (VaNessa's father and I were separated at the time and our divorce was final less than 2 weeks after she was born.) I was alone because mom had to transport a tractor to Springield or give dad a ride home or something. She was at the hospital minutes after she was born. I guess I'm still frustrated over that and I need to let it go. I asked her to call Larry and fly over, but she thought I'd be in labor a lot longer than I was. I really need to let this go!!!
I have such a deep desire to have this pregnancy and birth to go so much more postivly than my previous ones. I hope that Ray really gets excited and loses his fear of what may happen. He bases so much of his belief system on what everyone else has said. If it is not in his realm of experience, or if his friends have experienced things differently he thinks the experience doesn't exist. Example, I say my feet are itchy, but it's the pregnancy hormones. He'll come back the next day after work and tell me that no it can't be pregnancy hormones. Then I'll have to go through the work of finding and showing him scientific proof via the internet that itchy feet can be caused by pregnancy hormones. His response to that is a non-chalant, huh that's wierd, no one i know has had that happen........ grrrrrrrr.......... He is getting better though.
One the house-hunt.... looks like we won't be getting a house in the near future... We are shooting for either August, or next summer. We won't be uprooting the children mid-schoolyear. And i WILL NOT move when I'm in my 9th month. That's ok the neighbor's around here are pretty decent for the most part. We are all a little disapointed at the mortgage company who repeatedly dragged her feet. The 48hrs she originally told us it would take to determine our loan took a week and a half. The realator she referred us to wanted us to do all the house hunting when that's HIS job. I'm glad we've decided to use different people when we look again.
Better get some Saturday cleaning done........... more later..
I love you little one!
Hello little one,
Reading the posts I've left the last few days... Mommy must be getting a tad hormonal Also, the nausea has started to come on pretty strong.. . little meals all day long seem to be helping.
Jenn and Josh came over last night to celebrate Jenn's 33rd b-day. THat was neat. We were supposed to go to Applebee's for appetizers and drinks, but I just didn't feel up to it. We chatted for at least 2 hours. She's really tired today. Must be old age
Mario, Valerie and Nessie are flopped all over the living room watching the latest Land Before Time movie. I was reminiscing with dh last night that the first ones came out when I was babysitting while in high school. They've had quite a run and still have fresh stories to tell. Pretty neat for a series that's been around for 15+ years. (Guess that means I'm getting old.)
We're really praying the house out in Tieton doesn't sell while we finish getting our financing straightened around. That house is GORGEOUS!!! It's generous in size and in a very nice neighborhood. The town of Tieton is less than 15 min from Yakima and is very rural. Lots of beautiful orchards around. Would be a great place to raise the kids without the bigcity pressures. We'll see. Only God can orchestrate this.
Dh had another "Necro-meeting" working on the graphic novel with Andy and John at the house yesterday morning. Ray is sooooooo excited to see his story of Necroman unfold with illustrations. The guys really make a good team. Too bad that Andy and John don't feel the same motivation Ray-Ray does. There is so much creative potential between the 3 of them. This concept could REALLY take off. Ray hasn't had enough time to do his writing lately, and I feel a little guilty about that. But I'm sure as time continues to roll on he'll carve time out to take care of his writing.
I just got a phone call from Leslie. It sure was sooooo nice to hear her voice and hear some of the Emmons gossip. I forget how much like a sister she is until we talk. Makes me a little sad. Life was so simple there. Not the easiest for me as I was a bit too serious for my age. But memories of there live within me. I told her about leaving Hendricks and all that was there. We talked about Ali and her brood, that Selena is pretty wrapped and insulated in her own world, and about Don's health & how mom's dealing with that. Emma is such a smart, slightly spoiled, little sweetie. I can't believe Leslie has lost sooooooo much weight, I'm starting to get a little jeaous as she weighs less than me. The little bit of jealous comes with so much pride for her sticking with everything and making it this far !!!!! YEAH LES!!!!!!!!!!
Well I better get some lunch wrestled up. I'm cold so I think it will be some nice warm comfort food.
Hello my little sweet baby,
I finished reading InaMay's book today. I definetly have a lot of great information to develope a realistic non-invasive birth plan. I am going to read more. I've started in "The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth" by Henci Goer. Great information and a lot of stats to help fine tune the birthing plan. It seems odd to me to be narrowing that down already, but at least with this information in hand I can be sure that my caregiver will be chosen carefully. Maybe I can have as easy of a birth with this child(ren?) as I did with Nessie. I also have Sisters On a Journey by Penfield Chester that I am starting into. Hopefully dh will want to read at least excerpts from these books to understand better what birth is like and how I want the birth process to go. (Even though a lot of how this goes depends on baby.)
One the home front, Aaron has finally moved out. Seems he hasn't paid anything into the household for 4 months. The kids now have more of their own space. The other roommate will be out before Mar 1. We have been approved for a home loan wooooooooo hoooooooooo!!!!!!!!! So now we can make an offer on the house in Tieton. yyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!
Ray is just sooooooooooo thrilled!!!!! I am too!!!!!!!
Ray took the time to write more of his book last night and has finished writing chapter 5! I'm so proud of him for taking the time to do that! He was so excited today. In his life the things he has most looked forward to have been having a wife, a biological baby, a house and to be published. We're working on all of that... 2 down 2 to go!
The kids are wound up pretty tight, I think they're excited about the new space they get to occupy. But it's 8:30 here and they're still up so I better go encourage them to settle in a bit better,
Love you little one!
Hello little sugar bean,
It has been a long day. We woke up at 6:30 cause i had to pee, and have been up ever since. We didn't get much accomplished since we are so cold. It was hard to get warm today. If there are too many more days like this i will call my cnm. When I did finally start to get warm i ran a low grade temp., then after a while i felt normal. I'll get more fluids and be more careful about what i eat to balance our diet.
We drove out to Tieton today. What a strange little burg. There would be a ramshackle house about to fall down next to a $500,000 mansion. Strange. we look at a house out there on Saturday. The town gives me a strange feeling, but dh is sold on living out there. Will be interesting to see the interior of this house. The house we looked at today was in town near wher dh works and was not near worth what they were asking for. Tiny passages in the kitchen and an over-all cramped feeling. Not good.
Mario is getting extra help in school processing his thoughts and getting them out on paper. I had problems with that when i was his age and I know the extra help will work for him. He has been forgetting his homework all week, so is in "chore-boy" mode for the night. Very frustrating. But he has done the extra chores I've assigned hime without too much complaining. Dh is going to take him to school tomorrow am and talk to his teacher to see what we can come up with to stop this behavior. He does come by it honetly as these are the same problems I had at his age in school.
Valerie is at AWANA tonight. she is actually is starting to really like going. She can be so shy at first. She's coming out of her shell more and even talks to me about some of her AWANA friends.
Nessie is exercising her toddler-hood strongly this evening as she has dumped out several things and has had corner time 2x's already in the last 2 hrs. grrrrrrrrrrrr.
Some days are like that.
better run and get more laundry done.
I love you little babe.
Wow!!! I've been ignoring the boards for a while. Not a whole lot going on other than being EXTREMELY exhausted.... oh and....... ... the HORROR-MONES. ...I know that once we get through this pregnancy my family and I will be able to climb mountains. I love my husband even more now knowing that he is truly totally and completly with me on this.
I had my first U/S yesterday(Changed the due date to 10/2). Everything looks great and there's only ONE!!! YEAH!! We are kicking around 2 names: Miles Christian or Samuel Christian...... or if this is a girl.. Victoria Gayle. Ray is sooooooooo excited!! It was so sweet having my husband with me and get just as teary eyed as I did when we heard that little heart beat. He was so thrilled. Everyone who was at work with him last night saw the little sugar bean.
All is well with the older children as well. Mario is doing better in school, Valerie is getting used to our family routines, and Nessa is her usual self