Counting the days

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Counting the days

I guess I'm going to start a journal here. I was unsure whether I would.
I am feeling a lot better about this pregnancy now. I'm officially "more pregnant" than I ever have been, so I'm exploring new territory, and I'm excited about waking up every day to see what my belly, my body, and my baby are doing.
I lost my first daughter at 18 1/2 weeks. She had a fatal heart defect. That was really devastating for my husband and me, mostly because we loved our daughter, even though she was still so small. She was still our daughter and she was given to us to love and protect, but we couldn't do that. But it was also horrible because it is one of those things that, going into your first pregnancy young and bright-eyed and hopeful, you really don't think that something like that would ever happen to you and your baby. So it was a bursting of that bubble, a "loss of innocence", to wear out a phrase. Three months following the loss of our daughter, I got pregnant again, only to lose that poor baby almost immediately. I loved that baby, too, but it was such a short time- I only knew I was pregnant for about two weeks and didn't have much time to bond or know the baby. It didn't hurt as bad as losing our daughter, but it made it start to seem like we would never have good news again, like we were walking under some horrible black cloud of a curse that we had no idea how to lift.
But, we're troopers (at least when it comes to BD Smile ) and I got pregnant again 2 months later. I'm now about 19 weeks along. We had an ultrasound on Tuesday and our baby is beautiful. The heart looked so, so different this time, it was amazing. With our first daughter, the heart had filled up the entire chest, it was this monsterous, pulsating thing. It must have been painful for her. But this baby's heart is small and strong, with four chambers. I also got an fetal echocardiogram yesterday. It was in the same room that we had sat in for hours, having cardiologist after cardiologist look at our first daugher's heart, before they finally told us that there was no chance for her. This time, my husband couldn't be with me, and I wish he could have because it was actually pretty hard to sit in that room and go through that . But it was wonderful to see my baby again. And, cardiologist (only one of them this time- they don't call all their buddies if nothing is wrong), after only a short time of looking at the video, came and told my that our baby's heart is strong and perfect. I am so happy.
Oh- did I mention they think we're having a daughter again?

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I deserve to take at least half my lunch hour today, darnit. I'm going to work tomorrow (Saturday). We're just so busy lately and I can hardly keep my mind on anything. My brain is wandering in la-la land.
I just ate steamed vegetables and rice for lunch. I need some protien, but I'm so tired of all the lunch places around here. I'll eat a big, fat slab of something for dinner, I promise, baby girl. Even if it's just tofu.
Actually I have a craving for a California Roll and maybe some ibi- I think that's what you call the shrimp. There's this place not too far from here that makes the best sushi, and they speak to you in Japanese and seat you at those little ground-level tables behind the paper doors, where you get to take your shoes off and sit on cushions. Yummy. Well, maybe next week I'll go there, even though I can't have the raw fish. Supposedly it could be bad for baby. A lot of things are supposed to be bad for baby, it seems like just about everything.
I wish you had a name, baby. We haven't really thought of one yet. It seems weird to name you while you are still in my big 'ol belly, but I get tired of calling you "baby" or "monkey". But, you aren't really of this world yet and I suppose you don't need to get a name plastered on you until you decide to join us. We just called your sister "little creature" and I think she gets to keep that distinction, because of the same reasoning: she didn't want to be part of this world, and so we won't make her carry a name from this world. (Your mommy has some weird ideas, baby). We'll see, anyhow - I guess it would be good to give you a name and try it out on you, before it becomes permanent. You can just kick me really hard if you don't like the name when we say it, right? Right.
By the way- thank you for kicking your dad last night so that he could feel you. That really made him happy.

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Well- good morning. It's Monday but only one week from tomorrow until I start my vacation. I can't wait!!! My husband and I take these great road trips every year. This time we're not going any further than northern California, mostly we plan on just driving around eastern Oregon and camping. I love the desert.
I actually bought some baby clothes yesterday. I have two huge bags full of baby stuff that other people have given me- both for our first baby and for this one- but these were the first items I bought for this baby (things were so cute, and they were on sale). Just two things- this cute little summer outfit for 6-9 months (for next year). It's a pair of red-and-white-checked pants that tie at the ankles, and then a little frock shirt with red flowers embroidered down the front. I also bought a three-pack of cute little baby socks. They're so little. I showed them to my husband, thinking he would just roll his eyes at me but he just smiled and played with the little tiny toes. We thought about putting them on the cat to try them out but decided that the cat probably wouldn't think that was funny Biggrin I can't wait until you can wear them, baby. I really have to work on this patience thing. It is getting better now that I can feel you move, and see my belly getting bigger. But I am really counting the days, and setting myself little goals, because December 29th seems so far away. My next goalpost is 20 weeks, which happens this weekend. Then 27 weeks. After that, I hope I don't care anymore. I really need to just enjoy every moment of this pregnancy. I know you will get here in your own time, and that I am really making the time go slower by trying to speed it up. Then before I know it you'll be in college.

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Well, another day another dollar.
Baby hasn't been moving much lately. Last Thursday I could feel her squirming and punching and kicking and basically having a great old time in there. Since then I only feel the odd nudge every now and then. My midwife says this is normal for 19 weeks, because there is still plenty of room for the baby and so if she is in the middle of the uterus I won't be able to feel her. It seems wierd that something that is 8 inches long and living in my belly could go mostly unnoticed for so long. I mean, in theory, if you were to swallow a live and feisty kitten (not that I would recommend that -talk about TMI, poor kitty) you would think you'd be able to feel it. But then again, kittens have claws and, thankfully, my baby does not.
Well, it might rain here and scour some of the smog out of the air. Cars, cars, cars, people, people, people. I will never get used to living in the city.

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Well, baby not kicking me sure bugged me. I had horrible nightmares last night about losing her. Of course, I was reading a scary book before I went to bed, called lulliby by wassisname, the guy who lives her in Portland and wrote Fight Club. Anyway, I didn't even read very far, but the guy has a way with words, he can really create a mood, and he is telling these stories about crib deaths and such. I know, I know, I shouldn't be reading books like that, but I'm such a geek and I needed some light summer reading. But this morning when we woke up Bill was rubbing my tummy (it is one of his days off and he didn't have to leave at 3:00 a.m.) and baby kicked me right where he was rubbing. I told him and he got all excited and tried to feel her again but she laid still after that, until later when she started up again. She must love her daddy already, and with good reason. He is such a wonderful man. I can say this with certainty as I have known some not-so-wonderful men in my life. My ex-husband... well, he actually loved me, and he didn't beat me or anything, but he just turned out to be a horrible alcoholic and a heroin addict. It took a lot to leave him, but it just got so bad. He stole everything I owned, everything my parents owned, lied to me at every turn. But when you love somebody, it is hard to leave them, thinking that without you to take whatever care of them you can, they might die. And he was much better than my previous boyfriend who used to beat me every day and call me stupid and ugly, and do such horrible things. I still can't stand to think about it. But it was for the best that all this has happened, because I love Bill more than anything. It was really meant to be.
My ex-husband actually just got out of prison, and seems to be doing a lot better. He has hepatitis B and C something fierce, and of course they didn't take care of him in the "joint" so he's pretty sick now. I guess I am so, so lucky that I don't have that horrible disease, or anything worse. When I found out he was sick and that he had been doing drugs and sharing needles- I found out he was sick after we got divorced- I got tested for everything under the sun and I got a clean bill of health. You can't imagine the feeling of relief.... I don't know what I have done to deserve such luck, but I will take it as it comes. But, since that was in my medical records, that my ex was a needle drug user, they watched me really close when I was pregnant the first time. The damn midwife was even testing my pee for drugs!!!! That pissed me off so bad that she would think I would do something like that to my poor baby. But, since I am obviously not like that as was apparent from the drug testing, they're not worried during this pregnancy. It scared me so bad last time, because I used to work for a lawyer that defended parents who lost their kids to the state. Now, don't get me wrong, some of them were horrible parents. But some of them lost their children on pure conjecture, and one lady lost her daughter permanently because she was taking prescription seizure medication during her pregnancy and it turned up in a UA after her daughter was born. A month later she was killed by a drunk driver as she was crossing the street.
I am grateful for everything I have, and I hope I never have to pass through the troubles that some people experience.
I love you baby. I have to go back to work.

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Well, I'm here at work incredibly early, and I should get to work really. My boss is the best boss in the world and he let me take Friday off, too, to go on an outing with a girlfriend of mine and her preggo friend. They rented a cabin in the woods, and I'm really looking forward to it.
I got an email from my errant ex-husband yesterday. I still stay in contact with him maybe against all better sense. But what is better sense anyway? He is clean now, and he is the same guy he was before he started doing all that crap, which is good to know, because that person is a pretty good person, if still a little immature and lazy. Anyway, he finally got his medical coupons and went into the doctor, to get his liver checked out since he has been so sick. They said that it might actually be a genetic condition, on top of the hepatitis, that causes his immune system to attack his liver. I guess a transplant and the regular treatments therefore aren't options and so he might not have very long to live. This is what he says, anyway- he tends to be dramatic sometimes.
Some people would say he deserves to die, but I don't think so. Besides putting people through a lot of worry, and stealing from them, he has never really meant to hurt anybody. Addiction is a horrible thing, and hard to explain to somebody who has never experienced it or watched a loved one go through it.
I can't really talk to anybody about this. My parents hate my ex, and I don't want to talk to my husband about it, that's not really what he wants to think about. Strangely enough, my ex was one of his best friends at one point. Bill was the one who really convinced me that I should leave him once things got so shitty, and it was weird, but like I said, it was all for the best in the end and things just fell into place. Oh well, keep it in the family as they say in our small town.
But anyway, it has been disturbing to me, talking to my ex and dealing with the news of his sickness- I mean, my ex is still my friend. I have known him well for ten years, and we have been through a lot together. But I had these horrible dreams last night about Bill turning into my ex. It was gross, really. Hard to explain how my subconscious is trying to deal with this. But I woke up just so glad that it was Bill next to me. I am so glad that Bill is who he is, and that he is healthy, and that we have a "normal" life. I was worried for a while that I was going to end up like one of those people on Jenny Jones or on Cops. It is not that I don't have compassion for my ex, but I am just so glad now that it is not really my problem anymore, I don't have to take care of him anymore, and I feel sort of guilty for that. But anyway, this is a pregnancy journal.
Baby is kicking me right now, and that is the most comforting thing in the world. Better than beef stew and homebaked bread in November.

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I just wanted to take a break and rave about my husband, because I've been thinking about him. We bought a used truck, and he got a really good deal on it so we could buy it with cash. He said "I'm at the time in a man's life when he just needs a truck", I guess to haul his family and all his stuff around. It needed a tune-up because we're going to take it on our vacation, and so he read the manual and did it all himself, without knowing much of anything-he just taught himself. I'm so proud of him. He was proud of himself, too: when I got home he showed me the dirty fuel filter (blech) and the horridly degenerated spark plugs and everything. He changed the oil and air filter and flushed out the radiator. He cleaned out the bed and the interior really well, too. My husband is so great, and he is going to be a wonderful father. He takes good care of things and appreciates what he has. He also knows how to save money, and he has such a kind heart. He's smart and funny and cute, too. I'm so very lucky.
That said, back to work.

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I got invited at the last minute to spend the weekend with my friend and her two kids, and another (pregnant) friend of hers and her son, plus an extremely hyperactive dog. We all squeezed into a one-room cabin in the woods at this neat little resort. People must have thought that we were the fertility triplets ore something. It was chaos, but it was fun, and it is good for me to be around kids. It made me confirm my plan of only having one kid, though. Not that children aren't great, but I just want to be able to really spend time with this kid, and my husband, and not have to spread myself so thin. I am an only child, and I don't think I would be as close with my parents if I had had siblings, although when I was younger I really wanted a brother or sister.
today is my last day before vacation, so I should really get back to work.

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Well I'm back from vacation Sad and my poor belly got sunburned and is itching like MAD... the only thing that will help it is warm water, but I'm at work. I don't know how I am going to make it today- I'd rather just be in PAIN than have this maddening itch. I should have known better, but I was only out for 1/2 an hour without sunscreen, and it was partly cloudy.
I have to do something...

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Well, I actually had to take the bus home and run hot water on my poor belly... I was early to work so I just ended up being on time anyway. For some reason that makes it feel better for a few hours. It is lunch time now and it is still fine....whew.
We had a wonderful vacation. We went to the Owyhee Mts. and the Hell's Canyon area, as well as Boise Idaho Smile After that we camped on the John Day River one night, then went to the coast for a little while, which is where I got the sunburn.
Monkey has been very active, and today she has decided that jumping on my bladder is terribly amusing. I know it is just the first day of the rest of my life, so to speak. My mom says we get the kids we deserve....

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Well, it's Monday. I had a pretty good weekend. I came to work on Saturday and then realized that I didn't even have that much to do, and it was making me feel like a lame-o. It made me take a good look at myself. What kind of person am I that I can't think of anything else to do on the weekend besides work? I mean, granted, I needed to make up some hours, but I can take a little pay cut. The last couple, three years I have been a pretty boring person, I guess. I have been clinging so hard to my idea of a "normal" life after my ex-husband and I split, that I haven't really focused on much else. I got myself back together and calmed myself down, and convinced myself that I could be an "effective" person in this society- meaning, I guess, that I could hold down a good job and not turn into total white trash. I spent a lot of time convincing Bill that he could trust me and that I love him (he went through a fairly traumatic long-term relationship, too). I moved out of my home town and got settled here, got married, and then had to deal with being unexpectedly pregnant and then losing my poor little creature. Somewhere in all that I lost sight of the things I like to do. I used to write a lot of short stories, play music all the time and record it on my little 4-track, I used to study herbal medicine and do volunteer work. I was also learning how to sew and knit. I haven't done much of any of that for quite a while. I just work and come home. I don't want my monkey to have such a boring mama, and really, I don't want to be that boring. I want my daughter to see me and help me do fun things, so that she will learn to be interested in things.
So I went to the craft store and bought a bunch of yarn and some knitting needles, and started knitting again. I'm going to make a beautiful little baby blanket for my monkey, to wrap her up in when she is born. I used to have my "blankie" when I was little, and I remember how comforting it was. I also played my acoustic guitar a lot for my monkey this weekend. It must sound neat to her in there. She would quiet down while I was playing, and when I would stop she would squiggle and kick. I like to think that she enjoys it. Talk about a captive audience Smile
But I feel a lot better now. I feel like I've woken up a little, and that a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I'm not one of those people that loves to work all the time, my priority has never been my job. I mean, I'm reliable and everything, but my job does not define me.
Speaking of which, it is almost 8:00 and I should get to work Smile

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Well I'm really taking my resolution to not work so much very seriously Lol . My boss is gone and I'm getting pretty bored. He won't be back until Tuesday.
We are now actively trying to decide on a name for you, monkey. We got a bunch of baby name books and have been looking through those. Lots of names are pretty or neat, but nothing seems to strike us as "the name" yet. Nothing seems to fit you except "monkey". Maybe nothing ever will just ring out like a bell and leave us without a doubt that it is your name. We have a while to decide, I guess. I'm only 22 weeks and some days yet.
My parents were over last night. They drove 3 hours to help my DH install a new garbage disposal, which was awfully nice of them. We discovered that it was leaking VERY badly underneath our sink and it looks like it has been for many years. It was all rotted and moldy under there, and it was REALLY bugging me. Our landlord does not jump on things like this so we just did it ourselves, or rather my DH and dad did it. They disinfected and then put a new floor in the cupboard underneath there, too, so it is not totally disgusting anymore. I feel much better about our little apartment now. I'm getting all nesty and wanting to put new contact paper in the cupboards and make curtains and stuff, and getting this done has just increased that nestyness.
My mom and I looked through the baby name books together last night. Some of the names got us laughing so hard. I was barely able to keep from peeing my pants, but that is increasingly a problem anyhow. Who would name their baby "Tequila" or "Baby"? I actually knew a guy who's name was Baby once. He was a big, big black guy, and it didn't fit him at all. But, he was big enough that no one gave him any sh*& about it.
Monkey, your daddy is so happy that you are coming. I have always thought of impending fatherhood as something that freaked men out and made them want to drink and cheat and run away, but your daddy rubs my belly where you are and tells you how much he loves you all the time. He kisses my belly, too and just smiles and smiles. I'm sure the fear of his impending "doom" must hit him sometimes, or might later-he already gets freaked out about finances sometimes- but he is going to be a great dad. I am so happy.

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Okay- I just got back from an appointment with the midwife- my normal one is on medical leave for 3 months Sad - and I have gained 20 freaking pounds in all. I was freaked out, although I knew I was getting big. The midwife says she is not freaked out about that amount of weight gain, that she thinks it is normal, although on the upper end of normal. We talked about my diet and she says I am doing okay, but that I should eat more protein and not so many carbohydrates. I also need more calcium. She says I should just forget about that number that was on the scale and just make sure that I am eating right and exercising, and that I should then have nothing to worry about. It is really hard to forget about that number. I am not going to tell anybody, because the people around me will make me obsess even more. Why are women in our society so freaked out about weight? I know, I know, it's the advertising industry that has done it. It is so unfair.
I think I am going to start posting what I eat in here, to keep track. Because there are some people who seem to read my poor little journal Biggrin it will also keep me honest and motivated if I post it here, because I will feel more guilt knowing there are some people out there that are shaking their heads and going tsk tsk when I eat crinkle cut french fries.
I will start at the end of today I guess, because it isn't even lunch time yet.

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Okay, I think I am going to do my diet posting by listing what I ate for dinner yesterday and then breakfast and lunch today, because I don't have a computer at home and have to post at work. I have been really bad lately, but the midwife says I'm not that bad :?
Wednesday dinner: Chicken salad with bacon from McDonalds and a few french fries from DH's plate Sad and a cup of chocolate pudding SadSad

Thursday Breakfast: Bowl of organic rice crispies with 1% milk. Walked to work and then had to have a packet of plain cream of wheat, too Biggrin

Thursday lunch : 6 inch Subway tuna fish sandwich on honey oat bread, with all the veggies, and a packet of Lays baked barbecue flavored chips

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Whew! It's crazy around work and I haven't been able to post. The firm we were subletting from has moved and now we are in a bare office trying to get all the machinary to work.
I am not going to try to remember what I ate all weekend. I will start with yesterday

Breakfast: blueberry yogurt
Snack: apple
Lunch: soy burger, chips and fresh salsa
Dinner: beef stroganoff and green beans, cranberry juice
Dessert: Nonfat vanilla yogurt and banana

Today for breakfast I've had more vanilla yogurt and some Cream of Wheat.
Sure is boring to list what I've eaten, but I think it will help me. We'll see.

I've been reading lots of pregnancy/birth books lately to try to prepare myself. My DH has been reading them too. I don't think that we are going to take a childbirth class. The only ones I am seriously interested in are the Bradley or Birthing from Within classes, but they are sooooo expensive, and I don't know that I would learn much beyond what the books will teach me. I am practicing the techniques in both the Birthing from Within and Natural Childbirth the Bradley Way books. I am reading up on any interventions the hospital might try to do so that DH and I can decide for ourselves whether or not they might actually be necessary. I think I am going to have my mom at the birth, too, instead of paying for a doula. I think I will be more comfortable with my mommy there than with a stranger. My mom and I are very close and she shares my birth philosophy, more or less, and I'm going to give her some books to read. My plan is to go totally natural. My mom didn't have any drugs with me, even though she had a 48 hour labor and they gave her Pitocin halfway through, which makes things more painful or so I hear. She tells me I can do it and I believe her. My friend has had two babies at home with no pain relief and she has nothing but wonderful things to say about the birthing experience. It seems like people who get drugs actually tell more horror stories about the pain than those who don't . OUr minds have a way of getting through the pain, blocking it out, and I think drugs interfere with that.
I am also looking into water birth. I think I will have the birthing pool set up. I know I will want it for labor (a warm bath will help almost anything, in my experience) even though I may not actually want to give birth in there, I don't know.
Here is a (bad) picure of me a few weeks ago, at about 19 weeks (I'm 23 1/2 weeks or thereabouts now):

I should get to work.

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Work is so crazy lately and I don't get time to post every day, so i am going to give up trying to track my diet here. Right now I don't even want to think about it. I just want to have a big slice of ice cream cake with layers of fudge and brownie and cookies n' cream ice cream from Ben & Jerry's, the kind with whole cookies in it. Maybe some Cherry Garcia, too.

Fall is arriving here in Oregon. I love the fall, it is my favorite season, followed closely by spring. I love the smell and the feeling of these cool rainy days, but I sometimes miss the fall in the desert over on the other side of the mountains, where everything smells like apples and dry grass, and sage when it rains, and when it is sunny it is that bright, clear sunshine that isn't too hot. I also love the change of the seasons this year because it means I am closer to meeting my little monkey.

I really need to get back to work.

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I am going to take a deep breath and take time to write in here. And I am not going to write about work.
On the December board a topic was started regarding "to do" lists before our babies are born. I haven't gotten anything done yet! People have bought us a bunch of clothes, but I haven't washed or sorted them yet. We haven't put together the dresser that monkey's clothes are going to go in. We just got it on Sunday I might get a changing table, too, or I might just get a changing pad to strap to the top of the dresser. I think I will probably need a separate changing table, so I will have a drawer or something to put the cloth diapers in. It seems like it will be so long until Christmastime when our Monkey will finally breathe the outside air, but I guess it is only, let's see... 112 days. Well, I guess that is long enough. I don't have a nursery to paint or decorate because monkey will be sleeping with us. I guess I just have no idea what I need to do to get prepared, I have no idea how to be a parent.... I never even had brothers or sisters so I didn't get to learn how to take care of them. All my childcare experience comes from babysitting, and I've never even done that regularly. However, no child has ever been hurt or started a fire while in my care, so i guess that is in my favor. I might have inadvertently tought a few how to cuss, though :oops: . I guess I'll get plenty of advice on how to take care of my kid, whether I like it or not. And I'll love my Monkey, and so will her daddy, and we'll do the best we can. I guess that is all we can do.
I wonder about you a lot, Monkey. Do you have any idea who I am yet, or even that I exist? Or do you just know that you are in a warm, comfortable place? I can't wait to meet you and look into your eyes. I can't wait to see how your brain works, and watch you discover the world.

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I can't concentrate at work today. God, I'm so emotional . Last night for some reason I got super depressed all of the sudden, and had a lot of paranoia about losing my DH, or having him turn into a total loser all of the sudden, like my ex husband. I was pretty good about not getting all weird on poor DH, because that would make him really nervous and sad. I just curled up by him so I could feel him there. My DH is so good, he treats me so well, I have no reason to think he would ever do things to me like men have done to me in the past, and no reason to think that he would, for instance, suddenly quit his job and decide to drink and do drugs all day or something. I mean- I came home from work and he had put new contact paper under the sink, cleaned the house, and then he offered to go get dinner because I was tired.
I guess it boils down to I have a lot of psychological issues regarding my past and I've never felt the need to get counseling- despite the repeated suggestions of every professional that has ever heard my little "story". Just sometimes I get like this. The rest of the time I'm perfectly fine. I personally think this is the human condition.
Have I ever even talked about my past in here? I guess I'm writing this journal mostly for myself, so I might not have. But it would probably be good for my own personal well-being to write about it at some point. I have talked about my ex-husband, the alcoholic junkie (recovering, sort of) that just got out of prison, bless his poor soul. He actually "saved" me from a much more horrible relationship (actually, my relationship with my ex wasn't that horrible at first). I had this goddamn "friend" in high school... you know, I really don't have time to write about this right now, not in a way that would be healthy for me. I'm at work and I really should be working.

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Okay, where was I...
Anyway, when I was like 13 or so I had this guy friend who needed a place to live because his mom was a total bitch and had kicked him out or something, I can't even remember. I mentioned it to my parents and they took him in. Maybe I even asked them to take him in, I probably did, who knows. He wasn't my boyfriend at the time, but after he moved in he kinda became my boyfriend. But I wasn't really into him like that. I remember when I told him we should just be friends, first he begged me to stay with him, then he started telling me that I was worthless, ugly, and stupid and nobody else would ever love me so I should just stay with him, and then, after that, he started to beat me up if I didn't want to have sex with him. I must have been 14 by that time. I got so I believed him that nobody else would ever love me. I was kind of an awkward and different kid, because I had skipped second grade and was always younger, always trying to fit in when the other kids were into Madonna and Michael Jackson and stuff, and I was into writing short stories and reading, especially the Tolkein books which I loved to the point where I was dressing up in cloaks and wearing a little ring made of copper wire on a chain around my neck (okay, so I was a geek- still am, and proud of it Smile ). It did get better in high school, but I didn't really fit in until I found my niche when I was like 15, so I was pretty vulnerable when this guy got to me. Am I making excuses for myself? I guess so. But it is all in the past now.
By the end of the school year he had gotten me pregnant. He kicked and punched me in the stomach when he found out. That little one didn't make it. I never even think about that poor little one, I never count her, I guess that isn't fair. But que sera sera, and what's done is done.
At that time he found a new girlfriend and convinced her parents to let him move in with them. By the end of the summer he got kicked out of there and was begging my parents to let him come back. I told them that I would run away if they let him but they said they had made a pact to get him through high school. So he came back.
That was a horrible time. But I did start finding friends, people who liked to play music and write stories and paint and tell jokes. They were mostly guys and he tried to turn them against me, but I guess I won in the end. Ha ha, and now he's a toothless, worthless bastard and I'm doing great, most of the time.

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Okay, so on to less heavy topics Dirol like I am soooooo tired. I have an appointment tomorrow and I'm going to have them check me for anemia. I even have dreams about how tired I am! I don't like feeling this way and I hope it doesn't last the whole rest of the pregnancy, because I have a lot to get done at work. It doesn't help I guess that DH wants to "do it" all the time. We did it twice yesterday! I really love being with him and I don't have the heart to tell him that I'm so tired that I can't really enjoy it in the traditional sense. Besides, I'm so uncomfortable, and I feel like a roly-poly little beach ball, not a very sexy way to feel. I guess it doesn't bother DH though.
I washed Monkey's clothes last weekend, folded them and put them away. They are so cute! I just loved having them in my hands and imagining what they would look like on her. Especially those cute, tiny little socks.
We have a lot more to buy, but I have two baby showers coming up, the last weekend of October and the first weekend of November. We will still have time to buy anything we didn't get at the showers.
Monkey may finally have a first name. We've kinda settled on Branwen. It means White Raven in Welsh. Since I come from Welsh stock (partly) I guess it makes sense. Doesn't lend itself much to a nickname (Branny?) but we can just call her Monkey :roll:

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gosh I'm tired... and when I walk to work now I get these horrible, horrible cramps in my calves, my right one especially, where it just freezes up and I end up limping like some pathetic, downtrodden wastrel until I can sit down somewhere. I think it has something to do with my sciatica. I sure hope it passes because I don't want to give up my walks.
Did I mention my boss is going to buy me a new computer so I can work from home after the baby comes? My boss is Dirol super excellente. He has this program that will allow me remote access to our server and I guess even to my hard drive, it will be just like I'm sitting at my computer now. I'll get like a month completely off work, and then I'll work from home and come in with the baby to do the stuff that I can't do remotely, like filing (ugh) and billing and bank deposits. My boss is neat, and I'm very lucky.
Well, I have an appointment with my midwife this morning. I'm going to ask her to check me for anemia, just to make sure there's nothing I can do about this fatigue. I sure hope I haven't gained 10 more pounds, because I don't want to spend my pregnancy worrying about how I'm going to look afterwards. I'm generally not a very vain person, but I also don't want to be unhealthy, and I really don't want to look like a big lump of dough.

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Had my appointment. I've gained a little over 3 pounds. Not too bad, I guess.
They had people in there making a video regarding the women's health program at the hospital and so they taped my appointment Lol The midwife felt where my baby was and drew a picture of her on my belly to show how big she is and how she was situtated, while they were taping all the while Lol it was hilarious. I guess they're going to give me a copy of the tape when they're done, but I'm not sure I want to see my big ol' belly on camera.

They're going to do the anemia and glucose test when I go back in 3 weeks. I told her about my fatigue and she said to eat lots of fruits and veggies and to stay away from dairy and fruit juice Sad this is a different midwife than the one I saw last time, who told me to eat more yogurt. This lady said to get my calicium from veggies. That's no problem but the no fruit juice thing is going to kill me, although it makes sense. She also told me to cut back my hours at work. Fat chance, that. But I like her mode of thinking.

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Argh- I tried to post something on here yesterday and I guess it didn't work. I'm still awfully tired but I didn't get the horrid leg cramp when I walked to work this morning. Yoga last night probably had something to do with it, because we did calf stretches.
DH and I got into a fight last night. We only get into it like once every two months or so usually, and so I guess it is just good to blow off some steam. It has taken me a long time to not get totally scared by fighting and to realize that it is normal sometimes. But DH really pissed me off because I am so tired. He has been working a lot lately and his schedule as a baker keeps him from getting much sleep, so he is tired, too, and so we were fighting about chores and who is more tired- the stupidest sort of fight. But DH is so traditional- and this is one of the things that I actually love about him too- but it comes out more negatively when he is angry. He helps out a lot with the chores, cleaning and laundry, but the kitchen work is always all mine pretty much. I did leave him a sink full of dishes to do on his day off because I was so exhausted and he made some comment last night about how I need to do the dishes like I am "supposed" to because he takes care of most of the house repairs and the car repairs and stuff :evil: This just pissed me off. It only was an issue because we have been having troubles with our poor old truck lately, but usually there aren't many "man" things to do and to hell with him if he can't help me out now and then, because I am hauling his little monkey around right now and it is making me really tired. But our fight only lasted like 1/2 hour and we settled down and forgot about it and watched Little House on the Prairie (we are geeky enough to own the first season on DVD :oops: ) which always brings good feelings back into the house and is good for a laugh besides. But monkey sure was upset by that fight. When her daddy was yelling she was really agitated. I told DH about it after we stopped fighting and he said "well she better just get used to her parents bickering" and said we were going to end up like HIS parents, which is funny. They bicker constantly.
But after DH complained about how tired he was he still woke me up (just as I was going to sleep) by having sex with me :roll: I guess men are never too tired for that. Maybe I gave him some sort of signal while I was alseep that made him think I was in the mood. :roll:
Well I have to go fix all the office machinery now.

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Another day at work. I'm here horribly early. I left yesterday at noon because I just really needed a nap. I was all achy and my head and stomach hurt. I went home and fell asleep in my work clothes, woke up, ate and then took another short nap. I felt better yesterday, but now I feel just as tired. I guess it's just something I have to get used to.

The night before last we went to see the band Ween play. It was really fun. Monkey is pretty used to loud music, but she would jump when people would scream at the end of songs. It was really hot in there and I swelled up pretty badly from standing for so long. People were kinda weirded out, too, to see a preggo there. I guess I'm supposed to be an adult now or something. It seems like everyone else there was about 15. Of course, we stayed out of the 21-and-over section where people were drinking- I think that's where most of the people our age were. It made me feel a little old.

DH has finally begun to read the Bradley book, and he seems to be genuinely interested. I think he just feels a little out of his element, if you know what I mean. He was raised in a very "traditional" household, where men are supposed to keep their noses out of women's business, and vice versa. But he is going to be great during the birth because he loves me and his baby and he is very supportive, and a little curious about things it seems. I think that Bradley book will calm him down a little bit, make him not so afraid to see me in pain.

We finally go on a tour of the hospital tonight- yay!

I'm thinking about Diane/Sparklemama and her little JJ. JJ must have been born by now, if she was in active labor. I sure hope they are doing well. JJ's due date was originally the same as my monkey's due date- I don't know if they changed it along the way or not. I can't imagine having my monkey now. I hope they are okay and I can't wait to hear from her.

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I worked 11 hours yesterday and got caught up a little, so I feel a bit better about life.
Yesterday after work we went on a tour of the hospital where I have been planning on giving birth. I really need to talk to my midwife more, because the lady giving the tour wasn't directly involved with the midwifery program at the hospital, but in general I was extremely disappointed. I know I've been a little naive about the whole process of giving birth in a hospital. Their C-section rate is around 25%, their epidural rate around 85% (these aren't statistics for the midwifery program, just in general, and they do handle a lot of high-risk pregnancies, due to their setup, but still). Also, electronic fetal monitoring is routine, even for midwife patients. This disturbs me because of the marked increase in the C-section rate when electronic fetal monitoring is used. IVs are not routine, and I will be allowed to have juice, but probably not food (which I probably won't want by the time I get to the hospital anyway). Also, you are attended by the same group of nurses, whether or not you are a midwife's patient or not, and the midwife only shows up for the birth, like an OB doctor. (I thought I'd have one of the midwives' nurses! They are so nice).
It will be a struggle, but I am planning on refusing the electronic monitoring. I don't even know if I will be "allowed" to do this, and it pisses me off so freaking much. I wish my insurance would pay for a home birth, or a birth at a birthing center. At a birth center, you are allowed to go home after a few hours, and there is none of the electronic bullshit that they subject you to in a hospital, even when you and your baby are perfectly healthy. I do not want to stay in the hospital to "recover" for 24-48 hours; I would recover much better at home. I do not want to be hooked up to stupid little machines that make people freak out. Why do they even have to monitor my contractions??? I will tell them when I'm having a freaking contraction, if they want. And I do not want stupid nurses asking me when I want my epidural. If anyone asks me that, I swear I am going to clobber them. Or at least set DH and my mom on them. I've gone this long without taking drugs when they are shoved in my face, and I don't plan on starting now.
Anyway, this hospital situation is disturbing me, but we just can't afford to fork out the money for a birth center or home birth (even if we had the room).

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Yay! Sure am glad to have this board back. Nothing much has happened. I've got all the Monkey's clothes so far folded and put away and so I'm just waiting for my baby showers in a few weeks to get all the other stuff. It's been so hard, in a way, to start acquiring baby stuff. Before our first one people had already given us a bunch of stuff and it was very difficult to look at it after she died. I still have this horrible voice in the back of my head that says "You'll never be lucky enough to have a baby. Bad things always happen to you." Of course I know this isn't true, I have a very good life and good things happen to me often, but still- I think how much it would hurt, hurt so bad to lose my monkey, and then have to come home with empty arms to a house full of baby stuff. I would just want to burn the whole place down instead of looking at it. Well, not really, but almost. But my monkey is going to be fine and healthy, and I have to start getting ready or I'm going to be sorry.
On a happier note, I bought some jojoba oil and started doing the perineal massage thing. I asked DH to do it and he was very excited about it, especially when I told him where the perineum is Wink Of course, he didn't work for free. I sure hope it works, because I don't want to tear. It sounds like it hurts a whole bunch. I can only imagine.

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29 weeks! I passed my 27 week milestone a couple weeks ago, YAY! I am making my next milestone 30 weeks, and then 34, when the lungs are mature, and then 37, and we'll see how far I get beyond that. I am so big already, everyone is giving me crap. But at my 26 week appointment the midwife said she thought my monkey weighed over two pounds already. My next appointment is on Wednesday and I am going to ask her how much she thinks she weighs, and what is normal, because I am getting so much crap for being big. I don't care though, even if she weighs 12 pounds when she is born, I am not going to try to slow her growth and I am not going to have a c-section just because of that. I don't think she will weigh 12 lbs., although I do think she will be big. I was quite small, like 6 pounds 3 ounces or something, but DH was like 9 pounds I think, and my aunts and cousins have had big babies as well. I was just a couple of weeks early, because I was so anxious to see what was going on out here.
We still haven't really settled on a name. We had thought Branwen, but who knows. We have 11 weeks or so, give or take.

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Well, I'm starting to get depressed. I've been dreading this. One year ago today we found out our little creature wouldn't live, and this Thursday markes the anniversary of her death. Next Wednesday was the EDD for my miscarriage.
It will at least be better because I have my monkey, and I love her so much and it gives me something to concentrate on and look forward to. My Creature's EDD was so, so hard. I had just had my miscarriage.

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Well, it was one year ago today that we said goodbye to our poor little creature. I spent all yesterday crying it seems like. Why does it still hurt so much? Sometimes I'm fine and sometimes not.
I had my 29 week appointment yesterday and it didn't help that I had gained a horrible amount of weight. This midwife is a lot more strict on the diet things than the other ones I've seen. I brought up the weight thing, because I really don't think I'm eating badly and I do exercise, but I'm gaining SO much. She told me NO MORE SUGAR except for fresh fruit, no more pasta, cut down on carbohydrates, etc. But she said my diet looks pretty good, except for that apple pie I made last weekend. But it just depressed me more, because I feel like I'm concentrating on my weight instead of concentating on my little monkey in there. And I feel like I could be enjoying this pregnancy more, feeling my baby more etc., if I weren't so fat. My DH was pissed when he heard this, he thinks I'm fine and that pregnant women should get to eat whatever they want. He is sweet but I also think he just doesn't want me to start changing my cooking habits too much in the healthy direction. He likes chicken pot pie and macaroni and cheese.
Also, DH and I got in a big fight yesterday, first thing in the frigging morning because, even though it was his day off, he started bitching about work and about how all he does is work, and I had left some dishes soaking overnight in the sink, and the cat needed taken to the vet and it all pissed him off. And it just made me cry, because I'm so tired and he seems to think that all I do is sit in some chair all day and do nothing at work. It makes me mad because if he is like this when I am taking care of the baby AND working, I know it is really going to set me off.
But the end of the fight was just him ranting and me sitting there crying and miserable and I ended up mentioning that today is the day our baby died, even though I didn't want to remind him, but he felt so bad for making me cry that I didn't want him to think it was all him, but it just made him feel so bad, and so sorry...
We are fighting more lately. At least the fights aren't bitter and we don't end up carrying grudges like when I used to fight with my ex, and the jerk before him. Now it is just and endless cycle of bitching about work. I know it is mostly just stress regarding the baby and how our lives are going to change, and it probably just needs to come out, but I can't help but think that there is a more constructive way to deal with this energy and I would think of it if I weren't so tired and lazy.

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Yesterday DH and the other tenants in our tri-plex were served with papers saying that the landlords had defaulted on their mortgage, the property had been sold, and eviction proceedings were being started against all of us. They must be planning on tearing the $hithole down. The letter we were served with tries to sound threatening, by saying we can "avoid eviction proceedings" (like it is our fault or something) by agreeing to get out at a mutually convenient time. Meaning, I guess, the end of the month. Good thing I work in a law office and I know that in a case like this we have 30 days from a Notice of Eviction (which they haven't even served on us yet) to get out. And a no-cause notice of eviction is not considered an "eviction" for rental purposes. However, it would be nice to be out by the end of the month, and it sounds like we can negotiate with them to pay us to do so. Now we just have to find a place. I would really like a nicer place, with a good kitchen. But this is just unexpected and such horrible timing. I was just getting set up to work from home and now I have to start all over again.
What really makes me angry is that we got notice like last June that our landlords were in default on the mortgage and that a property sale was going to happen in October if they didn't make good. We called them and they said they had already taken care of it, that they weren't going to sell the place, etc. Well, apparently they were lying just so they could get rent money from us until October, because obviously we would have moved out sooner if we had known. Bastards.

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Well, we found a really cute little place that we might get to move into. It is 2 bedrooms, a block from DH's work. It has hardwood floors and big picture windows, washer/dryer hookups, a detached garage, and an outside shed for storage. Plus, it is available immediately. The only problems with it are that there isn't much inside storage, no dishwasher and only a single sink, but I think I can manage, I'll just have to buy some cabinets and be handy with the dish-drainer. We met with the landlord and he said he really liked us, that they were just going to check our references. They talked to my boss today and he said he gave me a good reference Smile so hopefully we'll get a call tonight, if they got a hold of DH's boss. And we can start moving in tomorrow! It will be such a weight off my mind.
DH is sure that we'll get the place. He says that Monkey made us lose this crappy apartment because she wanted a better place to live, and so he thinks she'll fix it so we get this new place. Smile
I didn't mention in here that my poor kitty got attacked and hurt pretty badly. He had to stay at the vet's overnight and get stitches and antibiotics. He's doing much better now.

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Well, we got the place SmileSmileSmileSmile I'm so happy. We started moving stuff yesterday, and I waxed the linoleum and planted a few fall flowers and bulbs while they were hauling stuff. There actually is a lot more inside storage than I had remembered- whenever I am meeting with landlords I unfortunately focus more on trying to impress them than I do on the house. But there are two linen cabinets with lots of shelves in the hallway (I hadn't seen the second one for some reason) and there is a cabinet in the bathroom (besides the medicine cabinet). There are two small closets in our bedroom. I almost wanted to take the smaller bedroom as ours, because it gets more light (there is a rhododendron bush in front of the master bedroom window) but the smaller bedroom only has one very small closet.
The paint is new and it is really nice paint- although everything is the same off-white color, it is still a nice color.
I can't wait to get all settled in our new place. It is so bright and clean and cheerful, especially compared to our old house. And the neighborhood is so quiet and nice. We've been living on a very busy street, and so it will be very nice to have some relative peace and quiet.

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I forgot to remember, with all this hubbub going on. Yesterday was the EDD for my poor little miscarriage I had in February. Sad
Well, if that poor little one had made it, then I would have been due during the time we are moving.

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Been a while. Too tired to write in this darn thing, even though I have internet at home now. I've been trying to set up remote access and then I get involved in reading the silly things on the links my former boss sends me. And I've also been in bed by like 8:30 every night.
We're all moved, still have to do the walk-through in the old place, the people have been jacking us around. We better get out $1200 because we were out on time. I'm supposed to meet the guy there today at 2:00. More missed work.
I had to miss 3 hours yesterday to do the 3-hour glucose test, because I barely failed the 1-hour. However, I passed the 3-hour easily, thanks to whomever the patron saint of horrible boring medical tests is.
I have all my diapers- I got ones that were well-rated by other moms, although pretty expensive. I got enough pre-folds, covers, and all-in-ones to last until Monkey is a toddler, unless she's some sort of monsterously large baby, which I'm not ruling out. Most of the diapers are hemp. I have yet to go through the tedious washing process, though.
The only thing I still need is a breast pump. My arms-reach cosleeper should arrive within a few days.

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Well, it's 4:30 a.m. and I've been up for about an hour and a half. DH has gone on night shifts and sleeping without him gives me horrible dreams. I dreamt that he went off with some cute young hussy and ended up buying her a boat or something on our credit card. The dream was pretty intense and we went through all the horrible fights I've had with other men about their infidelities. The dream ended up with me going into labor and DH telling his girlfriend "well, I'd better drive her to the hospital or we'll have no chance of getting custody". Then I woke up a few minutes before DH came home for his lunch break. I was still mad at him because of the dream, which husbands in general don't understand but my DH has learned to just apologize and go with the flow.
So I've been up since then, trying to get some of my thank you cards from my baby showers written. My hand is cramped up so I'm taking a break. I hate writing thank-you cards, because I feel obligated to write a long, personal message to everybody and it ends up taking a million years. Plus, I hardly know some of the people that gave me gifts (in fact, I have never met some of them) so how am I supposed to write them a personal message? I can't wait until I'm done.
The co-sleeper has come, but I haven't set it up yet. I am going to have DH help me do it when he gets home, just so I can see how it works. I have all the diapers washed and put away, and most of the baby shower gifts are washed. This baby has waaaaaay too many clothes. Where am I going to put all of them???? I am not somebody who can deal with piles and boxes of stuff everywhere, even in closets. I like everything easily-accessible and tidy to a certain extent, which is a real challenge when you're relatively poor and living in a small place. I really, really like this place though.
My computer is finally fully set up and I can work from home. If I work hard, which is not easy for me lately, I might be able to go on my maternity leave before I go into labor. We'll see. I really am beginning to feel the need to get some rest and some time to get organized and mentally ready. I'm already starting to nest in a big way, which can in itself be exhausing, yet enjoyable.
Monkey, you are so big now, and I love feeling you move around. I feel like I know you already, but I can't wait to really meet you.
Well, back to those dang cards.

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ARgh! Yesterday I started having really strong BH contractions and some painful ones, like 2 minutes apart and lasting like forever. It was really annoying and scary. It lasted all day until I got home and lay down for a little while. Then I had to walk to the corner to retrieve my father- and brother-in-law (they got lost trying to find our new place) and they started up again. Haven't felt them much today, but how scary!
I don't want to be at work. Everything here is so frustrating. I hate computers. I would rather just type and add all the billing up by hand.

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Well I had an appointment with the midwife today. The baby was fine, everything was fine but she was really worried about how swollen my feet are. I thought it was normal, but she said they are really swollen for 33 1/2 weeks. She wants me to keep my feet up all day and lay on my left side for an hour in the middle of the day. FAT CHANCE Lol ! She told me to drink twice as much water, so that puts me at like a gallon and a half a day or something. I can try, but they'd better put a stool in front of the toilet so I can keep my feet up when I'm peeing. Also, she wants to see me in one week. So that is more work missed. Not that I love to work or anything, but I just have so much to do.
Monkey is head-down now, hopefully for good. We finally decided on a name. It isn't going to be Branwen. I told DH we should name her Juniper and he agreed. She can be June for short, if anybody has a problem with the weird name. Both DH and I love juniper trees, how they smell and how they come up all graceful and strong out of the desert dust, and it seemed appropriate to name her that. It isn't a name out of a baby book or anything, I just made it up. Maybe no one else in the world has that name, although I don't know what the odds of that are.

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34 Weeks! Only 3 more until I am full term.
It is really stormy outside and I don't feel like doing much of anything. I've finished all my thank-you cards (thank goodness).
They are working my poor husband really hard. He went to work at midnight last night and finally, at 10:00 a.m. after his replacement had been there for an hour, he told them he was going home. They had wanted him to stay there and help the next shift! That would have meant working a 14-15 hour shift doing hard, physical labor. That's total bull. Now he is worried that he will get fired. I doubt he will, but what would we do if he did? We have so little saved up. We would get by somehow, but I don't want to worry about that right now.
I don't know why some people have so much after expending so little effort and others have to struggle very hard just to scrape together a little life for themselves. I am very thankful for all we have, I love our life and I do not want to lose it. There are some people who have absolutely nothing, like some of the people that I met in Nicaragua who lived in bamboo shacks with dirt floors, and that worked long, long hours from the ages of 5 or 6 just to get together enough food to starve on more slowly. Then there are other people I have met who never have to struggle for anything, their parents give them a house and a job, or sometimes they don't even have to work at all, and they take everything for granted and complain that their house isn't big enough and their butt is too big. I'm glad to be in between those two extremes. I live a good life and I appreciate what I have.

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It snowed today just a little bit, people were crashing their cars and my boss sent me home Lol People here don't know what to do when it snows.
Did I mention that one of our kitties ran away? It's been three weeks now and we should just face up to the fact that she isn't coming home. I have to believe that she found a better place to live. She was too smart to get run over. She just always hated our other kitty and didn't want to stay here anymore. I feel so bad for her.
I sure have a lot of hip pain. I can't sleep for very long without getting up and walking a bit to make it feel better. Luckily I have to go to the bathroom every two seconds anyway. In 2 1/2 more weeks I'm going to start doing all the things they say help bring on labor. The sex and the walking are no different, but I'm going to get myself some clary sage and rose oil (I already have jasmine), and maybe some blue and black cohosh tincture. I'm a little leery of that stuff though. We'll see if it all works. I'd actually like to deliver around the 22nd of December, so that I have time to see the Return of the King in the theatre before she is born. Lol I keep telling my husband that the movie will be so awesome that it will send me into labor Biggrin
I can't believe I'm going to finally have a baby.

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35 weeks. Yay!
I worked yesterday so I'm going to insist on a 5-day Thanksgiving weekend. Yay!
I figured out the billing system and a bookkeeper is going to do the books while I am gone, so I get to have some maternity leave before my due date. Yay! Yay!
I'm really happy that I'll get to meet my little Juniper soon. I'm also really anxious- I can't wait. Time seems to be going more slowly. But it's neat to think about the fact that these are our last few weeks as non-parents. Not that we can just go out and party or anything (well- I guess DH could, but I would probably get pissy about it) but I can take naps when I want to (as long as I'm not at work, which is usually when I want to nap anyway), I can lay here in the quiet house and read for long, uninterupted stretches, etcetera. I'm really looking forward to my maternity leave, so I can enjoy doing these things for a while before Monkey is born. Three more weeks until my leave starts, and this coming week I only have to work two days. Yay again!

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36 weeks. Getting closer.
I had a mellow Thanksgiving with my grandma, aunt and parents. Dh couldn't even go because he worked that night at 11:00. I have my little tree up. I just got a little 3-foot potted norfolk pine and decorated it. It's kinda sweet in a pathetic way. Next year it will be bigger. DH really hates the concept of chopping down a tree and I can see his point. When we have our own house we can buy a live pine tree every year and just plant it. I don't need a big tree to feel Christmasy, but I do miss the pine smell. I also don't want to have to bother with a big tree this year, with the birth of the monkey so close. I'll be full-term next week!!!
I've enjoyed my 5-day weekend. I've been incredibly lazy the whole time. I have managed to keep ahead of the housework and decorate my little tree, but that's all.
I just looked at the calendar at work and realized that we have a trial starting December 15th, so I can't go on maternity leave until after that is done (unless, of course, I go early). Hopefully it will settle, or at least not last all week.

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I'm really starting to get nervous about this impending parenthood thing. I'm really excited and all, but, I mean, talk about a complete life change. It is difficult for me to imagine, even as I look at all the baby stuff, that I will push this little person out of my body and out into the world, to live a life of her own, for better or worse. I love her so much, but it is overwhelming to think about.
I'm also sorta nervous about the birth, but I think I will be prepared for that, at least. I will be as relaxed as possible. I just need to know that my monkey will be okay. I know that babies usually survive birth just fine, as do mothers, but it is such an intense process. I've been reading a lot of birth stories, probably too many, because of course some of them are horrible. And I will actually be really upset if I end up getting meds, or, God forbid, a C-section. I would be okay with the C-section only if I am 100% sure that it was necessary, but I hope that is not the case, because I don't want anything to go wrong.
I was having a lot of cramping earlier, but it went away.

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Man, I woke up this morning and when I stood up, I felt like someone had shoved a big rock up between my legs ha ha great image. Walking used to be the one time when I was comfortable, but now it pretty much hurts, with all the pressure and the bowleggedness and pelvic pain. Maybe she dropped? I don't know. Something is going on in there. Plus, I think she pokes my cervix with her sharp little fingernails or something every now and then. Jeez, monkey.

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Well, I should post about my appointment before I forget. I haven't gained any weight.
I guess in the interest of expediency, since I have already wasted too much time today, I will just paste in here what I wrote to one of my friends:
Her head is all crammed down there but I guess she is a little sideways, causing the midwife to make comforting statements such as “that means you will have a long latent phase of labor”, meaning contractions two minutes apart for two days before I really get down to business. YAY! “But they sometimes turn around before labor, right?” I ask. She quirks her little mouth and says “Well, sometimes.” Then I mention how drastically uncomfortable it is to have a little head crammed down there and she mentions that it will probably be about four more weeks before I go into this endless, painful labor she is talking about (although I could go any time now, but, of course, that won’t happen to me). Then she gives me this big swab to shove a few inches up all the impolite orifices so they can check out what’s living in the neighborhood.

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37 Weeks!!! :blob5: :kaos3: :blob6: :jumpingbeans: :thewave: Yay! We made it, Monkey! You can come out now any time you want. I'm nervous because things can still go wrong but I have faith that I will have my healthy little monkey in my arms soon. I have started taking evening primrose oil. My midwife told me to. She doesn't recommend castor oil because it is so violent, but epo doesn't have any documented side effects. Epo has the same stuff that spermies have to ripen the cervix. Prosglandins I think they are called. Of course the sex is a lot more fun than taking the pills. When I told DH that monkey had dropped so her head was right down there, he said he wouldn't have sex with me anymore because he was afraid of poking his kid in the eye with his weenie. But that resolution only lasted about 2 seconds.
I'm starting to enjoy each final day that DH and I have as a couple instead of a trio, and the time I have alone. I still can't wait for Monkey to come, but I'm glad I'm getting more relaxed about the whole thing.
I should probably go. I have a dentist appointment.
Keep your fingers crossed for me that they settle this case so that I can go on maternity leave after this week.

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Hmmm... sure am having a lot of cramping today off and on. Something is happening, but I guess this sort of thing can go on for weeks. And she is so very, very low today. I love you monkey! Come on out of there. We're ready for you.

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Still pregnant. Gosh, I'm tired of working. I feel like a wuss because some women will work up to and during labor. But I'm pretty tired and big and miserable. Of course, I never did love working or anything, and I just want a chance to get some naps in before I have the monkey.
I think I will tell him that, unless this trial is particularly long or complicated, that Tuesday will be my last day. I'm working Saturday and perhaps Sunday, too and I can't see myself being that happy of a camper by Tuesday. DH wanted to go see Return of the King on Wednesday (his day off) and I think we should be able to do that as a couple while we can. Work is not the be-all-end-all of life for me. My boss said if I'm miserable I can go home any time. He also said that the trial shouldn't last past noon on Wednesday, but he is usually wrong about things like that. It could even last into the next week.... I just don't want to hang out here any more.

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Still pregnant Biggrin Had my 38 wk. appointment today. The midwife says she's over 7 lbs. Not huge, but a good size. However, if I go 2 weeks over, I might have a 9-pounder. Not likely.
She didn't offer to check my 'ol cervix, and I didn't ask. The less poking I have to endure the better, I reckon.
Everything looks great! Strep-B test was negative. Yay! No antibiotics.
Tomorrow should be my last day at work, with any luck.

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I'm on maternity leave. I haven't been facing so much "unstructured" time since I was a freshman in college. I'm glad I don't know when the baby will be born, because that would take some of the fun and mystery out of my time off. But I still can't wait!!!! Hopefully she won't come two weeks late because I have to start working at least a little bit by January 20th (unless the birth is difficult and I'm still not feeling well).

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Still pregnant Biggrin I haven't even reached my due date quite yet, but I'm starting to feel left behind because almost everybody on the December board has had their baby already, and the January board is starting to pop, too. Plus, my parents and grandma think I should just get this over with too (my dad's exact words). Grrrr.... I will have my baby. No one has been pregnant forever. I've been pretty good about being patient, mostly because I know I need to get mentally prepared, but I feel like I'm pretty ready now. I hope Monkey doesn't decide to stay in there too long. I don't want them to start talking induction to me, because that sounds horrible. If I do go too far overdue, I will try castor oil. So far I'm just doing the sex and walking and clary sage oil (which is nice and smells like Christmas trees. It's even better mixed with rose oil) to try to convince Monkey to come out. I quit the epo because it made me a little sick to my stomach, I think.
I'm also drinking lots of raspberry leaf tea to get my muscles all strong.
I can't believe I'm going to have a baby pretty soon!

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Still pregnant, and very grumpy.
Broke down and took castor oil. I guess she just isn't ready yet. I want my baby!

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