I guess I'm going to start a journal here. I was unsure whether I would.
I am feeling a lot better about this pregnancy now. I'm officially "more pregnant" than I ever have been, so I'm exploring new territory, and I'm excited about waking up every day to see what my belly, my body, and my baby are doing.
I lost my first daughter at 18 1/2 weeks. She had a fatal heart defect. That was really devastating for my husband and me, mostly because we loved our daughter, even though she was still so small. She was still our daughter and she was given to us to love and protect, but we couldn't do that. But it was also horrible because it is one of those things that, going into your first pregnancy young and bright-eyed and hopeful, you really don't think that something like that would ever happen to you and your baby. So it was a bursting of that bubble, a "loss of innocence", to wear out a phrase. Three months following the loss of our daughter, I got pregnant again, only to lose that poor baby almost immediately. I loved that baby, too, but it was such a short time- I only knew I was pregnant for about two weeks and didn't have much time to bond or know the baby. It didn't hurt as bad as losing our daughter, but it made it start to seem like we would never have good news again, like we were walking under some horrible black cloud of a curse that we had no idea how to lift.
But, we're troopers (at least when it comes to BD ) and I got pregnant again 2 months later. I'm now about 19 weeks along. We had an ultrasound on Tuesday and our baby is beautiful. The heart looked so, so different this time, it was amazing. With our first daughter, the heart had filled up the entire chest, it was this monsterous, pulsating thing. It must have been painful for her. But this baby's heart is small and strong, with four chambers. I also got an fetal echocardiogram yesterday. It was in the same room that we had sat in for hours, having cardiologist after cardiologist look at our first daugher's heart, before they finally told us that there was no chance for her. This time, my husband couldn't be with me, and I wish he could have because it was actually pretty hard to sit in that room and go through that . But it was wonderful to see my baby again. And, cardiologist (only one of them this time- they don't call all their buddies if nothing is wrong), after only a short time of looking at the video, came and told my that our baby's heart is strong and perfect. I am so happy.
Oh- did I mention they think we're having a daughter again?
I deserve to take at least half my lunch hour today, darnit. I'm going to work tomorrow (Saturday). We're just so busy lately and I can hardly keep my mind on anything. My brain is wandering in la-la land.
I just ate steamed vegetables and rice for lunch. I need some protien, but I'm so tired of all the lunch places around here. I'll eat a big, fat slab of something for dinner, I promise, baby girl. Even if it's just tofu.
Actually I have a craving for a California Roll and maybe some ibi- I think that's what you call the shrimp. There's this place not too far from here that makes the best sushi, and they speak to you in Japanese and seat you at those little ground-level tables behind the paper doors, where you get to take your shoes off and sit on cushions. Yummy. Well, maybe next week I'll go there, even though I can't have the raw fish. Supposedly it could be bad for baby. A lot of things are supposed to be bad for baby, it seems like just about everything.
I wish you had a name, baby. We haven't really thought of one yet. It seems weird to name you while you are still in my big 'ol belly, but I get tired of calling you "baby" or "monkey". But, you aren't really of this world yet and I suppose you don't need to get a name plastered on you until you decide to join us. We just called your sister "little creature" and I think she gets to keep that distinction, because of the same reasoning: she didn't want to be part of this world, and so we won't make her carry a name from this world. (Your mommy has some weird ideas, baby). We'll see, anyhow - I guess it would be good to give you a name and try it out on you, before it becomes permanent. You can just kick me really hard if you don't like the name when we say it, right? Right.
By the way- thank you for kicking your dad last night so that he could feel you. That really made him happy.
Well- good morning. It's Monday but only one week from tomorrow until I start my vacation. I can't wait!!! My husband and I take these great road trips every year. This time we're not going any further than northern California, mostly we plan on just driving around eastern Oregon and camping. I love the desert.
I actually bought some baby clothes yesterday. I have two huge bags full of baby stuff that other people have given me- both for our first baby and for this one- but these were the first items I bought for this baby (things were so cute, and they were on sale). Just two things- this cute little summer outfit for 6-9 months (for next year). It's a pair of red-and-white-checked pants that tie at the ankles, and then a little frock shirt with red flowers embroidered down the front. I also bought a three-pack of cute little baby socks. They're so little. I showed them to my husband, thinking he would just roll his eyes at me but he just smiled and played with the little tiny toes. We thought about putting them on the cat to try them out but decided that the cat probably wouldn't think that was funny I can't wait until you can wear them, baby. I really have to work on this patience thing. It is getting better now that I can feel you move, and see my belly getting bigger. But I am really counting the days, and setting myself little goals, because December 29th seems so far away. My next goalpost is 20 weeks, which happens this weekend. Then 27 weeks. After that, I hope I don't care anymore. I really need to just enjoy every moment of this pregnancy. I know you will get here in your own time, and that I am really making the time go slower by trying to speed it up. Then before I know it you'll be in college.
Well, another day another dollar.
Baby hasn't been moving much lately. Last Thursday I could feel her squirming and punching and kicking and basically having a great old time in there. Since then I only feel the odd nudge every now and then. My midwife says this is normal for 19 weeks, because there is still plenty of room for the baby and so if she is in the middle of the uterus I won't be able to feel her. It seems wierd that something that is 8 inches long and living in my belly could go mostly unnoticed for so long. I mean, in theory, if you were to swallow a live and feisty kitten (not that I would recommend that -talk about TMI, poor kitty) you would think you'd be able to feel it. But then again, kittens have claws and, thankfully, my baby does not.
Well, it might rain here and scour some of the smog out of the air. Cars, cars, cars, people, people, people. I will never get used to living in the city.
Well, baby not kicking me sure bugged me. I had horrible nightmares last night about losing her. Of course, I was reading a scary book before I went to bed, called lulliby by wassisname, the guy who lives her in Portland and wrote Fight Club. Anyway, I didn't even read very far, but the guy has a way with words, he can really create a mood, and he is telling these stories about crib deaths and such. I know, I know, I shouldn't be reading books like that, but I'm such a geek and I needed some light summer reading. But this morning when we woke up Bill was rubbing my tummy (it is one of his days off and he didn't have to leave at 3:00 a.m.) and baby kicked me right where he was rubbing. I told him and he got all excited and tried to feel her again but she laid still after that, until later when she started up again. She must love her daddy already, and with good reason. He is such a wonderful man. I can say this with certainty as I have known some not-so-wonderful men in my life. My ex-husband... well, he actually loved me, and he didn't beat me or anything, but he just turned out to be a horrible alcoholic and a heroin addict. It took a lot to leave him, but it just got so bad. He stole everything I owned, everything my parents owned, lied to me at every turn. But when you love somebody, it is hard to leave them, thinking that without you to take whatever care of them you can, they might die. And he was much better than my previous boyfriend who used to beat me every day and call me stupid and ugly, and do such horrible things. I still can't stand to think about it. But it was for the best that all this has happened, because I love Bill more than anything. It was really meant to be.
My ex-husband actually just got out of prison, and seems to be doing a lot better. He has hepatitis B and C something fierce, and of course they didn't take care of him in the "joint" so he's pretty sick now. I guess I am so, so lucky that I don't have that horrible disease, or anything worse. When I found out he was sick and that he had been doing drugs and sharing needles- I found out he was sick after we got divorced- I got tested for everything under the sun and I got a clean bill of health. You can't imagine the feeling of relief.... I don't know what I have done to deserve such luck, but I will take it as it comes. But, since that was in my medical records, that my ex was a needle drug user, they watched me really close when I was pregnant the first time. The damn midwife was even testing my pee for drugs!!!! That pissed me off so bad that she would think I would do something like that to my poor baby. But, since I am obviously not like that as was apparent from the drug testing, they're not worried during this pregnancy. It scared me so bad last time, because I used to work for a lawyer that defended parents who lost their kids to the state. Now, don't get me wrong, some of them were horrible parents. But some of them lost their children on pure conjecture, and one lady lost her daughter permanently because she was taking prescription seizure medication during her pregnancy and it turned up in a UA after her daughter was born. A month later she was killed by a drunk driver as she was crossing the street.
I am grateful for everything I have, and I hope I never have to pass through the troubles that some people experience.
I love you baby. I have to go back to work.
Well, I'm here at work incredibly early, and I should get to work really. My boss is the best boss in the world and he let me take Friday off, too, to go on an outing with a girlfriend of mine and her preggo friend. They rented a cabin in the woods, and I'm really looking forward to it.
I got an email from my errant ex-husband yesterday. I still stay in contact with him maybe against all better sense. But what is better sense anyway? He is clean now, and he is the same guy he was before he started doing all that crap, which is good to know, because that person is a pretty good person, if still a little immature and lazy. Anyway, he finally got his medical coupons and went into the doctor, to get his liver checked out since he has been so sick. They said that it might actually be a genetic condition, on top of the hepatitis, that causes his immune system to attack his liver. I guess a transplant and the regular treatments therefore aren't options and so he might not have very long to live. This is what he says, anyway- he tends to be dramatic sometimes.
Some people would say he deserves to die, but I don't think so. Besides putting people through a lot of worry, and stealing from them, he has never really meant to hurt anybody. Addiction is a horrible thing, and hard to explain to somebody who has never experienced it or watched a loved one go through it.
I can't really talk to anybody about this. My parents hate my ex, and I don't want to talk to my husband about it, that's not really what he wants to think about. Strangely enough, my ex was one of his best friends at one point. Bill was the one who really convinced me that I should leave him once things got so ****ty, and it was weird, but like I said, it was all for the best in the end and things just fell into place. Oh well, keep it in the family as they say in our small town.
But anyway, it has been disturbing to me, talking to my ex and dealing with the news of his sickness- I mean, my ex is still my friend. I have known him well for ten years, and we have been through a lot together. But I had these horrible dreams last night about Bill turning into my ex. It was gross, really. Hard to explain how my subconscious is trying to deal with this. But I woke up just so glad that it was Bill next to me. I am so glad that Bill is who he is, and that he is healthy, and that we have a "normal" life. I was worried for a while that I was going to end up like one of those people on Jenny Jones or on Cops. It is not that I don't have compassion for my ex, but I am just so glad now that it is not really my problem anymore, I don't have to take care of him anymore, and I feel sort of guilty for that. But anyway, this is a pregnancy journal.
Baby is kicking me right now, and that is the most comforting thing in the world. Better than beef stew and homebaked bread in November.
I just wanted to take a break and rave about my husband, because I've been thinking about him. We bought a used truck, and he got a really good deal on it so we could buy it with cash. He said "I'm at the time in a man's life when he just needs a truck", I guess to haul his family and all his stuff around. It needed a tune-up because we're going to take it on our vacation, and so he read the manual and did it all himself, without knowing much of anything-he just taught himself. I'm so proud of him. He was proud of himself, too: when I got home he showed me the dirty fuel filter (blech) and the horridly degenerated spark plugs and everything. He changed the oil and air filter and flushed out the radiator. He cleaned out the bed and the interior really well, too. My husband is so great, and he is going to be a wonderful father. He takes good care of things and appreciates what he has. He also knows how to save money, and he has such a kind heart. He's smart and funny and cute, too. I'm so very lucky.
That said, back to work.
I got invited at the last minute to spend the weekend with my friend and her two kids, and another (pregnant) friend of hers and her son, plus an extremely hyperactive dog. We all squeezed into a one-room cabin in the woods at this neat little resort. People must have thought that we were the fertility triplets ore something. It was chaos, but it was fun, and it is good for me to be around kids. It made me confirm my plan of only having one kid, though. Not that children aren't great, but I just want to be able to really spend time with this kid, and my husband, and not have to spread myself so thin. I am an only child, and I don't think I would be as close with my parents if I had had siblings, although when I was younger I really wanted a brother or sister.
today is my last day before vacation, so I should really get back to work.
Well I'm back from vacation and my poor belly got sunburned and is itching like MAD... the only thing that will help it is warm water, but I'm at work. I don't know how I am going to make it today- I'd rather just be in PAIN than have this maddening itch. I should have known better, but I was only out for 1/2 an hour without sunscreen, and it was partly cloudy.
I have to do something...
Well, I actually had to take the bus home and run hot water on my poor belly... I was early to work so I just ended up being on time anyway. For some reason that makes it feel better for a few hours. It is lunch time now and it is still fine....whew.
We had a wonderful vacation. We went to the Owyhee Mts. and the Hell's Canyon area, as well as Boise Idaho After that we camped on the John Day River one night, then went to the coast for a little while, which is where I got the sunburn.
Monkey has been very active, and today she has decided that jumping on my bladder is terribly amusing. I know it is just the first day of the rest of my life, so to speak. My mom says we get the kids we deserve....