Well, it's Monday. I had a pretty good weekend. I came to work on Saturday and then realized that I didn't even have that much to do, and it was making me feel like a lame-o. It made me take a good look at myself. What kind of person am I that I can't think of anything else to do on the weekend besides work? I mean, granted, I needed to make up some hours, but I can take a little pay cut. The last couple, three years I have been a pretty boring person, I guess. I have been clinging so hard to my idea of a "normal" life after my ex-husband and I split, that I haven't really focused on much else. I got myself back together and calmed myself down, and convinced myself that I could be an "effective" person in this society- meaning, I guess, that I could hold down a good job and not turn into total white trash. I spent a lot of time convincing Bill that he could trust me and that I love him (he went through a fairly traumatic long-term relationship, too). I moved out of my home town and got settled here, got married, and then had to deal with being unexpectedly pregnant and then losing my poor little creature. Somewhere in all that I lost sight of the things I like to do. I used to write a lot of short stories, play music all the time and record it on my little 4-track, I used to study herbal medicine and do volunteer work. I was also learning how to sew and knit. I haven't done much of any of that for quite a while. I just work and come home. I don't want my monkey to have such a boring mama, and really, I don't want to be that boring. I want my daughter to see me and help me do fun things, so that she will learn to be interested in things.
So I went to the craft store and bought a bunch of yarn and some knitting needles, and started knitting again. I'm going to make a beautiful little baby blanket for my monkey, to wrap her up in when she is born. I used to have my "blankie" when I was little, and I remember how comforting it was. I also played my acoustic guitar a lot for my monkey this weekend. It must sound neat to her in there. She would quiet down while I was playing, and when I would stop she would squiggle and kick. I like to think that she enjoys it. Talk about a captive audience
But I feel a lot better now. I feel like I've woken up a little, and that a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I'm not one of those people that loves to work all the time, my priority has never been my job. I mean, I'm reliable and everything, but my job does not define me.
Speaking of which, it is almost 8:00 and I should get to work
Well I'm really taking my resolution to not work so much very seriously . My boss is gone and I'm getting pretty bored. He won't be back until Tuesday.
We are now actively trying to decide on a name for you, monkey. We got a bunch of baby name books and have been looking through those. Lots of names are pretty or neat, but nothing seems to strike us as "the name" yet. Nothing seems to fit you except "monkey". Maybe nothing ever will just ring out like a bell and leave us without a doubt that it is your name. We have a while to decide, I guess. I'm only 22 weeks and some days yet.
My parents were over last night. They drove 3 hours to help my DH install a new garbage disposal, which was awfully nice of them. We discovered that it was leaking VERY badly underneath our sink and it looks like it has been for many years. It was all rotted and moldy under there, and it was REALLY bugging me. Our landlord does not jump on things like this so we just did it ourselves, or rather my DH and dad did it. They disinfected and then put a new floor in the cupboard underneath there, too, so it is not totally disgusting anymore. I feel much better about our little apartment now. I'm getting all nesty and wanting to put new contact paper in the cupboards and make curtains and stuff, and getting this done has just increased that nestyness.
My mom and I looked through the baby name books together last night. Some of the names got us laughing so hard. I was barely able to keep from peeing my pants, but that is increasingly a problem anyhow. Who would name their baby "Tequila" or "Baby"? I actually knew a guy who's name was Baby once. He was a big, big black guy, and it didn't fit him at all. But, he was big enough that no one gave him any sh*& about it.
Monkey, your daddy is so happy that you are coming. I have always thought of impending fatherhood as something that freaked men out and made them want to drink and cheat and run away, but your daddy rubs my belly where you are and tells you how much he loves you all the time. He kisses my belly, too and just smiles and smiles. I'm sure the fear of his impending "doom" must hit him sometimes, or might later-he already gets freaked out about finances sometimes- but he is going to be a great dad. I am so happy.
Okay- I just got back from an appointment with the midwife- my normal one is on medical leave for 3 months - and I have gained 20 freaking pounds in all. I was freaked out, although I knew I was getting big. The midwife says she is not freaked out about that amount of weight gain, that she thinks it is normal, although on the upper end of normal. We talked about my diet and she says I am doing okay, but that I should eat more protein and not so many carbohydrates. I also need more calcium. She says I should just forget about that number that was on the scale and just make sure that I am eating right and exercising, and that I should then have nothing to worry about. It is really hard to forget about that number. I am not going to tell anybody, because the people around me will make me obsess even more. Why are women in our society so freaked out about weight? I know, I know, it's the advertising industry that has done it. It is so unfair.
I think I am going to start posting what I eat in here, to keep track. Because there are some people who seem to read my poor little journal it will also keep me honest and motivated if I post it here, because I will feel more guilt knowing there are some people out there that are shaking their heads and going tsk tsk when I eat crinkle cut french fries.
I will start at the end of today I guess, because it isn't even lunch time yet.
Okay, I think I am going to do my diet posting by listing what I ate for dinner yesterday and then breakfast and lunch today, because I don't have a computer at home and have to post at work. I have been really bad lately, but the midwife says I'm not that bad
Wednesday dinner: Chicken salad with bacon from McDonalds and a few french fries from DH's plate and a cup of chocolate pudding
Thursday Breakfast: Bowl of organic rice crispies with 1% milk. Walked to work and then had to have a packet of plain cream of wheat, too
Thursday lunch : 6 inch Subway tuna fish sandwich on honey oat bread, with all the veggies, and a packet of Lays baked barbecue flavored chips
Whew! It's crazy around work and I haven't been able to post. The firm we were subletting from has moved and now we are in a bare office trying to get all the machinary to work.
I am not going to try to remember what I ate all weekend. I will start with yesterday
Breakfast: blueberry yogurt
Lunch: soy burger, chips and fresh salsa
Dinner: beef stroganoff and green beans, cranberry juice
Dessert: Nonfat vanilla yogurt and banana
Today for breakfast I've had more vanilla yogurt and some Cream of Wheat.
Sure is boring to list what I've eaten, but I think it will help me. We'll see.
I've been reading lots of pregnancy/birth books lately to try to prepare myself. My DH has been reading them too. I don't think that we are going to take a childbirth class. The only ones I am seriously interested in are the Bradley or Birthing from Within classes, but they are sooooo expensive, and I don't know that I would learn much beyond what the books will teach me. I am practicing the techniques in both the Birthing from Within and Natural Childbirth the Bradley Way books. I am reading up on any interventions the hospital might try to do so that DH and I can decide for ourselves whether or not they might actually be necessary. I think I am going to have my mom at the birth, too, instead of paying for a doula. I think I will be more comfortable with my mommy there than with a stranger. My mom and I are very close and she shares my birth philosophy, more or less, and I'm going to give her some books to read. My plan is to go totally natural. My mom didn't have any drugs with me, even though she had a 48 hour labor and they gave her Pitocin halfway through, which makes things more painful or so I hear. She tells me I can do it and I believe her. My friend has had two babies at home with no pain relief and she has nothing but wonderful things to say about the birthing experience. It seems like people who get drugs actually tell more horror stories about the pain than those who don't . OUr minds have a way of getting through the pain, blocking it out, and I think drugs interfere with that.
I am also looking into water birth. I think I will have the birthing pool set up. I know I will want it for labor (a warm bath will help almost anything, in my experience) even though I may not actually want to give birth in there, I don't know.
Here is a (bad) picure of me a few weeks ago, at about 19 weeks (I'm 23 1/2 weeks or thereabouts now):
Work is so crazy lately and I don't get time to post every day, so i am going to give up trying to track my diet here. Right now I don't even want to think about it. I just want to have a big slice of ice cream cake with layers of fudge and brownie and cookies n' cream ice cream from Ben & Jerry's, the kind with whole cookies in it. Maybe some Cherry Garcia, too.
Fall is arriving here in Oregon. I love the fall, it is my favorite season, followed closely by spring. I love the smell and the feeling of these cool rainy days, but I sometimes miss the fall in the desert over on the other side of the mountains, where everything smells like apples and dry grass, and sage when it rains, and when it is sunny it is that bright, clear sunshine that isn't too hot. I also love the change of the seasons this year because it means I am closer to meeting my little monkey.
I am going to take a deep breath and take time to write in here. And I am not going to write about work.
On the December board a topic was started regarding "to do" lists before our babies are born. I haven't gotten anything done yet! People have bought us a bunch of clothes, but I haven't washed or sorted them yet. We haven't put together the dresser that monkey's clothes are going to go in. We just got it on Sunday I might get a changing table, too, or I might just get a changing pad to strap to the top of the dresser. I think I will probably need a separate changing table, so I will have a drawer or something to put the cloth diapers in. It seems like it will be so long until Christmastime when our Monkey will finally breathe the outside air, but I guess it is only, let's see... 112 days. Well, I guess that is long enough. I don't have a nursery to paint or decorate because monkey will be sleeping with us. I guess I just have no idea what I need to do to get prepared, I have no idea how to be a parent.... I never even had brothers or sisters so I didn't get to learn how to take care of them. All my childcare experience comes from babysitting, and I've never even done that regularly. However, no child has ever been hurt or started a fire while in my care, so i guess that is in my favor. I might have inadvertently tought a few how to cuss, though . I guess I'll get plenty of advice on how to take care of my kid, whether I like it or not. And I'll love my Monkey, and so will her daddy, and we'll do the best we can. I guess that is all we can do.
I wonder about you a lot, Monkey. Do you have any idea who I am yet, or even that I exist? Or do you just know that you are in a warm, comfortable place? I can't wait to meet you and look into your eyes. I can't wait to see how your brain works, and watch you discover the world.
I can't concentrate at work today. God, I'm so emotional . Last night for some reason I got super depressed all of the sudden, and had a lot of paranoia about losing my DH, or having him turn into a total loser all of the sudden, like my ex husband. I was pretty good about not getting all weird on poor DH, because that would make him really nervous and sad. I just curled up by him so I could feel him there. My DH is so good, he treats me so well, I have no reason to think he would ever do things to me like men have done to me in the past, and no reason to think that he would, for instance, suddenly quit his job and decide to drink and do drugs all day or something. I mean- I came home from work and he had put new contact paper under the sink, cleaned the house, and then he offered to go get dinner because I was tired.
I guess it boils down to I have a lot of psychological issues regarding my past and I've never felt the need to get counseling- despite the repeated suggestions of every professional that has ever heard my little "story". Just sometimes I get like this. The rest of the time I'm perfectly fine. I personally think this is the human condition.
Have I ever even talked about my past in here? I guess I'm writing this journal mostly for myself, so I might not have. But it would probably be good for my own personal well-being to write about it at some point. I have talked about my ex-husband, the alcoholic junkie (recovering, sort of) that just got out of prison, bless his poor soul. He actually "saved" me from a much more horrible relationship (actually, my relationship with my ex wasn't that horrible at first). I had this goddamn "friend" in high school... you know, I really don't have time to write about this right now, not in a way that would be healthy for me. I'm at work and I really should be working.
Okay, where was I...
Anyway, when I was like 13 or so I had this guy friend who needed a place to live because his mom was a total ***** and had kicked him out or something, I can't even remember. I mentioned it to my parents and they took him in. Maybe I even asked them to take him in, I probably did, who knows. He wasn't my boyfriend at the time, but after he moved in he kinda became my boyfriend. But I wasn't really into him like that. I remember when I told him we should just be friends, first he begged me to stay with him, then he started telling me that I was worthless, ugly, and stupid and nobody else would ever love me so I should just stay with him, and then, after that, he started to beat me up if I didn't want to have sex with him. I must have been 14 by that time. I got so I believed him that nobody else would ever love me. I was kind of an awkward and different kid, because I had skipped second grade and was always younger, always trying to fit in when the other kids were into Madonna and Michael Jackson and stuff, and I was into writing short stories and reading, especially the Tolkein books which I loved to the point where I was dressing up in cloaks and wearing a little ring made of copper wire on a chain around my neck (okay, so I was a geek- still am, and proud of it ). It did get better in high school, but I didn't really fit in until I found my niche when I was like 15, so I was pretty vulnerable when this guy got to me. Am I making excuses for myself? I guess so. But it is all in the past now.
By the end of the school year he had gotten me pregnant. He kicked and punched me in the stomach when he found out. That little one didn't make it. I never even think about that poor little one, I never count her, I guess that isn't fair. But que sera sera, and what's done is done.
At that time he found a new girlfriend and convinced her parents to let him move in with them. By the end of the summer he got kicked out of there and was begging my parents to let him come back. I told them that I would run away if they let him but they said they had made a pact to get him through high school. So he came back.
That was a horrible time. But I did start finding friends, people who liked to play music and write stories and paint and tell jokes. They were mostly guys and he tried to turn them against me, but I guess I won in the end. Ha ha, and now he's a toothless, worthless bastard and I'm doing great, most of the time.
Okay, so on to less heavy topics like I am soooooo tired. I have an appointment tomorrow and I'm going to have them check me for anemia. I even have dreams about how tired I am! I don't like feeling this way and I hope it doesn't last the whole rest of the pregnancy, because I have a lot to get done at work. It doesn't help I guess that DH wants to "do it" all the time. We did it twice yesterday! I really love being with him and I don't have the heart to tell him that I'm so tired that I can't really enjoy it in the traditional sense. Besides, I'm so uncomfortable, and I feel like a roly-poly little beach ball, not a very sexy way to feel. I guess it doesn't bother DH though.
I washed Monkey's clothes last weekend, folded them and put them away. They are so cute! I just loved having them in my hands and imagining what they would look like on her. Especially those cute, tiny little socks.
We have a lot more to buy, but I have two baby showers coming up, the last weekend of October and the first weekend of November. We will still have time to buy anything we didn't get at the showers.
Monkey may finally have a first name. We've kinda settled on Branwen. It means White Raven in Welsh. Since I come from Welsh stock (partly) I guess it makes sense. Doesn't lend itself much to a nickname (Branny?) but we can just call her Monkey