Well, we THINK it's a girl! The ultrasound tech wasn't able to get a clear shot of the goods, but she said if she had to guess, she thought it looked like girly bits. I will be having another ultrasound at 32 weeks, about mid-July, because my placenta is slightly low and they'll be following up on that. So, maybe then we'll get a more definite answer.
Even though I knew in my gut it was a girl, I couldn't help but feel a little dissapointed. My dh had the same reaction - he was expecting it to be a girl, but still had a little hope in there for a dh jr. But you know what? The dissapointment faded just as quickly as it came. I have Miley Kaye in my belly, and she's got the coolest big sister to show her the ropes, and a daddy who is the perfect father for little girls. I finally feel a connection to this child now that she has a name and I can call her something other than "it". By the time she arrives, I'll be wondering what ever made me think I wanted a boy.
I had the strangest dream. I dreamed that I looked down at my belly and could see the shape of a foot pushing through my skin. Then all of a sudden, I could see the whole baby, and I wrapped my arms around my belly thinking, how cool is this, I get to hold my baby before she's born. Then I'm trying to make it go back into my belly because she's not finished growing, but the doctor says, it's too late, she's already out. I scream, NO, I'm only 24 weeks! She's not ready! But the doctor tells me she weighs 5 lbs, and she will be okay.
Had a doc's appt yesterday. I've gained 30 lbs, but so far I haven't had my butt chewed for it. I'm measuring right on 24 weeks, and the baby's heartbeat sounded great. I will have my follow-up ultrasound at 28 weeks to check the position of my placenta, and I will also have the gestational diabetes screening. I'm praying the little acrobat in my belly will be doing the splits at the ultrasound.
My insurance woes have been resolved, at least I hope. I moved from dh's policy to the one offered at work. This new policy has $100 annual deductible and then pays in full. I am giving up dental, but so what? I think I could pay for many teeth cleanings with the several thousand I will not be paying Humana, the jerk-offs.
Gas prices are just stupid right now, $3.49/gal in our town. Who knows what the latest excuse the oil companies are using to justify it. My dh is about to lose his mind over it, because it means that his clients will be cutting their budgets to compensate, and the first thing to go is usually the advertising budget. I wish I could just park my car and boycott but walking 15 miles a day round trip to work just won't happen. The oil companies have America by the balls. We are so reliant on oil that we have no choice but to pay whatever they say while they sit back and watch record profits roll in quarter after quarter. After seeing her daddy so upset last night about gas prices, my daughter asked me, "Why doesn't the president do anything about it?" Bless her sweet innocent heart. Because he's one of the fat cats getting rich off of it.
Well, as of last night, the last of my favorite tv shows is done for the summer. (Apollo Ono won Dancing with the Stars, yay Apollo!) I guess I'm gonna have to pry my fat butt off the couch and find something productive to do now that there's nothing on tv, lol! We did get my craft room moved out to the garage, so now there's a room for the baby. I want to start decorating it, but I really want to wait until we hopefully can be a little more confident that it's a Miley and not a Corbin. DH is still holding on to hope that it's a boy.
I had some serious emotional episodes this past weekend. I've been doing pretty good so far, but for some reason this weekend was a crazy rollercoaster for me. Friday night I got all teary-eyed watching my daughter on a ride at the street fair. I can't believe my little baby girl is so grown up. Then Saturday was just a cryfest from the get-go. I cried because dh had to work all day, because he couldn't stay in bed and snuggle with me, because he wasn't attracted to me anymore now that I'm an elephant (not true, but just another thing to blame my crying jag on). Then I scored big on baby clothes at a yard sale, and I was sorting them all out in the baby's room, and I just sat there in the floor, surrounded by all these tiny pink outfits, and I just bawled. Then I cried because my daughter said something mean to me. I finally just took my crybaby *** to bed. Sunday morning was just about the same, but by about 11 am, I felt amazingly normal again (much to my husband and daughter's relief).
Jeez, imagine how bad it would've been if I wasn't on welbutrin....
Well, it's official....It's a GIRL! I had my follow-up ultrasound yesterday and Miley Kay showed us all her glory. She's now head down. My placenta measured fine and is no longer considered low. I also had the gestational diabetes test. I drank that syrupy flat orange soda and had blood drawn an hour later. The nurse missed my vein the first try and had to stick me again. I started seeing stars and just about passed out. I even had to lay down! I don't enjoy needles, but I also don't get real squeamish about them, either. I'm not sure what my problem was yesterday. The nurse said it was probably because I hadn't eaten.
As far as dh, he's been on my **** list this week. I don't want to go into details, but he basically lied to me. I caught him red-handed doing something he had told me he wasn't doing anymore, something I had specifically asked him not to do while I was pregnant. For the first time since we've been together, I don't trust him. I never thought he would lie to me, or could lie to me for that matter (he's not a very good liar), and so it hit me like a ton of bricks to find out he's been doing something behind my back for three weeks or more and I didn't have a clue. (I guess because it never occured to me that he would lie? Imagine that.) So now that I realize that he CAN and WILL lie to me, It really makes me stop and question everything he's ever told me. And I hate his stinkin' guts for that. And all he's worried about is, "when are we gonna get past this?" as in, when am I gonna get over it and stop making him feel like ****. All he's worried about is his comfort level, when he should be worried about the fact that he totally blew my trust in him, and it makes me want to scream and scratch his eyes out of his head. (Hmmm....hormones??) I hate being made to feel like some nagging ***** of a wife.
Why is it so hard for him to understand how much it sucks not to be able to do alot of the things I enjoy doing? And when he does those things without me, it makes it that much worse. Is it so freaking bad that I want a little moral support from him without having to cry and ***** and nag to get it?!?!?!? Asshole.
Well, yesterday I turned 38 years old. It sounds so foreign to me to say that; it feels like I'm talking about someone else. I'm not sure what 38 is supposed to feel like, but I don't "feel" that old. Just think: In two years, when I turn 40, I will have a 21-month-old daughter, a 10-yr-old daughter, and I'll have been married almost 11 years. I hope all of this will be true!
My birthday was pretty good! Nothing exciting, just over-all a decent day. My husband sent roses to me at work (ALWAYS a plus to get them at work!). The card he picked out actually made me cry a little (ummm....with a little help from hormones). The words exactly described how I feel about him, and he wrote in the card that it says perfectly how he feels for me. I know this, but it's so great to hear it once in a while. He also booked a prenatal massage for me for this afternoon....One whole hour of deep tissue massage....mmmmm.....Oh, and I got a new grill. I know, that's more of a man gift, but hey, I like to grill!
I had an appointment on Friday afternoon. I'm measuring dead-on 30wks, bp is great, gd test came back normal. I've gained a total of 39 lbs but the doc said she doesn't think my first weigh-in could possibly be correct...You keep thinking that, honey. I know for sure that's how much I've gained! My daughter came with me and got to hear the baby's heartbeat. After the appointment, dd and I went over to the maternity ward for a tour. I will l&d in the same room, but will be moved to the post-partum wing once I have the baby. I got a huge rush of nerves looking into those rooms. Am I really gonna be in here in just 2 months?!?
The massage mentioned in my last post was WONDERFUL, especially for my feet and legs. That's been almost 2 weeks ago and I have had very little swelling since then! I may book myself another one of those.
We got the baby's room painted this weekend, and I've made alot of progress on her crib set. I've got the quilt top and bumper pad tops done. I haven't decided whether to try and hand-quilt them or just get them machine-quilted. They are such small projects that I could get it done by hand, but do I really want to mess with it? DH has also ordered new carpet for all the bedrooms. I hate to spend the money, but it's definitely needed. We will be painting dd's room also....It's only fair that she get an updated look, too!
I have really sucked at keeping up this journal. I just don't want to write the same old stuff everyday. At this point, it's a waiting game.
Since my last post, my dd went to Girl Scout Camp. While she was away, we got the new carpet installed in the bedrooms and painted her room a beautiful sage green. We also painted up a couple of junky dressers and man did they turn out great! One is for the baby's room. I added a changing pad to the top so it will make a good changing table as well. I'm still working on the quilt and bumper pads, but have been sidetracked lately by Harry Potter.
I had a dr's appt last Friday and everything's looking normal and healthy. I measured right on 32 weeks, the baby's hb was strong, she's head-down, my bp is good, my iron was tested, and my weight gain was about 2 lbs since last appt. So far this pregnancy has been like the last one with dd...very uneventful. Maybe that's a good sign that l&d will be as easy. The baby's movements are getting stronger, and I've been feeling her hiccups. She seems to get them around the same time each night. DH had his head on my belly last night and she was kicking him in the face when he talked to her.
I've out-grown most of my shirts. Here I am with less than 7 weeks to go and I'm buying more maternity shirts. Jeez. If I didn't have to look semi-professional for work, it would be no big deal. Dh's t-shirts still fit just fine! But I guess wearing a Jack Daniels t-shirt to work just wouldn't be proper, huh?
So far there's only three things I'm gonna miss about being pregnant. One is the absolutely mind-blowing orgasms....I'm REALLY gonna miss that. The second is getting to eat without guilt (or at least not as much guilt, lol). The third is my skin. Other than the first few weeks of pregnancy, I've had the greatest skin! In the last 6 or 7 months I've had maybe 2 zits, and I love the rosy glow to my skin. I've had no tan to speak of this summer but I don't look pale. I look healthy and vibrant. SIGH. I can deal with the not eating anymore, but I wish there was some way to bottle up the orgasms and good skin for future use.
I'm worried about life after birth. I just can't seem to rid myself of the fear that it will be like it was after dd was born. I keep reminding myself that my life is no where near the same as it was after her birth. My marriage is very strong, our finances are much much better, we've got lots of family support nearby, and I'm being treated for my depression. So why am I still so scared?
Had a doc's appt on Friday. Nothing new to report. I'm swelling a little more these days, and my hips and back are hurting on a regular basis. My body feels like it's about to fall apart.
As usual these days, dh is pissing me off. He is such a self-centered, insensitive bastard sometimes. HELLO, I'm pregnant with your child. How about focusing on me once in a while?!?!? He never even asked me about the doctor's visit on Friday. Not once. Why? He's got his head up his own butt, too busy with all his "important" bs that's obviously more important than me. I know I'm being selfish, but dammit could I be the center of his world for just once without having to throw a ***** fit to get it?? Normally I could care less. But I'm dealing with some really big stuff right now and he's supposed to be my best friend and husband and my number one support person. I'm feeling really alone in all this. My sweet daughter, bless her heart, has been overly-concerned for her mama, asking if I need anything, do I need my feet rubbed? Do you feel alright mama? When dh asks me if I'm alright, it's usually when I'm in a pissy mood and he's just wanting to make sure he's not in trouble for something. Here's his idea of support: Sitting on the opposite end of the couch, bourbon in one hand, buried deep in his laptop, pretending he's not high. Jerk.
Started my weekly doctor appts yesterday. I went in fully expecting to be checked for dialation and effacement. With my last pregnancy, they checked weekly from 36 weeks on. But the doc said they won't check me unless I'm experiencing signs of labor, and definitely not before 37 weeks since checking me could send me into labor. SIGH. Oh well. I guess it's really a blessing in disguise. When pg with dd, I would be checked, show a little progress, then be on the edge of my seat all week just knowing I would go into labor at any minute. Then, of course, I would experience crushing disappointment because I was still pregnant when my next appointment rolled around. I did that for FOUR weeks, only to go into labor ON my due date.
My baby went back to school today...she's a big 3rd-grader now. I kissed her good-bye and wished her luck as I left for work this morning, then burst into tears the minute I walked out the door. WTF am I thinking having another baby?!? I have a 3rd grader, and now I'm starting all over again. I cried all the way to work. I've been freaking out like this on a pretty regular basis. Last night we were at Taco Bell (mmmm.....taco bell.....) and this girl walked in with a baby that couldn't have been more than a week old, and I swear to god I started crying right there. I had to go to the bathroom to get myself in check. And it's not just the baby thoughts. Every time I hear the Star-Spangled Banner, or the pledge of allegience or anything remotely patriotic, I lose it. I'm just an emotional mess. I know what's happening and why, but be damned if I can stop crying. It's like some monster overtakes my body and my mind is helpless to do anything about it.
My mom is coming up to visit sometime after Labor Day (the real Labor Day, not my labor day, lol!). She will be staying a couple weeks to help out after the baby is born. Part of me really doesn't want a houseguest to worry about, but I will really appreciate having someone there to help so that dh doesn't have to miss too much work.
I'm three weeks away from having a baby. I still cannot fathom the thought that there will be a newborn living at my house that I am responsible for raising. I just pray to God that I fall in love with her the minute she's placed in my arms, and that all doubts about having done the right thing will disappear. I feel guilty that I just can't get excited about this. I'm terrified beyond belief.