Diary of a Quivering Pile of Worry

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Joined: 09/13/07
Posts: 6
Diary of a Quivering Pile of Worry

I just feel like I have to write some of this down or I will....well, I probably wouldn't really do anything, but hopefully this will make me feel better. I'm "officially" 5 weeks 1 day preggo. "Officially" is because I thought the first day of my last you-know-what (why is it I can't think of a word for 'period' that i actually like using?) was Aug 16th, but after thinking it over, I think it might have been more like the...um...well, I think I ended on the 18th, so I guess the start date would have been a bit earlier than the 16th...but I'm sticking with the 16th for now since I'm going to get an ultrasound on Friday and they should be able to help me date it better then.
I have a 4 1/2 year old son. I had one mc before he was born, and another mc about 3 months ago. The mcs have turned me into a SUPER 24-7 pile of worrying nerves. My dr didn't schedule me for an appt until Oct 5th, which seems a really long time if every day drags out like....hmm...like how long a day would feel if you had to spend the whole day watching golf on tv.
So, I got the positive test on the 10, made the gyno appt on the 13th, and called back on the 14th and told the nurse I had the prior mcs, so she scheduled me for two blood tests. On the 14th, hCG was 637. On the 17th, hCG was 3278. Good, right? This is actually a 5X increase in 67 hours, which is really more than what should have happened. Of course, I look up every website I can find on hCG levels, and a few of them mention that if hCG levels increase quickly, this can indicate twins or a molar pregnancy.
Molar pregnancy's are super awful, but fairly rare.
Twins would be FABULOUS!!
On the 20th, I can't take wondering about the weird numbers anymore so I call the nurse back (wonderful, patient woman). She schedules me for the ultrasound. YAY!!! I hope I see two little beans with heartbeats....but I'm sort of jumping to conclusions with the hCG numbers...I realize that, but I can't help it - the numbers ARE weird.
Last night, I got super upset at my wonderful, stable boyfriend for something I had no business being upset about. After a lovely 1 1/2 of fury, I realize Im being a total a$$, and apologize. Very embarrassing, as I acted rather like my mother - NOT a good thing.
I watched this thing on national geographic (or some channel like that) about what babies do in the womb, and it said babies hearts race when subjected to their mothers stress. It also said that, at the age my baby (babies?) are at, their hearts beat erratically because their brain and nervous system aren't developed enough yet to regulate it. Now, I'm freaking out because I subjected my bean(s) to my irrational angry emotions, which probably raised their heart rate just like mine was, only his/her/their lil nervous system has no way to control the whole thing.
This afternoon, my tummy started to hurt. Not a lot, just a lil bit, but it upset the heck out of me. I've had some, uh, gastrointestinal issues this evening (sorry, but this is a journal), and now I feel a little better, but my tummy still hurts a lil bit. I know, I know, I shouldn't worry unless it really hurts and/or I see blood - but I'm scared.
I believe in God, but we're not on really close terms, if that makes sense. Boy, being pregnant sure amps up our relationship! I'm like "God, I know we don't talk a lot, but please, please, please let this pregnancy go right." I figure saying that about 20,000 times today should get some results, right? Lol, I'm about half kidding there Smile
Well, I think that about covers it. I wouldn't say I feel better, exactly, but then again, it all seems manageable now - so maybe I do!

Joined: 09/13/07
Posts: 6
Much better today

I have been so tired today! And I was in the grocery store and something, I think it might have been yeast, smelled awful! I really thought I might actually get sick. I had to power walk to the end of the aisle and wait for the bf there. You would think those are the sort of things that would not make me happy, but they really do Biggrin It means I'm preggo!!! With my son, I became very sick at about the fourth week, and it made me a little nervous that I was feeling so good during this pregnancy, even though I know every pregnancy is different, I should be grateful I'm not having horrible symptoms, ect, ect.
Anyway, my tummy quit hurting mid morning, and it never was anything more than a mild pain anyway, so I figure I was doing what I'm good at - overreacting. I can't wait until Friday's ultrasound. I sure hope i have twins in there!

Joined: 09/13/07
Posts: 6

I'm tired again, but for good reason. I just got out of Anatomy class. I work 8-5, and then to add a class in at the end of the day makes it loonngg.
I'm super useless at work now; all I can do is think about being preggo. I run the office (a/p, a/r, payroll, insurance, answer phones, ect.ect) for a development company, which consists of me answering the phone and working through massive piles of paperwork and emails every day. Exciting, right? haha...I'm so funny. Well, a good portion of the day I'm alone, and the temptation to read about babies and other preggo women is HARD to resist. I'm trying to get my act together though.
While I'm on background info, I'd better do the whole spill. I'm female (didn't see that one coming, did you?), 25 years old. About a year away from an Accounting/Business degree. I have 4 1/2 year old son from my marriage, which lasted from age 18-22 (5 yrs) and was a horrible, horrible mistake. What a loser that guy was. Abusive, drug addict, the whole works. I just feel bad for my kiddo, he really got the raw end of the stick as a result of my crappy decisions.
So, anyway, I live with my boyfriend of one year now. He's superhumanly wonderful. He raises his step-kids, which are 4 and 5. It's way fun when we have all the kids. His ex gf is pretty looney too. Decided to be a stripper in the middle of their relationship. Told him the 4 year old was his for the first three years of her little life.
The moral of this Jerry-Springer-worthy tale is that neither of us are anxious to rush into marriage. Besides, having a baby with someone means way more to me than a certificate and a ring - it means I'll do everything in my power to do the right thing and make our relationship work. So far, it's kind of a no-brainer - except when I get emotional and irrational about something!
Nothing really new on the preggo front today, except that my Del Taco Steak and Egg Buritto tasted awful. What gives - I LOVE those. Guess I'll have to find a new anti-nausea morning tummy filler.

Joined: 09/13/07
Posts: 6

You know, if my hCG levels had just doubled, or more than doubled, that would have been great. I would have thought, "Yay, everything on track."
But no, they have to go and QUINTUPLE (see first post) on me :huh:. So now I alternate between dreaming of double strollers and reading about the horrors of molar pregnancy. The rest of the time, I'm trying to convice myself that it's a good thing they went up, and I shouldn't read too much into it -which doesn't make me feel better at all. This morning, I opened my eyes at 6:34. My first thought was "I forgot to set the alarm and I still woke up on time". My second thought was "I'm five weeks, five days pregnant today!" My third thought was a calculation on how many hours I had until my ultrasound.
Currently, I have 41.5 hours until the ultrasound. I can't even imagine if I had to wait until my originally scheduled appt on Oct 5th. I would have totally lost it by then.
In other news, I went to the dentist today. They were overall pleased by the condition of my teeth, which is good since I haven't been in a few years. However, I seem to be wearing away quite a bit off the tops of all my teeth from clenching and/or grinding. They were NOT happy about that. I'm going to start sticking my tounge out a lil bit when I'm concentrating instead of clenching my teeth. If I can't get my act together, they want to put me in braces!! Not to straighen my teeth - which are quite straight, if I do say so myself - but to make me stop clenching/grinding. I already have glasses - can you imagine braces too. Might as well tatoo "NERD" across my forehead. Which reminds me, I should get a picture up here. I'll work on that.

Joined: 09/13/07
Posts: 6

I just read one of the other journals on here titled "Roarings of a Lioness". It made me feel very calm. I'm not assured a smooth ride through life, and there are few things I can control beyond my own reactions. I really like the way she responded to her fears, and I belive that positive approaches really make a material difference in life. What I mean is, I don't that that being positive just makes me feel better, I believe it REALLY makes a difference. But the more something matters to me, the harder it is to control my emotions. Being pregnant obviously matters A LOT, so my fears really feel pretty uncontrollable. But I doubt being afraid of something going wrong really helps anything - beyond the reasonable fears that make me do things like avoid alcohol. Anyway, I'm going to try not to drive the bf or myself crazy tonight with impatience or worry. I'll just breath slowly (lol) and wait till tomorrow's ultrasound.

Joined: 09/13/07
Posts: 6

I saw my bean's heartbeat yesterday! :cloud9:
Waiting for the ultrasound really did take forever - I'm so glad it's over. The hb was 124 - which is on the low side, but within acceptable range. It makes me feel SO much better to know that everything is ok. My stupid hCG numbers really didn't mean anything! No molar pregnancy and no twins! I really feel so much more myself now Smile
The bf was pretty friggin funny. When I picked him up for the u/s, he was like, "I'm really nervous - I might be sick." The whole time at the u/s he was super nervous and had to leave the u/s room to go 'get air'. What makes that funny is that my bf is always super calm, always ok with whatever is going on. Before this, I would have really said that nothing rattled him.
Since the u/s he went from being really nice to be super, super nice to me. He was totally lovey-dovey last night - kept looking at me with stars in his eyes

Ok, since I'm "really" pregnant, I should be happy I feel pretty decent. I mean, I'll still get waves of nausea sometimes, and eating fast, eating to much, or skipping meals seems to bring it on, but as long as I eat small, frequent meals I'm fine. It could be soooo much worse. I ate chocolate milkshakes for about 6 weeks when I was carrying my son. It was really the only thing I could keep down! I really expected a repeat of that...bowing at the great white throne on a daily basis. I've heard it a million times, but you know, those girls are right - every pregnancy really is different!