Okay, so here I am, 8 weeks pregnant (today) 20 years old, engaged, two previous miscarriages...my life condensed into one run-on sentance. The first miscarriage was very straightforward, lots of bright red bleeding and hard core cramps at 10 weeks. The second one was sneaky -- I only had a little bit of light brown discharge, and I found out during a ultrasound (Investigating said discharge) that there was no heartbeat. I am, of course, hoping that the third time will be the charm for me. I have a viability ultrasound on the 19th...I'm so scared because I can invision perfectly it going either way.
With my two previous m/c, I had little to no morning sickness, some sore boobs and I was tired a lot. It's pretty much the same with this one, but I think I would actually feel BETTER if I felt worse, lol...but it is still early.
They followed my hcg's in first week after I found out this time, well...they did two tests three days apart and once the results came back (227 up to 816) they decided I was progressing normally and told me not to come back. They didn't test my progesterone so I don't know my levels of that. Other then that, I don't have much to say today.
I have been having some crazy dreams lately, let's just say the one last night involved a carnival, Hurley (From Lost) and a vibrator. Yeah. That's even embarassing to read, so just imagine having to live through that dream. I think I woke up and my exact words were, "Ewww." Still having very mild symptoms...the only time I really feel nausous is when I brush my tounge with my toothbrush. My breasts are still kind of sore, but not as bad as they were before. I hope that not having symptoms doesn't mean something is wrong, although that's how I feel, you know? Probably because with my last two miscarriages I didn't have hardly any symptoms either. Well I guess I will find out in 9 days. This is my ticker I use at PAM (Pregnancy after Miscarriage) support.org, the other website I obsess at.
Last night was a bad night, me and Brandon got into some stupid fight (I actually don't remember what it was about) and went to bed kind of mad at each other, you know...separate sides of the bed. Well, I started thinking how my boobs weren't sore anymore (They are again, so it's up and down really) and my other miscarriages and I started crying, but I was crying to be quiet so he wouldn't hear. He heard me anyhow though, and he pulled me onto his chest and let me cry all over his neck and kissed my hair. I cried myself silly, I cried so hard I gave myself a headache and stuffed my nose up to where I couldn't breathe. But it was freeing, I felt so much better after my good cry....and our fight was as good as over! I'm worried about my upcoming ultrasound though. I wish I knew already! I've been taking 81mg of aspirin everyday since before we conceived...here's to hoping that works.
Okay, less then 60 hours to go until I get my first ultrasound. It's so terrifying. I almost don't want to go, just so that I can keep up hope longer. I haven't had any real reason to believe that this pregnancy is not a keeper, but with two m/c and no live births on my track record, it's pretty easy to convince myself that I won't see a heartbeat on Wednesday. On the off chance that it is a viable pregnancy, I'm going to rent a dopplar so I can check that the baby's alive whenever I want - -What a relief that will be! I was reading though, that you need a prescription or something (FDA mandated) to rent a dopplar. I guess that's so unpregnant people (Wanna be doctors, maybe) can't rent one and scam people. I don't know.
I am only going to rent the dopplar for a couple months, until I can feel the baby move regularly. 9 weeks today!
Seven hours until my first ultrasound! I had a dream last night that everything went GREAT, so I'm hoping that my dreams will come true Seriously though, I've had zero bleeding, zero suspicious-colored discharge...some light cramps and pullings in my legs but I read that m/c start with bleeding so a little light cramping doesn't bother me...besides light cramps are common as the uterus grows...my mommy said so, and she's a midwife! Lol. Well it's 2 in the morning and I am going to try and get some sleep...So cross your fingers for us, we have hope but it is the fragile kind.
The appointment didn't go well. She did a pap first and it HURT, I've never had a pap hurt before. Then she dropped the little pitchfork things on the ground and had to do it again. I was bleeding pretty good by the time she was finished scraping cells off of me. Yuck. Then I had to toga-up and run down the hallway to the ultrasound machine, because the one that they wheel in exam room was missing.
And they saw......
A big black gestational sac. Well, it wasn't even that big....it was 1.33 CM. Which is consistent with a 5 week pregnancy. She asked me if I was sure of my dates. Hello? I was there for my SECOND appointment. Yes, I'm pretty sure I'm not only 5 weeks, thank you. Doctors think everyone but them are idiots. At least the military ones seem to. She said she saw maybe something in the corner, like a yolk sack. And seh kept saying over and over how sorry she was. I have another appointment on the 28th of April (Which is my mother's birthday) but I don't know if I will make it that far, I started bleeding today...at first watery (Maybe some amniotic fluid mixed in?) and then more steadily.
I'm the type of girl that uses tampons no matter what, lol, and I'm at work so I don'r know how bad the bleeding is currently, but last time I checked it was a lot thicker, the kind of stringy clots that if you've ever miscarried, you'd recoginize...but it was still light, just the top tip of the tampex. Anyways. So my doctor did offer me all sorts of tests now to find out the causes of my miscarriages. So we'll go down that road now. For now, I want to cry.
Three lost loves
- July 18th 05
-Jan 13th 06
-Apr 19th 06
So I'm getting married next month!!! Either the 2nd or the 9th (Isn't that terrible that I don't know? But I'm overseas and none of my family/friends are here...and the German register only does weddings on Fridays, and we have to see when we work...it's a mess but I don't care...I just want to be his ) Brandon wants to write our own vows and I like that idea, I just don't know how to say everything I want to while still being eloquent. I've been looking up unique wedding vows online for "ideas".
This whole month we've been so good about using condoms so we don't get pregnant before our miscarriage work-up appointment (June 6th, 1340L) BUT we were in a little tiff and had awesome make-up sex and...forgot. When I got to work that night, I looked up my fertile days using a ovulation calculator (With the first day of miscarriage bleeding as my period, although I don't really think you can use that) and it turned out that the make-up sex day was THE day to have sex if we wanted to conceive. Whoops. Even though we don't want to be preggers this month, I'd still be secretly pleased that my fertility won! ...Of course I'd act annoyed about it so Brandon wouldn't guess, ha ha. But that was the 8th, and this is the 18th...so it's too early to test as of right now. I usually get the +++ on the 13th or 14th DPO. (The last one was 16 DPO, which should have tipped me off, I guess) So anyways I have 3-4 days to wait until I can test and I'm a little nervous. I'd like to be pregnant again, but I kind of feel like if I was...it would just delay our miscarriage testing. At this point, I kind of feel there is a underlying cause. I just don't know what! I'm going to keep posting in this journal even though I'm not pregnant again (yet -- or maybe I am!) And if you people don't like it, then don't read it!! J/K, love to all.
So we took a test (3-4 days before expected period with diluted urine - I can't help it!! If I have a test, I'm taking it. I can never, ever wait for FMU) and I thought MAYBE there was a little light line there, but it looked almost gray (It is supposed to be blue...but gray and blue are close anyways) and it showed up way to soon to be a evaporation line. So....?? I bought another test today, some cheap little store-brand one that wasn't very sensitive and took it (Right away, of course...with diluted pee). The TEST line barely even showed up...it was practically a invalid test. They were so cheap I bought two, but they probably need like 100 HcG or something I definately don't have at this point IF I AM. (<-- Caveat) So I'll probably just buy a EPT tomorrow, they've never failed me.
My breasts have started feeling sore and I gagged when I brushed my tounge this morning. The crazy-*** dreams have started up again, too...it was Sawyer this time ('Lost' again). Maybe I should stop watching them right before bed, ha ha. Brandon thinks I am just pysching myself out with all this stuff. He asks me if I think I am pregnant...
I just tell him I wouldn't be suprised at this point. We are the world's most fertile (Albeit childless) couple. This would be the 4th pregnancy in less then a year!!! The only thing that comforts me is thinking about the women that can't get pregnant and try and try and try...just to lose it. THAT would be so much worse, I can't even imagine. Me? He sneezes and I get knocked up. Lol. Well, I'll update soon.