I have never had a RL journal, let alone an online journal, so let's see how well I am able to keep this up.
I am newly expecting #3, after a 7 year wait. DH and I kept telling each other "Let's start trying in the spring" (Oct. '99), "Let's try after my birthday" (Around easter of '00) on and on. Now it's 2007, I'm in a very steady secure job, and DH is finishing school in June, so we should have 2 incomes by the time our little jellybean arriives. Should we have waited a bit more, until after DH got his job? Probably, because there is a chance that he would get a job in another state, so we would lose my income, at least for a bit. But things are going to happen for the rest of our lives, starting and ending jobs, moving, just life in general. So, we decided that now is a good a time as ever, so let's start. Last Sept. I stopped using the Nuvaring, and we charted until Dec. Around my O time in Dec., we "oops"ed, and decided that enough was enough. Let's just see what happens, and if we are pg, then we are, and if not, then we will start officially trying. I conceived in Dec., which is not suprising, since I conceived on the first try with both of my other DD (now ten and almost eight)
So far, I have told my DH, my DDs, two ladies at work, and my sister. Probably too many people, but if something does happen, I want support wherever I turn, because I would not be able to handle this by myself. Most everyone is happy for me, except for one of the ladies at work. I know we will not get a good reception from most of my co-workers (think that 2 children is more than enough as it is), bosses (have to go to the trouble of finding someone to cover my job when I'm on mat. leave), or in-laws (taking us to a Mexico trip early summer '07, this will completely ruin it!). Hello, I'm the one who's pg! If I think that Mexico will still be a blast, and I can handle having more than 2 children, why does everyone else have to butt in? I shouldn't talk about having 2 incomes, though, because I plan to leave this job by the time I have this little bean, if not before.
Ok, this has turned into quite a large post! I will post more later then.
One more thing, my first appt is the 24th, and I am so excited. Also, I am telling the rest of my family this weekend.
So that's my story up to now.
We told my family this weekend, and it was a great success! I was worried about my dad and a couple of other people, but everyone actually seemed pretty happy about it. I had my girls decorate t-shirts with puffy paint. My oldest's shirt said "I'm the big sister", and my youngest's said "I'm the big sister too". It took a bit for some of the family to get it, but once they did, it was pretty exciting. My mom first asked why Felicia (my youngest) was wearing Jessica's (my oldest) shirt, and why did it say "too"? Then she understood, and starting crying, and almost tackled me. I know I'll get this reaction from her every time. She already has 4 grandchildren, two girls and two boys, so it's not like she's waiting for one or the other.
I have not had any m/s yet, but I'm breaking out all over the place, and my hair and skin looks like I poured veg oil all over myself. I feel gross if I don't take two showers a day. But that's the only real symptom I'm having, that and being so tired all the time. I'm still waiting to feel really pregnant, but I guess I should enjoy it while I can, I'll be feeling it soon enough. I remember that I didn't have any symptoms either with my daughters either, until about the 4th month. So I still have some time to relax.
I just wanted to say how much I love my DH! He's such a wonderful husband. He's done all the housework this past week, because I've been too tired to do anything. I promise I will get off my bum and work harder, I'm just so exhausted! He is home more than me, but so much of the mess is mine, I should be picking it up by myself. I love him.
I did not feel good this morning. I put on a pair of pants that were kinda snug (I can't believe I'm growing already). They squished my stomach in just the right way to make me feel so ill. So needless to say, those pants were switched for some that are a little bit bigger (not much), and they will be packed up tonight. I 'm not sure if I want to start buying maternity pants, or if I should just buy regular pants a size bigger. I'm not really that much larger than before I was pg, but just enough to where I'm starting to not be able to wear my regular clothes any more. I hope I'm not having twins, I don't think I could handle it!
I still feel ill right now. I hope it's m/s, and not a real illness. If I still feel like this tomorrow, I'll call off from work.
I can't believe I am putting this on a public journal.
I am so depressed right now, and I can't think of a reason why I would be, except that it might be that my hormones are wacky right now. I want to cry all the time, and I just want to go home and stay in bed for the next couple of months, like until September. I can feel the tears waiting to come out. I can't concentrate on anything except that I'm unhappy.
I tried going to my birth board, because those ladies are wonderful, and so supportive. I started looking through the posts, and couldn't stay there. No reason, I just couldn't talk about anything right then.
I think I just have too much on my mind right now, and need a break, but from what? Not work, I am the only income right now. Not family, for obvious reasons. Not pg.org, these are the only people I can talk to about my pg issues. If I could find a good paying job closer to my home that has good benifits, I would take it in a second. I like my job now, but it's too far from my house, and the 2 hour one way drive is getting to me. I'm tired as it is with getting home after 7 every night, but now that I'm pg, I just can't stand it. I wish I could find something where I could work from home, that would be ideal for my current situation.
Ok, enough wallowing in the self pity pool for now. Back to work with me!
Well, I do feel a little bit better. I think I was just over tired yesterday. Maybe I can sleep in a bit tomorrow.
I'm going to start to take charge of my health big time. I am pretty overweight, but not too much, so I am starting to exercise every morning. I also printed out some pages to put in my journal, that I can write down what I eat and how many servings of each food group I eat.
Not much in the symptoms area. I'm cold all of the time, and I've started feeling a little ill in the mornings, but other than that, I don't have very many symptoms.
This weekend was my little "baby's" birthday. Why can't they stay small?
We went to Chuck E. Cheeses on Saturday, and they had a lot of fun. Some of my family showed up, which I think really made DD feel special.
It looks like the sickness has started. I was so ill on Friday night and Saturday night, and then most of yesterday afternoon. This morning was pretty bad, but not horrible enough to stay home. It seems to be following no set pattern, which really sucks, since I don't really know when to expect it. I'll just have to carry water and crackers around with me all day.
The subject came up the other day on my birth board about what the ladies who were already moms would/wouldn't do this time around. I think I would like to keep my list on this journal, to remind myself.
The things that I didn't/couldn't do with both of my DD:
- I want to wear my baby as much as possible, to have that closeness.
- I want o breastfeed. I didn't have enough confidence in myself either time, so when problems came up, I was so worried about my poor baby starving, I went right to the formula without trying. I don't think I'm a bad mom for giving my babies formula, but I do feel bad for not trying harder to do what I wanted to do.
- I want to cloth diaper. Partly because of the landfill issue, but mostly because I want to save money at every corner to be able to stay home.
- I want to quit working for a while. With DD #1, I was inschool still, and with DD #2 I started working when she was about 5 months old, so I never felt like I had enough time to really bond with them.
I had a break down yesterday. I don't know what happened, but I just freaked out. I talked to DH yesterday, and he was closer to home than I was, so I asked him to pick up the girls from my mom's house, so we could get home about the same time. He said ok, but I guess the tone of his voice just hit me wrong or something, because I got really mad all of the sudden, and hung up on him. Poor DH, he was smart enough to not call me back right then.
So I keep getting more and more mad, and then I just start crying. I don't mean a couple tears and some whimpers crying, I mean flat out bawling my head off. I keep crying for the rest of the way home, having to stop once to calm down enough to where I can see. Then I get home, change into my sweats, and lay down to cry some more. DH and the girls get home about 20 min later, and then we eat, me sniffling and tearing at every little thing the whole time. Then I go to bed, with a little more crying.
When I wake up this morning, my eyes were so puffy I could barely open them. I admit I looked a little funny.
I was still emotional this morning, but I think I've recouped enough to be ok. DH won't be home until later tonight after we're in bed asleep, so I won't have to worry about biting his head off. I'm going to go to the store and buy me and the girls some candy, we deserve it.
I really need to start learning how to control my emotions, or I'm going to end up divorced with no friends or family.
I had my first apt today, kind of. I was hoping they would do more, since dh took the day off to go with me. Instead I sat there for an hour waiting, and then when I get called in, they just give me a cup to bring to my next appt with that morning's "specimen", and an order for my bloodwork. Bummer.
My next appt isn't until the 15th of Feb, which is over three weeks away. Although, that time at least I will get the whole thing. I will talk to the doc, and get an exam, ask/be asked questions, and get my first u/s. So hopefully I can be patient enough.
The good thing was that I got a lot of papers to read, which I love. Even if it's the same thing over and over again, I'll still read it.
I'm still pretty emotional, (I almost cried when the lady was taking my blood. Not about the blood taking, but about a cute story she was telling me ) and a bit crampy today, but other than that I feel good. I am going to write down a chart to keep track of what I eat and drink, so I can be accountable. DH doesn't believe that I've cut down on the candy, but I have, and I'm very proud of myself. He doesn't seem too supportive about anything I do or say, mostly it's either a shrug, or "it's your decision", or ignoring me completely. I feel really alone, but I don't feel like I can talk to him about it. I try to stay upbeat, but I keep getting more and more down. I hope this passes, because I don't think I can last too long like this.
All of my posts are too long, I need to stop writing books about how sad I am. I know people who read this want to hear happy stories, so I promise you, next time will be only happy things, no matter what!