I want more than anything to be excited about this. I spend almost all day going online and reading all the stuff about how happy people are with their babies and looking at cute baby stuff and hoping I'll get excited and I'm still just really scared. I feel like I'm doing something wrong that's causing me to not get exciting - something almost subconscious. I don't know. And the weirdest part is that I'm TERRIFIED to m/c. The only thing that scares me more than having a child is not being able to. How much sense does that make?
I'm getting used to not feeling like me. The dizziness and sickness and vomiting and not liking food is starting to feel more normal than just feeling good.
I'm just ignoring the finances - what else can I do? I can't work when I can't even make it to the bathroom without crawling halfway there.
If I could just get excited and really want this I feel like everything would be okay, because that would make everything else worth it. I just want it all to be worth it. I want to know that it really will be okay and that I really will love him or her. I'm so scared that I won't be emotionally connected. I know my husband will be a great father, but I'm worried about what kind of mother I'll be. I'm not good with kids. I've never really been around them and I don't find them cute or entertaining, just annoying. I feel horrible saying that, but that's how I feel. I just hope to God that I can feel differently about my own, but I don't know how to make myself.
I have my first doctors appointment today. I'm really nervous. I feel like something is wrong and I'm scared to find out that something really is. I know it's not normal to be this dizzy and light headed, and I'm afraid to go in and find that there is something wrong not just with the baby, but with me too. I feel like I'm just a few hours away from everything crashing down around me. Is it normal to feel this freaked out about *everything*? I mean there really isn't anything that doesn't worry me at this point. I am such a basketcase.
I felt better after the appointment - I'm not sure why. I didn't have to do anything but pee in a cup and have my weight and blood-pressure taken. But the dr said that everything seemed normal. said the dizziness and light-headedness were because I was dehydrated from vomiting so much. makes perfect sense, I have no idea why that never occured to me. I felt pretty silly after hearing it. We had to wait over an hour to get in, so I made sure that the next appointment is in the morning - less time for them to fall behind. So two weeks from today I get to find out exactly how far along I am and hopefully we'll see a heartbeat with the u/s. I really wanted the u/s sound. I need to know that there is a heartbeat. I need some validation that things are so far so good. This whole thing is so nerve wracking.
Maybe after we go in a couple of weeks, if there is a heartbeat and everything is okay, I'll go and get some maternity clothes. I need them already amazingly enough. I weigh less than I did when this started, but I've gained two inches in my stomach so far and I don't have any jeans that don't hurt to button. I also don't have any long shirts - I definitely need some of those.
I think that's the deal I'll make with myself. If things are okay two weeks from now, I'll treat myself to some clothes that are comfy and don't look frumpy. Fair enough.
Today I woke up with no morning sickness, no nothing. I should be exstatic, but I'm worried that something is seriously wrong. I haven't taken the anti-nausea pills since night before last, so they shouldn't still be working. I don't get this. I don't want to have a baby, I don't want to lose the baby. I'm so relieved to feel like myself again, but I'm so scared that I'm not sick anymore because I'm afraid it means I'm miscarrying. WHAT IS UP WITH THIS?