Hidden hope?
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  1. #1
    Posting Addict Sarah-Jean's Avatar
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    Default Hidden hope?

    Ok, so I KNOW I shouldn't be doing this, but I can't help it. Those familiar feelings I felt the last few months are back and I want to get a diary of it, from now onwards.

    For the background of this journal I am 20 years old and married to Martin, who's 26. We have two wonderful little boys called Tristan (2 this Friday) and Jaeven (who's 1).

    My pregnancy chronology goes like this:-

    TX - 2nd Dec 99 @11/12weeks - Boy
    MC - May/June 00 @4weeks - unknown
    Tristan - born 18th April 01
    Jaeven - born 24th March 02
    MC - May 02 @ 5weeks - Boy acc to chinese gender predictor
    MC - 2nd Sept 02 @ 10+weeks - Boy
    MC - 25th Mar 03 @ 6weeks - Girl acc to chinese gender predictor

    So, why am I writing here if I am not pregnant?

    Well, with every pregnancy, except #7, I never realised I was pregnant until Martin told me I was... He's great at predicting these things!

    The last 3 days he's been making little comments about pregnancy and after thinking about it I do have a lot of the symptoms I had in Feb except they're far worse this time... So I guess I could be!

    I have no idea when I Ovulated and no idea when my period is due as this is the first period since my last miscarriage but I'm guessing it should be sometime around this weekend.

    So, my "symptoms" are as follows:-

    Some sickness on and off.
    Tender stomach, strange stretching feelings.
    Severe Dizziness and even fainting.
    Tiredness is killing me.
    Bigger and tender boobs.
    Emotional wreck.
    Small cramps on and off.
    Hair seems thicker.
    Headaches often.
    Terribly hot at night.
    Can't get comfortable when sitting or lying down.
    Off most foods but starving hungry.
    Metallic taste in mouth in the mornings.

    That's all that springs to mind! lol

    So anyways, my feelings on this "possible" pregnancy are VERY mixed. I had planned not to have any more biological children, we were going the adoption route from here as I couldn't stand the thought of risking another miscarriage. But at the same time, I'm terribly excited if I am although I know if it turns out I am I will live the next 9 months in constant fear and will probably require a lot of babying as they say to make me feel good about it all...

    I don't know... We're on Tuesday already. If a period doesn't show up by Sunday/Monday then I'll think about doing a test I guess... Maybe I should start taking Pre-Natal vits now???? Just in case?

    Oh well... I'll update when I have something worth saying! lol :P

    *Note to Jellybean if you're there... Please hold on...*

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    Posting Addict Sarah-Jean's Avatar
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    Still not convinced I'm pregnant... Although I do feel sick and I forgot to say it yesterday but I've been having to dive to the toilet like every couple of hours.

    Thank God we've only got like another 4/5 days before we know... I hate not knowing! I'm not too bothered either way, but the not nowing is killing me! I suppose it doesn't really matter whether I am pregnant or not... I'm only going to miscarry again anyway. I mean 3 miscarriages in a row, 4 in total... The odds aren't good here!

    I would pray except I gave up God when he let me feel so good about my last pregnancy before snatching my baby away.

    *Jellybean, if you're in there please stay strong for us...*

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    Posting Addict Sarah-Jean's Avatar
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    I'm so tired today... More tired then I have been in a long while. And you know why.... Bl**dy heartburn kept me awake!!! I NEVER get heartburn except usually in the mid stages of pregnancy with Tristan and a bit earlier with Jaeven.

    Only a few more days until we know now... All this waiting is killing me!

    *Jellybean if you're there, stop torturing Mummy!*

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    Posting Addict Sarah-Jean's Avatar
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    Hmmm... Not really sure what's going on at the moment... Still!

    It's Saturday now and no sign of AF. I'm not quite sure when AF is due to show her ugly face anyways, so I'm not to bothered at the moment. If it's not here by Tuesday then I'll test - maybe! LOL

    No cramping feelings so far so I don't think she'll be here anytime soon...

    Anyways, not really a lot to say... All my "symptoms" are still here so we'll see.

    *Jellybean, if you're there, we love you and we definately want you so please hang on for us!*

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    Posting Addict Sarah-Jean's Avatar
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    Well, it's Sunday and still no sign of AF. If there's nothing by Tuesday (as tomorrow is bank holiday) I'm going to go to the Brook centre and get a test done... I'm not having any of my usual symptoms that AF is due soon, no real stomach cramps or anything, I just feel sick, tired, dizzy and I swear I'm beginning to need the loo every two minutes! haha

    Anyways, I'll write more either tomorrow or Tuesday after I've tested!

    *Jellybean, I'm becoming more convinced by the day that you are really there... Please hang tight for us.*

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    Posting Addict Sarah-Jean's Avatar
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    Written 21st April 03;

    Just a quick update! It’s Monday now and still no sign of AF. I would have expected her to have arrived by today but nope! Damn! Does this mean I am??? I’m going to have to go to the Brook Centre tomorrow and get a test done. But what happens if I’ve still got the hormones from my last pregnancy in my blood? Does that mean that whether I am or am not I’ll get a positive? Hmmm.

    Since yesterday I’ve had this insane hunger… I have an eating disorder which means I’m never hungry and eating more then a few mouthfuls makes my stomach very sore as my stomach has shrunk over the years… But these past two days all I seem able to do is stuff my face!!! Yesterday I ate the equivalent of what I’d have eaten in about a week in one day! And today I’m even more hungry!!! But at least eating seems to keep the sickness away so I’m happy with it!

    My hair also seems really nice the last few days… It’s been awful since my last 3 MCs and JJs birth, but the last week it’s been really full and gorgeous. I love my hair like this!!! It usually only gets this way with pregnancy, so maybe!!!

    Only thing that worries me is I’ve been so convinced the last week or so that I’m not pregnant or that I’m going to MC I’ve not cut out my normal alcohol consumption (couple of glasses of white wine a day) or been taking the Pre-Natal Vits and Folic Acid (I hate taking pills of any kind)… But starting today I think I will and hope that I won’t be punished for all this and that my potential Jellybean hasn’t been harmed by my actions.

    *Jellybean if you’re in there… I’m sorry for the alcohol and the lack of vits and stuff. I’m going to be good from now on so please hang in there. We all love you!*

    Written today!

    Well, it’s now Tuesday and still no sign of AF showing up. I do have some mild stomach cramps but they’re not all the time like AF cramps are or anything… Just on and off and very mild. More irritating then anything else.

    I desperately need to take a test… This not knowing is killing me. I hate not knowing for sure! Maybe it’s best not to know though, that way if I did MC again I’d not know about it. Hopefully Martin will get some money today in which case I’m going to either go and buy a test or get some petrol in the car so I can go to the Brook Centre and get a test done. So I guess I’ll be taking the test tomorrow instead of today. Fingers crossed!!

    *Jellybean, as time goes on I’m more convinced that you’re with us. Please hold on if you are. We have so many plans for the future that could include you as a happy, healthy part of our wonderful family… Just keep strong and stay healthy for us.*

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    Posting Addict Sarah-Jean's Avatar
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    Well it's Wednesday now. I still haven't tested. To be honest I'm too scared of getting a positive. I'm scared because I know IF I am then I won't be waiting for the birth of a baby - I'll be waiting for a miscarriage again.

    Still no sign of AF by the way.

    *Jellybean, I'm fairly sure you're with us now... Please stay.*

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    Posting Addict Sarah-Jean's Avatar
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    I knew it! I knew it! If I had have told anyone I know that I was writing a pregnancy journal because I had a "feeling" I was pregnant they would have told me I was being silly... But I knew it!

    I just did a pregnancy test. I did one I've never used before... It's a dipstick one called Reassure or something like that and almost straight away it came up with a dark positive line! I knew it! I'm so excited!!! And yet, at the same time, I'm so scared... I can't tell anyone. I'm not even going to tell Martin about it yet. I'm officially about 4weeks and 2days... I'll wait at least another month before I tell anyone. Jellybean can be like my own little secret. My hidden hope.

    I knew it! I said after my MC in September 02 that I was going to have a Dec 03 miracle and here I am! Due 29th December 2003!!!

    *Jellybean, I knew you were there... I knew it! Please, I love you so much already, please hang on for us. And even though Daddy doesn't know about you yet (although he strongly suspects as we've been talking about doing a test) I know he loves the idea of you joining us here in our happy family. And I know your big brothers, Tristan and Jaeven, will love you to bits too! Please just stay strong for me... From now on I'm going to ply you with Vitamins and Nutrients and take the best care I possibly can of you! I love you so much, I'm crying as I type this!*

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    Posting Addict Sarah-Jean's Avatar
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    Sorry double post!

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    Posting Addict Sarah-Jean's Avatar
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    4 weeks 3 days

    Well, I'm feeling a bit grotty today. Am tired, hungry, sick and my stomach is sore with cramps.

    How can I keep this quiet?! I know exactly how, Martin has done nothing but stress me out since yesterday why can't the arsehole give me a break for two minutes. Just two minutes. At least he doesn't know my secret... He'd only give me more stress if he knew anyways... All thoughts of telling him flew out the window last night and this morning.

    Do I feel guilty? Hell no. He doesn't need to know anyways.

    I'm going to call the Dr today and ask for a face to face appointment. I'm not going to bother telling him what for until I get there... At least if I can get him to see me in person I can get a straight answer from him about what he's going to do to help me...

    I'll update with my Drs appointment later on today!

    EDITED TO INCLUDE:

    Well, just phoned the Dr. The nearest they can fit me in is 7th May at 9:50am. I'm going to take one of their crappy urine tests as well on the 1st May, so we'll have the results of that by the time my appointment is due hopefully... Although going on my last 3/4 pregnancies no doubt the test will come back negative again! I think they must have faulty equipment, or maybe their tests isn't very strong... I don't know! By that time I will be in the middle of 6weeks so I'll probably have either already MCd or be just about too so I don't mind how far away the appointment is... Now I just have to find a way of going without letting anyone know! Eek!

    *Jellybean. You're doing great and hanging in really well... Please continue to stay strong. I took my first of many Pre-Natal vits last night and haven't drank a drop of alcohol since I last said in order to try and keep you healthy. Please stay that way.*

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