Well, this week has started out crazy. On Monday, I started thinking shouldn't I have started my period by now. By Wednesday, I am thinking I better take a test. All the way to the store, I am thinking I am just wasting my money and it will be negative. On the way home, in the bathroom, right up until the pregnant line showed up I thought it was impossible.
I can't say that I am happy, but I'm not sad or angry I am scared. I lost a baby at 20 weeks gestation last year...in fact the one year anniversary was April 5 this year. All that I can keep thinking is I can't go through that again.
My DH is great, but he doesn't want to talk about last year and losing Leecy. He wants to just keep the mind set that as long as we believe everything is going to be ok it will be. We have 3 living children and never had a problem in their pregnancies. So last year I never expected to miscarry at 20 weeks. It just never entered my mind.
This time it is all I think about. Can it happen again? Since I made it to 20 weeks last time, when will I feel it is okay to relax and enjoy the pregnancy this time? I'm now considered high risk b/c of miscarriage in the 2nd trimester. I really want this baby, but I don't want to get really happy and excited and then it all happen again...
I go to the doctor on May 4 and I am hoping to hear a good strong heartbeat.
Wish us well.
Yet again this morning, I have hit the snooze button too many times. Normally I would tell my kids that we are running too late to have breakfast this morning, but since I am starving we are timing eating toaster strudels in under 7 min. The joy of being so tired and hungry all of the time.
I love my kids. I really do, but today was one of those days when I would have been better off locked in a padded room. Both my kids had their field day at different schools accross town today. I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off all day long. My 3 year old didn't get a nap all day and it was 3 pm before I got a chance to eat "real" food.
Needless to say, I can't wait 'til school is out! Only one more month and the insanity stops...one preschool graduation...one beach day to go...at least they aren't on the same day this time.