i think i'm still dreaming
So I'm 22 years old. Not doing much right now, just sort of trying to figure out what I'm going to do in the next year. I have an awesome loving boyfriend, and we've been going out for about 10 months. We spend almost every day together, although when we want to, we can be without eachother, with friends. Scott and I waited for 6 months without making the big jump to have sex. Although he wanted to so badly, I wanted to wait, although it wasn't my first time, I wanted it to be something more, because I wanted this relationship to work out. And he waited, and then we did, and it was wonderful. We used condoms, and then after about 3 months, we did it for the first time without a condom.
I had learned in high school about natural family planning, and I knew the right days to do it, and the days that were not so good, or the week where there was absolutely no way we were taking that chance. He would always pull out, but then there were times, when we just wanted to be that close, and it feels so unified when he does *** in me. So when it was ok, or so we thought it was ok, he would go inside me. We knew the consequences, but did we care, did we want to be pregnant, are we just stupid? Two months ago my period was late, so we went out and bought a home pregnancy test. It was negative, and the next day I got my period. What a waste of $15. I remember I kept looking at it, making sure there were not two lines, instead of one, but it was always just one. I was way relieved, but also, I think a little disapointed. It would have been crazy to see two lines. And that's what I got a load of this month.
I wasn't going to go out and buy another pregnancy test because I thought it might be a waste of money. But my breasts were tender going on two weeks, and I had slight cramps in my abdomen. Two weeks ago, I thought it was just pms. I was cranky, happy one second, and then the next I would be crying, because my blanket was all messed up and I couldn't figure it out...or something stupid like that. My boyfriend was just like, Holy cow. I was supposed to get my period on the 21, but my cycle is a little off, so I gave it another week. And then another week, and then I decided to just go buy a home pregnancy test. I went without my boyfriend, just because I kept telling him I was definitely going to get my period and I didn't want to worry him, like I did the last month. Plus he was out of town.
So I went to Walgreens, bought a test, that included two in it, went home, closed the bathroom door, and pee'd on this little stick, like we all have probably done. I had to also take a shower because I was getting ready to go to work, but the tests are quick so I set it on the sink, flushed the toilet, and watched this pink color cross across the screen. one line, and a faint one slowly appeared next to the other line. Suddenly I couldn't move, and everything got a little spotty. Almost like it is right now as I relive that second, or what seemed like ten minutes. You, know, it could have been ten minutes, because I know I looked around...washed my hands, turned around, knelt on the ground, stood up, looked at myself with this shocked look in my eyes, and my hands on my face, and almost opened the door, but then shut it....and just stood there staring at these two lines, before, I finally tore off my clothes and jumped in the shower, only to stand in the warm water for another ten minutes.
At work, I silently walked around, trying to serve tables, but this was on my mind. Questions flooded my mind. I broke a glass, totally forgot that I had this one table..and finally I left. My boyfriend had drove back that night, and I went to pick him up at his house, to go rent a movie. I gave him a huge hug, and as we drove to Blockbuster, the conversation moved into..."So did you get your period?". I took a big breath, and was like..."it'll come." And he's like.."Do we need to go get another test?" I was like oh, ****, ok...well I have to tell him. So I tell him " I already did." He asked what it had said, and I told him it wasn't good, and he wondered what that meant, and I asked him if he wanted to see it, because I had it in my purse, and as we pulled up to blockbuster, I handed it to him.
"TWO LINES?! What??" I just sat there, and after he had freaked out a little bit, he gave me a big hug. "you're pregnant?" I was all trying to calm him down, even though i was a little freaked out. Sometimes they are wrong, you know? So I told him this, even though I knew it was probably right. So we had our night, and talked a little bit. The next day, I went to a clinic, just to confirm it after I had taken the second home pregancy test and it had two lines just like the other one, and I went there, pee'd in a cup, and the nurse came into the room, and told me that I am indeed pregant, and I'm about in my 5th week, and that I would be due on january 31st, or around that time. Wow. That's so much in one sentence. Wow...ok, thank you, and I'll call if I have any questions. I just needed some time to let it soak in.
I've always been kind of religious, and my mother is that top dog, other than the Pope. I went to a Catholic High school, and was always brought up on the moral that abortion it bad, and it kills life, or something like that. My boyfriend and I have been talking, and he been saying or questioning what are we going to do with a baby? It would add so much, and we are 22, and what about school, or going out, and having fun, and what about after it's born. Would we keep it, or give it up for adoption?Scott and I were both adopted, so this is such a big thing. Both he and I always thought that perhaps we would never have kids, or something of the sort that is part of us. But here we are...pregnant. I thought that if I take a tiny pill, or if I get an abortion, I don't think I would be able to forget that, and what a horrible choice that would be. And I think I would blame him for it, and we would no longer be together. And he thinks, that if we would give it up for adoption we would no longer be together. Then he's also talking about getting married, and then the next second, he's like there's no way we can have a baby. There are just so many choices, and so many things to think about.
Last night, to get up to speed, my friends were drinking a little, and smoking a little bit. And I am always up for that. Always. I'm like the key to staying up all night and having a great time. So last night they hand me a beer, and there's no reason why I shouldn't drink it, other than the one thing that I can't tell them yet. So I take sips, and spit them back into the can, and pour a little out. And when they give me a smoke, I don't inhale, and let it burn. Hopefully soon, I will be able to avoid that altogether. So anyways, I'm on the phone with Scott, and I tell him what I'm doing, and everyone is drinking and smoking, and I ask him if I should...if I'm not going to be pregnant anymore anyways, and he goes, "No." and he asks me if I am, and I tell him no, and he goes, "good." That makes me happy. I really hope he's thinking about what he wants us to do, and I hope he comes up with a really great thing. I know that I cannot take a pill and flush this baby out, or get an abortion. It just would not be right. I know a lot of people do, and it's a reasonable option, but it's just not in my faith, and if I would do something like that, I would sink so low in my mind.
So where I am right now. I'm at my work, looking up all sorts of things on pregnancy. I'm still confused as to handle all this, but I know that everything will be ok. And when Scott asks, "how can it be ok?" I say "how can it not?"