Well, I've decided to write this journal, in hopes of expressing my fears, hopes and overwhelming emotions. Maybe writing this down each day will help me to better handle the pressure of this pg. I've decided to write this journal directly to you, little one.
I am so excited, and yet so scared to be excited. You have an older brother Benjamin. Benjamin was a beautiful little boy, but he had severe heart and lung defects, which eventually sent him to heaven after 5 short weeks. I so wish you could meet your big brother right away. Unfortunately, we will all have to wait awhile to see him again. Your Dad and I have been trying to get pregnant ever since Benjamin died. It took us about 5 months to conceive you. Your Dad is so excited. He has wanted you so badly. Now we are both desparately praying that you stick, and are perfectly healthy. Based on my temperature shift and potential ovulation, we think that 40 wks is on October 6th. We are so hoping you will be able to dress up for Halloween! That means that right now, I am a little under 5 wks pregnant. This is such a risky time right now for miscarraiges. Our 1st prenatal appointment is on February 16th, so we hope to see you through an ultrasound for our very 1st time. I am happy that I'm finally down to my pre-pg weight (141-142), although I know that won't last long. We love you already little one.
Well, you showed up stronger than ever on my last pg test in the house. In fact, the pg line is pulling all the color from the test line! That is a great thing, and hopefully it means you are continuing to grow as normal. Your Dad and I hope to hear your heartbeat for the 1st time on February 16th. Last night, I started to get sick with a bad sore throat. I'm hoping that gets better quickly. I was just sick 2 wks ago, so I wouldn't appreciate being sick again so quickly. I have taken my prenatal vitamins every day since we started trying, and I'm trying to avoid caffeine, just to ensure you have all the nutrients you need! So far, no morning sickness yet, but I'm only 5 wks today, so that has some time to arrive yet.
Love you peanut,
Well, as I write this, the construction guys are screwing in drywall to finish off the basement. I bet your favorite part of the basement will be the toy room! It will be so good to have it completed before you are born. We are also considering putting in a swimming pool, but not sure yet. Well, I am real sick, with the flu. My whole body aches, and I have been taking regular Tylenol. I hope I get over this quickly, and I hope it doesnt impact you little one. I have been keeping a close eye on my temperature to be sure it stays in the normal range. So far so good. I can't wait to hear your little heart beat!
Well, I had a real long meeting at work today. When I went to the bathroom at 1:30, I noticed some light pink spotting on the tp. I checked my cervix, and found some more pinkish spotting, light, but definately there. Nothing on my undies, but I do have some definite cramping on my right side. This evening, I checked my cervix again and had some red spotting, again none on my undies but definitely there. The cramping has eased some, but I can still feel it. Mark is real worried, and actually went out to Cubs tonight, because he wants me to test. I told him to buy a packet of 3 tests, so we can test over the next few days. Mark wanted to tell his parents this Sunday, and maybe Mike and Cindy too. I wanted to wait until the 1st ultrasound, because I worried about the potential for m/c. I don't know what to think. I guess I'm thinking it's 50/50 right now. I'm praying for a miracle.
Yesterday, around 1:00pm, I started cramping somewhat significantly (I called it a 4 out of 10 scale with 10 being full blown labor) on the right side. I went to the bathroom, and found some pinkish spotting on the tp. When I checked my cervix, I found some more, but nothing on my undies. I was concerned, but I've had spotting in the past. Once I m/c, the other time led to Benjamin. So I didn't know what to think. I came home after work, told my dh, and went to the bathroom again. Again, nothing on the undies, but when I checked my cervix, I found some spotting again, this time more red in color, and one was a bit clotty. The cramping seemed to lighten, and in the evening and overnight the spotting stopped. About 9am, I went to the bathroom today and the spotting started again, this time pinkish brown. By noon, there was just a little on my undies, and I thought I better call the clinic. My positive blood test was 1 week 1 day ago (last Thursday), so I started to get worried, just a little. Since I have m/c previously, my ob sent my to an ultrasound lab, then I had a meeting with my ob right after.
I knew things were not good when the lab tech was so quiet. I honestly went thinking I would be reassured with that magical heartbeat. My dh's parents are coming this weekend, and my dh wanted to tell them. I thought this ultrasound would put my mind at ease and enable me to tell them confidently, w/o as much fear of a m/c. The lab took many pictures, and then even took pictures of my kidneys. She asked if I shoulder pain, which at the time I thought a bit weird, now it makes sense. At the end, she quickly snatched the photos and sympathetically said, I hope the ob can bring you good news (she knows I lost Benjamin). I asked her about the heartbeat, and she said there wasn't one, but that didn't necessarily mean I wasn't pg, I could just be earlier on than I thought.
I went to my ob, she arrived, and told me the results of the ultrasound did not show anything in my uterus, but did show a growth (3cm wide in one area) near my right ovary. She highly suspects a tubal pg. She talked about my options, that chance of self resorption, using methotrexate (a chemotherapuetic agent) to dissolve the tissue or having surgery to remove it. That's when I cried. The loss is one thing, it's another thing to look forward to potential surgery, and potential scarring, and the potential to lose one of my tubes and how that would affect TTC. She ordered a stat blood test, to check if my body could handle the methotrexate, and to found out what my quant blood test would say. My Hcg level came back as 831, which my ob was happy about. She sent me home, if my cramping worsens or I have significant bleeding I have to go to the ER. Otherwise they will be another quant on Monday. If the quant goes down on its own, then the chances are better that I may be able to pass the tissue on my own (but not guaranteed). If my quant goes up, they will do another ultrasound. If my uterus still looks empty and my quant is up, she recommends laproscopic surgery. There is a very small chance that I still could be pg. She said the embryo does not typically show up via ultrasound in the uterus until the blood hcg levels are btwn 1500 towards 2000. So I still could be pg with a viable embryo, but she said the chances of this are slim.
So, I've been pg 3 times. 1st with a m/c; 2nd with a baby who was born and died from severe heart and lung defects and now 3rd with a tubal more than likely. I have to admit I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself. I'm trying to be strong, but I'm so disappointed. I can't believe the sh-tty odds we seem to fall into time and time again. She said she estimated that tubal pgs only happen about 1%, but now that increases to 10% if I have one now. And Ben's defects were less than 1%, but now those chances increase as well. Sometimes I wonder if we're not meant to be parents. My heart is broken.
Well, it's Saturday morning and soon I'll be at MSU for Give Kids a Smile. I am still spotting, reddish brown, enough to wear a pad now. My cramping has increased some from yesterday, still bearable though. If it gets worse, I'll go into the ER. My temp is still up, which makes me think it is probably a tubal since the cramping and bleeding continue. If the cramping or bleeding would stop, I would be more hopeful that this was maybe a good pg. I wish I knew what to expect. I'm nervous about needing surgery, and how long it may take to recover. I'm needed at work, and time off is usually not possible. I hopefully have at least a few sick days stored up from when I left for Benjamin. Mark keeps holding out hope that things will be OK. Sometimes that frustrates me, I feel he's being unrealistic. Actually, last night, we were both really on edge and snapping at each other. Although he doesn't really talk about it, I can really tell how upset and disappointed he is. He seems real concerned with when we can try again, and how long will my recovery be so we can bd again. Right now, bd is off limits - it could rupture the tubal pg. On top of all this I am real sick with a cold/flu. My voice is disappearing and I keep coughing etc. I wish I was healthy. I wonder if Mark blames me for all these problems. He's never said it, but he has made comments like at least we know my sperm work. I'm not sure how I feel about that. He's not trying to be hurtful, he's just pointing out the positive. Sometimes I feel like he tries to be too positive. He keeps saying, we'll get pg soon again, and we'll have a baby in December, etc. It is starting to drive me crazy. I'm just wired differently. He gets upset with me when I say things like we'll be lucky to have a baby by the time we are 30. We are just so different. Being married is not easy. We don't fight often, but when we do it is usually pretty ugly. I can feel one of those big fights brewing. We are both so stressed. I think I will write him a letter, telling him how I feel.
Well, yesterday, I did write Mark a letter, and he wrote one back. I think we are both feeling a lot better. This time is so hard, not knowing what will happen, still holding onto a thread a hope that my peanut was just too little to see in the uterus. I would just absolutely love a miracle to happen on Monday, where we go in, and there it is! Realistically, I know this is doubtful, but one can dream right?! My cold is getting worse, with my voice disappearing and my cough increasing, even using Robitussin. On Monday if there's no improvement, I'll be seeing a Dr. about that too. My temp was pretty high today, with another positive pg test, so it definitely looks like either I'll be needing surgery or maybe my peanut is OK. On Saturday during the day, I only had real light brown spotting, just barely a streak on my pad. And during Saturday night and early Sunday morning, the spotting stopped. We'll see if it comes back today. Still having sporadic cramping, but overall less than on Thursday.
Still waiting and hoping,
Well, today is the big day, when we should find out more information about this pg. I'm so hoping that my hcg levels have doubled, and they find the little peanut inside my uterus. My cramping and spotting have stopped. My stupid cold continues. Last night, I coughed for at least 2 hours before I finally fell asleep. I slept in the spare bedroom to not disturb Mark. It was sooooo crappy. At least the bed was comfortable. It would also be great if the information they find today is definitive. Such as the best scenario, or if that can't be, then I hope the hcg levels don't rise hardly at all, that would be pretty typical of a tubal. I hope the info we get today isn't wishy washy. I would like it to be good news, but if that can't be, then I hope it is straight forward. I'm thinking if I'm not pg in my uterus, I'll probably have to have surgery. But for some strange reason, even though normally I'm not very optimistic, I have a feeling that I am pg. I sure hope so.
Well, the results of my hcg levels were not good. It dropped to 600 something. My ob wants to monitor my levels every 2 days until it drops below 5. If it does not fall quick enough, she wants to try methotrexate to help dissolve any remaining tissue. She hopes to avoid surgery. My spotting has stopped, so I guess I'll be waiting for that to start up again. I have slight cramping on the right side, and she said if anything changes I'm supposed to call in right away. After this passes, she wants to schedule an HSG to check my plumbing out. That will also tell us what our risk is to have another tubal pg. She recommends waiting 2 months before trying again. So, I'm pretty sad. I was still hoping maybe things would be OK. October would be such a great month for a baby, in time for all the holidays. Another set of holidays alone sounds so depressing. But with waiting 2 months, the Spring arrives. And Spring brings new life, hopefully for us once again as well.
Well, the results of my hcg levels actually went up today, from 600 something on Monday to 800 something today. Actually, the 1st quant I had was 700 something, so this is higher than that. My OB is sending me for another ultrasound this afternoon, which is going to make me miss both my pain lab and senior clinic. I'm a bit frustrated, because I asked the OB nurse if I should call in for the results, or come in after the u/s and she said no, the Dr. will call after she reads the results. I feel like she won't be able to get a hold of me. Oh well. I'm sure I'll get in touch with her. What a nightmare, as the drama continues. I can't help but hope they find a heartbeat, even thought the chances of that are next to impossible. I haven't had any spotting for the past 2 days, but this morning, some of my cm was tinged brown. That seems to be picking up slightly, turning into more true spotting, but very brown. Having light cramping on both sides. Lisa was nice enough to be willing to cover for me in lab and for clinic. I don't think I'll be going to the meeting tonight either. Such a waiting game.
11:30am I just went to the bathroom and now bright red bleeding has started. That makes me so nervous, as I hope it has not ruptured. Still having some cramping, but not terrible. I guess at this point I will wait and see if the bleeding gets worse or the cramping gets worse, if it does, I guess I'll go in to the ER or something.