Went for the ultrasound on Friday at about 1:30pm, then was sent to the clinic to see my ob. I asked the tech if she could describe what she saw. She said she still saw something on the right side, but it looked different than before. She didn't know if it looked better or worse. Mark met me at LCM, and then we dropped off my car and drove to the clinic. After waiting just a bit at the clinic, Dr. Goerish saw us. She did an exam, and said my cervix was dilated slightly. My bright red bleeding continued, my cramping was there, but not severe. However, the rising Hcg levels combined with the fact that the mass was still there on the ultrasound led her to recommend surgery. She said she would rather be conservative, and if it was not a tubal, she would do a D&C at that time. I told her that since Mark and I were both worried about a potential rupture, and wanted to save the tube if at all possible, we also thought surgery was the best option. Also, it worked well for me with work, I would only miss Thursday's Oral Path class, I had Friday off. Dr. Goerish was on call all day Wednesday night, so it worked well for her too. I was wheeled over to the hospital and checked in on the 5th floor. Mark called our family, and my mom and dad came to wait with Mark. The nurse who did my IV did not do a great job. She dug and dug the 1st time, but was not able to find a vein. She then redid it and finally found a vein. OUCH!
I was wheeled down to the surgery room right at 5:00pm. It was pretty scary, and I was pretty cold. I didn't realize that I would be intubated while under general anesthesia. My throat was so sore after.
The surgery took a little over 2 hours. It was a tubal, and there was blood spilling from the tube into my abdomen. The Dr. had to remove both the blood, which irritated my appendix, and the tubal pg. So now my appendix is at risk, so hopefully it heals OK. The good news is that she said my ovaries, tubes and uterus look great. She has no idea why this happened, I do not have any risk factors, and she could not identify endometriosis either. She thinks my risk of another tubal is low, but will know more definitely after the HSG. I can't have the HSG until my tube has healed, along with everything else, so that will be a minimum of 2 months. She was very surprised/disappointed that the 2 ultrasounds did not pick up on the internal bleeding. I consider myself so lucky, because the bleeding and rising Hsg levels led her to believe I was on the path to a rupture. She was able to spare my tube, and barring any severe scarring, I should be good as new.
I had to spend the night in the hospital. Luckily, Mom agreed to stay with me. I had low blood pressure, which set off the alarm every hour on the hour all night long. At about 3am, I woke up and was in quite a bit of pain, approaching 4-5 on the scale of 1-10. The nurse wanted me to go to the bathroom first, which my mom knew was a mistake. Standing up for the first time, my pain increased, and I was starting to get real dizzy. I could feel myself coming very close to vomiting, and felt terrible. Just as I got to the toilet, the nurse said wait, could I wait until she got a drop bucket to measure my urine output. I said, are you serious? She said it would be best assuming I could wait. I stood in the bathroom waiting, and knew I was about to pass out, I called for my mom, and she came rushing in. Finally the nurse returned, but my pain had really increased, and I could feel myself starting to hyperventilate. By the time I got back to my bed, my pain was at least a 7 and rising. She didn't have the pain med ready, so I laid in bed crying on my left side as Mom tried to reassure me. I told Mom I was getting scared, because each breath I took just killed my abdomen. I asked her to reassure me, she stroked my head and told me everything would be OK. In 10-15 minutes, the nurse finally returned with the pain med, and relief came at last. That was the worst part of the night. From there on out it got a lot more bearable. Although, now I'm careful to not let my pain meds lapse. They never offered pain meds, so I felt like I should try to tough it out or something. I asked my new morning nurse if they preferred I try not to take pain meds at home and she told me I should take them, as my body would heal faster if it was not in pain. Wish I would have had that reassurance last night. Oh well. During the night I also experienced some terrible headaches.
I was discharged this Sat. at about 11am. Mom stayed with me today until Mark got home from work. I'm having some pain, especially in my shoulders from the gas they pumped into my stomach for the surgery, but the meds are helping. The worst part is the swelling - I look pregnant, but I'm not. If that does not improve by tommorrow, I have to go in and get checked for a possible infection/internal bleeding. I am sooooooooooo glad it is over, and feel so lucky that my Dr. took an active approach rather than waiting for a rupture. I'm going to send her a thank you. I go back for a check up in one week.
I'm hoping that sharing my story will help me heal.
My DH and I married in April of 2000. I wanted children right away, I knew that being in early to mid twenties would be better for TTC, but my DH wanted to wait. In retrospect I know this was a wise choice, we needed that time to secure our relationship with each other, before adding a new life to our family. But I also know that as each day passes, my odds of getting pg decrease. I can feel the clock ticking, and it seems to tick faster each day. My parents and even DH think I'm crazy to worry. But here I sit, 27 years old and no babies in my arms. If I get pregnant again, it will be my 4th pregnancy, and yet the nursery still sits empty and alone. What if I never have the opportunity to bring a baby home?
In July of 2002, DH agreed to start trying. We managed to get pg in Sept, and I was so excited. The baby would come in May, perfect timing for my teaching job with the summers off. I had spotting even as I first found out with the HPT. My blood test was positive, but the spotting continued, so more blood tests were drawn. My hcg levels were falling, and I m/c on my own.
DH and I tried again right away. We managed to get pg in early November 2002, and this baby was due on July 29th, 2003. Benjamin Alan was born on July 20th, and lived for 5 wks in the PICU. Unfortunately, severe heart and lung defects took him from us, and he's in heaven instead of in the nursery we had all ready for him. All of our baby things are gathering dust. The closet is full, but the room is empty.
Again, my DH kept on trying. Recently, after 2 long cycles I found out I was pregnant on January 29th. We were sooooooo excited! This baby would be born in early October, in time for all the holidays. I was so looking forward to a baby in my arms again, this time hopefully in my home. Unfortunately, we found out this was not a normal pg either, but an ectopic pg. I had surgery on February 11th to remove the tubal pg from my right side and remove the blood which was spilling from my tube. We need to wait for things to heal before we try again. Despite the Dr. stating that my ovaries, tubes and uterus look healthy, and she thinks the odds of having another tubal are rare, I feel so sad. And scared. Life is not fair. I feel a little like "God is up on top of the ant hill with a big magnifying glass, burning my ant feelers" (quote from Jim Carey's recent movie).
I am trying to hold onto hope, however small it may be. I am hoping that this new Spring will bring new life.
Well, it has taken a long time for my Hcg levels to fall to a normal range. But today, they finally measured below 2. Yeah! I am on CD8, and my pre-O temps are a bit high, I'm thinking because of the clomid. This is my first cycle since the ectopic. Mark and I are so hoping that we will get pregnant. If we do, I would be due around January 1st. I will be 28 years old by then. How depressing. My hope is diminishing. I am doubtful of the future.
Well, that cycle did not take. On to 100mg of Clomid, and I'm calling to schedule an HSG too. Dr. Goerish and I keep missing each other on the phone. We also bought a fertility monitor, ridiculoulsy expensive - 199 for the monitor and 50 for the tests. As long as it works, it will be worth it. So today I am 5DPO and hoping everything turns out perfectly - actually I'm hoping for twins!
Well, I'm pregnant again! WHOOOOPEE!!!! Mark and I saw our first very faint line 9DPO, and today, 10DPO the line was still faint, but darker than yesterday. I've noticed by bbs are bit bigger, with a few more veins, and my back is killing me. I'm also having slight sporadic cramping. I'm just praying everything is normal. I'm also wondering about twins! Tomorrow, I go in for my first quant blood test. I'm guessing she'll have me retest on Monday. That will be the first hurdle to jump. Mark and I are so excited, it's hard to breathe!
Today is the second time we are running our garage sale. Mark was able to get off work to help, so that is really nice. Last Saturday we didn't sell near as much as we hoped, so since everything was set up, we decided to run it again. I doubt we'll sell much more, but you never know! This morning I'm headed off to the lab to find out my quant. I'm so nervous. I hope everything turns out well.
We made about $140 at the garage sale! We were pretty pleased considering we didn't sell any big items.
Well, I got my lab results, and my Dr. said the quant is OK for an early pg, it was 23. She wants me to come back on Wednesday for another quant and a progesterone level. I haven't had a progesterone check ever, but I'm assuming since I've m/c and had an ectopic, she justs wants to cover all the bases. Well, I hope everything goes well! If the quant doubles every 2 days, it should be around 130 or so. I am so nervous I feel sick to my stomach. Wednesday seems like forever away. I was hoping I would go back on Monday. Mark agreed that I can buy some more HPT to see if the line grows darker with the upcoming days. I desperately want this to work out.
Well, it's Saturday morning and I took another HPT today. It was only marginally darker than the one on Thursday, which is a bit disappointing. At first I was really feeling that this was over. But I decided I'm going to try a positive approach. My blood test yesterday was only 22/23, so today the most it would be is 33, which is still real low for a HPT. I think it should start to get darker around 50-100. I haven't had any spotting, my cervix feels softer and still closed, not open and firm when I had my ectopic last time. I'm a little constipated, which can be a pg symptom, and my bb's are still bigger with veins. I'm going to continue to hope for the best. Mark wants to tell his Mom tomorrow, for her birthday, but I really think we should wait until we get the test results on Wednesday. No sense in getting them all excited if this doesn't take. I've even held off my Mom until Wednesday. She asked on the phone last night if I knew anything yet, and I said no. I went to a garage sale this morning, and bought 6$ worth of clothes. One girl dress and a pink sleep sack. A couple boy items with long sleeves and 2 blue sleep sacks. I looked at my clothes, and the months are all wrong. I won't have much from Ben that will work, as most of it was short sleeve in 0-3 and long sleeve/warm in 3-9. Oh well, looks life I would have to do some shopping! I'm still really praying everything works out.
I thought I would wait until Monday to retest, but today (Sunday) came, and I just couldn't wait. I have a sickness . But the good news is, the line is getting darker! Mark thought yesterday's line was darker, but today's is much more obvious. I am feeling a lot better, but still realizing how early it is. No spotting yet, and my cervix still feels closed. I am really hoping for the best. I sooooooooo want this to work out. Last night, Mark and I got into a big fight about friends. I feel like he is spending a lot of time with Paul, which is fine, but I don't think we need to do everything with him. I wish Mark would get as excited about doing something with me as he does with baseball or Paul. But what the fight was really about was our friends Chris and Karey. I do not know why, but Mark is having a terrible time with jealosy and/or bitterness about their new baby Heather. It is getting really bad, where Mark avoids them, and when we do something together, he sits like a bump on a log and says next to nothing. His poor attitude is going to push them away, and Karey is my BEST friend. I don't have many friends, and I'm so hurt that he would act this way. He hasn't given them even one compliment about Heather in the 8 weeks she has been here. He held her reluctantly for the first time last Wednesday when we babysat while they went out for their anniversary. I asked him last night how hurt he would be if they did that to us??? He just sat there, and finally said, I'm such a terrible guy aren't I? I wanted to scream YES!!!!!!! He does not get it at all. I thought when we got pg, he would snap out of it. I don't know what to do. We go back to counseling in July, so I guess we'll work on it then. Also, my friend Kristine irritated me a bit. She never came to Benjamin's funeral, and yet she told me she was going to one of her other friend's baby's funeral. Why would she tell me that? Did she want to hurt me? Did she learn from Ben's experience that although things can be hard to deal with, you can't run away from them? I guess if that is what she learned, then it was worth it. People have a hard time dealing with death, and I still love her regardless.
Today is Monday, memorial day. So far this weekend it has rained every day - depressing. I am really hoping for some sunshine today. My HPT today is a little darker than yesterday. The lines do not match yet, the pg line is still lighter than the reference line, but getting thicker and more obvious. I looked back when I was pg with Ben, and at 14DPO, which I am today, I only had a faint positive then too. That makes me feel a little better. Yesterday Mark and I returned to church after probably a month. It felt good to be there. Before communion I begged God to let me have a healthy baby, even though I know I don't deserve it. I apologized for letting him down, for my anger. I am so nervous about this pg. Yesterday afternoon Phyllis and Gay stopped by on their way home from the cabin. For Phyllis's 60th bday, we bought her an Italian bracelet with all the grandkids birthstones, including a new one for February. It did not take her long at all to figure it out. She was sooooo excited. It was good to see her happy, I hope she is not disappointed. The good thing is I know she will pray for us. I'm still having mild cramping on both sides, sporadic. No bleeding yet, just creamy cm. I looked back and for my ectopic, the bleeding started at 5 weeks 2 days. If I can just make it through the first 6 weeks and see a heartbeat, I would feel much better. I will still be nervous for our 18wk ultrasound, but at least I won't be worrying as much about a m/c or ectopic. The wait for Wednesday continues.....