My DH and I decided we definately wanted another baby. He said he wanted to go through it again, "Just one more time". Both of us with the thought that it was so great the first two times, that we could not go on without experiencing it again. It did not take long to get pregnant. It didn't take long the first two times. I was excited about the third because I figured, I knew what I was doing now! I have two daughters and a stepson. I considered myself "experienced". With this pregnancy I wanted to be able to relax and just enjoy the miracle! We could now afford things that we could not on the first two. I had already made up my mind that I was going to be a trendy dressed pregnant woman. The other two pregnancies required second hand clothes. This one was going to be ALL NEW! BABY! My first doctor's appointment was the usual. I was so relaxed that I took both my 2 and 3 year olds with me. I said to myself, "this won't take long". They did the usual. I went and had my blood work done and they scheduled me for an ultasound to get a better idea of the due date. I mean please....with a 2 year old and 3 year old you have got to be kidding me. When was the last day of my period? I don't remember what we ate the day before. So, I was scheduled for the ultrasound.
My DH and I decided if it was a girl, her name would be Lilly. If if was a boy, then Luke. We had decided that before we ever got pregnant. I kept seeing the name Lilly in the weirdest ways and places. I took it at the time as a sign that havng a third child was the right thing to do. I started keeping a list of where I would see or hear the name Lily because it was getting too weird on the ways I was coming across it. I started the list one day in the car when I was waiting for Lydia to get out of preschool. There was a song on the satelite radio that I liked the sound of. I never get to listen to any of my favorite stations because they are always on the KIDS stations. However, Leighton was asleep in her car seat so here was a chance to relax. I glanced down at the radio in order to see the name of the song. It was Lily is coming or Lily is here. I can not remember which. However, at that moment I decided I needed to keep a list. How weird is that? I have not be able to find the song since or the artist. But anyway, it was a cool thing. I was convinced now that I was having a girl, Lily.
I was completely unprepared for what happened next. I was excited about the ultrasound because it was going to be in 3-D. Wow! What you can see at 10 weeks - AMAZING! She told me that she was having a hard time viewing the neck and wanted to get a better image. She said she needed to do a vaginal ultrasound. Then another doctor came in to look as well. They told me that there was a cystic hygroma. A WHAT???? They explained a little. However, at this point I'm in shock and can not absorb was they are saying. Later when I got home, I looked up what they were talking about. I was still unsure if what they saw was just something that they check for anyway or if something they saw sent up some red flags. I had already turned down genetic testing, so I was not sure what they saw. I decided to wait until I saw my regular doctor a week later. That is when the BOMB went off. She told me that they saw something that sent up some red flags. I remember her saying this occurs in approximately 1 in 6000 pregnanies. I remember her saying a possible chromosomal birth defect. There is a 40% chance there is something wrong. However, there is a 60% chance the baby will be perfectly normal. My head is now spinning. I try not to break down in the office. I remain calm, until I get out of that building. I loose it. I call my Mom first. Hopefully, she can calm me down before I call DH.
My Mom was able to calm me down. She had me focus on the positve. I called her first because at the time, I could barely talk. I didn't want to call DH like that because he was at work and would have completely freaked out. He called while I was talking to my Mom, so when I hung up I called him back. He knew right away that something was wrong because the sound in my voice. He listened while I explained and then there was a long silent pause. He then said the most perfect thing. He said that we could not look at the pregnancy any differently than when I was pregnant with Lydia and Leighton. Whatever happens, is a miracle and that God does not make mistakes. He said we could not go through this the whole time upset and worried. So, I quickly changed my attitude and decided that he was right. I had planned to go to the Mall that day with my bestfriend and have our picture taken with our kids. Four in all, two almost 4 year olds and 2 two year olds. We did it last year for Mother's Day and decided to do it again this year. We like the pictures because we want to be able to look at them years from now and say - That was our life at that moment - CRAZY! At first, I was going to call her and cancel. However, after my conversation with DH I decided to go ahead and go. No sense in going home and sitting around just letting my mind wonder. So, I went home, got our stuff together and off we went. Tamara knew something was wrong we she looked at me. I'm always happy with a smile on my face. Not so much that day. I told her a little about it while the kids were playing in the Play Area. I also told her that I have been seeing and hearing the name Lily alot and was taking this as a sign. She agreed and said maybe that was true. She then said a starbucks decaff coffee would make me feel better so she went and got us one. At that moment, I heard a man call out for Lily. I quickly looked around the room and was amazed since there was hardly anyone there. I went up to the man and asked him what he said. He said he was calling out for his daughter Lily. I could not believe at that moment I heard the name Lily. I felt like something in my soul was talking to me. That was a week ago. Since then, I have had my ups and downs. I did a ton of research (not always the best thing to do). I joined the Birth Defects Forum. They are a huge support system and what I call Earth's Angels. And I started this journal. This will let me get everything out of me without all the attachments of telling someone you know personally. I decided to keep a list of the places I have seen or heard Lily. If it's a boy I will be equally happy but a little confused as to what all of the Lily popups mean. So until I know for sure I will assume that Lily is trying to talk to me.
April - Several times including a song but did not keep a list then.
5/10 - On the back of a rebate form I was filling out.
5/11 - Man at the Mall calling for his daughter
5/12 - On a forum I was reading the tracker at the bottom was Lilypie.com
5/12 - At a small local store where I went to buy a birthday gift. Three books were featured on display. Two were Lilly's Big Day and Lilly's Puple Plastic Purse. ( I bought them both)
5/14 - In the only article I read on Mother's Day in the paper. Three daughters were being quoted. One was Lily.
5/15 - In a trashy celebrity magazine I was reading at Jazzercise. One of the photos I was looking at had a caption and the person's last name was Lilly.
5/18 - In a wiggles song Leighton and I were listening to while running errands.
5/20 - In article in paper about new movie starting Lily Thomlin.
5/25 - The Blue Kangaroo (Main character is Lily)
5/29 - On a ball floating in the neighborhood pool we go to.
5/30 - On a billboard in a tv commerical
6/2 - Lowe's in the garden department on a "Lily Floater Flower"
6/3 - At the Pet store on a "Lily Flower Pond Decoration"
6/11 - Car in front of car wash, License plate "LILLY"
6/15 - On the show The Simple Life at 2:30 in the morning. The 3 year old girl Paris was taking care was named Lily.
I got to read the Daily Break section of the paper today. It's the only part of the paper worth reading. I use to be a person that would stay on top of what was happening in the world. However, once I became a Mom I had very little time to read or watch anything other than Sesame Street. I must choose what is worth reading in a 20 minute time frame before I'm interupted. So, sorry the headlines news never makes the cut. The Daily Break section is entertaining and I want to be entertained not depressed. Anyway - on the front page of the Daily Break it listed the movies that are not to be missed this summer. One was a movie starring Lily Thomlin. Very cool. I'm still very positive and refuse to give in to any negative thoughts. I'm a very blessed person and have no compliants!
I'm feeling great! I've always been lucky like that. With both pregnancies before and now this one I've never gotten sick. I really don't have any strange cravings. This pregnancy feels exactly like the two before. However, my spirit is different. People are starting to notice that I'm pregnant. For the ones that already knew, everyone is asking, "how are you feeling, is everything going okay?" And it is. However, there is that lingering next ultrasound. THE BIG ONE! THe one that will tell us if the swelling has gone down or if we need to get an amnio for further testing. I haven't really told anyone about what we have been told. The only people that know are our mothers and one friend of mine. I really don't want to tell anyone for several reasons. First, I don't know what to say. Second, I don't want people looking at me going..."Oh, I'm sorry." Third, I have a hard time saying the words out loud. And lastly, I feel like everything is going to be okay. I went to church with my daughter Lydia on Sunday. During communion you have an option to go to the side to the Stephen Ministry for special prayer requests. I have never participated in it before. However, on Sunday I just felt the need. I told Lydia as we were approaching that I was going to do something different today. I took communion and then went to the side. It's a very private thing and no one really notices it unless they are going over there themselves. I knelt down and was going to ask for a special prayer. However, as soon as my knees were down, my body began to shake and the words would not come out of me. I just cried. The woman just held my head and finally I was able to whisper my prayer request. My daugher Lydia which has such and old soul, just wiped my tears away and hugged me. It was such a humbling moment. On the way home, I asked Lydia not to tell anyone about what happened. I didn't want anyone to know really. It was such a special humbling moment that by sharing it with anyone would take away from it. Lydia promised that it would be our secret. She has not mentioned since.
Last night we decided to go to a free concert they were having at the University. It was the Symphony which played songs from Villian and Hero Movies. It was outside so we packed a picnic. We had a great time. Later that night, I started feeling pretty bad. I was having some cramping and felt for the first time very sick on my stomach. I was laying in bed and started to worry. Since I have never experienced this before I was getting very nervous. Oh, please don't mean there is something wrong. It didn't help that yesterday I was doing some more research. I was also I little upset that I had not seen Lily's name lately. Isn't that a silly thing! I would not dare tell anyone that because they would think I was crazy. I was also starting to think I was a little crazy myself. But, this morning out of the blue - BOOM - Lily!!!! My daughters and I decided to read some books this morning. So we piled on the floor in Leighton's room and pulled out some books. I love children's books. Everytime I go to a thrift store, I head for the books. We have quite a collection. It's fun because it's like our own little library. So, when we decide to read books, we never know exactly what we might pull out. We started with a Franklin book. Next, Lydia pointed to a pink one and asked for me to read that one. It was The Blue Kangaroo. We have never read that one before. I opened to the first page and started crying. It started off with Lily and her blue Kangaroo. I can't explain how that makes me feel. And again, I don't share this with anyone. This is the only place I put this information. Maybe I am being crazy. However, it makes me feel good when I see that name and it gives me a sense of peace.
On Friday me and the girls went to the beach. What a wonderful fun day. We looked for shells, jumped waves and built a sand castle. Typical day at the beach. I believe that this experience with my baby has changed me forever and that is why I picked that as my journal's name. I think I'm more patient. I think I'm more centered. Regardless or what happens, I believe I am a better person. Only a couple of weeks before the next ultrasound. Oh, please God let me tell me that my baby is okay.
Okay now this is weird. I'm sure some people reading this and definately if I had told anyone this would think I have lost my mind or I was just making this up. I'm at the neighbor pool hanging out in the baby pool with my two girls and my dear DH. My youngest daughter Leighton has a tendency to freak out when someone else is playing with her ball or floaty. So, I'm keeping track of where they are and who is playing with them. Every now and then some will go missing and I have to go retrieve them before Leighton has a melt down. Did I mention that my youngest daughter has a tendency to be what I call HIGH MAY (aka high maintenance). Love her dearly, but she is a high maintenance child in a funny way. Anyway, in the distance of the big pool I see a ball which at first I thought was ours. Same one, however not ours. The reason I know it's not ours is it has a name on it in permanent black magic marker - LILLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I swear just floating in the pool.
On Wednesday me and the girls took the ferry over and went to the Children's Museum. It was so much fun. They loved the ferry. Yesterday we went and painted a huge platter for Daddy for his Father's Day present. It is really cute. It has their hand prints on it. I think he will really like it. Last night, Lydia and I went to see Disney Live! It was a great show and I really enjoyed the time that just the two of us had together. We are now getting ready to leave to go to Gymnastics. Leighton is starting the toddler class today. How fun it is going to be to watch my little girl that can never sit still. After that we will probably head to the pool. Can you tell I'm keeping very busy? It helps because now I'm really getting anxious. Only 13 days left. I'm so ready to see the baby again. However, at the same time I'm so nervous. I have a lot of faith and hold onto that. Whatever God feels I can handle, I will handle. On another note my Mom has now said that the name Lilly is also popping up at weird times for her. My nephew starting talking to my Mom about a girl in his class named Lilly. She said, he has never mentioned her before. And then two days ago my Mom started a new book. The main character's name is Lilly. If my baby is a girl, how fun it will be to tell her all this one day.