No idea how far gone I am anymore. We disagree!!! So I'm not going to do anymore counting down until I know when I'm due from my ultrasound!
Anyway, I had to go and pick up the four poster cot I bought straight after my midwife left so I'm a bit late writing today.
My appointment went really well. She doesn't agree with my dates, she thinks I'm due on the 27th which makes me 5+1 today instead of 5+4. I can't really see how I am due on the 27th because if nothing else it'd mean I got an exceptionally early BFP at just gone 3weeks pregnant...
I dunno, I'm confused. Fertility friend says I am due on the 24th according to my Ovulation date but everywhere else says I'm due on the 27th according to my LMP. I think I'm just going to give up thinking about dates etc and wait for my scan for the moment! LOL
Homebirth wise she said it's really too early to tell. She was pretty disgusted that nobody has dealt with my treatment or told me what to expect and so she was writing off to my consultant Ob and Heamatologist today and going to badger them into seeing me ASAP hopefully. She also wants to come along to all my appointments with me, so she can discuss things fully and we can come up with a plan. She did say the Drs and consultants would say no way to a homebirth but it was upto me if I really wanted too but basically we agreed to just wait and see how it goes.
She explained to my DH how to do the injections into my thigh and possibly my arms too (although you have to be able to pinch an inch and my arms are pretty thin).
She did say this was a very complicated pregnancy but she'd had complicated ones and it didn't bother her. We're fairly sure looking at my notes from last pregnancy that I might have had gestational diabetes but I refused the testing as I didn't want to risk having to inject insulin so she said this time she won't report it yet but I have to go on a very strict "no sugar" diet to try and combat it because Lacey-Rose was 10lbs 2oz and this baby will be bigger if we don't tackle the problem effectively.
Erm... Can't remember what else was said or done. Basically the plan for the moment is to stay extra vigilant for signs of more PEs, diabetes, SPD (she agreed with my plan to get Reflexology, Acupuncture and visit a chiropractor) and Pre-Eclampsia etc etc... She's writing off to everyone who should have dealt with me but hasn't and will be coming to my appointments with me and I'm going to see her again this time next month! By which time we'll have hopefully seen all the consultants etc that we were supposed to have seen by now, I'll have had a scan to check viability and dates and then we can take it from there!
I'm 6weeks pregnant today!!! Our little Pumpkin is due in 34weeks!!!
(Or I'm 5weeks and 4days according to my midwife, but I think my date is better and more accurate!)
This week, little Pumpkin, you are the size of a grain of rice and your arms and legs are beginning to develop! I can't believe how big you are already!
So I have decided to stick with my original EDD. The one my midwife came up with is based on LMP, but I KNOW I Od earlier then normal so I'm pretty sure my date is more accurate then hers is. And I've only got a couple more weeks before I find out really...
I am surprised that I've had no problems with this pregnancy so far. No bleeding, no really horrible symptoms... The only nasty thing is I keep dreaming I'm either miscarrying, or baby has died, or baby is horribly deformed and everyone is hassling me to kill him.
Last night was the exception really. Last night I had a really lovely dream, that I went for a scan at around 12/13 weeks and they told me I was expecting a little boy and I was really happy and just admiring the scan and then when it was over I went shopping for bedroom stuff!
I was quite brave the other night, I let Martin give me my injections into my leg, and the same again last night. I was really worried (scared!) about having the injections there but to be honest they aren't that bad. They do sting more and leave my leg feeling a bit funny, but after 5-10minutes it's OK and it doesn't seem to have bruised so far!
I have become a bit obssessed with gender the last week. Mainly because everyone keeps going on about it. Apparently everyone feels like I'm having another girl, except me! I really feel that this is another boy and I'm really fine with that, but now I want to know! LOL I am going to buy one of those Intelligender tests. I know they're fake and it's a waste of money but I'm probably never going to get to do this kind of thing again and you never know, it might be right! LOL At any rate, it's a laugh! I'm going to do it around 10 weeks I think as according to the blurb that's when it's most accurate! Plus I hopefully won't have long to wait afterwards anyway for a real answer as I'm hoping they'll be able to tell gender at my NT scan at 13+ weeks like last time!
Anyway, I am going to take another belly pic, but I'll probably wait to post it up until tomorrow!
So it's Mothers Day today. I got some nice cards the boys had handmade... I also got a shop bought card but nobody had bothered to write Lacey-Rose's name in it. The first Mothers Day that she is around and he forgets to write my only daughters name in the card.
Anyway. There's not really much to say on the subject. It's less then I expected but so what else is new.
I got my appointment through to see a haematologist. I had to cancel my ultrasound though as it was on the same day. So my haematology appointment is on the 19th and my ultrasound is now on the 22nd.
I think my midwife is coming with me to the haematology appointment, which is a good thing as I tend to get very iffy around Drs and so don't take in everything that's said, at least she's used to it and will listen better then I will. I'm really hoping they say that I can come off the injections and just take daily aspirin or something. I hate the injections so much, I don't know how I'm going to manage the rest of my pregnancy with two painful injections a day.
Anyway, nothing really to say. Yesterday I was extremely tired and felt a bit sick so spent most of the day in bed. Tristan's little girlfriend came around and had dinner with us then Martin set up the projector so they could watch Transformers cinema style against the wall, that was pretty cool. I finally have to concede and say he can buy a projector when he gets the money in.
I'm going to go now. Contemplating going back to bed as this day is so.... Blah. Maybe if I just sleep through it I'll feel better tomorrow and won't say anything stupid or start an arguement over it.
So the spotting stopped the same day it started. I was feeling pretty confident about this pregnancy (maybe a tad over confident even) until Mothers Day and now I have very little hope left at all. I thought I could get through it and fight my way through fit, but I just can't. I can't carry on with the twice daily painful injections that leave my body bruised with what I can only presume is scar tissue under the skin. I can't carry on hoping that the baby will be alright when statistically I'm either likely to miscarry or baby is likely to die or be deformed or damaged in some way. I'm finding also that my health has suddenly started to feel pretty bad - I can barely drag myself out of bed since that day. My legs (particularly my calf muscles) feel like they're constantly on the verge of a really nasty cramp, my chest hurts when I breath in, I feel tired, my apetite is gone completely, I'm only able to bring myself to drink full fat milk at the moment nothing else...
I'm not down or depressed or anything. I just feel like what's the point in hoping everything will be OK, because the odds are really stacked against me and the likelyhood is it won't be OK.
I told the three older boys that I will probably have to have the baby in hospital and they probably won't be allowed to come with us. They were very upset and JJ actually cried. Which made me feel even worse cos I don't want to go to hospital either, let alone when I know it upsets the kids.
I told them they could come and see me straight after the baby is born but that didn't make them feel any better. I might see if I can arrange something to let them be there, but knowing what the hospital is like they'll say anything to get me in there and then change their minds once they've got me trapped. They've done it before, I have no doubt they'll do it again.
I can't really seem to get into this pregnancy at all now. I can't imagine a healthy, live baby coming out of it. I just don't see it anymore. Either that or I don't see me coming out of it very well...
I'll probably feel better once I've had a scan that shows a live baby. I'm sure I will, it just seems so far away.
I'm 7 weeks pregnant today!!! Our little Pumpkin is due in 33weeks!!!
(Or I'm 6weeks and 4days according to my LMP)
This week little Pumpkin you have elbows and knees, hands and feet!!! Growing so quickly and the time just seems to be flying past now... Can't believe it's only 33weeks until you're here. Doesn't seem like long enough to get everything ready for you!
On a completely different note, I am going to ask Martin to take me to hospital when he gets home from work as my chest is really strange. It hurts when I breath in, and I am very, very breathless... I can't even walk up the stairs. I had to walk the kids to school today and I still don't feel 100% right and it's nearly time to pick them up. I'm not sure if it's anything to worry about, I'm probably just being paranoid but this has been going on for several days and it just seems to be getting worse now, especially the breathlessness.
Doubt they'll do anything, probably just tell me I'm having a panic attack and send me home like last time. Funny how I'd never had a panic attack in my life, didn't have anything to be anxious about and my nurse panicked when she saw the state of me staggering about. And was then so unimpressed by their diagnosis that she wrote a letter of complaint about it and sent me back again a few days later with the same problems.
Yeah, got to love the hospital really.
We're supposed to have a friend coming over tonight to celebrate his birthday but I think Martin is going to have to cancel it...
Ho-hum... I've got to go shortly and pick the kids up - really not looking forward to that at all...
So I just this minute got back from the hospital. What a complete waste of my bloody time and I won't be going again until I'm close to death again.
My DH called my backup midwife (my midwife is on holiday) on his drive home as he was going to be awhile, she turned up on the doorstep 10minutes later, took one look at me and told me to call someone to take the kids, we are going to hospital. So I called my Mum who got my stepdad to come out and collect them and she drove me there. A&E was packed full, NO WHERE to even sit, it was so busy people were standing and queing up outside. Anyway, I found a seat eventually and waited to be triaged and was called in about 15-20minutes after I arrived.
I described what was going on and how the pain and breathless problems were getting worse, and the Registrar picked up the phone and said "you're going nowhere". Made a call to someone and told me to head straight to the SAU (surgical assessment unit) to be admitted. So we walked over there and they sent me over to a bed. This must have been around 5:20pm.
They came and saw me quite quickly, took my blood and obs and basically it was a case of waiting for blood test results after that. And waiting, and waiting, and waiting.
At 11pm we were still sat there waiting and they wouldn't tell me whether I was staying in or not.
Add into the mix that I hadn't had anything to eat that day, no breakfast, lunch or dinner and had barely had anything to drink. My DH, midwife and I all asked them at least 5 times if I could at least have a drink if not some food too....
I was still waiting for a drink at 8am this morning. Seriousely, they didn't even bring me any water.
And they left me in a bed on the assessment part of the unit (not the overnight) so the lights were blazing brightly all night and people were constantly coming in and out of the unit around me all night so I got NO sleep either.
So now I'm feeling sick from not eating in 24hours, and not having had anything fluids for gone 15hours and I'm now suffering really horrible stomach cramps too.
Anyway, the blood tests came back showing that it was unlikely to be a PE. They didn't even bother to try and diagnose why I can't breath, why I'm having chest pain, why I can't do anything without feeling very faint from lack of oxygen. Just said it was unlikely to be a PE and I could go home.
What a waste of my time. I am now WORSE off then I was before I went in. The breathlessness is worse, the chest pain is worse, I'm now dehydrated, feel sick and suffering terrible stomach cramps on top of all that CAUSED by my stay in hospital.
I'm not going back. I've made my decision. They've never helped me with this, even when I almost died my care was seriousely lacking. So I've made the decision not to go back unless I really believe it's life-threatening - it's just not worth the stress, time and effort. If I can manage at home with the pain then that's where I'm going to stay.
I am not feeling much better today... My stomach is really cramping a lot. I've got my backup midwife coming over tomorrow to take a urine sample and blood samples to test for UTIs and aneamia as apparently both of those could possibly cause the breathing difficulties. Apparently she is also going to complain to the hospital about my treatment.
That's the one thing I love about my midwife and her backup - they really care about their clients and will stick up for them where it's needed.
In the meantime I have decided I am not going back to hospital unless it's an emergency. I am going to go ahead with a homebirth unless there's a medical emergency which dictates I need to be in hospital or our lives are in danger. I've spoken briefly to the backup midwife and she was telling me she had a patient with a history of PE who was also on injectable blood thinners and they had planned a home water birth for her. The plan for her was two midwives would be present, with all the drugs they need to stop her bleeding out and an ambulance would be on stand-by incase she needed to transfer to hospital. There was no messing about if it went well she could have a homebirth, the second there seemed to be a problem she'd transfer. I think the woman concerned ended up needing an emergency csection but the plan in principle sounds good and that's what I'm going to do if my midwife will agree. I don't ever want to go back to hospital if I'm not on the verge of death!!! LOL (Well maybe not THAT severe but I'm not going in again just to be poked, prodded, kept awake, starved, dehydrated and then sent home with no diagnosis or treatment.)
Also that suits my family better. Martin hates me being in hospital cos he can't spend time with me then and it's difficult to get babysitting, the kids hate me being away from the house - strangely especially JJ who cries at night if I'm not there and who desperately wants to see the baby being born again. So my kids and husband want me to stay home. I hate, hate, hate that hospital and would rather give birth in the car park during a snow storm with no protection from the elements (it'd be more hygienic and probably safer then going through the hospital front doors - and I'd get more to eat and drink! LOL)...
So, that's where I'm at right now. I'm having a homebirth again. It's what I really want and I'm not changing my mind unless it's really dangerous for me to be at home.
There's only about 10 days until my haematology appointment too... Can't wait. Not sure why... I guess I'm just excited to think they may come up with a plan, and I've got a secret hope that they might allow me to come off the Clexane and just take aspirin or something instead.
Then the day after Good Friday I have my first scan... I'm nervous about that rather then excited. I can't decide whether I should take the kids or ask someone to have them either as if it's bad news and baby is dead I don't really want them to see that. But if it's good news and baby is alive then they'll be sad they missed it. The hospital doesn't really allow you to take that many people in, in one go... So not sure what to do....
I've also decided I'm not going to terminate if there is any issues with this baby. I just couldn't live with myself if I didn't give the baby whatever chance it had at survival, even for a few minutes and I especially couldn't live with myself if I did end my babies life and it turned out they were wrong and there wasn't a problem after all. I have also decided if the blood tests or scans show any problems I will be going for further testing like an Amnio cos I'd like to know in advance what to expect really. I know people don't really agree with me on this. My Mum thinks it's insane to keep a baby who is badly damaged or sick and my DH refuses to even discuss it so I've made the decision myself and that's the end of it really.
Anyway, I am dying to get to my NT scan now... I wanna see if we can see what the baby is again this time!!! LOL Plus it'll be good to know what the risk of problems are and how he/she is doing. I'm contemplating asking the ultrasound tech at my 12week NHS scan if they know anything about the nub theory and if they will give me a shot. But I'll wait and see what the tech is like before I ask because there are a couple of really horrid old bats at our hospital, and only one or two nice techs... I'm hoping for the bloke they have as he also works for a Babybond doing their NT scans and private scans, and he seemed quite happy and talkative when it came to the ultrasounds and I'm pretty sure he would take a look if we asked.
So I got an early appointment with my Ob the other day too... I have to go see her on the 29th April. Normally they don't see you until around 20weeks and then again around 40weeks but she's seeing me earlier for some reason.
My midwife should be getting home from holiday tomorrow I think. I hate to think of the amount of work she'll have thanks to me. I also got a call from my GPs surgery yesterday asking me to go in for a full blood count. We asked what for and they said apparently they have to do it every now and then cos of the Clexane. That's the first I've heard of it!!! They never did it before...
I am getting a bit nervous now about what my midwife will say about my homebirth plans. I'm not against going to hospital, I just really don't want to go if I really don't have too. I don't, at this point, see that there's any real reason for me to go to hospital so I'm not planning on it. If I have a really difficult pregnancy then maybe later on I'll revise but for now I don't want to be in that filthy hell hole ever again.
I am finding this pregnancy quite lonely and stressful at the moment. Especially here on pg.org. I always found this website to be a haven for me but at the moment I'm finding the boards I used to be on that I've gone back too are basically ignoring me, or not responding, the new birth board whilst the ladies are lovely just doesn't have the closeness of the August 07 board but I don't feel able to talk there either because it seems like everyday I read a comment about how insane the newly pregnant ladies are or how they couldn't stand to be pregnant as they want to devote time to their babies etc etc... Cos obviousely my Lacey-Rose is going to be totally neglicted now I'm pregnant. I mean I shut her away in the understairs cupboard for the last three days cos she's no longer interesting to me, right?! Stupid comments!
Anyway, I am doing OK at the moment. My chest and back both really hurt when I breath still. I am just waiting on the results to see if I've got a UTI. It's not poor iron levels as they are perfectly within range so that's not the problem. I should have the results by tomorrow so hopefully that will show up a UTI and then I just take antibiotics to get rid, the pain goes away and the breathing goes back to normal. I am so fed up with not being able to breath properly. The pain doesn't bother me so much - I can't remember the last time I wasn't in pain, I live with pain daily but I need to be able to breath!!!! LOL
Baby name wise we've not got a clue! I'm not using the name Lily anymore... Or maybe not unless it's changed slightly maybe spelling wise. As someone I know and am not particularly keen on recently used that name and I know I'll be told I'm copying and can't be bothered with the pettiness. Boys names I just can't think of anything I like much other then Rhydian. I really, REALLY love that name but DH will NOT agree to it. Brenton is OK but I just don't think I'm very keen on it. I don't love it like I love the name Rhydian. Martin can't see past the bloke from Xfactor though now, even though I liked that name since Raistlin.
I don't feel prepared at all for this baby. I've still got ages to go but normally by now I've decided on room layouts, things I need to buy, names, birth plans etc etc and this time I am so completely stuck as I can't decide ANYTHING until I have more information of one type or another.
Also people keep asking me what I think this baby is going to be. Girl or boy. And then keep giving me their opinions on what I'm having, which I don't really mind but the way they all say girl makes it sound like either they're trying to give me hope or boys aren't good enough. I really don't think this is a girl. I really think this is a boy and when I say that they all give me this look as if to say "awww she's saying that in the hope she won't be disappointed when she finds out it's true"... If I wasn't such a blabber mouth when it comes to my news I'd tell people we couldn't see for sure at the ultrasounds just do I don't get the sympathy vote when we find out it's another boy. "Oh, I'm SOOOOOooo sorry".... Like it's a bad thing!
I've also been thinking about what happens if I end up with a Csection. I'm already beginning to think about baby #7 and I really don't want to go there. I think whilst I am able too I will just keep popping babies out until either I die or my body gives up on me so I've been thinking if I have a Csection I might ask them to tie my tubes whilst they're in there... I guess that may be the only way I'll definately stop having children so I'd better do it if I get the opportunity.
Anyway. I'm rambling and I think miss. Lacey-Rose wants her bottle!
I feel terrible today. I barely got 4-5 hours of sleep last night after being upsete by a bunch of cruel and ignorant posts a group of ladies made about me despite the fact they don't know me at all... All they heard was my age and the # of children I have and made all sorts of horrible assumptions, which were really upsetting to read and I now feel kind of ashamed of myself. Maybe they're right. Maybe I'm wrong to have so many kids, so young. Maybe I don't do as great a job of parenting as I always thought I did. Maybe I don't provide for them properly.
I normally take nasty comments with a pinch of salt, but these ones really upset me and now I don't even want to leave my house anymore incase this is the general way people think about me when they see me. And yet if I'm so awful why are they in the same breath they're insulting me and judging me, asking me for my advice?
I don't get it. I have always been proud of who I am and my family and what I've achieved and now I just feel like I was being stupid and the world thinks I'm an idiot, a slapper, a scrounger and a bad parent.
Anyway, I think the stress of it has got to me because after a virtually sleepless night, my stomach is cramping really badly and I feel terribly sick and headachey. My chest hurts and I can't breath properly. Martin is out at work again today in Liverpool which is great but all I want to do is crawl into bed right now and go to sleep.