I found out on Friday that we are expecting baby number two. I swore that Tori would be an only child and it was difficult for me to confront my feelings about actually wanting another child. But I did it. And now I am pregnant.
It's a little hard right now. I am so excited to see more people join the birth board. But a part of me feels guilty because I don't have trouble getting pregnant. I knew what day I was going to ovulate, we had sex and I'm pregnant. It's not that easy for most of the girl around this site and I feel like I shouldn't be too excited just yet because they are dealing with so much. I don't even always know what to say because I have no idea what they are going through. The women in my family are as fertile as they come. My grandmother has 19 grandchildren and I believe that only four of them were planned pregnancies. And HER mother (who died eight years ago) had thirty-some grandchildren, sixty-some great-grand children, and Tori who would have been her first great grandchild! The women in our family get pregnant. It's just what we do.
Jon's really excited. We went to the circus last night... Jon's grandfather is able to get four tickets for cheap every year. It was just the three of us and I commented that it was nice to have an extra seat to dump all of our stuff on and he said, "But not next year!!!"
I am nervous. After what it was like last time, I'd be crazy not to be afraid. There were times when the pain and the sickness were so bad that I thought not only were we going to lose Tori, but I wasn't going to make it through, either. It was terrifying. Getting sicker and sicker and being told it was all in my head. I know that those issues have all been resolved and I think I am the healthiest that I have ever been right now, but it doesnt mean I am not scared!!!
I need to go eat. I feel a bit queasy and I KNOW the first rule of fighting m/s is "EAT BEFORE YOU FEEL HUNGRY".
The exhaustion is kicking in a bit. And I'm starting to have those weird baby dreams. Oh dear. Four weeks and six days... I feel so much better than I did at this point with Tori, though. I worked all day yesterday and went to bed later than normal and was still holding up. I wouldn't have been able to do taht with Tori!!!
My appetite at this point is huge. I want to eat everything in sight. And I did a really lousy shopping this time around. It's still NINE days til we shop again. Ugh, I hate getting paid this way!
Still haven't told family. I am just not ready for that yet. They are going to be so excited but then will come the guilt trips about living so far away.
I woke up really queasy this morning. I ate a piece of plain white bread and it got rid of the extra saliva and settled my tummy. Much better!
I bought my prenatals last night. Dr. Stafford said OTC vitamins were fine. My insurance doesn't cover prenatals and with Tori, I was paying $30 a month for 30 pills. Ugh. I bought these (that have all the same stuff in them) 144 pills for $5. So yeah, we'll be sticking with the OTC! They even have 20% daily calcium in them. My prescription ones didn't.
I still don't "feel" pregnant. I'm a little moody, and cry at the drop of a hat but I am very emotional anyway. My pants are a little tight. That's one thing.
Maybe getting a dog at this point in our lives was a bad idea. She is a really calm, sweet dog, but she has a few annoying habits that are going to do us in. She likes to put her paw on your arm while you watch tv. It is so annoying!!! She has huge paws and it scratches and hurts (even though iknow she doesn't mean it). And she will not pee or poop in the backyard. SHe MUST be walked on a leash through the neighborhood. That's fine when it gets warm out. But it is eight degrees out there today and we are not going for a walk! And she is stubborn. She's held it in for up to 48 hours rather than go in the backyard. I really don't know what is going to happen...
I had some spotting on Saturday. It wasn't a lot, but it was bright red. I had just gotten home from work, I hadn't even been doing anything physical at all. It scared me to death. I called the after hours number for the doctor and spoke with Dr. Sporre. He was on-call. He isn't my doctor but ironically, he also ended up delivering Tori because my doctor was out of town. Dr. Sporre said to stay off my feet and rest as much as possible.
I remember feeling really, really hot. I took my temperature and it was over 99 degrees - very high for me. I felt shaky and sick.
I called on Monday and made myself an appointment to see Dr. Stafford on Wednesday to check things out and see what was going on.
When I went in, Dr. Stafford said that he wanted to try an ultrasound but warned me that it was really early still and we may not be able to see anything either way. We had the ultrasound done and we did see both the gestational and yolk sacs. But no baby. I have been told over and over again that this is completely normal and not to worry just yet. But I can't help it. I still have so many doubts about this pregnancy - not about the baby but something doesn't feel right. I know that the logical explanation is that my last pregnancy was anything but normal and to experience "normal" pregnancy doesn't feel right to me. But I still have this nagging feeling that something isn't right.
We go back in a week from today for a follow-up ultrasound. Dr. Stafford says that by seven weeks we should be able to see something. I don't know how I will make it through this week without going crazy. The past two days alone have been an eternity.
Still waiting for that ultrasound. I am going crazy! I just want to know one way or another. I want answers. I thought going in last week would have made things better. But now I am even more of a wreck.
Jon is fighting some kind of queasiness. I told him he caught my morning sickness! I hope he isn't getting some kind of stomach bug. That is the last thing we need around here!
There should be answer this week on a settlement for Gramma's lawsuit. Not that it really changes my life any, but I want those people to pay for what they did. Allowing my grandfather to die in front of them without trying to help him. To watch him choke... I don't say this very often, but I hope they burn in hell. I still don't see why there were not criminal charges. I guess because the Health Department covered up for the nursing home. Which is the reason for the lawsuit. I feel like, maybe when this is settled and they admit they were wrong, it won't hurt so bad. Those people didn't think he was worth saving but he was MY grandfather and because of them, he never got to meet Tori and that HURTS. My only comfort is that Jon's grandmother DID live long enough to meet Tori and I always pray that somehow in Heaven they find each other and Gran can tell him all about how beautiful and amazing Tori Beth is. Maybe that's silly, I don't know.
I need to go eat. I have no interest in food at this point but if I don't eat almost constantly, I get that icky queasy feeling called morning sickness.
My ultrasound is in four hours. I'm nervous but at the same time, I really don't see how my morning sickness could be getting this bad if there was nothing in there. Tori and I are going all alone. I wish that JOn could come with us. I have no way to contact him today, good news or bad. He is going to be in town today afterall. I guess I could try to track him down.
I haven't been here in awhile. I just haven't been able to shake the feeling that something is wrong. Even this far into it, something still doesn't feel right to me. I don't know...
I had another u/s on Wednesday because even at fifteen weeks, the doctor couldn't get the heartbeat on doppler. That's really not normal - we heard Tori by doppler super early - nine weeks, maybe? The ultrasound showed baby's heart beating away but the baby was so still. Tori was so active all the time, so intense. She still is! I don't know if something is WRONG or if this baby is just really, really laid back and easy going.
Maybe that's all it is. Maybe this baby isn't going to cry for five straight months without breaking for air. Maybe this baby isn't going to become hysterical everytime she doesn't meet a challenge on the first try. Maybe this baby will just sit back and take things as they come. Tori sure doesn't and didn't! Everything about her is INTENSE. The way she plays, the way she laughs, the way she cries. She is high maintenance to the extreme. But at this point that is what I have come to love about her so much.
What if this baby is really laid back and so opposite of Tori that she doesn't need much from me? I feel like the reason I love Tori so much is mostly from how much she needed me. I poured so much into her cries and her challenges. If this baby is easy... I won't have to pour that much in and I feel like that means I won't get as much out of the relationship. I always see parents with "normal" kids and I think, "Can they REALLy love their children the way that I love Tori after all we have been through?" Maybe that's horrible but I have definitely heard other high-needs Mommies say the same thing.
What if this baby just sits up at six or seven months instead of INSISTING on doing it at five months? What if this baby slowly transitions from crawling to walking instead of taking a few steps here and there and then one day just standing up and never crawling again? What if this baby just babbles at six months and slowly picks up new words until by the age of two, she has a great vocabulary... instead of refusing to use her mouth to make noise at ALL until a year and then being stuck on Daddy, hi and bye for ten straight months and then one day deciding it was "time" and going from three words to over one hundred in a five day span? What if this baby tries new things but doesn't cry with passionate emotion at both being able to DO new things and at being unable? When Tori learned to go from her tummy to sitting up by herself, she was so emotional! She cried and laughed and cried and then did it again and again and again. She stayed up the whole night, sitting herself up and then crying and laughing and doing it again. What was she... eight months old? INTENSITY. That should be Tori's middle name. At first, her intense way of learning about the world drove me NUTS because she cried so much as an infant - I believe now it was shear frustration at what she was unable to do and WANTED to. She was trying to roll over at three weeks old and she would CRY when she couldn't do it. I nearly lost my mind - my prescription for prozac bears witness to that! But now? The way she takes on the world with that LOOK in her eye. God, I love that kid. She's different. She's special and she's intelligent in a way that blows me away.
What if the new baby is just average? Is that horrible to think? Is this normal second time motherhood stuff? I remember one girl I knew who's baby suffered a birth injury and the little girl has never had use of one of her arms. They went through surgeries and doctors and treatments. When she had her second baby she was so scared that a healthy baby wouldn't deserve as much love as her first baby who NEEDED her so much. I never really got to ask her how it turned out in the end. Will I love the new baby simply for NOT giving me a hard time? Will I love her for letting me sleep once in awhile and not keeping me up all night every night for... well... Tori still doesn't sleep all night! Will I love her because she's an easy going kid who doesn't cause too much trouble?