Lets see where to begin. I guess we'll start last August 2005.
I found out on a Monday I was pregnant I had started a new job and hadn't told my S/O yet. Was excited and scared I sat in orientation and day dreamed of all the fun things me and my baby would do. On wednesday during an orientation break I went to the bathroom and started bleeding. I called the nurses desk at my old insurance Kaiser and she told me since it was Friday to watch the bleeding and if it got worse to go to the ER.
By the time I got home that night I was hysterical the bleeding had gotten worse. I sat in my S/O lap and balled. I had lost my baby and he didn't even know what was wrong.
I eventually went to the hospital and they sad the Hcg was very low. I passed the clot in the bathroom. No one had said to keep it. The asshole doctor told me it would be ok it wasn't like I was 40 I was only 20 at the time I could have more. I was devastated, alone in the emergency room and had just lost my baby.
Fast forward a few months...................I eventually moved on from the m/c and wanting another baby. Our relationship went sour and we decided to go our seperate ways when our lease was up in Feburary 2006. We moved out of our house on Feburary 28th, 2006 I decided to go stay at my parents house and was going to move to my phoenix with a friend in May. That never happened.
On March 14th, 2006 I knew my period was late and took a pregnancy test. It came up positive right away I was shocked. It was 7 am and I was on my way to work. I went by where my S/O was staying, he was at a hotel him and his cousin had bought a house and were getting ready to move in. He didn't know what to say he was excited in his own way.
The end of July I went to visit that same friend in Phoenix she was being deployed to Kuwait so we all went to visit her. Trip was nice and I came home anxiously awaiting my first appointment.
On April 4th I had my first OB appointment. They did all the standard stuff blood work pap etc. Everything looked great. She recommended me seeeing the midwives since I was young and low-risk. I'm a nurse so i decided yes I would.
The next few months were all normal baby got bigger, had u/s, morning sickness everyone was excited this would be the first grandbaby for my parents. My friends all wanted to buy things for "our" little baby. I started looking to buy a house for me and my baby so s/he would have somewhere to grow up a place we could call home forever.
All through this pregnancy I was cautious, had a feeling of impending doom. I didn't want to buy anything until September. My due date was November 10th, 2006.
I found out in June I was having a little boy! My s/o was so excited his little man. He moved around alot and kicked and punched I loved it. I had a lot of back pain from working and just discomfort but it wasn't to bad now that I look back I would do it all over again.
Ob July 27th, 2006 I closed on my house! It was a 2 story 3 bedroom 2 1/2 bath 1600 sqft. I was so proud. My parents painted the baby room one night while I was at work. It was green and blue and was going to be the froggy tales theme. I already ahd the boarder.
The beginning of August 2006 I got a cold and was misrable the mdiwife kept telling me to keep hydrated. I had been having braxton-hicks for a week or so. I started to feel a little better and then the contractions got worse.
On August 9th, 2006 I took a shower and noticed I was bleeding I was about 26 weeks pregnant. I called my S/O and he rushed to get me I called the midwife she told me to go in. I had to go to a different hospital since I was under 36 weeks.
I went in and they monitored my contractions. They weren't regular and hard to track because the baby kept kicking them off. The midwife there tried to do an internal but it hurt so bad I jumped off the table. SO she did not check my cervix. She said I had a yeast infection gave me a perscription for some cream and sent me home. I was told I was ok to go back to work thursday and friday ngiht even though they knew I was a nurse and worked 12 hour shifts on my feet. Silly me did go back. I was no longer bleeding.
On friday August 11th I went and had my regular OB appointment. I still never got an internal was told all would be ok.
Saturday night after waking up from sleeping after work. I woke up and had very bad contractions. they were pretty regular and they hurt. I called and was told to keep monitoring them and to drink lots of water and go in if they got worse. I went to sleep and they stopped.
Sunday August 13th I woke up and had contractions every 5 minutes. I called and told the mdiwife I was going in. Didn't really want to but figured I should. I thought they would just send me home. They didn't I stayed for a week and I left without my baby. I never got to bring my baby home.
I'll continue this later. It hurts to type it out.
OK I'ma try this again.
Jeremiah Amir was born on August 16th, 2006 at 2:18 pm. He was born at 27 weeks and a couple days though I always believed they were a week ahead on my due date. He was born after me being in the hospital for 3-4 days on a magnesium drip and being unable to get out of the bed. They tried the best they could to stop my labor but were unable to. He came into this world screaming and mad breathing on his own. He was not ventalated he was put on a cpap machine to help him to remember to breathe and inflate his lungs. He was perfect in every way.
When Jeremiah was 15 days old after thriving in the NICU for a couple weeks. He started throwing up after his feeding his stomach was distened and he was sick very sick. They did an x-ray and I went home during shift change I came back and my perfect little baby who never cried unless woken up was screaming. He cried and screamed for hours. I can still hear his scream his cry I can still feel his pain. He had developed NEC an infection of his intestines where they died off. At this point I'm not really doing goog enough to type it out again. On Sunday September 3rd, 2006 we took Jeremiah off life support he died about 30 minutes later in our arms. He was 18 days old.
If you would like to read Jeremiahs whole story and see his pictures you can go to www.jeremiahamir.memory-of.com
or you can watch this.
OK I'ma stop again. I'll be back and we'll get to this pregnancy I hope.
This is the story I posted on the loss board. The women there have helped me so much. I don't think i could of gotten through this with out their support.
I found out I was pregnant the begining of March 2006, 2 weeks after moving out of the house I had shared with my boyfriend of 3 years, 7 months after my miscarriage. I was excited and scared all at the same time. I had planned on moving to Arizona in May but put those plans on hold because I wanted to have a family and work things out.
I had uneventful pregnancy, no high blood pressure no diabetes U/S looked good. Then on August 10th I started spotting which I had not done at all, went to the hospital they said it was a yeast infection sent me home told me I could go back to work. I worked Thursday and Friday night and started having contractions Saturday afternoon. I went to sleep and they went away, I called the midwife later on that night and was told, “it didn't sound serious just stay off my feet and rest.” On Sunday the contractions were every 5-10 minutes and hurt so I went back to the hospital. I was in premature labor. I was started on IV magnesium and given steroid shots to develop the babies’ lungs. I had an amniocentesis and tons of blood work and all the results showed no infection. The doctors told me I would have to stay on bed rest until 34 weeks I was 27 weeks pregnant. I only lasted 72 hours.
Jeremiah Amir Edwards was born on Wednesday August 16th, 2006 @ 2:18pm. He weighed in at 2lbs 3 oz 14 inches long apgar scores were 8 & 9. He came out screaming and breathing on his own. He was perfect. For 14 days he got better and better He tolerated his feedings and was gaining weight. His patent ductus arteriosus had closed on its own with the help of medication, he had no bleeds in his brain and I loved him more then anything in this world.
On Thursday August 31st at his 6pm feeding he started spitting up milk, he was being fed by a tube down his nose. I looked at his stomach and it was distended and hard the nurse took a look at him and had the doctor come look at him I had to leave it was shift change.
I came back at 8:30 and my Jeremiah cried and cried for hours. They x-rayed his abdomen and found air in his intestines; they diagnosed him with necrotizing enterocolitis. I sat next to him in his isolette and held his tiny fingers. I had to leave at 2:30am because I had not pumped in hours and the nurses could not find an extra breast pump set up for me to use. So I live 15 minutes away. I went home and pumped for 10 minutes and called Jeremiahs daddy. My other line beeped and it was the nurse she told me I needed to come back they were intubating Jeremiah.
On September 1st, 2006 Jeremiah had surgery to remove the dead parts of his intestines. The surgeons removed 50% of his small intestines 10% of his colon and created a colostomy. They said they would go back in and reconnect his intestines in 6-8 weeks. Jeremiah never got better. He was unable to maintain his own blood pressure, so he was on 3 different medications to do so. He no longer made urine and was in kidney failure. On September 2nd, he was no longer to breathe adequately on a regular ventilator. He was put on an oscillator ventilator, which made his whole body vibrate with small rapid breaths. They gave him blood transfusion after blood transfusion, assuming he was bleeding somewhere internally but unable to find out where. They believed the remaining intestines had died but were unable to find out since he was unable to have surgery again. If they removed any more intestines he wouldn’t be able to absorb anything, he faced a life of Iv feedings, if he even recovered. That is not the life we wanted for our child.
There was nothing more they could do; it was in Gods and Jeremiahs hands. He never got any better and continued to do worse. We didn't want our child to have that life, we didn't want him to hurt anymore we loved him enough to let him go.
Jeremiah was removed from life support on Sunday September 3rd and died 30 minutes later at 4:45pm in his parents’ arms.
Thanks for reading his story.
OK back again we're going to skip past the past couple months since there so sad and it hurts to right it all over again.
Me and my s/o Miles talked about having another baby. Not to replace Jeremiah but rather have the baby we wanted. At first Miles was ok with the situation but later on said he couldn't do it again, couldn't go through the pain of losing another baby. The m/c was hard on him and me but losing a living breathing child is so much different hurts so much more. Not to offend everyone of course but it is. I've been through both so believe me I know. Wouldn't wish either pain on anybody.
I went and saw my midwife for my 6 week check at the end of September after having jeremiah and as always she's awesome. She decided to send me to see a doc at the high risk clinic that specializes in clotting disorders. I had my blood drawn the beginning of october for all the tests.
A week or so later my midwife called and said one of the tests came back positive for Beta 2 glycoprotein Igm, which is one of the anitbodies in antiphospholipid syndrome. Which would explain why I had a 5% abruption which may of caused my preterm labor.
I went and saw the clotting doc on November 4th. She was pretty great concerned since I had a murmur that never resolved and had been pretty anemic. She said the only way to diagnosis this clotting disorder is to do 2 tests that come back positive 8 weeks apart. I was scheduled to come back for the blood test on December 5th, then would see her again on the 14th.
December 14th I had my second appointment with her and of course all my blood work was now negative. She said that sometimes infection, stress or anything can cause the lab test to be abnormal. She really wanted to give me an answer but there was none. The treatment would of been lovenox or heparin injections. Instead she told me to take a baby aspirin and said she would retest me when I got pregnant again and treat if I got another positive blood test. Oh and I had an Echo done on my heart to make sure nothing was wrong. Everything was fine just a small abnormality that would not cause any problems.
On December 18th I got a positive OPK and did some BDing with my pre-seed. Didn't really think anything would happen but was just hoping. Christmas came and went it sucked since Jeremiah should of been here and celebrating he would of been 4 months old.
Early in the morning on 12/27 I took a HPT and got a very faint positive. I was shocked! I waited up all night to nervous to sleep waiting for the docs office to open. I took a bunch of HPT took some apart took some more then used an OPK when I was out of HPT to see if I got a line with that. Since Hcg and LH are similar a OPK will give you a positive.
At 11am I went and got my blood drawn. A couple hours later I called talked to the nurse she said it was only 14. I was hurt - thats very low. She said it could be a chemical pregnancy or it might just be to early. I talked to one of the midwives and she said not to get to upset it was still very early and that they would bring me in next week.
Here are my pee sticks in a progression:
I went out on New Years eve with some friends and was in a car were one of the guys were shot and killed. I've seen a lot of things in my life seen a lot of people die as a nurse. But I was devastated I didn't even no the guy and there he was dead. Wont really get in to that story but it did get to me still does. To many people dying around me.
On Wednesday January 3rd, 2007 I went in to see my midwife. She of course is excited and says she had a good feeling for me. I hoping shes right. Here's what I posted on PAL after my appointment:
My Hcg was 855 and my progesterone was 31.9!Posted: Wed Jan 03, 2007 7:38 pm Post subject: My Appointment!
I was so scared to go in and see them today. But I now remember why I love this midwife. SHe knew exactly what the questions on my paper were and answered them before I had a chance to ask.
-We rechecked my hcg and progesterone. (No results yet)
-I will get an u/s at 7-8 weeks so I can see the heartbeat and for dating since my cycles were short.
-She put in a referrel for me to see the clotting doctor again and get retested again for all those. (doc said if I tested positive again she'd treat me with heparin)
-I have a referrel to go to the high risk clinic. Just waiting for them to call and schedule me. But should go in the next 3-4 weeks.
*My 2 options will be heparin injections if any of my clotting tests come back positive again. ( I had a + and then the follow up was neg. was told if I get another + when pregnant they will treat.)
* Option 2 would be progesterone shots at 16 weeks untill like 34-36 weeks. There shown to prevent most preterm labor in women with previous premature births.
-I go back to midwives for my pap etc. on the 25th.
-She asked how I felt emotionally about this pregnancy and wanted me to know that she wanted me to enjoy being pregnant or try and not be a bundle of worry
-Cramping is normal and so was the spotting I had.
-Ok to keep working nights (I work at a hospital as a nurse) and I was concerned that my standing and working long hours. She said no but may need to reeval me working nights when I get to around 20 weeks.
So now I'm just waiting for my results. Keeping my fingers crossed and trying not to get my hopes up. Sorry this is so long.
So now we're pregnant! Not to sure how I really feel about it I'm terrified beyond belief. Luckly one of the other girls from my loss board is pregnant too we're due a couple of days apart. I'm just happy I have someone to go this through with.
I had some spotting on Friday December 29th. I cried and cried and prayed to God to let me keep this baby. Told him that he had Jeremiah and my other angels and that this baby was mine to raise. I only had it when I wiped and it was brown. I put on a pad and prepared for the worst tried to sleep. You know what it stopped.
I'm still really crampy not really hurting but just like I have to go to the bathroom cramps. Makes me nervous. Just hoping and praying. Wishing for just one baby to bring home. I'll never asl for another can't keep daring fate.
I go for my first ultrasound on January 29th. I could go earlier then 8 weeks but I want to see something not just a blob. I had my first one with Jeremiah at 10 weeks.
Still no sore boobs but I'm having some m/s and loving it. I don't want to go and get stuck again for another Hcg (I have bad veins and I'm just sick of being poked) so I bought a HPT and took it. Came back positive right away and my line was darker then the control. That will satisfy me for now.
Waiting for the high risk clinic to call and schedule me. Waiting for my next appointment and then my ultrasound. Just waiting. I made it to 5 weeks today!
Now only 32 weeks to go until we're full term. My biggest fear right now is losing this baby and/or having them on Jeremiahs birthday (August 16th) or on the day he died (September 3rd) Just want to keep those days for him.
not so patiently waiting,
Still here. Nothing much going on really just waiting for something I don't know what. Hoping praying and all of the above. I was outed by one of the charge nurses at work and now everybody knows which is irratating since I didn't want everyone to know since I'm still so early. Of course I got the "your pregnant again!" Yes ***** I'm 22 I can be pregnant as much as I want. Just the stupid things people say like I should just sit in a box and not try and get what I want. My son died, this isn't his replacement. Could you replace your child? No I never brought him home only held him a couple times but he could never be replaced.
*sigh* people are just stupid and make me angry so much sometimes. Its 1:30am so I'ma try and go to sleep I have to work tomorrow night and we're supposed to get another snow storm. Fun I know.
I'm still here.
Not doing so good emotionally. Just really sad and depressed. I have been having terrible dreams, pretty scary. Missing Jeremiah pretty bad and just overall sad. Waiting on my midwife appointment and my ultrasound just hoping everything is good with this baby.
I want this so bad. I deserve this. Don't think I can take anything else bad going on for along while. So I'm praying for my bean.
A friend of mine who is due in May called she is expecting a little boy she just found out. I don't know when I got her message I just cried. I miss my little boy soooooo much. This is very hard to deal with. Anyone who has ever lost a child then went on and been pregnant knows. I can't replace Jeremiah but I would give anything in this world for 5 more minutes, 5 more days just one more baby smile. This is very hard. Didn't know it would be this hard.
I'ma just keep praying. I need to go back to my support group in real life. They also have a group for pregnancy after a loss. I'm also now looking for a therapist. With these dreams and just everything that has went on I feel like I'm losing my mind.
Today I am 41 days pregnant only 218 days to go until I am full term.
Jeremiah has been gone for 131 days.
I only wanted to be a mommy who knew it could ever be so terribly hard. I'm 22 years old shouldn't have to worry about all the bad things that could/have/can happen. I have no problem getting pregnant I just seem to have trouble staying pregnant.
Now this new trouble with s/o is killing me. He's mad I'm mad we're both mad at each other. Love is a strange thing. You think back to what you thought your life would be like and never in a million years would I have guessed this would be my life. I didn't sign up to be a single mother - don't want to be a single mother and my child deserves better. Jeremiah deserved better and all he really had was me - s/o just wasn't really around. Loved him no doubt had a terrible dad himself who was around but wasn't. No excuse but I just don't understand "if you love me then why should anything else matter?" He tells me that I wasn't thinking about him on New Years well he isn't listening to what I told him - it wasn't like that. I know to others reading this it doesn't make sense but believe me in real life, those that know what went on it does, would just rather not get into it on a public board.
Not to sure what to think about anything anymore. you plan a baby, want this baby more then anything in this world but then why am I so sad? Why does it hurt so much?
I look at my Jeremiahs pictures and I just cry it hurts more then I could ever begin to put into words. I told s/o today while he may be going through the same pain as me its not the same it wasn't his body that kept killing his babies - it was mine. I can't explain the guilt I carry with me just under the surface that no one sees. The guilt of knowing it was my body that couldn't carry my babies that died inside. The guilt of knowing that my body couldn't keep Jeremiah inside, my milk that wasn't good enough to protect him from infection, it was my decision to take him off life support and let him die. My decisions, my body, my fault. Now in reality I know that it was all out of my hands, well not totally but I do know that guilt will eat you up and I try to shrug some of it off but its there.
Earlier on in this journey I tried to figure out "why" I just wish I had a reason an explanation as to whats so wrong with me. If 13-14 year old girls can have healthy babies why can't I? I just want to scream sometimes beacuse I'm so angry at the world. So angry at everyone and everything. Yes, depression sucks.
I called into work for tonight I just don't want to go anymore. I want to stay home and cry. I just wish someone understood how I felt, really. Not only did I lose pregnancies and Jeremiah now I'm pregnant again and I'm all alone. Alone because of a situation was out of my hand. Doesn't make much sense maybe I';m not taking responsiblity of my actions who knows.
I keep feeling more guilt for wanting another baby. Maybe I really don't deserve one maybe this is all part of Gods plan. Maybe those 18 days with jeremiah was all I was to get. Its hard to even think of him as my child. When your baby is in the NICU you miss so much. The jusy picking him up, changing his diaper, making him feel better when he cried. I never held him to my chest I don't know why that bothers me so much but I never felt his head on my skin.
I guess I'll stop now I'm really only rambling through my tears.
I think my point to all this is when do I get my fairy tale ending? When is it my turn for happiness? I'm sick of crying and hurting and the depression. So very sick of all this pain and guilt. I'm tired of people telling me they understand and how they hurt to over my pain. Wish I could tell them you have no idea how it feels to watch your baby suffer and die. You have no idea how it feels to have to move on from "that" to have to live after death. Yep people unless you know that pain theres no relation.
I'd never wish that type of pain on anybody. Its something you'd never want to feel.
Still praying though, still believing, still optomistic. This time I have to bring a baby home.
Well I'm still here. 7 weeks pregnant today!!! I have my first ultasound scheduled for wednesday and my midwife appoinment is Thursday. Nothing much to add just hanging out and waiting. I finally have an appoinment scheduled with the perinatologists on the 31st. Hoping everything is going well. Hoping I see a heartbeat on Wednesday.
I'll be back with an update.
OK so I suck at keeping a journal but really want to keep a record at least some what. So let me catch you guys up.
Had my u/s and we saw the heart beat! It looked like a blob not a baby yet but it was alive and beating. I think S/O teared up a little. Had the always question "Is this you first pregnancy?" its all from well meaning people but damn it hurts to have to say no and explain. Have to explain otherwise you get the "How old are your other kids?"
Picture of bean at 7 weeks 6 days (Due date changed to 9/6)
January 30th We saw the Perinatologist!
What an experience! He was great although I was scared to see a male OB doc. I've never had a male doc kinda silly but . He was great hes the head of the department at the university and I was fully prepared to cuss him out if he had the bull$hit lets just watch and see what happened but he had a great plan.
So thats the plan. Sounds pretty good to me. Makes me feel like all my paranoia and things aren't for no reason. Thank god for great doctors.This is the plan:
* Have a pap once a month to check for bacterial vaginosis and yeast infection since that can also cause preterm labor and I had a yeast infection the week before I went into labor with my son. SO Yea paps once a month!
* I will start weekly progesterone injections at 18 weeks. There called 17p and research has shown that injections prevent preterm labor in patients that have previous unexplained preterm births. Research looks very very good for these and holding out labor unitl after 32 weeks. If anybody has or knows someone who has taken these will you give me more info Please!!
* At 22 weeks I'll start having every other week ultrasounds to check cervical length. This will determine what we do next. If there are any changes we'll do the FFN test which tells you if the shortening of the cervix or contractions are real labor and if you will deliver in the next 2 weeks.
* I will be followed by both the perinatologist and the midwives which is good since I have such a great relationship with my midwives! If anything goes "wrong" or starts to change I will have to see only the perinatologist.
OK obviously I'm not good at this journal thing but let me catch you up.
The last week of Feb. I was real sick with gastroenteritis. Basically I was vomiting and diarrhea nonstop. I went to the ER and got some fluids and reglan () they did an u/s and baby was fine just relaxing with hands above its head.
Friday Feb. 23rd I had to do my follow up from being in the ER. I saw the midwife student first she was really nice wanted to ask me all the normal questions and how I felt. Also of course the dreaded question as to how I'm doing emotionally. Well thats a tough one it changes minute to minute day to day. Heard the heartbeat after about a 15 minute search by my midwife. S/he is a little playful and hides from the doppler. Also they told me I needed to do the Quad screen that the high risk doc ordered before the end of the next week. I didn't know about that. So after a long ordeal getting that scheduled I got it done.
Quad screen Feb. 27th. That was fine. Nothing major I spoke with the Genetic Councelor, had my blood drawn and the U/S!! Baby was fine measuring about 5 days bigger so hoping we don't have to change the due date again.
Another hands above the head shot!
Work and FMLA
So since I was off from work from August 11th- November 29th on short term disability and maxed out my FMLA for the next 12 months. I talked to the lady at HR who does the FMLA/disability. She's pretty great she was the same person I delt with after Jeremiah died. She was so excited and positive that I was pregnant again. Made me feel good when people are positive for you when some days its hard to be on my own somedays.
Back to what HR said. Sadly since my FMLA is maxed out and my due date is September 3rd I will have NO FMLA if I need to go on bedrest. I still have 13 weeks of my 26 weeks of short term disability left so at least I'll get paid a little. The down side is the MAX amount of leave I can take is 90 days (as non FMLA medical leave) + any vacation days I have. After that time I must resign. Pretty upsetting but not shocking as I figured it would be something like that. Good part is I'll qaulify for Cobra insurance since that was what I was really worried but my payments will go from $60 a month to about $430! YIKES. But at least I don't have to worry about not having any coverage.
Now we'll just have to wait and see how things unfold. I'm going to go down to 2 days a week at work the end of April or Beginning of May. I work as a nurse and work 3 12 hour shifts and it wears on my body being up on my feet so much.
So besides that nothing much going on. I'm waiting to schedule my 18 week u/s so I can find out if I'm having a boy or girl. Its a boy but I guess I could always be surprised with a girl. I start my injections at 18 weeks so alot will be going on.
I'm trying to stay positive about this whole pregnancy but it seems so impossible that it will work out. The baby kinda moves alot which is weird to feel it so much but nice that I know the baby is in there and ok.
So I'm hoping and praying I get my miracle. We'll see.