I wasn't expecting this one either, honestly. We'd done everything we thought could be done, using the Nuvaring for our method of birth control, as well as strategically placed condom use, you know, just in case. Appearantly the "strategy" was off, and the nuvaring failed me, because here I am, with 6 weeks worth of baby inside of me right now, a very surprised (but happy) boyfriend and the constant thought in my head "oh lord, we're screwed".
I can't say much is different about this situation that was different from the last except that my partner is supportive, active and thrilled. We love each other, which is a lot I think. I do have a great job, starting on the 10th of July which is a start and I should be getting my own place soon as well. Currently I'm living off the kindness of others (read:living with the boyfriend's family until mom finds out then living in a shelter) but I'll get there I think. I know I can get back to where I was. This time, I have someone else to think about.
I have to admit my first thought when I suspected I might be pregnant was "ooh, I wonder if he'd be willing to let me give this one up too." Whenever anyone asks me about my experience with adoption it is nothing but positive answers. Every moment was amazing. I won't say I didn't have a few moments where I felt like a piece of me was miles away, but I can't tell you if that's because of Teresa being gone from me, or Matthew. I miss them both equally. Once I brought it up with M (the boyfriend) he gave me an unequivocal no on the adoption. That was when I was concerned about bringing it up to T. I wondered if she was going to get hopeful that my being pregnant again would mean another baby, then be hurt when I told her I was keeping it. Obviously as much as I thought I knew the woman I don't. She was ecstatic for me and is hoping right along with me for a girl.
I'm very unsure as to the kind of emotional rollercoaster I'm about to embark on, I have moments where I'm terriffied and where I'm excited. Right now I'm scared of losing this one, we've had some spotting and cramps. I'm sure it will work out accordingly, it always does.
I'd had a small nervous breakdown this morning around 7am. I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep and felt like crying my eyes out all morning. My mind was racing and I was feeling like I was going crazy. I woke up M and asked him to talk to me until I felt like I could sleep, took almost 2 hours, but I went and watched TV and went to sleep. My mom called this morning to tell me that my grandfather had passed finally, I'd gotten a call last sunday saying he'd been taken to the hospital and wasn't expected to live more than a couple days. We were very close, I was his first grandchild and spent a lot of time with him as a child. He was the first person I told when I found out I was pregnant at 18, despite my fear that he'd be disappointed in me. He wasn't, he was concerned. He'd call me weekly to check on me (he lived in another town about 6 hours away) and would visit every couple months. I had a book collection of which he'd refresh every time he'd come down. They were scottish comic books. I'm devastated. I know I'd been expecting it, he's been sick for a couple years now but I'm devastated. I know he's in a better place and while I'm happy for him, I'm sad for me. He never got to meet Monty and for that I'm especially sad. Monty deserved to have grandad's influence in his life. I miss him already.
Off to my first midwife appointment today. Hopefully I'll be able to post what happened tonight but it may be tomorrow depending on where I'm staying tonight. I'm a bit nervous about the appointment, I'm not sure why. The first one is always a bit nerve wracking for me. I guess part of me still thinks they're going to tell me I'm not pregnant or something. I'm also still rather heavy from my last baby and I guess I don't want a lecture about weight gain and what not.
Pretty sure none of that will happen but still...
My appointment was great. I'd almost forgotten how much I loved my midwife. She had a nursing student in with her, though she did mention a few times that I was not the "normal" pre visit, especially considering I just had Matthew 10 months ago.
The nurses asked how Matthew was doing, and how I was and of course the answers are always the same. I'm great (though shocked) and he's spoiled and happy as always.
Our first visit is always just a chat in her office, we discuss family history, my history, etc. etc. and since I was just there not long ago it was very quick. "everything still the same? do you know much about the father's history?" and off for a brief ultrasound after neither of us could figure out how far along I was. It didn't help, we still don't know exactly how far along I am but she did say that the sac looked good. I felt somewhat relieved, though I can't wait to see a heartbeat. I'm taking M with me for the next appointment in 2 weeks. I get another ultrasound.
I definitely am re-living all of the emotions I felt when I first found out I was pregnant with Matthew. I remember being excited at first, and then terriffied. I think around this time with Matthew actually I was still in denial. I remember wishing the pregnancy would just go away. I'm so glad it went the way it did though. I think this time I'm going to re-live every emotion I had as I get to that point again. I don't know if any pregnancy will ever be the same for me now because of my experience. I do know for a fact that the delivery is going to be dramatically different. Actually I'm excited about that. About breastfeeding and them placing my new little pink baby right in my arms.
I'm seriously going to be so hugely fat! I just ate 4 krispy kreme donuts because I saw them on TV. I can't go on like this. I was in the car eating them on the way back and I said I was feeling nautious again, while I was still eating. M's friend asks me "how the hell can you be nautious and still eating?" One of the wonders of being pregnant, I guess. M told him "dude, she's always ill.. I think she's just used to it."
It hasn't been as bad this time as it was with Monty, but it's definitely worse than it was with Matthew. I just hope for sure it's a girl. I know it's selfish to wish so heartily for a girl, but I want one so much. I'll obviously be ecstatic with whatever, I am already, but there's a pink vibe coming from me repeatedly. Constantly, actually. Likely from M too, I know he wants a girl as much as I do. I have little pink booties hanging from my rear view mirror in my car.
Right now, though my main focus is just having this baby stick. There was no heart beat when I got my u/s done and while it's possible that it was just hard to see or it was too early I'm concerned. I'm not sure I can handle a loss, despite this not being the best time in the world. I'm not sure M can handle the loss either. I've just become so excited that I think a loss right now might devastate me.
Sooooooo... that's number one to me right now.
Come on kiddo. Hang in there for mom and show me some good stuff in two weeks.
ha ha, dad's turn for the freak out. I think the reality has finally hit him and he's where I was a couple weeks ago. It's scary becoming a parent, especially for the first time. I need to remember that he's young, and inexperienced and to cut him some slack when he panics. I guess I'm just scared of getting left alone on this one too. Especially after I geared myself up so much to keep this one.
I'm sick. I wasn't sick like this with Matthew, but I was worse with Monty, so I guess I should be thankful.I discovered the wonders of kool aid pink lemonade today. Ice cold, it's making my stomach feel better.
I'm thinking back to where I was at this stage when I was pregnant with Matthew, and I think I was either in denial still, or was thinking I might be able to keep him. I think I'm major bloated, I feel like such a fatty today. Worse than normal. I'm seeing some very pretty bellies on my birth board and I'm ashamed to show mine. It's not pretty. Still, I'd love to. I want to keep track this time. I want picture of my belly, and I want to tape the birth. I'm already thinking about maternity clothes, and buying baby gear despite how soon it is and that I could still lose this one. I guess two good pregnancies one after the other tends to get your positivity up. I'll keep hoping
I'm so scared. Yesterday my friend, the one who kicked me out, needed me to get all my stuff out of her garage. I'm not sure what happened, I didn't do a whole lot but I lifted some things.. now I'm spotting and I don't feel my symptoms like I did. I'm scared that this one isn't going to make it.
Prayers or thoughts would be appreciated right now
I guess that pasta helps soothe my nausea, I've become a carbaholic! Today though I didn't have any carbs at all and I found the nausea slowly creeping back. Nothing major, in fact I haven't felt like I was going to throw up all day. So, I get myself a bean burrito and double decker taco (yes, T the taco bell cravings... AGAIN) and wash it down with a big old water. I'm sitting on Monty's dad's bed waking him up and I feel a tickle in my throat. Oh, I'll just cough.
HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURL all over the bed, it was NOT a pretty site. Spontanious Hyperemesis... NOT somethign I'm used to. I've never had the spontanious thing before. Usually I can run to the bathroom.
Guess things are okay. I could end up on bedrest, however at least things are still looking good. Hopefully.
My ultrasound is wednesday at 11:30. Hoping for good news
Oh lord. Twins. Wow.
I'm not sure I'm sufficiently out of shellshock to be posting a journal entry, but I must. It's been forever.
The appointment was pretty run of the mill except the ultrasound. I peed in a cup, I lost 6 lbs in a week and a half due to my vomiting. I'm miserable most of the time but I have my good days, which is enough to keep me going.
My BP was ok, midwife was concerned about my lack of fluids, but promised she wouldn't hospitalize me if I could do something.
So, the ultrasound.
She had to do a TV ultrasound, my uterus is tilted making abdominals very hard in the beginning. I remember she put the wand in and I *thought* I saw two sacs.. however I passed it off. I mean, what are the chances. So, I'm laying there and she says "Well... there's two of them!"
After that is really kinda a blur. I cried a lot. I'm sure that M is still in shellshock as well.
I'm both super amazingly excited and terriffied. What a major life change. Whew. And just like that I'll have 4 children
I have been SO ill, and working. I haven't been able to journal in a while. A lot has happened since my last entry, I had a small crisis of faith, and found myself doubting a lot of things, particularly myself. Which is dangerous.
I'm not so sure it's exactly hit me that I'm having two babies. I'm not so sure it's going to until they're here. Of course it's still early. I already feel like I've been pregnant forever, and it hasn't even been 9 weeks yet. I think once the illness passes I'll be much better.
Between the vomiting and the headaches (which I think is from the dehydration) I found myself in the hospital yesterday getting fluids and pain meds and anti nausea meds. I'm still out of it and sleepy today. I hate the way drugs make my body feel and I'm not sure I'm ever going to feel normal again. Though I better by tomorrow, work again.
Today is my first day with Monty since tuesday. I can't believe he's been gone away from me that long. Monday night I'd gotten my car reposessed from me, so I had to go out to my ex's for the night so I could get a ride to work the next day. That night I went to my ex mother in law's to spend the night and hopefully come out with another car. The one I got isn't pretty by any standard, and it's loud and falling apart. There's an exhaust leak somewhere that I'm sure contributes to my headaches, but it gets me to work and that is my main priority right now. Working, so I can get that almighty paycheck, so I can get a place of my own and a reliable car under me, and start getting ready to have my babies.
The new job is good, I'm not in the actual job yet, just training which makes a big difference but right now it's a cush job for the paycheck.
I'm so totally excited about getting to go and see Matthew! I know that while T is wanting time to stop, I'm wanting it to hurry up so I can go and see them all. I wish it could be more than once a year but right now I'll take what I can get.
Being at my bf's house with him not here is very weird and uncomfortable for me right now. I know his family is cool and all but it's so hard not feeling like anything here is yours, and you're afraid to eat their food or use the shower or make a mess. I want to clean up as much as possible, but right now with me being drugged out, sick and headachey it's not happening. I wish I could tell them all why I'm so sick. I wish M would face up to it, so I can stop hiding it. It's getting more and more difficult to hide these days, especially when I need to start getting out the maternity clothes.