I'm in the middle of one of the very least favorite parts of my day which I get to indulge in twice (sometimes more) a day. Ah fetal monitoring. Lay down on your back and wait 15 minutes for us to get a good catch on both babies heartbeats at the same time, then don't move for at least 20 (unless we forget about you)
and we'll come take you off those and leave you on the toco (contraction) monitor for another 40 (unless we forget about you). This winds up taking most of my day and leaves me frustrated with everyone around me. Especially when they forget about me.
I've discovered that bedrest accomplishes of course the main thing (we all hope)
and that is to keep my babies in for as long as possible, thereby preventing most of the horrible things that come along with prematurity. I've also discovered that a wonderful side effect of that bedrest (so far to me at least!) is you get to lay around thinking about all the way's you've screwed up in your life and all the things you're missing out on.
I've tried to find myself other things to do but eventually I think you just start to lose the drive to do so. My friends have all but disappeared it seems, and my bf who while sweet and he tries.. is useless. I get tired of defending him to myself. He's had 5 months to get his license, and 2 months to register his car properly.
His excuses for not being able to be here with me are beginning to get old and tiresome and I'm losing my patience with him very quickly. We're fighting because he doesn't get any free time to himself, and yet he's never here. I was asking for him to be here on his weekends, which bothers him because he wants to spend time with his family.
The minimal activities that were allowed before have been kaiboshed.
I started contracting again and have dilated further, so I've been put on new drugs and restricted. I shower, I go to the bathroom and that is it. Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure I'm falling into a depression due to the lack of socializing, company and my helplessness. Today hasn't helped. I miss my son, who was my whole life up until now. I'm watching him bond with the wretched woman who is with my ex.
Together they're just one big happy family, and I hate it. So due to this, I've not wanted to eat and my daily schedule I worked so hard to maintain is falling apart. Some due to hospital stuff and some due to the fact that I'm finding it hard to just get up to bother getting dressed.
Bottom line here is, I fully realize that I'm going to have bad days and I just hope that I can find good days.
I need to be able to spend more time with my boy, hospital policy and my lack of support make that hard. Nobody around you realizes how much bedrest, not just hospitalization, can take over your everything, down to your soul. You get so tired, and so upset in a situation that is already full of emotion and turmoil.
I haven't really stopped crying today, and if you could get dehydrated from crying I'm sure I'll find out soon enough. I'm apologising community wide for the way I've had to post on here.. I'm sure it's a pain in the *** for everyone but I had to post. I'm losing my mind and my grasp on reality