I actually thought being at work would make the days go by faster, giving me something to do. I guess it makes the weeks go by, but the days... oh lord. I'm literally falling asleep at work. I think it has something to do with the fact that I don't have any sleep.
The last few days have been worse than normal at M's house. I should be grateful that I even have a roof over my head while I'm sleeping but I tell you it's hard. The people in that house are nocturnal, and so come 10pm they're all awake and alert and roaming around, turning on lights, talking, watching movies. Meanwhile there's me trying to sleep on the couch. I can't hardly stand it and I'm SOOOO tired. I'm tempted to use some of my paycheck to get me a hotel room for a night or two and get me some good sleep. I can't necessarily afford it, I have so much that I need to buy and get an apartment and a better car and... well, a lot. I think sleep is so totally important to me though so I can function. It's a toss up.
I hate whining but things are starting to back up in my heart and I'm having a tough time staying positive. M's dad OD'ed two nights ago, he was at his peak during the day, when I had Monty there and I think Monty witnessed the whole scenario. I'm not sure how to approach him about that.
Money - I'm not sure if M is going to move in with me and if he is, I'm hoping he's planning on helping me with the startup costs for getting an apartment because if I keep waiting I'm going to be waiting forever.
We were going to tell his mom this weekend but that went down the drain because of his uptight grandma coming to town. We figure if we want to make an enemy for life and kill his mother and grandmother at the same time, than with her around this would be perfect. Anyway, needless to say we decided to wait until grandma left, which god knows when that is. Depends on when M's dad gets to feeling better. I need clothes, I'm very quickly outgrowing my clothes (duh, I guess I would huh???) and I'm afraid to spend money on the clothes just because of the chance of loss still being there.. I'm not sure what to do there.
I've also decided that I'm going to tell Monty about Matthew. I'm going to talk it over with his dad first of course but I think our trip out to KY to see T and J and Matthew would be a good time to tell him. That way he can spend some time with his brother. I'm not sure how it's going to go, but hopefully well. I hope he isn't sad about leaving his brother behind. I don't think so because he is SUCH a smart and grown up boy, but there's that chance that I could do more harm than good.
Anyway lunch is going by fast today. And I'm sure this post is quite long enough
it is most certainly way too early to start shopping, heck we haven't even told mom yet. However.. I almost can't hlep myself. I'm so excited. So, there's this cool website called Double Blessings and I have been surfing around there. I figured I'd list the stuff here since I can't bookmark this stuff on their computer (duh.. lol) http://www.doubleblessings.com/Detail.bok?no=278
Well I read your adoption diary and it was wonderful . You have so much courage , more then ten people together...
I read your new journal- Congratulations!!! I hope you get a pink little girly so cute and sweet ( I know every baby is precious) but I also had girl envy afer I had three sons in a row. You sort of start thinking:"I will never get to put a pretty dress on my baby...etc) I hope your babies are safe.
I really truly believe you should contact some publishers to print a book about Matthew. Maybe you and Teresa should do it together and then both of you wouldn't have money problems. I am serious! You obviously have writing talent( I couldn't get away from my computer - my kids had to pull me away!!!) your story is sooo interesting and all night long I couldn't believe I got to read it!! Book form would be more convienient ( then internet) because you can take it with you. I know you are reaching out to moms like you but you can still keep journaling and make some money. I am sorry if I sound crass I don't mean to but I believe you are a writer. Please consider!
Asha you're adorable, thank you. I know the girl envy thing for sure. I appreciate your comments, and I would dearly love to be a writer, and some day if it's practical I'll get a chance.
Boy I sure needed those kind words today. Yesterday was a family picnic with M's family, and there were so many kids there and I got the urge to tell mom. I told M when he got there that maybe last night was the night to tell her. We finally decided against it, we were all tired and hungry when we got home (ironically) and she just seemed to be in too good of a mood and I hated to ruin it, it's been so long since I saw her that happy. So, M was not happy I changed my mind but he rolled with it. So he said tonight is the night. One of his biggest problems I guess, which he never mentioned (This is one of our biggest issues, is his lack of communication) was that I'm still married. I guess that may come up as yet another issue. We have so many things going against us with this relationship and this pregnancy that sometimes I wonder if I'm making a mistake. I couldn't change my mind I don't think, I've got it in my heart that I want these two little ones so badly that it is almost painful. I can't say though, that I'm afraid. Terriffied. I'm trying to leave it in God's hands, but to be perfectly honest that whole thing is totally new to me and sometimes it's very hard.
That aside, I feel *great* these days. Nausea is minimal and mostly happens if I let myself get too hungry. I'm still tired but not exhausted like I was. My skin has calmed down quite a bit, and the hair loss seems to have evened out somewhat. I contribute most of it to being able to keep down my vitamins these days. Heck I even had a waiter hit on me at the restaurant while I was out with M the other day. When I went to work on friday M kept telling me how pretty I looked. It's nice to have those good days. I'm very quickly outgrowing my clothes though, I'm miserable in my clothes and when I'm at work I sit down and unzip my pants. I have a midwife appointment this thursday that I need to call and reschedule for the next thursday when I can get the day off.
I'm online constantly right now, trying to get my yahoo to work so I can stay alert for updates on T. I'm worried about her. I remember what that was like when mine went. I had a blockage to my liver and the needed emergency removal, and after the surgery was pure hell. I wish I could be there right now with her so I could make her better. After a few weeks she'll feel like a new woman though and maybe be willing to start eating some of those "naughty" foods again.
T when you read this I love you, you scared the hell out of me and if you ever do that again I will come there and kill you. Get better
Ysterday was an amazing day. Circumstances had prevented us from telling his mom when we planned, things are a bit crazy here right now. Well yesterday we're at the hospital with his mom and we get this urge to tell her again. We get it all ready and then the nurse tells us it's time to leave. Great.
We decide to just tell her on the way to the car that we need to talk to her and to set up a time so we can't back out of it. Well that wasn't good enough. She wanted to know what it was we wanted to talk about. We start chickening out of course, and she says "What, you getting married? you pregnant? What? Spill it" so we finally get to a point.. I say "What's the worst thing you could think to happen to you right now .. that's probably it."
"I already said it, you're pregnant." so there. It was out. The rest of the evening is a blur, I wish I'd recorded it but she was amazingly cool during the converseation. Even when we told her twins. "Are you serious? Really?" Then came the favorite moment for M and I. She got this amazing twinkle in her eye, and for a moment was ecstatic. "I'm going to be a grandma!" she said. Small tears and a moment of bliss then came the talk.
She asked why we weren't getting married. Well honestly we have no excuse, we just don't want to yet. We love each other we're commited to each other but marriage? Not quite yet. I told her my main reason was that I didn't want to get married just because we have kids coming, I want to get married because we love each other.
We couldn't talk as long as we wanted, but there were a lot of hugs, a lot of tears but mostly good and a TON of relief. Though, she did tell me that the fact that I'm still married to my ex bothers her a lot, which I had no idea. Nobody tells me these things! We talked a bit about me getting a divorce and I've pushed it with him a few times but he keeps passing it off to talk later. I mentioned that and she told me to take ownership of it. I guess I need to. So we're hugging goodbye and she tells me she loves me, and I thanked her for being good about it and she says with a total straight face and tone "Get divorced." Just like that. Too funny.
So anyway it's out. M and I went home and celebrated sort of. She's still at the hospital with dad but we'll see how it goes when she comes back and has had some rest and thinking time. Hopefully she stays like this and we can have her involved in every aspect.
I tell you, it's a relief to be out. Now it's time to celebrate these babies
I bought clothes. I couldn't help it. I bought maternity clothes and baby clothes. I don't even know what we're having (other than babies..) so I bought yellow and white. I got two of everything, onesies, kimonos and pantsuits. Pretty gender neutral stuff. I'm so excited to be buying clothes I couldn't help it. I showed M's mom the clothes and we both got excited. When I was showing her, her sister came in so we told her. Pretty much the whole family knows now.
I can't wait until the big ultrasound where we see what we're having (girls)
My next appointment is next thursday, not sure if I'll get an ultrasound then
Man I'm just terrible with journals sometiems. Working and being pregnant is killing me. I'm just not very good at trying to keep up witht he journal, my son and my job all at once. I wish I was.
I have so many ups and downs right now. I'm having a lot of fears and I'm sure they're normal but for me I feel like I'm over reacting. I'm always worried that something is wrong. I havent felt much movement in the last few days (though that could be because I can't feel it over all the GAS I've had) and sometimes I just feel like when I go to my appointmen tomorrow they're going to have bad news for me.
Tomorrow is my second appointment. I get to meet my new OB for the first time. I'm a bit nervous just because I have an OB now instead of a midwife. I was so thrilled with my midwife I'm not wanting to change. But, my midwife says she's great so I'm inclined to believe her. We'll see. I'm hoping for an ultrasound tomorrow, hopefully I'll have something to show off. I'm not quite yet doing belly pictures, though there's certainly a belly to speak of. I cant believe how huge I am. Good thing I'm not hiding it any more because I couldn't possibly.
We're not sure whether I'm going to get a "new" car or we're going to get our apartment first. My car I'm driving currently is VERY bad for both myself and the environment. There are so many emissions coming from it, and half of it comes into the car itself. I feel like I'm doing my babies a disservice by riding in this thing. Its important to have a car but it's also important for us to get our own place and get independant and settled before the babies come. Plus, I dont want to be too far along to be able to help out either. Getting a place is so complicated right now though, because I have bad renters credit thanks to my evictions, so now I need to find a landlord who wont check my background. A lot of times those places can be rather unsavory and often more expensive. I dont even know how much we can afford right now.
Work is going well, I'm doing good so far at what I do. I could certainly be better, sales isn't what I'm best at, but I'm doing fine.
waiting for my appointment tomorrow. Woohoo. Here's hoping I get an ultrasound
My appointment was okay. I went in a bit early, about 45 minutes. I had mistaken the time somehow and left early, and realized when I got there that I was WAY too early, but we went in anyway. My appointment was at 1:45 and at 2:30 or so I finally was seen. She was very nice, but a bit scatterbrained I thought. She had me do a pap because I hadn't had one in over 6 months, did bloodwork and a breast exam. She also stuck a finger in my butt and said it helps to check behind the uterus for cysts and tumors??? Creepy.
Anyway. So we talked a lot. She wasn't very optimistic about my labor. I like her mostly but she seems to think that my labor is going to be a huge deal. Its a common thinking in Idaho appearantly. So we talked a lot and then tried to see the tech for an ultrasound but she wasn't in. I got a short one today just to make sure the babies hearts are beating fine. I saw my babies moving, one kept doing flips. It's the one on the right that I kept feeling all this time and of course just like I thought the other one wasn't all that active. I think in 2 weeks we'll have an opportunity to see what we're having maybe. I hope. Monty was there for it, and he said to M's mom "I think my mommy is having a baby. And I think its a boy and a girl" Which was really cute. So, we figured it was a good time as any to tell him. So, now Monty knows. There's nobody left who doesn't know. BP was good, we'll see how the blood comes back. I passed on the quad screen. So, things look good mostly. It was hilarious when she was taking my blood, I was talking about my veins and how since they're so close to the surface they can be hard to get blood from sometimes, though since I'm a bleeder by nature (I have a clotting disorder) it shouldn't be too hard. So she pokes me with the vacu-tainer and I squirted a bit. She says "OH! I haven't had that in a while!" and then a few minutes later when she's changing tubes to fill up another, I squirted again though this was a BIG one.. we all about died laughing at this poor lady who says "Well it's just not that funny to me!" (She was in good spirits about it though, I think it just scared her) and she says "Well you're certainly different. I have never seen it like that in all the years I've been doing this".
Babies were active, one was sucking their thumb and the other seemed to be holding their ears. It was sweet, and I'm glad M's mom got to be there. She bought us a couple outfits, a pink one and a blue one. They're adorable.
I was hoping to post my u/s pictures for posterity but I'm taking horrible pictures of them this time (Though they're not that clear anyway) so I'll have to post the next ones.
I started an expectnet game, I wasn't expecting to have to do the whole thing, I wanted to get some gender predictions..hopefully in 6 weeks or less we find out what we're having. (I'm hoping in two weeks)
Game name: NadineG http://www.ExpectNet.com