It was a long, long and horrible night. Wednesday I'd been complaining about pressure when I stand, I was still doing my usual, shopping and being out and about, going to work, cleaning house. Thursday after my day off, I called the doc and told her what I was feeling, it didn't seem right. More like the pains I usually had when my babies were closer to 38 weeks, like they're going to fall out, pelvic pain, cervical pain.. but not a single contraction which left me feeling otherwise okay. She told me to stay put on the couch and don't do anything at all.
I did that as much as I could on thursday, I was up probably more than I should have been, but I was completely alone in the house with my son.
I decided to go to work saturday, I can't afford to not be working. Most of the day I was uncomfortable and by the end of the day I felt constantly uncomfortable, like my pants were too tight. 2 hours left in the day I told my boss I was going to L & D.
I was in triage, doing the usual, monitor me, drink water.. no contractions so I was expecting to get sent home. My dr called in an ultrasound tech to measure my cervix and check fluid levels. Waiting for results, even the nurse was sure I was going home. She came back with the bad news. "Looks like you're going to be our guest a while, so you'll get to see plenty of us. We're keeping you. Your cervix is 50% effaced."
I also had a low grade temp that was concerning them but they didn't bring that up till later.
They put me in the trendelenburg(sp?) position (You know, feet up in the air head down) and hooked me up to an IV eventually, after about 5 holes in my arm, and I was admitted. First there was talk of a long hospital stay, like right up until I delivered my babies.
Next they talked to me about infection. My fever had them worried, and my white count wasn't easily explained by my slight bladder infection. They worried that one or both babies and an infection in the fluid. If that was the case, there was nothing we could do and we'd just deliver them now so I didn't get sick. No chance to save them.
So, the drop that on me and then tell me I need an amnio. Luckily our perinatologist is #5 in the country and I guess semi famous in the medical world. She did my amnio, two sticks, one for each sac. That hurt like crazy, and on top of that I'm an emotional wreck because I think I'm losing my babies and it's just me, nurse, peri and tech in the room, nobody else. Nobody there just for me. Then they break it to me that I can't get results until morning, so just "get some sleep".
Right. Easy enough for dad to do however, as he passed out and was snoring next to me in a matter of hours. I was still head down, trying to fight a nasty case of heartburn after trying to eat in that position, and that lovely feeling of having a catheter in.
So I waited.
God I hated that 12 hours .. I had the worst thoughts, the most horrible anxiety. I refused the sleeping pill because I wanted to be alert in the morning for my results. I was really expecting the worst, that I was going to lose my babies and have to explain to my 4 year old why he won't get to have the brother and sister he's been waiting for. How will he understand and not just be completely devastated? He's already been talking to them, and talks about them all the time. How am I going to handle losing two at once? Would I try to have a service for them? Would I hold them? See them? What would it be like when they were born? Would they breathe at all? Be alive for a few minutes for me to see their eyes?
So, while he slept, I stayed awake and tortured myself. I don't know if I've stopped crying for 24 hours.
Morning rolled around and just as my food came so did my dr (how do they time that every time I want to eat?) however she came bearing good news. The fluid was clean. No infection so our babies are okay. So now, I'm on strict bedrest and total vaginal rest. I'm supposed to be laying down on the couch right now, but I needed to journal. I also need to eat some food and give my kid a bath. His dad sent him to me dirty, and is expecting me to take him to school tomorrow. My boyfriend is fast asleep, leaving me to fend for myself and my kid is bored. As much as I'm thrilled that my babies are okay, now what?
I can't work, no job. We don't even have a house of our own yet, and STILL have a deadline to get out of his mom's house before she gets in trouble. His paychecks are tiny, how am I going to parent my 4 year old? Why the hell won't my boyfriend understand? I realize he's gone through hell to, but honestly right now I need support, not him sleeping on the floor and telling me how upset HE is, and how scared HE is, and what a rough night HE has had. I asked him to get food for me, I didn't care what, I would have preferred to not eat processed frozen pizzas (for the millionth time) or hamburgers, but jack in the box has salads. This was when he whined that he had no money and then went to sleep.
If this is how it's going to be, I don't see being able to be at home on bedrest for long.
I have no clue how this is going to work, we both relied on ME working and having a good job and my paychecks. He refuses to help, he's a procrastinator, he's lazy and he has a crappy job
I'm trying to not be bitter but when I'm needing him and he's worrying about himself I've had enough.
I need a place for me and my children to live, I need to work, not be stuck on bedrest.
Seriously though, now that I'm done ranting, I wanted to say thank you to everyone for the thoughts and prayers that flooded me. I know they work.
Now, to bathe my boy and lay down
Nadine~ I hope you don't mind my posting here, I just wanted you to be sure to know what a brave, and wonderful woman I think you are. I am SOOOOOOO very glad you and the babies are okay. I am so sorry for the ordeal you had to go through and the decisions you are currently faced with, as well as the difficulties, topped off now with total bedrest. I wish I was there to help you, I swear I WOULD!! I know what it is like to be the one everybody counts on. I have placenta previa and am on pelvic rest, not complete, but we'll find out Thursday, the placement of the placenta. During this short time, it seems as most everything has gone to hell in a handbasket. I know it is so frustrating to feel at the mercy of everyone, when you are typically the "go-getter". It sucks, man..... Anyway, just know that I, for one, think you are awesome, and that these precious babies are the luckiest kids in the world to have you!! I will think about you often, and keep you in my heartfelt prayers daily!!
Hugs and much love,
Nadine honey I am in tears reading your post. All my thoughts and prayers are with you right now and those two little babies. Have you tried to find out about getting some kind of state help or anything, with you being a non-married mom and pregnant with twins I am sure you can get some kind of help. I know there are alot of churches that are willing to help here where I live. Sweetie I know its soooo hard but try not to worry so much. PLEASE take care if yourself and get plenty of rest. If you need ANYTHING all of us Feb mommies are here for you. (((((((HUGS))))))) Tori
So, it's been a long week.. in and out of dr's office and L&D. They did a fetal fibronectin test which came out positive, but according to them, the test isn't very accurate so they sent me home.
My question is, why did they do it then? I mean if a woman is having preterm labor issues, wouldn't it be best to not dig around in that area with a speculum and a swab? Just my thoughts on the issue anyway.
I admit I'm a tid bit morose these days, bitter, angry, bored, depressed and lonely. I'm tired of spending the days mostly by myself more or less, and it seems, the nights as well. I'm pretty much fend for myself right now, even though I'm on strict bedrest and not allowed to do anything, I find myself up and doing things. My bf is completely useless and just when I think there's hope.. i.e yesterday he set me up and took care of me, he flakes out like today where he tells me that he's going out and when I complained he told me to quit picking a fight because he's had a "stressful day"
I think I'm starting to have flashbacks.. living with his mom and spending more of my time alone than with anyone and it's making me despise him. Very much so, actually. I'm getting to where I'm welcoming the idea of hospital bedrest. At least there, I'd have support and help, and wouldn't be up making my food or whatever the other 4 million other things I need to do is, and I'd be away from him most of the time as well. That's what I want the most. I hate saying that bringing two children into this world with someone I can't stand.. I feel so bad. Hopefully things pick up.
*sigh* I feel like such a complainer..
So today was appointment number two with a counsellor from LDS family services. I thought going to them would be helpful and I'm sure it will be in the future but at this moment it's not. This was the first appointment with us together, and we did discuss a few things, how M can deal with monty while still leaving the parenting up to me (He tends to try to parent him, and I am not ready for that, M isn't ready for that and neither is monty)
We also discussed our financial situation, and we told him how serious we were about these babies. We want these children, both of us. He did however bring it to our attention that this isn't exactly a favorable environment. I'm aware of this, of course. I'm not sure if I could even consider adopting these two out now even though I know in my heart it must be the best thing. I have no home, no money, no job.. and I'm in an unstable relationship with a man I'm not so sure I like.
The problem is, I've become so attatched to these two little people that I don't think I could do it. Monty is so attatched to them already, I don't know if I could take them away from him. I realize I'm being selfish right now but with Matthew it was different, I knew early on that I wasn't keeping him and didn't form a parental bond with him. These two I already have. I would be heartbroken to let them go. I don't think I can do it. I guess I have some thinking to do, I have to consider monty, myself, M and the babies.. and our situation. I know deep down I *can't* bring these babies into this living situatin right now, and if I'm still living here I don't see me being able to keep them. It wouldn't be fair. I see what I'm giving monty right now (which honestly is nothing except for myself which right now isn't exactly quality time with me. I'm irritable, cranky and frustrated and stuck on the couch) and I see what Matthew gets, how he has such a fantastic life, he's the center of his parents attention and has his own room, and the light of everyone's life .. and I can see that he's not going to want for anything, let alone a home. How can I, in good conscience bring children into an environment less than that, especially one without a home. With nothing but uncertainty ahead of all of us? Right now, I don't feel fit to parent the child I currently have, and I don't in any way shape or form feel fit to parent two more.
Anyway, last night was nice. M (mostly) cooked me thanksgiving dinner to celebrate and I was able to talk to monty a little bit about thanksgiving and canada.
I'm still bedresting as much as I can. Less so when M's mom isn't around because M himself isn't *terribly* helpful. He ends up going to bed at odd hours, doesn't ask if I want anything just kind of goes.. leaving me to fend for myself *and* my son to make some food. Ex is being less than reliable these days as well, for the third day in a row now, has totally flaked out of coming to get our son like he said. He keeps asking me if I can bring him to him when I've told him I can't do *anything*. I'm fighting to try to raise my child and stay in bed at the same time, and as much as I'd miss my boy it would make things much less stressful on me, and make me more able to actually rest if I didn't have him around 24/7. I'm frustrated with my lack of help, I'm frustrated with my inability. I suppose I'm just frustrated in general...