Pregnant After Adoption

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Joined: 03/16/15
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Pregnant After Adoption

I wasn't expecting this one either, honestly. We'd done everything we thought could be done, using the Nuvaring for our method of birth control, as well as strategically placed condom use, you know, just in case. Appearantly the "strategy" was off, and the nuvaring failed me, because here I am, with 6 weeks worth of baby inside of me right now, a very surprised (but happy) boyfriend and the constant thought in my head "oh lord, we're screwed".
I can't say much is different about this situation that was different from the last except that my partner is supportive, active and thrilled. We love each other, which is a lot I think. I do have a great job, starting on the 10th of July which is a start and I should be getting my own place soon as well. Currently I'm living off the kindness of others (read:living with the boyfriend's family until mom finds out then living in a shelter) but I'll get there I think. I know I can get back to where I was. This time, I have someone else to think about.
I have to admit my first thought when I suspected I might be pregnant was "ooh, I wonder if he'd be willing to let me give this one up too." Whenever anyone asks me about my experience with adoption it is nothing but positive answers. Every moment was amazing. I won't say I didn't have a few moments where I felt like a piece of me was miles away, but I can't tell you if that's because of Teresa being gone from me, or Matthew. I miss them both equally. Once I brought it up with M (the boyfriend) he gave me an unequivocal no on the adoption. That was when I was concerned about bringing it up to T. I wondered if she was going to get hopeful that my being pregnant again would mean another baby, then be hurt when I told her I was keeping it. Obviously as much as I thought I knew the woman I don't. She was ecstatic for me and is hoping right along with me for a girl.
I'm very unsure as to the kind of emotional rollercoaster I'm about to embark on, I have moments where I'm terriffied and where I'm excited. Right now I'm scared of losing this one, we've had some spotting and cramps. I'm sure it will work out accordingly, it always does.

As for my adoption, I've journalled that as well. The link to mine is http://www.pregnancy.org/phpBB2/viewforum.php?f=595and my personal favorite is T's
http://www.pregnancy.org/phpBB2/viewforum.php?f=596with one or two pictures of the Matthew

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I'd had a small nervous breakdown this morning around 7am. I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep and felt like crying my eyes out all morning. My mind was racing and I was feeling like I was going crazy. I woke up M and asked him to talk to me until I felt like I could sleep, took almost 2 hours, but I went and watched TV and went to sleep. My mom called this morning to tell me that my grandfather had passed finally, I'd gotten a call last sunday saying he'd been taken to the hospital and wasn't expected to live more than a couple days. We were very close, I was his first grandchild and spent a lot of time with him as a child. He was the first person I told when I found out I was pregnant at 18, despite my fear that he'd be disappointed in me. He wasn't, he was concerned. He'd call me weekly to check on me (he lived in another town about 6 hours away) and would visit every couple months. I had a book collection of which he'd refresh every time he'd come down. They were scottish comic books. I'm devastated. I know I'd been expecting it, he's been sick for a couple years now but I'm devastated. I know he's in a better place and while I'm happy for him, I'm sad for me. He never got to meet Monty and for that I'm especially sad. Monty deserved to have grandad's influence in his life. I miss him already.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Off to my first midwife appointment today. Hopefully I'll be able to post what happened tonight but it may be tomorrow depending on where I'm staying tonight. I'm a bit nervous about the appointment, I'm not sure why. The first one is always a bit nerve wracking for me. I guess part of me still thinks they're going to tell me I'm not pregnant or something. I'm also still rather heavy from my last baby and I guess I don't want a lecture about weight gain and what not.
Pretty sure none of that will happen but still...

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

My appointment was great. I'd almost forgotten how much I loved my midwife. She had a nursing student in with her, though she did mention a few times that I was not the "normal" pre visit, especially considering I just had Matthew 10 months ago.
The nurses asked how Matthew was doing, and how I was and of course the answers are always the same. I'm great (though shocked) and he's spoiled and happy as always.
Our first visit is always just a chat in her office, we discuss family history, my history, etc. etc. and since I was just there not long ago it was very quick. "everything still the same? do you know much about the father's history?" and off for a brief ultrasound after neither of us could figure out how far along I was. It didn't help, we still don't know exactly how far along I am but she did say that the sac looked good. I felt somewhat relieved, though I can't wait to see a heartbeat. I'm taking M with me for the next appointment in 2 weeks. I get another ultrasound.
I definitely am re-living all of the emotions I felt when I first found out I was pregnant with Matthew. I remember being excited at first, and then terriffied. I think around this time with Matthew actually I was still in denial. I remember wishing the pregnancy would just go away. I'm so glad it went the way it did though. I think this time I'm going to re-live every emotion I had as I get to that point again. I don't know if any pregnancy will ever be the same for me now because of my experience. I do know for a fact that the delivery is going to be dramatically different. Actually I'm excited about that. About breastfeeding and them placing my new little pink baby right in my arms.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I'm seriously going to be so hugely fat! I just ate 4 krispy kreme donuts because I saw them on TV. I can't go on like this. I was in the car eating them on the way back and I said I was feeling nautious again, while I was still eating. M's friend asks me "how the hell can you be nautious and still eating?" One of the wonders of being pregnant, I guess. M told him "dude, she's always ill.. I think she's just used to it."
It hasn't been as bad this time as it was with Monty, but it's definitely worse than it was with Matthew. I just hope for sure it's a girl. I know it's selfish to wish so heartily for a girl, but I want one so much. I'll obviously be ecstatic with whatever, I am already, but there's a pink vibe coming from me repeatedly. Constantly, actually. Likely from M too, I know he wants a girl as much as I do. I have little pink booties hanging from my rear view mirror in my car.
Right now, though my main focus is just having this baby stick. There was no heart beat when I got my u/s done and while it's possible that it was just hard to see or it was too early I'm concerned. I'm not sure I can handle a loss, despite this not being the best time in the world. I'm not sure M can handle the loss either. I've just become so excited that I think a loss right now might devastate me.
Sooooooo... that's number one to me right now.
Come on kiddo. Hang in there for mom and show me some good stuff in two weeks.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

ha ha, dad's turn for the freak out. I think the reality has finally hit him and he's where I was a couple weeks ago. It's scary becoming a parent, especially for the first time. I need to remember that he's young, and inexperienced and to cut him some slack when he panics. I guess I'm just scared of getting left alone on this one too. Especially after I geared myself up so much to keep this one.
I'm sick. I wasn't sick like this with Matthew, but I was worse with Monty, so I guess I should be thankful.I discovered the wonders of kool aid pink lemonade today. Ice cold, it's making my stomach feel better.
I'm thinking back to where I was at this stage when I was pregnant with Matthew, and I think I was either in denial still, or was thinking I might be able to keep him. I think I'm major bloated, I feel like such a fatty today. Worse than normal. I'm seeing some very pretty bellies on my birth board and I'm ashamed to show mine. It's not pretty. Still, I'd love to. I want to keep track this time. I want picture of my belly, and I want to tape the birth. I'm already thinking about maternity clothes, and buying baby gear despite how soon it is and that I could still lose this one. I guess two good pregnancies one after the other tends to get your positivity up. I'll keep hoping

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I'm so scared. Yesterday my friend, the one who kicked me out, needed me to get all my stuff out of her garage. I'm not sure what happened, I didn't do a whole lot but I lifted some things.. now I'm spotting and I don't feel my symptoms like I did. I'm scared that this one isn't going to make it.
Prayers or thoughts would be appreciated right now

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I guess that pasta helps soothe my nausea, I've become a carbaholic! Today though I didn't have any carbs at all and I found the nausea slowly creeping back. Nothing major, in fact I haven't felt like I was going to throw up all day. So, I get myself a bean burrito and double decker taco (yes, T the taco bell cravings... AGAIN) and wash it down with a big old water. I'm sitting on Monty's dad's bed waking him up and I feel a tickle in my throat. Oh, I'll just cough.
HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURL all over the bed, it was NOT a pretty site. Spontanious Hyperemesis... NOT somethign I'm used to. I've never had the spontanious thing before. Usually I can run to the bathroom.
Guess things are okay. I could end up on bedrest, however at least things are still looking good. Hopefully.
My ultrasound is wednesday at 11:30. Hoping for good news

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Oh lord. Twins. Wow.
I'm not sure I'm sufficiently out of shellshock to be posting a journal entry, but I must. It's been forever.
The appointment was pretty run of the mill except the ultrasound. I peed in a cup, I lost 6 lbs in a week and a half due to my vomiting. I'm miserable most of the time but I have my good days, which is enough to keep me going.
My BP was ok, midwife was concerned about my lack of fluids, but promised she wouldn't hospitalize me if I could do something.
So, the ultrasound.
She had to do a TV ultrasound, my uterus is tilted making abdominals very hard in the beginning. I remember she put the wand in and I *thought* I saw two sacs.. however I passed it off. I mean, what are the chances. So, I'm laying there and she says "Well... there's two of them!"
After that is really kinda a blur. I cried a lot. I'm sure that M is still in shellshock as well.
I'm both super amazingly excited and terriffied. What a major life change. Whew. And just like that I'll have 4 children

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I have been SO ill, and working. I haven't been able to journal in a while. A lot has happened since my last entry, I had a small crisis of faith, and found myself doubting a lot of things, particularly myself. Which is dangerous.
I'm not so sure it's exactly hit me that I'm having two babies. I'm not so sure it's going to until they're here. Of course it's still early. I already feel like I've been pregnant forever, and it hasn't even been 9 weeks yet. I think once the illness passes I'll be much better.
Between the vomiting and the headaches (which I think is from the dehydration) I found myself in the hospital yesterday getting fluids and pain meds and anti nausea meds. I'm still out of it and sleepy today. I hate the way drugs make my body feel and I'm not sure I'm ever going to feel normal again. Though I better by tomorrow, work again.
Today is my first day with Monty since tuesday. I can't believe he's been gone away from me that long. Monday night I'd gotten my car reposessed from me, so I had to go out to my ex's for the night so I could get a ride to work the next day. That night I went to my ex mother in law's to spend the night and hopefully come out with another car. The one I got isn't pretty by any standard, and it's loud and falling apart. There's an exhaust leak somewhere that I'm sure contributes to my headaches, but it gets me to work and that is my main priority right now. Working, so I can get that almighty paycheck, so I can get a place of my own and a reliable car under me, and start getting ready to have my babies.
The new job is good, I'm not in the actual job yet, just training which makes a big difference but right now it's a cush job for the paycheck.
I'm so totally excited about getting to go and see Matthew! I know that while T is wanting time to stop, I'm wanting it to hurry up so I can go and see them all. I wish it could be more than once a year but right now I'll take what I can get.
Being at my bf's house with him not here is very weird and uncomfortable for me right now. I know his family is cool and all but it's so hard not feeling like anything here is yours, and you're afraid to eat their food or use the shower or make a mess. I want to clean up as much as possible, but right now with me being drugged out, sick and headachey it's not happening. I wish I could tell them all why I'm so sick. I wish M would face up to it, so I can stop hiding it. It's getting more and more difficult to hide these days, especially when I need to start getting out the maternity clothes.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I actually thought being at work would make the days go by faster, giving me something to do. I guess it makes the weeks go by, but the days... oh lord. I'm literally falling asleep at work. I think it has something to do with the fact that I don't have any sleep.
The last few days have been worse than normal at M's house. I should be grateful that I even have a roof over my head while I'm sleeping but I tell you it's hard. The people in that house are nocturnal, and so come 10pm they're all awake and alert and roaming around, turning on lights, talking, watching movies. Meanwhile there's me trying to sleep on the couch. I can't hardly stand it and I'm SOOOO tired. I'm tempted to use some of my paycheck to get me a hotel room for a night or two and get me some good sleep. I can't necessarily afford it, I have so much that I need to buy and get an apartment and a better car and... well, a lot. I think sleep is so totally important to me though so I can function. It's a toss up.
I hate whining but things are starting to back up in my heart and I'm having a tough time staying positive. M's dad OD'ed two nights ago, he was at his peak during the day, when I had Monty there and I think Monty witnessed the whole scenario. I'm not sure how to approach him about that.
Money - I'm not sure if M is going to move in with me and if he is, I'm hoping he's planning on helping me with the startup costs for getting an apartment because if I keep waiting I'm going to be waiting forever.
We were going to tell his mom this weekend but that went down the drain because of his uptight grandma coming to town. We figure if we want to make an enemy for life and kill his mother and grandmother at the same time, than with her around this would be perfect. Anyway, needless to say we decided to wait until grandma left, which god knows when that is. Depends on when M's dad gets to feeling better. I need clothes, I'm very quickly outgrowing my clothes (duh, I guess I would huh???) and I'm afraid to spend money on the clothes just because of the chance of loss still being there.. I'm not sure what to do there.
I've also decided that I'm going to tell Monty about Matthew. I'm going to talk it over with his dad first of course but I think our trip out to KY to see T and J and Matthew would be a good time to tell him. That way he can spend some time with his brother. I'm not sure how it's going to go, but hopefully well. I hope he isn't sad about leaving his brother behind. I don't think so because he is SUCH a smart and grown up boy, but there's that chance that I could do more harm than good.
Anyway lunch is going by fast today. And I'm sure this post is quite long enough

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

it is most certainly way too early to start shopping, heck we haven't even told mom yet. However.. I almost can't hlep myself. I'm so excited. So, there's this cool website called Double Blessings and I have been surfing around there. I figured I'd list the stuff here since I can't bookmark this stuff on their computer (duh.. lol)
http://www.doubleblessings.com/Detail.bok?no=278

http://www.doubleblessings.com/Detail.bok?no=250

http://www.doubleblessings.com/Detail.bok?no=229

http://www.doubleblessings.com/Detail.bok?no=42 hahahahaha should buy that and give it to his mom instead of telling her

I can't stop myself, I'm looking when I'm at wal mart and target, and I'm looking through ads and baby magazines.. I'm officially obsessed! And I'm not even 10 weeks yet

ashamom27's picture
Joined: 07/06/06
Posts: 1010
I read your adoption diary

Well I read your adoption diary and it was wonderful . You have so much courage , more then ten people together...
I read your new journal- Congratulations!!! I hope you get a pink little girly so cute and sweet ( I know every baby is precious) but I also had girl envy afer I had three sons in a row. You sort of start thinking:"I will never get to put a pretty dress on my baby...etc) I hope your babies are safe.
I really truly believe you should contact some publishers to print a book about Matthew. Maybe you and Teresa should do it together and then both of you wouldn't have money problems. I am serious! You obviously have writing talent( I couldn't get away from my computer - my kids had to pull me away!!!) your story is sooo interesting and all night long I couldn't believe I got to read it!! Book form would be more convienient ( then internet) because you can take it with you. I know you are reaching out to moms like you but you can still keep journaling and make some money. I am sorry if I sound crass I don't mean to but I believe you are a writer. Please consider!
Love, Asha

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Asha you're adorable, thank you. I know the girl envy thing for sure. I appreciate your comments, and I would dearly love to be a writer, and some day if it's practical I'll get a chance.
Boy I sure needed those kind words today. Yesterday was a family picnic with M's family, and there were so many kids there and I got the urge to tell mom. I told M when he got there that maybe last night was the night to tell her. We finally decided against it, we were all tired and hungry when we got home (ironically) and she just seemed to be in too good of a mood and I hated to ruin it, it's been so long since I saw her that happy. So, M was not happy I changed my mind but he rolled with it. So he said tonight is the night. One of his biggest problems I guess, which he never mentioned (This is one of our biggest issues, is his lack of communication) was that I'm still married. I guess that may come up as yet another issue. We have so many things going against us with this relationship and this pregnancy that sometimes I wonder if I'm making a mistake. I couldn't change my mind I don't think, I've got it in my heart that I want these two little ones so badly that it is almost painful. I can't say though, that I'm afraid. Terriffied. I'm trying to leave it in God's hands, but to be perfectly honest that whole thing is totally new to me and sometimes it's very hard.
That aside, I feel *great* these days. Nausea is minimal and mostly happens if I let myself get too hungry. I'm still tired but not exhausted like I was. My skin has calmed down quite a bit, and the hair loss seems to have evened out somewhat. I contribute most of it to being able to keep down my vitamins these days. Heck I even had a waiter hit on me at the restaurant while I was out with M the other day. When I went to work on friday M kept telling me how pretty I looked. It's nice to have those good days. I'm very quickly outgrowing my clothes though, I'm miserable in my clothes and when I'm at work I sit down and unzip my pants. I have a midwife appointment this thursday that I need to call and reschedule for the next thursday when I can get the day off.
I'm online constantly right now, trying to get my yahoo to work so I can stay alert for updates on T. I'm worried about her. I remember what that was like when mine went. I had a blockage to my liver and the needed emergency removal, and after the surgery was pure hell. I wish I could be there right now with her so I could make her better. After a few weeks she'll feel like a new woman though and maybe be willing to start eating some of those "naughty" foods again.
T when you read this I love you, you scared the hell out of me and if you ever do that again I will come there and kill you. Get better

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Ysterday was an amazing day. Circumstances had prevented us from telling his mom when we planned, things are a bit crazy here right now. Well yesterday we're at the hospital with his mom and we get this urge to tell her again. We get it all ready and then the nurse tells us it's time to leave. Great.
We decide to just tell her on the way to the car that we need to talk to her and to set up a time so we can't back out of it. Well that wasn't good enough. She wanted to know what it was we wanted to talk about. We start chickening out of course, and she says "What, you getting married? you pregnant? What? Spill it" so we finally get to a point.. I say "What's the worst thing you could think to happen to you right now .. that's probably it."
"I already said it, you're pregnant." so there. It was out. The rest of the evening is a blur, I wish I'd recorded it but she was amazingly cool during the converseation. Even when we told her twins. "Are you serious? Really?" Then came the favorite moment for M and I. She got this amazing twinkle in her eye, and for a moment was ecstatic. "I'm going to be a grandma!" she said. Small tears and a moment of bliss then came the talk.
She asked why we weren't getting married. Well honestly we have no excuse, we just don't want to yet. We love each other we're commited to each other but marriage? Not quite yet. I told her my main reason was that I didn't want to get married just because we have kids coming, I want to get married because we love each other.
We couldn't talk as long as we wanted, but there were a lot of hugs, a lot of tears but mostly good and a TON of relief. Though, she did tell me that the fact that I'm still married to my ex bothers her a lot, which I had no idea. Nobody tells me these things! We talked a bit about me getting a divorce and I've pushed it with him a few times but he keeps passing it off to talk later. I mentioned that and she told me to take ownership of it. I guess I need to. So we're hugging goodbye and she tells me she loves me, and I thanked her for being good about it and she says with a total straight face and tone "Get divorced." Just like that. Too funny.
So anyway it's out. M and I went home and celebrated sort of. She's still at the hospital with dad but we'll see how it goes when she comes back and has had some rest and thinking time. Hopefully she stays like this and we can have her involved in every aspect.
I tell you, it's a relief to be out. Now it's time to celebrate these babies

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I bought clothes. I couldn't help it. I bought maternity clothes and baby clothes. I don't even know what we're having (other than babies..) so I bought yellow and white. I got two of everything, onesies, kimonos and pantsuits. Pretty gender neutral stuff. I'm so excited to be buying clothes I couldn't help it. I showed M's mom the clothes and we both got excited. When I was showing her, her sister came in so we told her. Pretty much the whole family knows now.
I can't wait until the big ultrasound where we see what we're having (girls)
I'm excited.
My next appointment is next thursday, not sure if I'll get an ultrasound then

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Man I'm just terrible with journals sometiems. Working and being pregnant is killing me. I'm just not very good at trying to keep up witht he journal, my son and my job all at once. I wish I was.
I have so many ups and downs right now. I'm having a lot of fears and I'm sure they're normal but for me I feel like I'm over reacting. I'm always worried that something is wrong. I havent felt much movement in the last few days (though that could be because I can't feel it over all the GAS I've had) and sometimes I just feel like when I go to my appointmen tomorrow they're going to have bad news for me.
Tomorrow is my second appointment. I get to meet my new OB for the first time. I'm a bit nervous just because I have an OB now instead of a midwife. I was so thrilled with my midwife I'm not wanting to change. But, my midwife says she's great so I'm inclined to believe her. We'll see. I'm hoping for an ultrasound tomorrow, hopefully I'll have something to show off. I'm not quite yet doing belly pictures, though there's certainly a belly to speak of. I cant believe how huge I am. Good thing I'm not hiding it any more because I couldn't possibly.
We're not sure whether I'm going to get a "new" car or we're going to get our apartment first. My car I'm driving currently is VERY bad for both myself and the environment. There are so many emissions coming from it, and half of it comes into the car itself. I feel like I'm doing my babies a disservice by riding in this thing. Its important to have a car but it's also important for us to get our own place and get independant and settled before the babies come. Plus, I dont want to be too far along to be able to help out either. Getting a place is so complicated right now though, because I have bad renters credit thanks to my evictions, so now I need to find a landlord who wont check my background. A lot of times those places can be rather unsavory and often more expensive. I dont even know how much we can afford right now.
Work is going well, I'm doing good so far at what I do. I could certainly be better, sales isn't what I'm best at, but I'm doing fine.
waiting for my appointment tomorrow. Woohoo. Here's hoping I get an ultrasound

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I seriously need to get looked at.. my typos lately are rediculous. I have the worst case of preggo brain I've ever had in my life

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

My appointment was okay. I went in a bit early, about 45 minutes. I had mistaken the time somehow and left early, and realized when I got there that I was WAY too early, but we went in anyway. My appointment was at 1:45 and at 2:30 or so I finally was seen. She was very nice, but a bit scatterbrained I thought. She had me do a pap because I hadn't had one in over 6 months, did bloodwork and a breast exam. She also stuck a finger in my butt :shock: and said it helps to check behind the uterus for cysts and tumors??? Creepy.
Anyway. So we talked a lot. She wasn't very optimistic about my labor. I like her mostly but she seems to think that my labor is going to be a huge deal. Its a common thinking in Idaho appearantly. So we talked a lot and then tried to see the tech for an ultrasound but she wasn't in. I got a short one today just to make sure the babies hearts are beating fine. I saw my babies moving, one kept doing flips. It's the one on the right that I kept feeling all this time and of course just like I thought the other one wasn't all that active. I think in 2 weeks we'll have an opportunity to see what we're having maybe. I hope. Monty was there for it, and he said to M's mom "I think my mommy is having a baby. And I think its a boy and a girl" Which was really cute. So, we figured it was a good time as any to tell him. So, now Monty knows. There's nobody left who doesn't know. BP was good, we'll see how the blood comes back. I passed on the quad screen. So, things look good mostly. It was hilarious when she was taking my blood, I was talking about my veins and how since they're so close to the surface they can be hard to get blood from sometimes, though since I'm a bleeder by nature (I have a clotting disorder) it shouldn't be too hard. So she pokes me with the vacu-tainer and I squirted a bit. She says "OH! I haven't had that in a while!" and then a few minutes later when she's changing tubes to fill up another, I squirted again though this was a BIG one.. we all about died laughing at this poor lady who says "Well it's just not that funny to me!" (She was in good spirits about it though, I think it just scared her) and she says "Well you're certainly different. I have never seen it like that in all the years I've been doing this".
Babies were active, one was sucking their thumb and the other seemed to be holding their ears. It was sweet, and I'm glad M's mom got to be there. She bought us a couple outfits, a pink one and a blue one. They're adorable.
I was hoping to post my u/s pictures for posterity but I'm taking horrible pictures of them this time (Though they're not that clear anyway) so I'll have to post the next ones.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I started an expectnet game, I wasn't expecting to have to do the whole thing, I wanted to get some gender predictions..hopefully in 6 weeks or less we find out what we're having. (I'm hoping in two weeks)
Game name: NadineG
http://www.ExpectNet.com

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I've not had the best couple days. My phone was turned off again (luckily I work for a phone company and can get a cell for cheap) and M and I have been less than fantastic with each other lately. Working saturday kinda sucked enough, but that day it seemed like everyone was grumpy. I made it through it however, and however you look at it either "God tempers bad days with enough good to keep you happy" or "With every good day comes 3 bad" however pessimistic I'm feeling that day.
M's mother and I were discussing a baby shower. Really couldn't be a better time for that, I feel it's about *darn* time I get to actually celebrate a baby coming into my life rather than freak out and fret. For once, everyone in my life is excited about the coming arrival(s) and I can celebrate. As much as I was happy for Teresa, watching her have a baby shower and shop for a baby and tell the world she's having a baby was also a bit sad for me. I realize this is selfish but I'm glad it's time for me to celebrate.
Anyway, I look forward to doing the registry and inviting friends (I honestly don't care if anyone brings anything but some diapers..) and just having a good time.
I think I had plans for a big long entry but I just got overwhelmed with being tired and so I'm off to bed

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

:bighug:

and a :leghump: for good measure.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Thanks love!! Man, I haven't been leg humped in forever.

I'm hormonal. I dislike my boyfriend quite a bit and actually don't even want him to touch me most of the time. Is this normal? I remember being smitten with dom when I was pregnant and this time around I could take him or leave him. I just flat dont like him. I know he senses it, and we've spoken of it briefly, but I dont know what to think about it myself and then I can't really talk to him about it. I wonder if it's just stress because of our living situation or what, but I can't shake the feeling.
The tiredness is SLOWLY abating, I'm still tired but not exhausted all the time like I was. Definitely time for a new car though, I'm starting to get consistent chest congestion/cough and sore throat after I drive. That can't be healthy can it?
My phone was shut off for a week or so, but I actually got myself a new one, and I'm the only one responsible for it. It's in my name, and I'm the one paying for it so I should have it for a while. I need to remember to give that number out to a few people so they can call me.
Gosh I can't believe my trip to Kentucky is so close!! And, my boss is going to work it so that I can come in early, leave early and make it in plenty of time to catch the plane. I have to work two hours that day because I don't have enough paid time off. He knows how important this is to me and is working with me on it. Gosh I just can't wait to be there! I want to hug T, I want to kiss those fat cheeks of matthew's and I want to just relax and have FUN. Plus, maybe the time away will help me with the boyfriend situation.
Anyway, enough bitching. Things have been okay lately. I'm going to bed, early day tomorrow

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I had my u/s yesterday. When I went in she first told me that she wasn't going to do a gender check because it's too early and it's very hard to tell. I pouted but eventually got over it and just got into looking at my babies on the screen. They're just full on little babies right now and it was so cute to watch them. Already kicking each other and preferring to be cramped up because they get to be close to each other.
So she's getting some good shots of the heads and body and she says "ok look, if I tell you what you're having you can't tell anyone I told you this early, and don't be upset if I'm wrong." Well I couldn't possibly argue with that now could I? So okay.
There's baby B, she says. Baby B was our first anatomy shot. Nice and clear as day. I'm looking. Now, I've seen a LOT of boy ultrasounds in my day and I know exactly what baby boy parts look like. So she draws a circle around these two white lines and says "So, this one's a girl." omg are you serious? I'm getting my little girl!
Over to baby A who was a little tighter but not much, and there was that familiar shot I knew. "And, this one's a boy"
I couldn't believe it, I'm getting my boy and my girl. Exactly what I wanted. I don't cry often, (more when I'm pregnant obviously) but right now even, the feeling of it, I could cry. I can't wait to have pink frilly things, and cute little dresses, and hair accessories (please don't let her be bald!)
daddy and I are beyond thrilled. He's already got his complete family in one shot

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

:woohoo: OMG OMG!!!!!!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I was in a rush since it was before work but I didn't really elaborate on my appointment much. My ultrasound was mainly to check for both babies having their own placenta or if they were sharing one. She found only one but she thinks that they just fused, since they are obviously fraternal twins. So, they have their own which is good news but they're still fused which *could* lead to problems.
So far, both babies measure exactly 15 weeks 4 days, and are exactly the same size. Nice healthy hb's 160s and 140s and were moving well. Next one is the big one where we measure brains and the whole 9 so it's going to be yet another looong one. I'm really complaining that I'll be spending over an hour looking at my babies. Right.

No pictures to share yet, I'll see if T has a scanner and scan them next weekend so I can share. They're adorable!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

The weekend was great. I had a lot of fun being around Matthew and his family and watching everyone. It's obvious that he's very much adored.
While there we got lots of pictures, and I left much too soon. I would love to go back!
For now, I thought I'd post my first belly picture. I should have had on a tighter shirt, you can't see anything going on really but those eastern folks sure keep it cold in their houses.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I'm siiiiiiiiick!!!!!!!!!! Wahhhhhh.
I hate getting a cold when you're pregnant, you can't do anything about it!!
Gah. Sucks!

Dewey's picture
Joined: 12/29/01
Posts: 195

You look FANFREAKINGTASTIC Hun!!! :love10: I'm still just beyond ecstatic for you. Yahoo

:question: Is your cell phone # still the same?? If not still the same hook a girl up would ya...We can talk about swollen ankles and :puke: friendly foods. :biglaugh:

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

holy crap what happened. I look at my last belly pic and I took one the other day because one of my coworkers asked me if I had gotten more pregnant over the weekend. Well lo and behold

I think I did.

Chimmy's picture
Joined: 08/03/01
Posts: 2776

WOW - them there babies are growing fast! I love your belly hun! You look BEAUTIFUL!! ((HUGS))

Joined: 04/10/02
Posts: 26

B E A U T I F U L!

Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 567

:drool: and where are you??

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

For those who may have missed the thread on the ATB. Nadine is in the hospital. She and her babies could use some prayers.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

It was a long, long and horrible night. Wednesday I'd been complaining about pressure when I stand, I was still doing my usual, shopping and being out and about, going to work, cleaning house. Thursday after my day off, I called the doc and told her what I was feeling, it didn't seem right. More like the pains I usually had when my babies were closer to 38 weeks, like they're going to fall out, pelvic pain, cervical pain.. but not a single contraction which left me feeling otherwise okay. She told me to stay put on the couch and don't do anything at all.
I did that as much as I could on thursday, I was up probably more than I should have been, but I was completely alone in the house with my son.
I decided to go to work saturday, I can't afford to not be working. Most of the day I was uncomfortable and by the end of the day I felt constantly uncomfortable, like my pants were too tight. 2 hours left in the day I told my boss I was going to L & D.
I was in triage, doing the usual, monitor me, drink water.. no contractions so I was expecting to get sent home. My dr called in an ultrasound tech to measure my cervix and check fluid levels. Waiting for results, even the nurse was sure I was going home. She came back with the bad news. "Looks like you're going to be our guest a while, so you'll get to see plenty of us. We're keeping you. Your cervix is 50% effaced."
I also had a low grade temp that was concerning them but they didn't bring that up till later.
They put me in the trendelenburg(sp?) position (You know, feet up in the air head down) and hooked me up to an IV eventually, after about 5 holes in my arm, and I was admitted. First there was talk of a long hospital stay, like right up until I delivered my babies.
Next they talked to me about infection. My fever had them worried, and my white count wasn't easily explained by my slight bladder infection. They worried that one or both babies and an infection in the fluid. If that was the case, there was nothing we could do and we'd just deliver them now so I didn't get sick. No chance to save them.
So, the drop that on me and then tell me I need an amnio. Luckily our perinatologist is #5 in the country and I guess semi famous in the medical world. She did my amnio, two sticks, one for each sac. That hurt like crazy, and on top of that I'm an emotional wreck because I think I'm losing my babies and it's just me, nurse, peri and tech in the room, nobody else. Nobody there just for me. Then they break it to me that I can't get results until morning, so just "get some sleep".
Right. Easy enough for dad to do however, as he passed out and was snoring next to me in a matter of hours. I was still head down, trying to fight a nasty case of heartburn after trying to eat in that position, and that lovely feeling of having a catheter in.
So I waited.
God I hated that 12 hours .. I had the worst thoughts, the most horrible anxiety. I refused the sleeping pill because I wanted to be alert in the morning for my results. I was really expecting the worst, that I was going to lose my babies and have to explain to my 4 year old why he won't get to have the brother and sister he's been waiting for. How will he understand and not just be completely devastated? He's already been talking to them, and talks about them all the time. How am I going to handle losing two at once? Would I try to have a service for them? Would I hold them? See them? What would it be like when they were born? Would they breathe at all? Be alive for a few minutes for me to see their eyes?
So, while he slept, I stayed awake and tortured myself. I don't know if I've stopped crying for 24 hours.
Morning rolled around and just as my food came so did my dr (how do they time that every time I want to eat?) however she came bearing good news. The fluid was clean. No infection so our babies are okay. So now, I'm on strict bedrest and total vaginal rest. I'm supposed to be laying down on the couch right now, but I needed to journal. I also need to eat some food and give my kid a bath. His dad sent him to me dirty, and is expecting me to take him to school tomorrow. My boyfriend is fast asleep, leaving me to fend for myself and my kid is bored. As much as I'm thrilled that my babies are okay, now what?
I can't work, no job. We don't even have a house of our own yet, and STILL have a deadline to get out of his mom's house before she gets in trouble. His paychecks are tiny, how am I going to parent my 4 year old? Why the hell won't my boyfriend understand? I realize he's gone through hell to, but honestly right now I need support, not him sleeping on the floor and telling me how upset HE is, and how scared HE is, and what a rough night HE has had. I asked him to get food for me, I didn't care what, I would have preferred to not eat processed frozen pizzas (for the millionth time) or hamburgers, but jack in the box has salads. This was when he whined that he had no money and then went to sleep.
If this is how it's going to be, I don't see being able to be at home on bedrest for long.
I have no clue how this is going to work, we both relied on ME working and having a good job and my paychecks. He refuses to help, he's a procrastinator, he's lazy and he has a crappy job
I'm trying to not be bitter but when I'm needing him and he's worrying about himself I've had enough.
I need a place for me and my children to live, I need to work, not be stuck on bedrest.
Seriously though, now that I'm done ranting, I wanted to say thank you to everyone for the thoughts and prayers that flooded me. I know they work.
Thank you.
Now, to bathe my boy and lay down

lillyclaire's picture
Joined: 06/21/06
Posts: 3

Nadine~ I hope you don't mind my posting here, I just wanted you to be sure to know what a brave, and wonderful woman I think you are. I am SOOOOOOO very glad you and the babies are okay. I am so sorry for the ordeal you had to go through and the decisions you are currently faced with, as well as the difficulties, topped off now with total bedrest. I wish I was there to help you, I swear I WOULD!! I know what it is like to be the one everybody counts on. I have placenta previa and am on pelvic rest, not complete, but we'll find out Thursday, the placement of the placenta. During this short time, it seems as most everything has gone to hell in a handbasket. I know it is so frustrating to feel at the mercy of everyone, when you are typically the "go-getter". It sucks, man..... Anyway, just know that I, for one, think you are awesome, and that these precious babies are the luckiest kids in the world to have you!! I will think about you often, and keep you in my heartfelt prayers daily!!
Hugs and much love,
Sarah Biggrin

Joined: 04/21/06
Posts: 96

Nadine honey I am in tears reading your post. All my thoughts and prayers are with you right now and those two little babies. Have you tried to find out about getting some kind of state help or anything, with you being a non-married mom and pregnant with twins I am sure you can get some kind of help. I know there are alot of churches that are willing to help here where I live. Sweetie I know its soooo hard but try not to worry so much. PLEASE take care if yourself and get plenty of rest. If you need ANYTHING all of us Feb mommies are here for you. (((((((HUGS))))))) Tori

Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 567

:bigarmhug: sweetie, ITA~with the above poster about seeking assistance from the state.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

So, it's been a long week.. in and out of dr's office and L&D. They did a fetal fibronectin test which came out positive, but according to them, the test isn't very accurate so they sent me home.
My question is, why did they do it then? I mean if a woman is having preterm labor issues, wouldn't it be best to not dig around in that area with a speculum and a swab? Just my thoughts on the issue anyway.
I admit I'm a tid bit morose these days, bitter, angry, bored, depressed and lonely. I'm tired of spending the days mostly by myself more or less, and it seems, the nights as well. I'm pretty much fend for myself right now, even though I'm on strict bedrest and not allowed to do anything, I find myself up and doing things. My bf is completely useless and just when I think there's hope.. i.e yesterday he set me up and took care of me, he flakes out like today where he tells me that he's going out and when I complained he told me to quit picking a fight because he's had a "stressful day"
I think I'm starting to have flashbacks.. living with his mom and spending more of my time alone than with anyone and it's making me despise him. Very much so, actually. I'm getting to where I'm welcoming the idea of hospital bedrest. At least there, I'd have support and help, and wouldn't be up making my food or whatever the other 4 million other things I need to do is, and I'd be away from him most of the time as well. That's what I want the most. I hate saying that bringing two children into this world with someone I can't stand.. I feel so bad. Hopefully things pick up.
*sigh* I feel like such a complainer..

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

So today was appointment number two with a counsellor from LDS family services. I thought going to them would be helpful and I'm sure it will be in the future but at this moment it's not. This was the first appointment with us together, and we did discuss a few things, how M can deal with monty while still leaving the parenting up to me (He tends to try to parent him, and I am not ready for that, M isn't ready for that and neither is monty)
We also discussed our financial situation, and we told him how serious we were about these babies. We want these children, both of us. He did however bring it to our attention that this isn't exactly a favorable environment. I'm aware of this, of course. I'm not sure if I could even consider adopting these two out now even though I know in my heart it must be the best thing. I have no home, no money, no job.. and I'm in an unstable relationship with a man I'm not so sure I like.
The problem is, I've become so attatched to these two little people that I don't think I could do it. Monty is so attatched to them already, I don't know if I could take them away from him. I realize I'm being selfish right now but with Matthew it was different, I knew early on that I wasn't keeping him and didn't form a parental bond with him. These two I already have. I would be heartbroken to let them go. I don't think I can do it. I guess I have some thinking to do, I have to consider monty, myself, M and the babies.. and our situation. I know deep down I *can't* bring these babies into this living situatin right now, and if I'm still living here I don't see me being able to keep them. It wouldn't be fair. I see what I'm giving monty right now (which honestly is nothing except for myself which right now isn't exactly quality time with me. I'm irritable, cranky and frustrated and stuck on the couch) and I see what Matthew gets, how he has such a fantastic life, he's the center of his parents attention and has his own room, and the light of everyone's life .. and I can see that he's not going to want for anything, let alone a home. How can I, in good conscience bring children into an environment less than that, especially one without a home. With nothing but uncertainty ahead of all of us? Right now, I don't feel fit to parent the child I currently have, and I don't in any way shape or form feel fit to parent two more.
Anyway, last night was nice. M (mostly) cooked me thanksgiving dinner to celebrate and I was able to talk to monty a little bit about thanksgiving and canada.
I'm still bedresting as much as I can. Less so when M's mom isn't around because M himself isn't *terribly* helpful. He ends up going to bed at odd hours, doesn't ask if I want anything just kind of goes.. leaving me to fend for myself *and* my son to make some food. Ex is being less than reliable these days as well, for the third day in a row now, has totally flaked out of coming to get our son like he said. He keeps asking me if I can bring him to him when I've told him I can't do *anything*. I'm fighting to try to raise my child and stay in bed at the same time, and as much as I'd miss my boy it would make things much less stressful on me, and make me more able to actually rest if I didn't have him around 24/7. I'm frustrated with my lack of help, I'm frustrated with my inability. I suppose I'm just frustrated in general...

Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 567

Oh crap honey.....you need to come home. :bigarmhug:

Joined: 02/24/09
Posts: 9

I agree with Lizzy. It's clear how much you love those little babies, and how much you want to be a part of their life. Maybe if you moved home it would be possible to raise them easier?
Huge hugs, Sweetie. :bighug:

~Wendy

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Nadine, I hope it's ok that I post here. I just wanted to give you a :bighug: and let you know you're in my thoughts and prayers. I'm sorry things are so rough right now Sad

I'm here for you if you need a shoulder, ok? Just pm me and I'll give you my email address and phone number too.

Love,
Tracy

Chimmy's picture
Joined: 08/03/01
Posts: 2776

Oh Nadine - I am so sorry. I think about you a lot and often wonder how your doing, it's rough being pregnant with twins - I remember my bedrest days but I was nearly full term, so I can't imagine what you must be going through.

I wish so badly that I could help, I really do.

:bighug:

Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 567

:Iloveyou: sweetie so very much, and I apologize for saying that you need to come home, considering your boyfriend lives there etc....I just have this overwhelming feeling you need to come home....of course this could be the fact I have always wanted to meet you IRL and I would come and see you all the time!!!

Dewey's picture
Joined: 12/29/01
Posts: 195

:comfort: Love!!!

As someone who just spent months of bedrest I won't say it's even remotelly easy....but now that my lil' Man is here it makes it all sooo worth while.

I'm sorry your feeling so down...I wish I was there to help you out and help take care of you. It hurts me to know that you are hurting, feeling down. :bighug:

Your a strong Woman though and you will get through this....I can't wait to meet your 2 new lil' miracles....You make such gorgeous babies. :love10:

:Iloveyou: and if you ever need a shoulder to cry/lean on or an ear to listen I'm here for you. :bighug:

Prudence's picture
Joined: 05/02/05
Posts: 256

I've gotta add my love too... I wish you lived near me, Nadine- hell, I'd give ya Bubba's room and I'd pamper ya until those babes came. I am so sorry the BF is turning out to be a bum- ugh. I was so hoping he'd be 'the one' and take good care of you and Monty and the babes!!!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Thanks girls. I sort of thought he'd be "the one" too.. I have this belief that men of single moms are better men, because they've seen their moms go through hell. Obviously not, so far I'm 2 for 2 on that one (dom's mom was a single mom too)
I tried older, younger and everything in between. I suppose I should have realized I was much happier on my own. I really was, I mean the money situation sucked bad, but monty and I were happy together, we got along better, my house was exactly the way *I* wanted it and I never felt like I had to choose between spending time with my son and another person.
Wish I lived closer to you too love. I'd come cuddle your bubba and finally get to spend some time with you.

Dew you're always good for an ego boost, lol. I'm focusing on the positive and that cooking these little ones a little longer will be worth it in the long run when they're not spending months in the NICU where I can't hold them. I'd rather have them in me, kicking my bladder and stomach simultaniously so I can feel close to them.

Lizzy my darlin I love you too, and you're right I *do* need to come home. I keep thinking that this is going to get better here, but it doesn't seem to be. I'm now of course, twice as (three times??) tied down to living in this damn country, in this damn state. I'd be taking three kids away from their daddies. If I could convince them to move to canada I'd be set! Either way,I *was* planning on visiting home with the babies after they were born. My being on bedrest has sort of dampened that but hey I'll still try. If I succeed I best be seeing you too lady.

Chims you do enough, because I know that little you managed two big healthy babies. Thanks sweetie you rock!

Tracy you're never far from my mind really though I admit it's mostly because of scrapping. I've been wanting to start scrapping and of course I think of you whenever it pops up in my head. Your albums are always amazing.

Anyway the thoughts and well wishes I get are almost overwhelmingly wonderful. Those more than anything help me get through every day of having to bake these babies and to be able to manage my situation. you ladies are better than anti depressants.. lol

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I dropped off monty to his dad's till wednesday. I desperately needed him to be gone, he's developed an "I can do whatever I want" attitude and he mouths off, and gets rather rude to me. I realize it's probably mostly because he knows I won't get up to deal with it. Surprise to him, I have a few times. Lately I've been up more than I should be. I do it more when I have Monty than when I don't but even then I'm up making food for myself or whatever.
Despite the fact that I very much needed him to be gone I miss him so much. When he's not being a smart mouth he's one of the sweetest most awesome kids, and my favorite thing ever to do with him is to snuggle.
I've been avoiding thinking about the adoption idea, and the LDS family services guy hasn't called me to make an appointment so I've been able to ignore it for now. I Realize that ignoring the situation doesn't make it better, but it is helping me get through for now. That's kind of what I'm shooting for these days. I just get through one day at a time while I can.
I've been having a lot of odd sensations this week, and I'm pretty sure that it has something to do with all my moving around, plus I find myself on my back more often than not, even sleeping.
I'm struggling with the Hypnobabies kit this time around, I think it has to do with the stress. With Matthew I had no fear whatsoever of childbirth and I had rather little stress. Money, of course but what mom doesn't? Other than that, I had my own place and it was just me, I wasn't bedridden and even if I was I had a bed I could have been ridden to. Things were good. I walked a lot, I had 3 flights of stairs to climb and laundry, cleaning, garbage, whatever. I was self sufficient and I was motivated and I was happy! I think this time I have pretty much everything holding me back and I can't relax and focus. I also have an amazing amount of fear regarding the birth.
Anyway, I mostly just miss my kid and I guess that's what brought me on here. I'll be on a bit longer before I retire to my horizontal position again.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I miss my son, and it's getting late. I'd love to go to bed but the whole family is in the living room (my bedroom) watching a movie.
I realize it's their right seeing as it is their house. I have no right to get upset about it. That's why I'm venting on here.
I was exactly halfway through the season finale of Flavor of Love 2, he hadn't even finished his date yet, and in comes M's brother to watch a movie, in tow is the whole family. I asked if he could wait another 20 minutes for me to finish my show and he pouted and bitched and left. His little sister proclaimed she wasn't going to watch it then if she had to wait, M says "oh, well now you've pissed him off. He's been waiting days to see this movie and it's not like you didn't know he was going to watch it at 8:30"
Fine, obviously I'm outnumbered. Watch the damn movie. I'll go have a bath so I can pout and whine and cry without them knowing.
When I come out, everyone (except the little sister who wasn't going to watch it no matter what I said, I guess) is in the living room, leaving no room for me to lay down. I suppose it's a good time as any for me to hop online even though I should be laying down. Fine. So I'm here, on the computer instead of laying down like I want to be/should be.
I feel like I'm following the steps of my last marriage, except that the ex had a better job and a bit more work ethic and more life experience (slightly) and, well, everything. I was so glad to get out of that, and get my own home. I was tired of living with his mom.. at least there though, I had my own space I could retreat to when things got hard. Here, I have no space of my own at all.
I just want to take my boy and go home.
I miss him, and when I get like this I think of all the hard times him and I have had. He's put up with way more than any child should have to. Why can't he have his own room, or a stable life, or a mother who can't provide for him properly. I think of the time back home when I ran out of diapers. I don't think you can ever feel like more of a failure as a parent when you can't supply basic necessities for your child. Had I not breastfed, I'm sure he'd have starved a lot of the time.
I wonder when I'm going to get my shit together enough to stop struggling to do *everything* for my kids and myself, and stop uprooting my children every few months.

Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 567

:Iloveyou: and please pm me if you need anything....please.

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