April 8 2010
well, well, well, aren't you the stubborn little one. despite all the odds, you are still here. driving me insane! saw the doc yest and she is very happy with your progress but def. agrees that it's time for you to come out. we have scheduled an induction for the 19th just in case you are really stubborn, stripped the membranes again yest, and are now waiting with bated breathe to see if you will stop teasing and just come out and play all ready. for a couple weeks now i thought that i wanted you out now for health reasons. well the doc said that things couldn't be going better and that there doesn't seem to be any cause for concern, you are a good size for vaginal birth without complications (was afraid that if you got too big then the cardiac risk increases, but you are still good for a bit longer) so that's not an issue right now. last night i had a little meltdown again. i came to the conclusion that mommy just isn't handling things as well as i'd like. i don't deal well with pain for no reason, or teasing and it feels like you are doing both, even though i know it's not intentional and it's just training for the big day, this is the thought that's getting me through right now, training is hard but when you win that first place prize it's all worth it! as for the teasing, you drop down and make me walk funny and then go back up and i walk fine again, contractions start, get a little stronger and then stop, yest back pain was added to the contractions in a most notable extreme and it stopped. i keep getting all the signs that you are on your way and then it stops. i've never really been a big fan of roller coasters of any variation! now for the hard part to say but i need to get this out so that you understand all of it. the last little while the hardest part of all this has been the guilt. i am so frustrated with the constant start and stops, the discomfort and the pain (you seriously hurt me every time you move right now) that i can't help but feel some resentment that you seem to be having so much fun doing it, i know this is not the case, but the fact that it keeps happening and you are not making any move to come out is messing with my hormones running thought processes and skewing all perceptions. i love you so much and get to the point some days where i hate myself for having these negative feelings towards you when i know that it's not fair to either of us, and it's misplaced frustration. i am trying to deal with this now and i am reminding myself that it's good practice. i will not always be happy with what you do, or the choices you make, and i need to find a better place to put my emotions. projecting them to you or letting them eat at me are not healthy ways to cope. and on a positive side, it proves to me just how much i love you that it gets to me so bad, i generally don't waste time and energy on those that don't matter most in my life! i know that i'm probably rambling at this point but it helps to let the thoughts out as they come and sort through them later, hopefully something you will learn, don't bottle it up and keep it to yourself. so far this is as far as the thought process has gotten, my inability to deal with chronic pain, inability to deal with the unknown (mommy's a little OCD at times!) which you are a whole lot of right now! and a general inability to cope with not having any say or control in the current situation, there's only so much i can do and that's not very much! i am working on it! daddy is a rock, even though i can see how much this is frustrating him too. he's jealous that i still have you all to myself, and is so anxious to hold you and start this new part of his life too, he hates seeing me in pain and i can see it in his eyes every time i flinch that he wishes he could make it go away and make both you and i happier. i think sometimes that it is even worse for him as he has nothing to go on except my body language at times and he's wound very tightly waiting to 'it's time' and as he has mentioned on one or two occasions, he actually wishes he had some emotional instability so that he could just cry it out, he wants to but his body just isn't cooperating, so he settles for cuddles and helping me through my fits! we talk frequently about all this, one thing daddy and i have always been very good at is communication. in my calmer, more rational moments i get these little insights, when the time comes and you are here and we hear you cry for the first time, and take that first look at your beautiful little face, i can't help but feel that all of this will be forgotten and left in the past, just another bump in the road that came and went without any lasting damage done and hopefully a lesson learned about how to go around the bumps next time or at least how better to get over them! life will not always be perfect, but i think that is what makes it perfect, ying and yang, you can't see the good if there is no contrast, and all that other good junk!!
Oh and just to brag a little about how great daddy is. he has seen me through one surgery, and has watched me through the pregnancy and when i started to talk to him about what we are going to do for birth control after you are here, it wasn't even a discussion, he's getting snipped so i don't have to go through it all. he doesn't want to see me in pain again when he knows he can do it much easier, there is a chance that it can be reversed should we decide to change our minds (not easily but it's possible to a certain extent) and it's something that he can do that's proactive in our relationship after all that i've done (in this area) i'm so grateful to have a man that is so thoughtful and reasonable and it is my hope that as cliche as it is, you do find someone like your dad when you are ready to settle down with someone.
okay i think i've ranted and vented and rambled enough for one day, tom is supposed to be your birthday if you were to make a timely appearance, although i'm not holding my breathe! good luck, hope to see you soon! love always and forever, mom!
a little late but here's your last entry in this journal!
better late than never!
Jade Alexandra Dawn Elizabeth C.
born: April 9 2010
weight: 7lbs even
length: 19.5 inches
thurs, april 8 started like any other day, we had breakfast, complained that i was still preg and dtd! at 11:45am i stood up and felt a little gush like when my period starts. when i checked i wasn't sure what i was seeing, just clear, scent free liquid that soaked through to my pants a little. threw on a pad, told dh that i think my water is breaking and i'm a trickler. decided that we would do some walking to see what happens, went to the store, got dh a hair cut and did laps of the block for a about 1 1/2 hours. nothing but more trickles, which continued in little gushes the whole time. by 5:30pm i had soaked through three pads and was on my third diaper and dh wanted me to call the hospital to see how long i was to let this continue since it seemed like a lot of fluid to be leaking with nothing else happening. by this point, there was nothing else going on and she was still squirming a little! they said to come in so we called my dad and were off. snow storm started as i was dialing the hospital and picked up to the point that by next morning there was two inches on the ground! figured this was typical since she was conceived during a lightening storm! between 6:30-7pm got admitted and hooked up to monitors to see what was going on. confirmed that yes water was breaking (still leaking at this point) and everything with Jade looked good, still no contractions. all dh had to do at this point was wheel me in and wait, his joke, 'i don't know what all the fuss is, this is easy!' told him to enjoy and wait for it! probably could have waited at home more but the doc said it was good to come in when i did. 7:05pm doc wants to start oxytocin since i was still only 2cm and she was high again. 8pm the nurse came in to start the iv and i asked to be checked first, 2-3cm and still thick, they decided to go with cervidil first, thank you to all who reminded me to say something! pit wouldn't have done much at this point! 8:30pm cervidil in, still no iv and i tried to get some rest while i could. 9pm contractions started getting serious so we moved into the shower, dh was terrific with the hand held while sat in the sitz bath. i wish at this point i had remembered to do an enema before, i hadn't pooped since wed morning and OMG couldn't feel anything except pressure on my butt. 1:15am contractions getting really bad, cervidil taken out. 2:30am i had enough, it was all butt labour and i totally was not prepared for this style of pain. asked for epi.; got epi in after the first try failed, guy hit ligament and couldn't get it in, apologized profusely, moved up a notch and got it in no prob. looked at dh and he agreed that i had earned the relief at this point! sometime before 4am doc came in and checked me, baby was starting to show signs of cardiac distress and they had me on my hands and knees, nurses said i was about 9 1/2 but there was still a lip and they were hoping that it would go soon. doc had me flip to my back so she could check me and Jade. dh said it was this fast: fingers in, fingers out, 'push', 3min later Jade literally fell out at 3:52am! doc had vaccum on her to assist, head came out, doc went to hang up the vaccum and Jade fell into the blanket (nurse was there and doc only turned so she was still right there!) she didn't cry only squeaked! it was wonderful, dh had not wanted to see anything from the waist down and ended up seeing everything as he moved in to hold my leg at the last minute. he told me later that she came out with her eyes open and looking right at him!! he is still weepy when he thinks about it! got her cleaned up and put on the boob right away, she took to it like a champ once the nurse got her hands off me (she was trying to help and not really doing it!) jaundice was noticed a few hours later but she was feeding and pooping really well so they let us go home at 3:30pm april 10! all in all not what i was picturing it would be like but i really can't complain, even the epi was great, only 1 1/2 hours and by the time i pushed i had some feeling, by the time they put her in my arms i had total feeling and during i was only numb from belly button to butt!
the most important item i brought turned out to be the cell phone, mp3 got turned on so we could all listen to music and as a result it distracted from all the hospital noises and we were able to get some sleep!
since dh got first pics i thought who better to share with than here!
dh's fav pic, 'his porcelain doll'