Roarings of a Lioness
Woohoo! I can't believe I'm pregnant again, I mean, I figured it wouldn't take long, but it's still a bit of a shocker for me. Having to wait since September was new to us too... of course, we had never tried to get pregnant this soon after giving birth, so I guess it shouldnt have been. I just thought I would be terrified to be pregnant again after losing Peter, but strangely, I am pretty calm. Now dont get me wrong, I have moments when I start to "what if", but for the most part, I;m okay.
I'm having trouble naming my journal, but I guess that's no surprise. I may change it.
Right now, I'm naming it "Roarings of a Lioness" because of a devotional study by Nancy Campbell at http://www.aboverubies.org/frameset.asp?w=1024 Above Rubies. Ever since I read it this summer in Gatekeepers Of The Home, that phrase has stuck in my head, like God put some crazy glue on it before smacking it onto my forehead or something. :lol:
I know God doesn't want me to be afraid of what might happen in the future- whether I'm able to hang on to this baby till he/she is full term or whether he/she will survive labor or go Home like Peter did. I can't be afraid of that, because that's exactly what my enemy would want. It's like my midwife (MW) said- I can't cower in the corner and be afraid, I can't give up and have my tubes tied because I'm too scared to lose another pregnancy and I can't lie down and have my baby cut out of me for no reason just because I've been intimidated. He will not win. I've gone through too much to give up and give in now.
I think God showed Patrick the angel that came to take Peter home for a reason. I think God showed my sister the vision of Peter as a grown man worshipping God for a reason too. He's no longer the beautiful baby boy that we left at Eastside Cemetery in his baby blue casket. He;s a warrior for the Lord. Already I think he;s helped make people think about God and their own mortality. God knew just when my mind would be able to accept the fact that Peter has grown spiritually way beyond me and I'm going to have to start running to catch up.
So I've got to start this journal off with words to encourage me. Words that I can go back and read if I'm ever feeling bad or losing hope again, then I can get on with my ramblings for this pregnancy journal. I'm sure I'm going to have to add encouragement for myself as time goes on too.
Here are some words from Nancy Campbell..."I love the words that Balaam prophesied over God's people. 'These people rise up like a lioness: like a majestic lion they stand. They refuse to rest until they have feasted on prey, drinking the blood of the slaughtered.' (Numbers 23:24 NLT) Remember, the Lion of the tribe of Judah now lives in you. In the power of Christ, you are the lioness, not the prey. You are the head, not the tail. You are the victor, not the victim.
As a child of God, and especially as a mother, you need this same lion-like attitude against any attack against your marriage or family. Look upon the enemy as a foe to be defeated and utterly routed. Do not give up until you feast on the prey of your enemy. God calls His people 'My battle axe and weapons of war.' (Jeremiah 51:20)"
Hmmm, I don't know if I like being called a battle axe :lol:, but I don't mind being called a weapon of war. After all, my children are arrows. :D
Okay, so that's enough of the enouragement thread for now. I'm going to post again with pregnancy symptoms and other thoughts.
4 weeks 1 day
4 weeks 1 day
We got our first BFP on Sunday at what FF says was 11 DPO. This came after a BFN at 8 DPO. Patrick looked a little scared when I told him, but he insisted it was only because he was worried about me. Now that I've had a few days to process everything and I'm still feeling okay emotionally, he seems to be doing better too. I guess he really was just worried about me. What a sweet guy.
I actually feel like I had more symptoms before I tested positive than I do now, which worries me a little bit, but I'm just going to have to keep "roaring" and not let the fear take over.
My initial symptoms were: being extremely tired in the middle of the day. I hadn't needed naps that bad since early pregnancy with Peter.... Very sore, achy leg veins that actually hurt more for a few minutes in the morning than at night....achy pelvic area....cramping.
I actually had started spotting at around 7 DPO which is when I usually start my period. It lasted several days, but never turned into bright red bleeding and just tapered off to nothing a few days ago. It scared me a bit at first because that's kinda how my last miscarriage went, but again...ROAR! I'm going to enjoy every minute of this pregnancy and I'm not going to let the enemy or my fear rob me of any joy.
I haven't had sore or hypersensetive bbs yet, which is usually a major symptom of pregnancy for me, so I'm wondering if that's going to kick in later or maybe not come at all. That would be cool.
I took 2 more HPTs this morning, hoping to get darker lines, but not much luck there either. The EPT brand stick was slightly darker, but the $ Tree (New Choice, I think?) was still very light. Maybe that's what's bugging me a bit today, that and this cold I have. I hate being sick. :getwell: Maybe if I just lie down for a nap I'll feel better. :sleeping: Yeah, that sounds really good.
4 Weeks 2 Days
Yes, I know my EDD has changed, but fertility friend changed it on me yesterday and I'm just going along with it because I usually go past my EDD and I hate the reaction people have when they find out I'm overdue. Maybe that's the whole problem. I shouldn't care what they think. It's only one day anyway.
FF had been having trouble figuring out when I O'd so that's going to be a little hard to figure out. I'll just have to send my chart to my MW and see what she says. Of course, I'm not sure how much she knows about charting so we'll have to see. So as of today, the official due date is 10/11/07.
I'm feeling a bit more secure today. I keep reading that it's quite normal to lose or switch pregnancy symptoms this early. Maybe that's because the hormones are still getting worked out, I don't know. Oh wow, I suddenly feel nauseous. :D That's good!! I also realized a couple nights ago that I'm still peeing like crazy, so that's good too. Bbs are still not sore or sensetive though, but that's okay, I'm just going to enjoy it while I can.
My cold got worse. :getwell: That's what I get for hugging people and shaking hands at church. :lol: Hopefully no one else will get it. DH and DD#2 are out of town for FIL's 75th birthday, so hopefully my little sickly beanpole will stay healthy. I sent her off with children's echinacea and her vitamins, but DH forgot to give them to her this morning. Hopefully he'll remember tonight. I'm almost glad to have a reason to stay home. I feel funny not telling my ILs that I'm pregnant, but I also don't want to see MIL's reaction if it's a bad one... There I go, caring too much what others think again.
I did tell my mom and she must have told my sister by now. My mom sounded surprised that I got pregnant again so soon. She's used to us waiting years in between kids. I sensed a bit of fear in her too. I know she doesn't want to lose another grandchild and she doesn't want me to go through more pain either. I'm going to have to tell her to roar at her enemies too. ROAR!!
4 weeks 4 days
I'm getting more symptoms again! :woohoo: At least I've traded the ones I really hate (being dead tired and hurting leg veins) for the ones I ususally have as an indication of pregnancy (nausea-not too bad thankfully, and my bbs are starting to get a bit more sensetive) I know I'm not going to like that later, but oh well, I'll take having symptoms over not. :)
Oh, I just found this avatar-http://image.lafemmebonita.com/c/av305701.jpg I wanted to use it as my avatar, but I can't because I have sticky posts on the P&IL board, and maybe even the TTCAL board and I already have too much stuff in my siggy. :( Oh well, maybe I'll just use it here for my own viewing pleasure. ;)
My cold is starting to go away and I'm feeling stronger, so I'm going to pick back up with the exercise soon. And my mom has gotten excited about the fat flush plan again too, so maybe I can start doing phase 3. That way I don't gain more weight than necessary.
I also need to take belly pics too. Can't wait till DH starts doing more outside work. That way he can get a regular paycheck and get around all this junk at N&A...then I can get some neccesaries and of course...some books! I think someone mentioned Your Pregnancy Week by Week? or something similar and I want to get The Baby Book by Dr Sears and Childbirth Without Fear. Oh! Also that 40 Week devotional pregnancy Bible study would be excellent. Hmmm, dreaming about books again. I may have to pare down my current bookshelf first though. [sigh] Don't wanna. I want my own library. ;) :reading:
Okay, a little something to cause worry today... Upon waking I realized that the sudden bloatedness I had is gone. I mean I'm still fat of course, :lol: but that sudden popping out of my belly is gone. I don't like losing symptoms suddenly. And to add to it, my temp dropped a little this morning. Not below cover, but still, I don't like it. Thankfully the nausea showed up again. However, I had what looked like a small ammt of grey-pink color to my CM when wiping today.
How do I go about roaring at that? Is the bloat a good thing or a bad thing? I don't know so maybe I can toss that one out the window. And the spotting?? Well, some women spot quite a bit during early pregnancy. I'm not doing much, just resting till this cold goes completely away. The only thing I did different was Primary Back Stretch (PBS) yesterday and that's only an 8 min exercise that I know is okay to do during pregnancy. DH and I didn't even DTD last night. Hmm, maybe I just irritated something by adding exercise. That could be it. I feel like such a loser saying that. I'm so out of shape.
Well, maybe LS will call today. It's my support group meeting night and I know she wanted to take her other client. I guess I should get off the computer then.
Oh and I think I will tell Betsy I'm pregnant. She knows the fear of pregnancy after losing a baby through stillbirth. I hate telling people I'm pregnant. I know that's silly but I do. Hopefully LS will come and she can share the news for me.
Ooops! ETA my roar:
I just remembered I'm still peeing like crazy and I'm quite nauseous. I woke up late and only took 2 prenatals. I just took the 2nd dose, so hopefully it'll kick in soon and I won't hurl. That's a good thing. Thank you Lord for making me tired this morning. :) Now on to the roar:
HE who dwells in the secret place of the Most High
Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress;
My God, in Him I will trust."
Surely He shall deliver you from the snare of the fowler*
And from the perilous pestilence.
He shall cover you with His feathers,
And under His wings you shall take refuge;
His truth shall be your shield and buckler.
You shall not be afraid of the terror by night,
Nor of the arrow that flies by day,
Nor of the pestilence that walks in darkness,
Nor of the destruction that lays waste at noonday.
A thousand may fall at your side,
And ten thousand at your right hand;
But it shall not come near you.
Only with your eyes shall you look,
And see the reward of the wicked.
Because you have made the LORD, who is my refuge,
Even the Most High, your dwelling place,
No evil shall befall you,
Nor shall any plague come near your dwelling;
For He shall give His angels charge over you,
To keep you in all your ways.
In their hands they shall bear you up,
Lest you dash your foot against a stone.
You shall tread upon the lion and the cobra,
The young lion and the serpent you shall trample underfoot.
"Because he has set his love upon Me, therefore I will deliver him;
I will set him on high, because he has known My name.
He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble;
I will deliver him and honor him.
With long life I will satisfy him,
And show him My salvation."
6 weeks 6 days
I haven't been here in a while. After the last post the spotting and cramping picked up and went for 13 days! Needless to say I was not feeling good about it.
By the 3rd day of spotting, I called LS and talked to her about it. Of course she made me feel much better, even though she was a bit rushed. I know it's selfish of me, but i hate it when I can't really talk to her about stuff. Most of the time I feel like she's one of the very few people in this world who truly understand what happened with Peter and how devastating it was. Other than DH, Bonnie and the other women from last summer's Bible Study, I feel that everyone else blames us, even though they never bothered to ask us what really happened.
Can you tell I'm feeling defensive and down today? I'm really dreading telling anyone else about this pregnancy because I'm afraid someone will say we're irresponsible for having another child and for planning another home birth. Why do I care so much what others think? It's so stupid. I can't seem to stop it though. I guess I have those same feelings myself... of guilt.
At first I truly felt that maybe God was punishing me, that I'd made a bad choice in having a home birth and this was God's way of telling me I was wrong, but after finding out about Peter's angel in the ambulance that came to get him, the fact that nurse H was not an OB nurse and to me that explains why she was so defensive, that she really did not understand the danger Peter was in and that if LS had been able to talk to someone who was actually competent, Peter would be alive today.
The rumors that Dr in Carson is spreading are not true and I have to remind myself of that. It's not our fault. Why can't I always remember that my labor did not really kick in till after LS had been on the phone, calling for help for quite a while. I mean, of course I remember it, but somehow the fact that someone planning a hospital birth would have had the same outcome had they been treated like we were gets pushed aside by all the accusations I think people are hurling at me. Everyone else has sudden onset amnesia when it comes to that fact too. At times I imagine myself screaming at someone who would try to accuse us. Why is everything my midwife's fault? Peter's death, the other 2 babies she's lost over the years, the hospital's incompetence, nukes in Iran, the price of oil... Is there anything that isn't her fault?
I actually had a conversation with a woman at bunko last month. (didn't feel like going this month) I expressed my frustration with the fact that we were treated so wrong in being questioned in the hospital, just a couple hours after Peter died. I wondered why Drs and their patients are not treated the same and you know what her logic was? She said that there was a fictional book written about a midwife who lied about a client's death! That was her excuse for why we were suspect. Don't get me wrong, she wasn't excusing the behaviour of the sheriff's detective and how wrong it was for them to question me while I sat in my hospital bed, holding my dead son. But she was using it to possibly explain the reason for all the suspicion. She's normally such a nice lady and her argument made no sense, so I didn't even challenge her on it.
Sometimes I wish LS had just said "screw them, we're taking you anyway.", but how could she have anticipated we'd be turned away, and in such an urgent situation? Of course it threw her for a loop. It sure threw us. That's why we called Lyndee for prayer help. I told her right there that we were being brushed aside. I just don't understand why that information was not passed along to people at church. Only Elizabeth and maybe Marie seem to understand what really happened. They know we were hated and Peter was essentially murdered simply because we wanted a home birth.
Hmm, this does not seem to be unfolding as a pregnancy journal entry, but rather, a vent about what happened with Peter. That's what happens with anniversaries though. Peter would have been 8mos old today. I went to the June '06 birth board to see the pics of babies that would be Peter's age. Why do I do things like that to myself? The babies were huge. They didn't look like little babies anymore, but Peter still does. His pictures make him look so small. I know he was a big boy. 8lbs 2oz is good sized. He just looks so small compared to our hands. I even aske DH a few nights ago if Peter was really that small and DH said no, it was the camera angle.
I want to go to the cemetery today. Maybe i should get dressed and ask DH if he's too busy to get off early today. Maybe I still have a chance to go. I hope so.
Back to my pregnancy-
I'm feeling more confident right at this minute about this baby making it. That scares me a bit in some ways. I don't know how I'll react in labor. Will I be able to make it past the fear?
I've been afraid to get too excited about this baby though. I don't want to do that. I feel like i cheated Peter by doing that to him. Not only was I afraid of having another miscarriage, but I was afraid I wouldn't be able to handle one more child. That's so wrong. I don't want to do that to this baby, but I'm afraid to have my heart put through a meat grinder again too. Why can't I find a middle ground?
My pregnancy symptoms have started to return for the most part today. They'd been coming and going (mostly going) over the last few weeks. But today I'm very nauseous, extremely dizzy, not able to concentrate much at all, my bbs are tender. I feel queasy still after accidentally brushing one a little to hard on my bra snap. That was almost an hour ago, so that's a typical pregnancy symptom I haven't had yet.
I ordered 15 HPTs to keep testing. I talked to LS after I ordered them and she said it might be a good indicator of whether or not baby is still alive. DH was supposed to check his mailbox last night, but he forgot. I was afraid he was going to do that if he had them sent to his P.O. box. I'm obviously pretty moody too. :(
Mmmm, I suddenly got a craving for a doughnut. :lol: Not something I need to be eating right now.
Well, I think I'll get in the shower and call DH. See what his schedule looks like today. I think the cemetery is a long shot, but it won't happen if I don't try, will it?
Oh and here's the pg ticker I just replaced. Once again, for my own viewing pleasure. :lol:
8 weeks 4 days
Okay, looks like I'm stretching these journal entries out, but that's okay, I'll post as I feel like it.
So the spotting has been gone for several days, and m/s hit hard a few days ago, but seems to be fading again. I've been using HPTs too, but the lines are starting to fade. I didn't use one today, but maybe tomorrow or the next just to compare. I heard on one of my old email lists that hcg starts to fade btwn 10-12 weeks, but I'm not there yet. <sigh> I just wish I could have and appt already so i know what's going on. I don't want to wait till the 19th.
I did start temping again after a 9 day break and so far my temps are still high. Maybe I miscalculated my O date? Then again, I got a BFN only 2 days before my first faint BFP, so I guess that's not likely. :( I'm not doing much roaring here today, am I?
Maybe what I need to do is get going and get my mind off it.
9 weeks 6 days
Well the spotting has been gone for 24 days now and I'm actually starting to feel pregnant. The m/s hasn't been really bad since those 2 days where all I wanted to do was sleep I was so sick. It's just enough to let me know it's there, but not enough to be really annoying. I've also got a few weapons. Sourpatch kids (I know, I know, candy is bad) work wonders. I wish I had some right now. :lol:
I think I may have a UTI, or at least had one over the last few weeks. I'd had cloudy urine and sometimes my pee smelled funny. I'm trying to up my water intake but it's hard. I don't know why, the weather is much warmer, but I still can't seem to make myself drink enough. Maybe sipping on ice water will help, who knows?
Aaand, I have less than a week till my first appt!! I'm excited and scared all rolled into one. I'm so anxious to hear the heartbeat, but so afraid of what my reaction will be once this pregnancy becomes so real.
Ugh! Some foolio neighbor is smoking outside. I'm already very nauseous. Why can't they just pollute their own house? :lol: Angry pregnant hormones make me want to go out there and throw some water on them because they're smoking. :lol: '
Hopefully I'll be back with good news after my appt on Monday.
18 weeks even
Hmmmm, I posted a journal entry a few days ago, but apparently I messed up somehow and didn't send. :lol: That's perfectly okay, I was really cranky and said a few nasty things, so I'm glad it didn't stick.
Well, I had my 2nd appt with LS and it went very well. I'd been feeling down and needing to talk to someone who actually understands me and doesn't think I'm crazy. It was so good to talk to LS. I even got a good cry in. We both shared some personal stuff with each other. Unfortunately, we lost track of time and kept talking into the next appt. and I even stayed for probably another 30-40 minutes and talked to them. I discovered the next client was Nancy. She's a doula and taught the childbirth class at Dave and Monica's house at the lake. I wonder how little Kai is doing. He was born about 3 weeks before Peter. We haven't bumped into them with Kai since they brought us flowers and pie a few days after Peter was born. They're really nice people.
Anyway, I hope Nancy wasn't mad at me for taking up most of her appt too.
Baby's heartbeat was 160. LS found him/her just off to the right of my belly button. My uterus is measuring right on. LS is awesome. As she was preparing to feel around for my uterus and listen with the doppler, she placed her hands over the baby and said something like "this baby will sit nice and low". She said God hears us when we speak words over our children and that God heard what she said.
LS also asked me if I was feeling movement every day. When I was there, I said no, but now that I'm really thinking about it and paying attention, I have been feeling little kicks, pokes and rolls every day since then. :)
Oh! My friend Diana just emailed me to tell me she's pregnant! I'm so excited for her. I wanted her to have one more baby that she gets to keep. Her baby girl died last Sept at 6 mos of age, so her heart is still hurting so much. She'd told me she was trying to get pregnant, but was worried it wouldn't happen. I was praying for her, thanking God for another chance to have a healthy baby. A good birth and a good experience this time. I'm praying for that for both of us. And for peace for our families.
I'm sorta dreading mother's day. I'm afraid to be sad that I'm missing one of my babies after we got so close, but I'm trying to distract myself. We're going to put together a little gift bag for Brandy, a single mom at church. My plan was to sneak it to her boys so they could give it to her, but we're going camping this weekend for Natalie's birthday, so we're not going to be at church. Not sure how we're going to do this now. Maybe we can give it to Maureen to give to the boys?
Well, that's it for now.
Baby I love you! I'm praying for health and safety for you. Grow baby, big and strong. Your family is waiting to meet you. :)
22 weeks 5 days
I'm starting to feel big now. :lol: my last appt with LS was on June 5th and baby's heartbeat was 160 again. I'm feeling so much movement! Baby hates it when I sleep on my side and kicks at the bed. He/she even kicked at 'Lijah's leg once when he fell asleep with his leg on me.
I've been trying to get DH to feel the baby's movements. I've felt them with my hands before but he hasn't had any luck...until today! :D
Unfortunately I've got blood sugar that's on the high side. LS tested me at my last visit because there were ketones (sp?) in my urine. It was at 131 about an hour after I ate lunch which was a hamburger and fries. I guess I shouldn't be surprised with the way I eat and how much I love carbs. <sigh> I'm going to have to make some lifestyle changes. We also did a 3hr self test. I tested my BS upon waking, an hour after eating a carb-loaded breakfast, and then two more times an hour apart. I started off @ 94, went to 131, 109, then ended at 93. She said it wasn't to the diabetic point but definitely on the high side so we need to look at my diet. I'm going to have to write down everything I eat for a week. I think I'll start a new post and do that here.
Oh and my leg veins hurt and look really ugly on the right side. Oh well!
DH finally told his parents about the baby a couple of weeks ago. FIL said they already suspected but he wouldn't say why. Maybe because MIL is constantly asking me about my diet and I had to tell her I'd quit going to weight watchers. Who knows. Then last week, apparently she called BIL and let him know she's not happy about me being pregnant again. I'm supposed to just let that roll of my back. Like a dang 'ol duck. :duckie: :raspberry1: How does someone go about doing that anyway? In over 15 years I haven't figured it out yet. Hopefully some day. :cry:
Well, I guess that's it for now.
Baby, daddy felt you move today! I've been trying to get him to feel you move because you're a strong little one and i knew if he'd just be patient enough, he'd feel your kicks. Tonight I was lying on my side and I could feel you wiggling around in there with my hands so I made dad get up and come over. He felt you move twice!! He was a little sad though because he's scared that you'll be a lucky baby just like Peter and get to skip this world. We want you to be an unlucky baby and hang out with us for a while, okay? I love you! Keep growing big and strong. - Mom.