Roarings of a Lioness

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sweetpetunia's picture
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Roarings of a Lioness

Woohoo! I can't believe I'm pregnant again, I mean, I figured it wouldn't take long, but it's still a bit of a shocker for me. Having to wait since September was new to us too... of course, we had never tried to get pregnant this soon after giving birth, so I guess it shouldnt have been. I just thought I would be terrified to be pregnant again after losing Peter, but strangely, I am pretty calm. Now dont get me wrong, I have moments when I start to "what if", but for the most part, I;m okay.

I'm having trouble naming my journal, but I guess that's no surprise. I may change it.

Right now, I'm naming it "Roarings of a Lioness" because of a devotional study by Nancy Campbell at Above Rubies. Ever since I read it this summer in Gatekeepers Of The Home, that phrase has stuck in my head, like God put some crazy glue on it before smacking it onto my forehead or something. Lol

I know God doesn't want me to be afraid of what might happen in the future- whether I'm able to hang on to this baby till he/she is full term or whether he/she will survive labor or go Home like Peter did. I can't be afraid of that, because that's exactly what my enemy would want. It's like my midwife (MW) said- I can't cower in the corner and be afraid, I can't give up and have my tubes tied because I'm too scared to lose another pregnancy and I can't lie down and have my baby cut out of me for no reason just because I've been intimidated. He will not win. I've gone through too much to give up and give in now.

I think God showed Patrick the angel that came to take Peter home for a reason. I think God showed my sister the vision of Peter as a grown man worshipping God for a reason too. He's no longer the beautiful baby boy that we left at Eastside Cemetery in his baby blue casket. He;s a warrior for the Lord. Already I think he;s helped make people think about God and their own mortality. God knew just when my mind would be able to accept the fact that Peter has grown spiritually way beyond me and I'm going to have to start running to catch up.

So I've got to start this journal off with words to encourage me. Words that I can go back and read if I'm ever feeling bad or losing hope again, then I can get on with my ramblings for this pregnancy journal. I'm sure I'm going to have to add encouragement for myself as time goes on too.

Here are some words from Nancy Campbell..."I love the words that Balaam prophesied over God's people. 'These people rise up like a lioness: like a majestic lion they stand. They refuse to rest until they have feasted on prey, drinking the blood of the slaughtered.' (Numbers 23:24 NLT) Remember, the Lion of the tribe of Judah now lives in you. In the power of Christ, you are the lioness, not the prey. You are the head, not the tail. You are the victor, not the victim.

As a child of God, and especially as a mother, you need this same lion-like attitude against any attack against your marriage or family. Look upon the enemy as a foe to be defeated and utterly routed. Do not give up until you feast on the prey of your enemy. God calls His people 'My battle axe and weapons of war.' (Jeremiah 51:20)"

Hmmm, I don't know if I like being called a battle axe :lol:, but I don't mind being called a weapon of war. After all, my children are arrows. Biggrin

Okay, so that's enough of the enouragement thread for now. I'm going to post again with pregnancy symptoms and other thoughts.


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4 weeks 1 day


4 weeks 1 day

We got our first BFP on Sunday at what FF says was 11 DPO. This came after a BFN at 8 DPO. Patrick looked a little scared when I told him, but he insisted it was only because he was worried about me. Now that I've had a few days to process everything and I'm still feeling okay emotionally, he seems to be doing better too. I guess he really was just worried about me. What a sweet guy.

I actually feel like I had more symptoms before I tested positive than I do now, which worries me a little bit, but I'm just going to have to keep "roaring" and not let the fear take over.

My initial symptoms were: being extremely tired in the middle of the day. I hadn't needed naps that bad since early pregnancy with Peter.... Very sore, achy leg veins that actually hurt more for a few minutes in the morning than at night....achy pelvic area....cramping.

I actually had started spotting at around 7 DPO which is when I usually start my period. It lasted several days, but never turned into bright red bleeding and just tapered off to nothing a few days ago. It scared me a bit at first because that's kinda how my last miscarriage went, but again...ROAR! I'm going to enjoy every minute of this pregnancy and I'm not going to let the enemy or my fear rob me of any joy.

I haven't had sore or hypersensetive bbs yet, which is usually a major symptom of pregnancy for me, so I'm wondering if that's going to kick in later or maybe not come at all. That would be cool.

I took 2 more HPTs this morning, hoping to get darker lines, but not much luck there either. The EPT brand stick was slightly darker, but the $ Tree (New Choice, I think?) was still very light. Maybe that's what's bugging me a bit today, that and this cold I have. I hate being sick. :getwell: Maybe if I just lie down for a nap I'll feel better. :sleeping: Yeah, that sounds really good.


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4 Weeks 2 Days

Yes, I know my EDD has changed, but fertility friend changed it on me yesterday and I'm just going along with it because I usually go past my EDD and I hate the reaction people have when they find out I'm overdue. Maybe that's the whole problem. I shouldn't care what they think. It's only one day anyway.

FF had been having trouble figuring out when I O'd so that's going to be a little hard to figure out. I'll just have to send my chart to my MW and see what she says. Of course, I'm not sure how much she knows about charting so we'll have to see. So as of today, the official due date is 10/11/07.

I'm feeling a bit more secure today. I keep reading that it's quite normal to lose or switch pregnancy symptoms this early. Maybe that's because the hormones are still getting worked out, I don't know. Oh wow, I suddenly feel nauseous. Biggrin That's good!! I also realized a couple nights ago that I'm still peeing like crazy, so that's good too. Bbs are still not sore or sensetive though, but that's okay, I'm just going to enjoy it while I can.

My cold got worse. :getwell: That's what I get for hugging people and shaking hands at church. Lol Hopefully no one else will get it. DH and DD#2 are out of town for FIL's 75th birthday, so hopefully my little sickly beanpole will stay healthy. I sent her off with children's echinacea and her vitamins, but DH forgot to give them to her this morning. Hopefully he'll remember tonight. I'm almost glad to have a reason to stay home. I feel funny not telling my ILs that I'm pregnant, but I also don't want to see MIL's reaction if it's a bad one... There I go, caring too much what others think again.

I did tell my mom and she must have told my sister by now. My mom sounded surprised that I got pregnant again so soon. She's used to us waiting years in between kids. I sensed a bit of fear in her too. I know she doesn't want to lose another grandchild and she doesn't want me to go through more pain either. I'm going to have to tell her to roar at her enemies too. ROAR!!


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4 weeks 4 days

I'm getting more symptoms again! :woohoo: At least I've traded the ones I really hate (being dead tired and hurting leg veins) for the ones I ususally have as an indication of pregnancy (nausea-not too bad thankfully, and my bbs are starting to get a bit more sensetive) I know I'm not going to like that later, but oh well, I'll take having symptoms over not. Smile

Oh, I just found this avatar- I wanted to use it as my avatar, but I can't because I have sticky posts on the P&IL board, and maybe even the TTCAL board and I already have too much stuff in my siggy. Sad Oh well, maybe I'll just use it here for my own viewing pleasure. Wink

My cold is starting to go away and I'm feeling stronger, so I'm going to pick back up with the exercise soon. And my mom has gotten excited about the fat flush plan again too, so maybe I can start doing phase 3. That way I don't gain more weight than necessary.

I also need to take belly pics too. Can't wait till DH starts doing more outside work. That way he can get a regular paycheck and get around all this junk at N&A...then I can get some neccesaries and of course...some books! I think someone mentioned Your Pregnancy Week by Week? or something similar and I want to get The Baby Book by Dr Sears and Childbirth Without Fear. Oh! Also that 40 Week devotional pregnancy Bible study would be excellent. Hmmm, dreaming about books again. I may have to pare down my current bookshelf first though. [sigh] Don't wanna. I want my own library. Wink :reading:


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Okay, a little something to cause worry today... Upon waking I realized that the sudden bloatedness I had is gone. I mean I'm still fat of course, Lol but that sudden popping out of my belly is gone. I don't like losing symptoms suddenly. And to add to it, my temp dropped a little this morning. Not below cover, but still, I don't like it. Thankfully the nausea showed up again. However, I had what looked like a small ammt of grey-pink color to my CM when wiping today.

How do I go about roaring at that? Is the bloat a good thing or a bad thing? I don't know so maybe I can toss that one out the window. And the spotting?? Well, some women spot quite a bit during early pregnancy. I'm not doing much, just resting till this cold goes completely away. The only thing I did different was Primary Back Stretch (PBS) yesterday and that's only an 8 min exercise that I know is okay to do during pregnancy. DH and I didn't even DTD last night. Hmm, maybe I just irritated something by adding exercise. That could be it. I feel like such a loser saying that. I'm so out of shape.

Well, maybe LS will call today. It's my support group meeting night and I know she wanted to take her other client. I guess I should get off the computer then.

Oh and I think I will tell Betsy I'm pregnant. She knows the fear of pregnancy after losing a baby through stillbirth. I hate telling people I'm pregnant. I know that's silly but I do. Hopefully LS will come and she can share the news for me.


Ooops! ETA my roar:

I just remembered I'm still peeing like crazy and I'm quite nauseous. I woke up late and only took 2 prenatals. I just took the 2nd dose, so hopefully it'll kick in soon and I won't hurl. That's a good thing. Thank you Lord for making me tired this morning. Smile Now on to the roar:

HE who dwells in the secret place of the Most High

Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.

I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress;
My God, in Him I will trust."

Surely He shall deliver you from the snare of the fowler*
And from the perilous pestilence.

He shall cover you with His feathers,
And under His wings you shall take refuge;
His truth shall be your shield and buckler.

You shall not be afraid of the terror by night,
Nor of the arrow that flies by day,

Nor of the pestilence that walks in darkness,
Nor of the destruction that lays waste at noonday.

A thousand may fall at your side,
And ten thousand at your right hand;
But it shall not come near you.

Only with your eyes shall you look,
And see the reward of the wicked.

Because you have made the LORD, who is my refuge,
Even the Most High, your dwelling place,

No evil shall befall you,
Nor shall any plague come near your dwelling;

For He shall give His angels charge over you,
To keep you in all your ways.

In their hands they shall bear you up,
Lest you dash your foot against a stone.

You shall tread upon the lion and the cobra,
The young lion and the serpent you shall trample underfoot.

"Because he has set his love upon Me, therefore I will deliver him;
I will set him on high, because he has known My name.

He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble;
I will deliver him and honor him.

With long life I will satisfy him,
And show him My salvation."

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6 weeks 6 days

I haven't been here in a while. After the last post the spotting and cramping picked up and went for 13 days! Needless to say I was not feeling good about it.

By the 3rd day of spotting, I called LS and talked to her about it. Of course she made me feel much better, even though she was a bit rushed. I know it's selfish of me, but i hate it when I can't really talk to her about stuff. Most of the time I feel like she's one of the very few people in this world who truly understand what happened with Peter and how devastating it was. Other than DH, Bonnie and the other women from last summer's Bible Study, I feel that everyone else blames us, even though they never bothered to ask us what really happened.

Can you tell I'm feeling defensive and down today? I'm really dreading telling anyone else about this pregnancy because I'm afraid someone will say we're irresponsible for having another child and for planning another home birth. Why do I care so much what others think? It's so stupid. I can't seem to stop it though. I guess I have those same feelings myself... of guilt.

At first I truly felt that maybe God was punishing me, that I'd made a bad choice in having a home birth and this was God's way of telling me I was wrong, but after finding out about Peter's angel in the ambulance that came to get him, the fact that nurse H was not an OB nurse and to me that explains why she was so defensive, that she really did not understand the danger Peter was in and that if LS had been able to talk to someone who was actually competent, Peter would be alive today.

The rumors that Dr in Carson is spreading are not true and I have to remind myself of that. It's not our fault. Why can't I always remember that my labor did not really kick in till after LS had been on the phone, calling for help for quite a while. I mean, of course I remember it, but somehow the fact that someone planning a hospital birth would have had the same outcome had they been treated like we were gets pushed aside by all the accusations I think people are hurling at me. Everyone else has sudden onset amnesia when it comes to that fact too. At times I imagine myself screaming at someone who would try to accuse us. Why is everything my midwife's fault? Peter's death, the other 2 babies she's lost over the years, the hospital's incompetence, nukes in Iran, the price of oil... Is there anything that isn't her fault?

I actually had a conversation with a woman at bunko last month. (didn't feel like going this month) I expressed my frustration with the fact that we were treated so wrong in being questioned in the hospital, just a couple hours after Peter died. I wondered why Drs and their patients are not treated the same and you know what her logic was? She said that there was a fictional book written about a midwife who lied about a client's death! That was her excuse for why we were suspect. Don't get me wrong, she wasn't excusing the behaviour of the sheriff's detective and how wrong it was for them to question me while I sat in my hospital bed, holding my dead son. But she was using it to possibly explain the reason for all the suspicion. She's normally such a nice lady and her argument made no sense, so I didn't even challenge her on it.

Sometimes I wish LS had just said "screw them, we're taking you anyway.", but how could she have anticipated we'd be turned away, and in such an urgent situation? Of course it threw her for a loop. It sure threw us. That's why we called Lyndee for prayer help. I told her right there that we were being brushed aside. I just don't understand why that information was not passed along to people at church. Only Elizabeth and maybe Marie seem to understand what really happened. They know we were hated and Peter was essentially murdered simply because we wanted a home birth.

Hmm, this does not seem to be unfolding as a pregnancy journal entry, but rather, a vent about what happened with Peter. That's what happens with anniversaries though. Peter would have been 8mos old today. I went to the June '06 birth board to see the pics of babies that would be Peter's age. Why do I do things like that to myself? The babies were huge. They didn't look like little babies anymore, but Peter still does. His pictures make him look so small. I know he was a big boy. 8lbs 2oz is good sized. He just looks so small compared to our hands. I even aske DH a few nights ago if Peter was really that small and DH said no, it was the camera angle.

I want to go to the cemetery today. Maybe i should get dressed and ask DH if he's too busy to get off early today. Maybe I still have a chance to go. I hope so.

Back to my pregnancy-

I'm feeling more confident right at this minute about this baby making it. That scares me a bit in some ways. I don't know how I'll react in labor. Will I be able to make it past the fear?

I've been afraid to get too excited about this baby though. I don't want to do that. I feel like i cheated Peter by doing that to him. Not only was I afraid of having another miscarriage, but I was afraid I wouldn't be able to handle one more child. That's so wrong. I don't want to do that to this baby, but I'm afraid to have my heart put through a meat grinder again too. Why can't I find a middle ground?

My pregnancy symptoms have started to return for the most part today. They'd been coming and going (mostly going) over the last few weeks. But today I'm very nauseous, extremely dizzy, not able to concentrate much at all, my bbs are tender. I feel queasy still after accidentally brushing one a little to hard on my bra snap. That was almost an hour ago, so that's a typical pregnancy symptom I haven't had yet.

I ordered 15 HPTs to keep testing. I talked to LS after I ordered them and she said it might be a good indicator of whether or not baby is still alive. DH was supposed to check his mailbox last night, but he forgot. I was afraid he was going to do that if he had them sent to his P.O. box. I'm obviously pretty moody too. Sad

Mmmm, I suddenly got a craving for a doughnut. Lol Not something I need to be eating right now.

Well, I think I'll get in the shower and call DH. See what his schedule looks like today. I think the cemetery is a long shot, but it won't happen if I don't try, will it?

Oh and here's the pg ticker I just replaced. Once again, for my own viewing pleasure. Lol

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8 weeks 4 days

Okay, looks like I'm stretching these journal entries out, but that's okay, I'll post as I feel like it.

So the spotting has been gone for several days, and m/s hit hard a few days ago, but seems to be fading again. I've been using HPTs too, but the lines are starting to fade. I didn't use one today, but maybe tomorrow or the next just to compare. I heard on one of my old email lists that hcg starts to fade btwn 10-12 weeks, but I'm not there yet. I just wish I could have and appt already so i know what's going on. I don't want to wait till the 19th.

I did start temping again after a 9 day break and so far my temps are still high. Maybe I miscalculated my O date? Then again, I got a BFN only 2 days before my first faint BFP, so I guess that's not likely. Sad I'm not doing much roaring here today, am I?

Maybe what I need to do is get going and get my mind off it.


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9 weeks 6 days

Well the spotting has been gone for 24 days now and I'm actually starting to feel pregnant. The m/s hasn't been really bad since those 2 days where all I wanted to do was sleep I was so sick. It's just enough to let me know it's there, but not enough to be really annoying. I've also got a few weapons. Sourpatch kids (I know, I know, candy is bad) work wonders. I wish I had some right now. Lol

I think I may have a UTI, or at least had one over the last few weeks. I'd had cloudy urine and sometimes my pee smelled funny. I'm trying to up my water intake but it's hard. I don't know why, the weather is much warmer, but I still can't seem to make myself drink enough. Maybe sipping on ice water will help, who knows?

Aaand, I have less than a week till my first appt!! I'm excited and scared all rolled into one. I'm so anxious to hear the heartbeat, but so afraid of what my reaction will be once this pregnancy becomes so real.

Ugh! Some foolio neighbor is smoking outside. I'm already very nauseous. Why can't they just pollute their own house? Lol Angry pregnant hormones make me want to go out there and throw some water on them because they're smoking. Lol '

Hopefully I'll be back with good news after my appt on Monday.


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18 weeks even

Hmmmm, I posted a journal entry a few days ago, but apparently I messed up somehow and didn't send. Lol That's perfectly okay, I was really cranky and said a few nasty things, so I'm glad it didn't stick.

Well, I had my 2nd appt with LS and it went very well. I'd been feeling down and needing to talk to someone who actually understands me and doesn't think I'm crazy. It was so good to talk to LS. I even got a good cry in. We both shared some personal stuff with each other. Unfortunately, we lost track of time and kept talking into the next appt. and I even stayed for probably another 30-40 minutes and talked to them. I discovered the next client was Nancy. She's a doula and taught the childbirth class at Dave and Monica's house at the lake. I wonder how little Kai is doing. He was born about 3 weeks before Peter. We haven't bumped into them with Kai since they brought us flowers and pie a few days after Peter was born. They're really nice people.

Anyway, I hope Nancy wasn't mad at me for taking up most of her appt too.

Baby's heartbeat was 160. LS found him/her just off to the right of my belly button. My uterus is measuring right on. LS is awesome. As she was preparing to feel around for my uterus and listen with the doppler, she placed her hands over the baby and said something like "this baby will sit nice and low". She said God hears us when we speak words over our children and that God heard what she said.

LS also asked me if I was feeling movement every day. When I was there, I said no, but now that I'm really thinking about it and paying attention, I have been feeling little kicks, pokes and rolls every day since then. Smile

Oh! My friend Diana just emailed me to tell me she's pregnant! I'm so excited for her. I wanted her to have one more baby that she gets to keep. Her baby girl died last Sept at 6 mos of age, so her heart is still hurting so much. She'd told me she was trying to get pregnant, but was worried it wouldn't happen. I was praying for her, thanking God for another chance to have a healthy baby. A good birth and a good experience this time. I'm praying for that for both of us. And for peace for our families.

I'm sorta dreading mother's day. I'm afraid to be sad that I'm missing one of my babies after we got so close, but I'm trying to distract myself. We're going to put together a little gift bag for Brandy, a single mom at church. My plan was to sneak it to her boys so they could give it to her, but we're going camping this weekend for Natalie's birthday, so we're not going to be at church. Not sure how we're going to do this now. Maybe we can give it to Maureen to give to the boys?

Well, that's it for now.

Baby I love you! I'm praying for health and safety for you. Grow baby, big and strong. Your family is waiting to meet you. Smile


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22 weeks 5 days

I'm starting to feel big now. Lol my last appt with LS was on June 5th and baby's heartbeat was 160 again. I'm feeling so much movement! Baby hates it when I sleep on my side and kicks at the bed. He/she even kicked at 'Lijah's leg once when he fell asleep with his leg on me.

I've been trying to get DH to feel the baby's movements. I've felt them with my hands before but he hasn't had any luck...until today! Biggrin

Unfortunately I've got blood sugar that's on the high side. LS tested me at my last visit because there were ketones (sp?) in my urine. It was at 131 about an hour after I ate lunch which was a hamburger and fries. I guess I shouldn't be surprised with the way I eat and how much I love carbs. I'm going to have to make some lifestyle changes. We also did a 3hr self test. I tested my BS upon waking, an hour after eating a carb-loaded breakfast, and then two more times an hour apart. I started off @ 94, went to 131, 109, then ended at 93. She said it wasn't to the diabetic point but definitely on the high side so we need to look at my diet. I'm going to have to write down everything I eat for a week. I think I'll start a new post and do that here.

Oh and my leg veins hurt and look really ugly on the right side. Oh well!

DH finally told his parents about the baby a couple of weeks ago. FIL said they already suspected but he wouldn't say why. Maybe because MIL is constantly asking me about my diet and I had to tell her I'd quit going to weight watchers. Who knows. Then last week, apparently she called BIL and let him know she's not happy about me being pregnant again. I'm supposed to just let that roll of my back. Like a dang 'ol duck. :duckie: :raspberry1: How does someone go about doing that anyway? In over 15 years I haven't figured it out yet. Hopefully some day. :cry:

Well, I guess that's it for now.

Baby, daddy felt you move today! I've been trying to get him to feel you move because you're a strong little one and i knew if he'd just be patient enough, he'd feel your kicks. Tonight I was lying on my side and I could feel you wiggling around in there with my hands so I made dad get up and come over. He felt you move twice!! He was a little sad though because he's scared that you'll be a lucky baby just like Peter and get to skip this world. We want you to be an unlucky baby and hang out with us for a while, okay? I love you! Keep growing big and strong. - Mom.

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Food journal


Small handful of almonds
Small handful of trail mix -both eaten while making breakfast because i was so hungry
3/4 of a Cheesy Fritatta
Ingredients: 2 eggs, chopped onions, zucchini, tomatoes, fresh basil, nature's seasons, cottage cheese, ff half and half, mixed shredded cheese on top.

Falafel pita- it was huge, I ate about 3/4 of it. It had falafels, lettuce, sprouts, cucumbers, mushrooms & Tzaziki sauce.
Pretzel sticks
1/2 (8oz) vitamin water - I was dying of thirst and waiting for water to filter.

A few bites of salad, but something about it started to make me nauseous so I stopped eating it.
Chocolate Smoothie
Ingredients- frozen banana, 1 large handful of raw almonds, 1tbsp raw carob powder, 1 tbsp cocoa nibs, 1 cup rice milk, flax seeds, 1 tsp spirulina, 2 tsp raw coconut oil, 2 tsp tahini. I had about 8oz of it.
Snacked on pretzel sticks and trail mix.

About 2-3oz of unsweetend cranberry juice diluted with about 12oz water


1 Banana sliced and sprinkled with about 1/2 cup of cold cereal
Rice milk

1/2 PB&Banana sandwich drizzled w/raw honey
1/3 cup grapes
1/3 cup trail mix
Pretzel sticks.... okay I'm starting to see a trend here. I'm waiting too long to eat, then snacking on carbs while preparing my food because I'm hungry. Sad

1 slice meatloaf
Mashed potatoes

O.J. with Green Miracle powder

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Oops! I forgot my roar for the day. This is a high and lofty goal, but in the Tahoe summer ladies study, we're doing the Excellent Wife book and study guide. This verse popped into my head when DH was looking sad after feeling baby kick tonight.

Who can find a virtuous wife?
For her worth is far above rubies. Proverbs 31:10

The footnote says virtuous means- literally a wife of valor, in the sense of all forms of excellence.

I looked up valor in Webster's dictionary and it said- boldness or determination in facing danger.

I think there are times when he needs me to be brave for him too.

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Food Journal-

1 Scrambled Egg
2 Blueberry Pecan pancakes w/ syrup on the side to dip
O.J. w/ Green Miracle powder

1 Apple
1 Tortilla - I don't know, I just wanted some bread with my lunch but didn't have any
While heating up lunch I snacked on corn chips and trail mix. Sad

Indian Lentils and Rice:
Brown rice
olive oil
chicken broth
garlic powder
a dollop of plain f/f yogurt on top
salad-baby greens
baby carrots

6/13/07 Wed

A handful of raw almonds
1/2 a grapefruit

Turkey sandwich with
lettuce avocado
white cheddar popcorn
fruit salad-
grapes cantaloup

Shanghai Grilled Tofu:
low sodium soy sauce
vegetable oil
white vinegar
salt & pepper
Brown rice

6/14/07 Thursday

A handful of raw almonds

Blueberry smoothie:
frozen banana
coconut oil
flax seeds
raw almonds
rice milk

Leftover Lentils and Rice in a burrito
Corn Tortilla Chips
O.J. w/ Green Miracle powder

choc chip cookie

Pasta primavera:
pasta shells
lightly steamed broccoli & carrots
diced orange bell pepper
diced red onion
canned corn
olive oil
chopped provalone cheese
Green Salad

Choc Chip Cookie - I know I'm bad. We baked a batch.

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Food Journal

6/15/07 Friday

A handful of raw almonds
1/2 Grapefruit

Scrambled Egg Burrito (I got hungry again)

Lentil and Rice Burrito
Baby Carrots
Choc Chip Cookie

Hungarian Hamburger Steaks:
Cole Slaw
Baby Carrots

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Whew! Made it through the IL visit w/o too much trouble. MIL did ask more than once if LS says the baby is okay.

FIL got sick with the stomach flu yesterday so I hope we don't get it. I've been taking a GSE/echinacea blend so hopefully that'll keep it away, but Elijah was the one hugged and kissed the most by FIL and echinacea will do him no good and he can't swallow a capsule and there's no way he'll take GSE liquid. Heck, I don't know if I could swallow that stuff right now, it's so nasty.

Since FIL got sick, they left early this morning w/o calling us. I hope they made it home w/o too many problems. I also forgot to give MIL the flyer to the hospice grandparents' support group in IL's area. I was hoping MIL would learn something about grief and how not to add to your children's burdens if she 'd just go to it. Maybe I'll email her about it. I don't know.

I also got stuck sitting with her at lunch on Sat. I told her about the 2 girls in this area who were paralyzed by the cervical cancer vaccine. I hope she got it and told SIL to protect her DD against the shot. All you can do is pass along the info. They have to decide.

Well, here's my food journal for sat. It was not a good day for eating since the ILs were coming and we had to rush around and all that.

Food Journal
6/16/07 Saturday

A handful of raw almonds

A handful of grapes

Falafel pita w/ Tzaziki sauce
Small Bag of baked Lay's
Diluted lemonade

Chinese food Sad
Paper wrapped chicken
Wonton soup
fried rice
mongolian beef
orange chicken
Chicken chowmein

This was a family-style meal so I didn't serve myself a whole lot. No seconds.

So I'm glad we finally have our home back to ourselves.

sweetpetunia's picture
Last seen: 4 years 8 months ago
Joined: 08/31/06
Posts: 76

23 weeks 6 days

Not much new to add I was just up early and wanted to make an entry.

I survived jury duty yesterday. Thankfully I was dismissed as one of the 10 lucky ones who didn't have to serve. Unfortunately, all the sitting and stress caused a sciatica problem. I forgot to spray my muscle stuff on last night before going to bed so I'm still in lots of pain this morning. That was just silly of me!

I did end up emailing MIL about her questions on the weekend. I reminded her about the support group meeting but she ignored me again. I do hope I got through with her on reinforcing the facts about home birth and that the hospital and EMS workers were at fault for Peter's death, not LS.

Peter's birthday is tomorrow and I'm actually feeling okay about it at the moment. Since LS is wanting to come to the cemetery with us tomorrow, I'll probably be okay till tomorrow night.

I read a very interesting chapter in Elisabeth Elliot's book A Path Through Suffering-
"Open hands should characterize the soul's attitude toward God- open to receive what He wants to give, open to give back what He wants to take. Acceptance of the will of God means relinquishment of our own. If our hands are full of our own plans, there isn't room to receive His...."

Wow, that's startling, isn't it? We've got to be willing to give (Peter) or take (accusation, investigation) anything He puts in our hands so He can mature and shape us. That's a hard pill to swallow. But He didn't ask us to go through anything He hasn't gone through himself, has He? Elisabeth Elliot quoted Hebrews 2:14-18. But in reading it, the whole chapter applies-

THEREFORE we must give the more earnest heed to the things we have heard, lest we drift away.

For if the word spoken through angels proved steadfast, and every transgression and disobedience received a just reward,

how shall we escape if we neglect so great a salvation, which at the first began to be spoken by the Lord, and was confirmed to us by those who heard Him,

God also bearing witness both with signs and wonders, with various miracles, and gifts of the Holy Spirit, according to His own will?

For He has not put the world to come, of which we speak, in subjection to angels.

But one testified in a certain place, saying:

"What is man that You are mindful of him,
Or the son of man that You take care of him?

You have made him a little lower than the angels;
You have crowned him with glory and honor,
And set him over the works of Your hands.

You have put all things in subjection under his feet."

For in that He put all in subjection under him, He left nothing that is not put under him. But now we do not yet see all things put under him.

But we see Jesus, who was made a little lower than the angels, for the suffering of death crowned with glory and honor, that He, by the grace of God, might taste death for everyone.

For it was fitting for Him, for whom are all things and by whom are all things, in bringing many sons to glory, to make the captain of their salvation perfect through sufferings.

For both He who sanctifies and those who are being sanctified are all of one, for which reason He is not ashamed to call them brethren,


"I will declare Your name to My brethren;
In the midst of the assembly I will sing praise to You."

And again:

"I will put My trust in Him."

And again:

"Here am I and the children whom God has given Me."

Inasmuch then as the children have partaken of flesh and blood, He Himself likewise shared in the same, that through death He might destroy him who had the power of death, that is, the devil,

and release those who through fear of death were all their lifetime subject to bondage.

For indeed He does not give aid to angels, but He does give aid to the seed of Abraham.

Therefore, in all things He had to be made like His brethren, that He might be a merciful and faithful High Priest in things pertaining to God, to make propitiation for the sins of the people.

For in that He Himself has suffered, being tempted, He is able to aid those who are tempted.

sweetpetunia's picture
Last seen: 4 years 8 months ago
Joined: 08/31/06
Posts: 76

28 weeks 4 days

Yet another month has gone by.

I'd started to fear that I was having twins. Having 2 babies would have been a blessing of course, but the birth would have been so stressful for us! The thought just kept popping into my head- what if there are two of them in there? This is quite an active baby that moves around a lot, poking me in different spots and then moving and poking me again. Then when my sister visited a few weeks ago, she asked me if I was having twins. She joked- one for me and one for her. Lol Then a woman from ladies' study asked if she could pray for me and the baby. Needing all the prayer I can get, I said 'yes!'. She prayed and kept saying things about me that were true, but what's wierd is I don't know her! I just met her that day. Then afterward she asked if we have twins in our family and i said no.

After measuring me at my appt today, LS said we're not having twins. I measured 28 weeks exactly. So there was both dissapointment and relief.

I did have ketones in my urine though, so that was bad. My guess is it's because I'm dehydrated. The girls had VBS last week and it was hectic and stressful constantly running around all week. I didn't get enough water and it's been soooo hot. That wouldn't be so bad if we had central air, but we don't. In fact I'm feeling quite dry right now so I'm off to get some water as soon as I'm done here.

My blood sugar was good this morning- 94

My iron was high, but since LS only tested my iron for the first time last month, she said it was something to keep an eye on, but not as alarming as we had originally thought. She was going to send me in for another liver panel, just like last time with Peter, but once she realized it had only been a month since the last iron test, she said we'd keep an eye on it but no need to send me out for testing. I'll just have to go back in 2 weeks for the blood sugar test and iron test. We can do both of these at her house. Smile

Baby's HR was 147. I believe last month it was 140.

Baby is completely sideways with his/her head pointed to my left, butt and legs on my right and facing down.

I do have to keep watching my diet. LS told me I have to drink water only or unsweetened herbal tea like red raspberry leaf. No juices or other sweetened beverages whatsoever. Sad That means I've got to choke down my green powder in water! I hope I can survive. Last time I tried that I threw up. :puke:

Well, I should go. LS said the best thing for me to do is exercise, so I think I'm going to do my prenatal belly dancing video. Lol Looks funny, but hey, it gets me moving and it's not too hard to do.

Oh, I forgot to say I started taking swim lessons and water exercise classes at the swim center. I think I'm going to stop the swim lessons. The kid that teaches them is nice and all, but he pushes me too hard. I'm not sure, but I don't think he realizes I'm pregnant. :oops: I guess I should have told him, huh? I figured anyone would be able to tell by now. Guess I'm fatter than I think I am and the kid is too polite to come out and ask me straight out. :oops: Anyway, It'll cost me less to swim laps and now that I've got the breathing part down okay I can just do it at my own pace or I could just use a kickboard. The exercise classes, however are lots of fun so I'm going to keep doing those. I feel so good afterward and my legs aren't killing me like they do after a short exercise video here at home.

Off to drink my water!

sweetpetunia's picture
Last seen: 4 years 8 months ago
Joined: 08/31/06
Posts: 76

28 weeks 5 days

Just a quick check in. I ended up not doing my belly dance DVD last night. Time got away from me and DH and the girls came home. I don't like to do it when they're here because the girls just sit and stare at me and DH usually giggles and mimics me when I'm doing a new workout. I'm too self concious to endure that so I'd rather wait till they're out of the house. DS is too little. He just tries to work out with me or stands in front of me and counts like he's my mini personal trainer. Lol I guess it's never too early to start thinking about a career, huh? I think, even at 3yrs old, he'd make a good one. Biggrin

I've had 6 glasses of water today. And I'm thirsty again so I'm going right now to pour myself #s 7&8.

Okay I'm back. Smile I'll just close by saying my mom ordered me some D-Mannose. It's supposed to get rid of urinary tract infections but the wierd thing is it's a sugar so I'm not sure how well that's gonna work. It says it's safe during pregnancy and for diabetics so it won't mess up my blood sugar. Now I just have to run it by LS. The strange thing is LS hasn't said anything to me at all about a UTI showing up in my urine samples so maybe it's really really mild. I'm not in pain or anything, but my pee smells funny at times. I haven't noticed that it's cloudy anymore so maybe it is getting continually milder. I'd rather have it gone completely though so it doesn't cause any problems. I'm a little freaked out by the chance of going into labor early. I know that's unlikely for me, but....

Well, DH is home and he brought us some tasty salad and fruit for dinner so I'd better get going.

sweetpetunia's picture
Last seen: 4 years 8 months ago
Joined: 08/31/06
Posts: 76

30 weeks even

Well it's hot today, just like it's been for the past month almost! At least it's only going to hit 92 or so instead of 99 like yesterday. I went to the swim center for an exercise class last night and it felt soooo good to cool off in the pool. It even got a little windy as the sun started to near the mountains but it wasn't so cold I had to rush in and get dressed.

My heart feels heavy today. The last few days I'd been feeling a bit sad over Peter and now I'm hurting for my friend Kelly. Her beautiful boy's Heaven day was yesterday. I feel so awful that I can't make her feel better. I just want her pain to go away but I know I don't have the power to do that and I feel so helpless about it. :cry:

Well, if I keep talking about it I'm going to get too depressed so I'd better stop.

I need to go do some schoolwork with the girls. We got some library books that look like they're going to be fun to read.

Oh! I got my d-mannose yesterday and started taking it. I'm feeling nauseous. I wonder if that's what's causing it or if i'm just having hormone issues again? LS says she thinks I'm going to have an easy birth. I hope she's right. I had my easy birth last time too though, but look what happened. Sad Well, all I can do is keep going. Nothing's going to change tomorrow so no point in worrying about it today.

Matthew 6:34- "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."

Joshua 1:9- "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go."

sweetpetunia's picture
Last seen: 4 years 8 months ago
Joined: 08/31/06
Posts: 76

30 weeks 5 days

Went to see LS yesterday. She went ahead and did a full appt. I guess she was too distracted to remember I was only going to get my finger poked. I was more than okay with that though. I like to know how baby's doing. We got to hear hiccups. Lol it was very cute.

Baby is currently head down. Just a few minutes ago, baby had hiccups again and I could feel them low and right in the middle instead of against my hip. I hope that means baby is getting comfy in a good position and not off to the side and high like Peter.

I think she said baby's HR was 158. She didn't say what I was measuring, but my BP is great as usual. Blood glucose was only 76! Biggrin :woohoo: I wonder if it's because I've been taking Xango? That's supposed to be great for blood sugar. And I've been exercising a lot at the pool. I love the water exercise classes. Wonderful for cooling off in the insane, still heat we'd been having.

Thankfully it's cooled off over the last couple of days. I actually had to close the sliding door last night and even after covering up with a sheet, 'Lijah and I were still cold. That nutsy boy was freezing, but he hates to be covered up. I got up and went out to the kitchen for some water and was hoping DH would come to bed with me and help warm us up, but he stayed on his beloved couch. :roll:

I've got bunco tonight but I almost don't want to go. I really don't want to see 2 of the regulars. One is so gossipy and the other is so pro-hospital because her DIL works there. I guess I should just ignore them both. It's not my fault the DIL works at one of the crappiest hospitals on the planet. I just wish the 3 crappiest were not all here. We don't have any other choices.

So that brings me to the news. LS had another death to deal with. 2 in just over a year. Her DH wants her to quit being a MW and he's so angry he won't even talk to her. He thinks she's putting the family through too much stress. I would be so upset if she quit. She's the only hope for someone like me to have a VBAC. Otherwise I'd have to go to one of those awful hospitals. I'd have no other choice but to be sliced open again and probably have another baby with breathing problems and who knows what else?

Of course, LS is being blamed for the baby's death. Personally, I think everything points to a respiratory therapist blowing the baby's lungs out, but they'll never admit that of course. It's much more convenient (and with much less liability) to put on a witch hunt and blame the midwife. The Drs even started spreading rumors around the valley and the lake that LS has babies that die. How dare they? How dare they use Peter for their own agenda. I'm so angry with them over that. I feel like writing a letter to the editor in the local paper threatening to sue them if they try twisting what really happened to my baby to slander LS. The truth is they don't even know what really happened because all the Drs refuse to talk to LS after a hospital transfer.

How can these idiots kill and/or injure babies, botch surgeries, lie about it, blame it on LS and get away with it time and time again? I feel like throwing an absolute fit in public but would that do me any good? I don't know. Probably not.

There are several Psalms about God defending the oppressed. Here's one:

Psalm 9
To the Chief Musician. To the tune of "Death of the Son." A Psalm of David.
I WILL praise You, O LORD, with my whole heart;

I will tell of all Your marvelous works.

I will be glad and rejoice in You;
I will sing praise to Your name, O Most High.

When my enemies turn back,
They shall fall and perish at Your presence.

For You have maintained my right and my cause;
You sat on the throne judging in righteousness.

You have rebuked the nations,
You have destroyed the wicked;
You have blotted out their name forever and ever.

O enemy, destructions are finished forever!
And you have destroyed cities;
Even their memory has perished.

But the LORD shall endure forever;
He has prepared His throne for judgment.

He shall judge the world in righteousness,
And He shall administer judgment for the peoples in uprightness.

The LORD also will be a refuge for the oppressed,
A refuge in times of trouble.

And those who know Your name will put their trust in You;
For You, LORD, have not forsaken those who seek You.

Sing praises to the LORD, who dwells in Zion!
Declare His deeds among the people.

When He avenges blood, He remembers them;
He does not forget the cry of the humble.

Have mercy on me, O LORD!
Consider my trouble from those who hate me,
You who lift me up from the gates of death,

That I may tell of all Your praise
In the gates of the daughter of Zion.
I will rejoice in Your salvation.

The nations have sunk down in the pit which they made;
In the net which they hid, their own foot is caught.

The LORD is known by the judgment He executes;
The wicked is snared in the work of his own hands.
Meditation. Selah

The wicked shall be turned into hell,
And all the nations that forget God.

For the needy shall not always be forgotten;
The expectation of the poor shall not perish forever.

Arise, O LORD,
Do not let man prevail;
Let the nations be judged in Your sight.

Put them in fear, O LORD,
That the nations may know themselves to be but men.

sweetpetunia's picture
Last seen: 4 years 8 months ago
Joined: 08/31/06
Posts: 76

33 weeks even

Only 7 weeks to go! Or maybe 9. Lol

I'm feeling better over the whole thing with LS. I asked for help on the ICAN list and got some good replies. One had several links, some to help LS and some with ideas on how to support your MW in times like this. One suggested awareness campaigns. I think that's a wonderful idea. I'm going to copy that article and pass it out to all the other mothers I know who have given birth with LS in attendance. I plan on writing a letter to the editor thanking LS publicly, not only for her excellent care, but for the sacrafices she makes for her mothers and babies and I'm going to encourage everyone else to do the same.

I'm thinking I may sign up to do a library display on midwifery. I'll have to have DH and DD#1 help me with that since they have great ideas and are very tallented in that sort of thing.

I still don't know how to go about writing the letter to the OB spreading lies. I get so angry when I think about it, I'm wondering if it would be best to just leave it alone until I can get my emotions under control. I also need to talk to LS first so that I'm sure we're not violating any HIPPA laws. I really don't think that would be the case of course, but I just want to be sure not to get her in trouble.

On the baby front-
I'm beginning to nest. I'm stressing about the house not being clean and our diaper situation. Thankfully Mama sent me some baby spending money. I tithed on it so it hasn't slipped out of my hands and it seems to be lasting very well. I bought a ton of cloth diapers that were just sitting there in the box. I couldn't bring myself to wash them or get rid of the receipts, just in case they had to be sent back. However, when the nesting kicked in, I panicked and washed everything. I only have one wash left for the 2 dozen newest prefolds. I was able to use Peter's unused dozen. It was sad pulling them out of my drawer and going through his things. I only cried a little bit. I got a little sad after putting them in the dryer too.

But, it's all done and I'm less stressed.

Now to clear out the stinking black widows! EEEEeeeekkk!!! They're INSIDE the house! They must have come in with the wood last winter. I guess since it was so warm this year, we didn't use the wood very fast and it sat there, giving them time to come out and nest. I'm not about to have the place sprayed with toxic chemicals. Widows are resistant to them anyway so it probably wouldn't do any good. But I don't want my babies around widows either! What to do??????

I guess all we can do is vaccum all the webs, hunt them and their egg sacs down and kill them whenever we see them. Sad I hate that I'm so scared of spiders, widows especially. Even Peter had widows! I went to pick up his flowers and stuff at the cemetery last Wednesday and there was a small black widow in the hole for his vase! Aaargh! Thankfully it either left when I flipped the vase down or it fell in the water at the bottom of the hole and drowned. Either way when we went to put Peter's flowers back on Saturday, DH hunted down a little spider in the hole and smooshed it. (My hero! lol.)

I have started doing Flylady AGAIN. lol. This is my 4th attempt. (or is it my 5th?) I'm forcing my mom to do it with me so I have an accountability partner. lol. But she's not very enthusiastic about it. She does think it's funny when I read something to her from Flylady and it's like Flylady has been spying on her. lol. So maybe that will rope her in. I just know I need to get my house in shape... #1 because it's my job and for so many other reasons. I also get a little frustrated hearing about the things my mom loses over and over again and all the clutter she has. I've been telling her for years she needs Flylady but she doesn't listen. She bought the book a year or 2 ago and never read it because "it didn't interest" her. Oy! I did get her to start reading it again. She may have quit, but at least I got her to read some.

Right now there's lots of turmoil going on in my sister's family so they've been staying with my mom. It got really ugly last night so my sister left and went back home to stay in the dark with no phone and no electricity. It was a bad situation but hopefully it'll be a wake-up call for my BIL.

Anyway, maybe now my mom can get back on track with Flylady and so can I.

Oh! I forgot to say I was having lots of contractions.... Saturday night I think? DH invited me to go to the park with them while they practiced for soccer. Of course, I had no one to help me with 'Lijah so he had me supporting his weight as he went across the monkey bars several times, then he got stuck on one of the ladder/climbing thingies there. I'm guessing that's what made the contractions kick in since I didn't do much else different that day. Thanfully they went away and I haven't had them that close together since. I did get a few extra squeezes after getting stuck with 'Lijah at the park again last night while DH went to the BMX track but that wasn't nearly so bad. Most of the stuff at that park he can get on and off of by himself.

Only 4 more weeks till baby is considered full term so if I can stay away from parks till then, we should be fine, I hope. I also hope baby starts to settle down low so we don't need that intense u/s in 4 weeks either.

I guess that's it for now. My next appt with LS is on Sept 4th. That's grandpa's b-day. I'm glad he's finally Home in Heaven and no longer suffering, but I miss his sillyness sometimes.

sweetpetunia's picture
Last seen: 4 years 8 months ago
Joined: 08/31/06
Posts: 76

38 weeks even

We had a great appt on the 12th. It was our home visit. LS said the baby was very cooperative and his/her head is very low.

We also discussed our wishes for how the birth should go. DH didn't have any suggestions but I reminded him that he wanted to catch and he looked very sad when I said it. He said, "yeah, I'd like to do that if it's possible." He's still very upset over the fact that he was "robbed" of catching Peter. I think it made it worse when I told him about how the Dr was hurting me after Peter's birth. He never heard me crying out in pain. He was too focused on Peter.

LS also made sure it was okay that she wanted to ask Kristen to come to the birth. Kristen was LS's doula/helper when E.J. was born and she remembers his birth. She loved the worship music we played during his birth. I still remember there were times that she and LS were singing along with the CD. I really liked that and was helped so much when I was feeling desperate and LS read my scripture cards out loud. She was also able to calm me down at other times when I panicked by getting my attention and telling me to calm down. She did the same after Peter's birth when I was shaking uncontrollably. She reminded me that it had happened last time and that it was okay.

I think I'm going to like having Kristen here. I was a little worried because during E.J.'s birth, she was urging me to push and I didn't really like that. I ended up with a big nasty tear and I was afraid to be coached to push again, but LS said that she would tell Kristen we want a quiet, calm, serene birth this time around. She says that Kristen is a great prayer warrior. I know we need someone like that this time around.

Sometimes I feel contractions and almost a bulge down below, somewhat like my water might be about to break and I get scared and the feeling goes away. I'm afraid I'm going to delay this baby's arrival because of my fear. I don't want to do that. I want this baby to get here safely and quickly, not have a difficult birth because the baby has grown too big or because I'm having trouble relaxing my body to let the baby out because of my fear. I really need to dig into my Bible and get some reassurance.

So... now we're down to weekly appts. At my last one on Tuesday, LS said the baby has moved down even further. She was having trouble telling where the baby's head stopped and my pubic bone began. She also said the baby's head is really pressing on my bladder. I could've told her that. Lol She's very much comforted by the fact that baby is soooo much lower than Peter was.

She didn't do a vaginal exam this time. I would've had her do one if it would've given her more reassurance but she said we'd had such a great outcome from the last one that it wasn't necessary. Oh, I forgot to say she did a vag exam at our home visit and that she could feel baby's head fairly easily. She never got to that point with Peter.

My BP has been great, no more ketones in my urine and I only gained 1 lb and I was wearing jeans too! Biggrin

We'll I've gotta go, I'll try to update more later.

sweetpetunia's picture
Last seen: 4 years 8 months ago
Joined: 08/31/06
Posts: 76

Baby Genevieve is here! I'll come back to update when i can.