Thread: So many emotions...so few confidants

I found out I was pregnant for the first time about two weeks ago. It is nearly impossible to describe the range of emotions I went through that day. But for posterity, here goes.
I knew before I even looked at the two pink lines that I was pregnant. But still looking at the test sent a wave of disbelief through my body. I knew that the chance of a false negative test was low, but I decided that I was going to test again just to make sure. That's when this all was confirmed. I couldn't helped being slightly in awe. I have something living inside of me. I have always wanted to have children, many children in fact, but I was not expecting this to happen now.
I am 20 years old and half way through getting my college degree. My fiance is in the military, so I have probably seen him a total of 2 weeks since November, but somehow, our little miracle happened. I haven't told him yet, I am kind of scared actually. We had all kinds of plans made for our lives together. I was going to finish school and then we were going to have a nice big wedding and then I would go live with him on his base in Arizona and hopefully find a job. We wanted to enjoy our marriage for at least a few years before we started expanding our little family. But God had better ideas for me. I heard the saying once that if you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans. So okay this wasn't in my plans, but I know it was supposed to happen.
I haven't actually told anyone yet. I know that once I am able to tell him, his family will be thrilled. They have always talked about us having them some grandbabies. We have been together for 4 years. But my family, won't be as excited. I am hoping that they will warm up to the idea eventually. But they have certain plans for me. Go to college, graduate, get a job, and then think about getting married and having a family. I have always respected their ideas, but things happen. I know they could have been prevented, and we did everything in our power to prevent it. We had one night together one oportunity to get pregnant and it happened.
But on a different note, my pregnancy seems to be going pretty smoothly. I gave up smoking as soon as I found out, and it was a lot eaiser than I thought it would be. Giving up caffiene was actually more difficult for me. And I'm not really having any symptoms yet. My boobs have definitely grown, but aren't really sore yet, and I am more tired than usual. But other than that I feel normal. Nervous, happy, excited, anxious and scared, but normal.

Newest symptom: insomnia. I don't think the pregnancy is entirely to blame however. Last week I was sleeping so wonderful because I was exhausted, 9-10 hours a night and loving every minute of it. But I got some bad news yesterday, and I think that is what kept me up last night.
Since I am still a full time student in college, I am covered by my parents insurance as a dependent. According to there plan however, I have no maternity coverage. I had my first appointment scheduled and everything, and they called me right after a big exam to inform me that my insurance wouldn't cover it. I was in shock when I found out the price of all the medical attention recquired prenatel.
I was orriginally going to wait until the end of the first trimester to tell everyone. My fiance will no before then obviously, but I don't want to tell my family sooner than necessary. There is still a chance that something could happen(nothing will God willing) and I don't want to upset them for no reason. But I am definitely going to have to tell them sooner than that so I can get my first doc appointment scheduled.
This is what always happens in any slightly difficult scenario. I find out the news blow it completly out of proportion because i think I know how everyone is going to react to the news, and then I finally tell them, and everything is fine. This might be slightly different however, which definitly makes me more worried then usual. Who am I trying to kid, I am a natural born worrier, so not being worried would be unusual. Well that's all I have for now. I'm going to try to sleep somemorw before class.

6 weeks 1 day
Yesterday my family came over to my parents house to celebrate memorial day. I was a lot more reserved than I usually am because I knew that i had a big secret. But I still enjoyed myself alot. My aunt just had a baby in early march and I couldn't stay away from him. As soon as some one got tired of holding him I was right there to pick him up and take over for awhile. Holding him, talking to him, and looking into those sweet innocent eyes almost made me cry so many times. I know now, even stronger than before, that I am in love with my child already. It is going to cause some problems for me, with school and my parents. But it is such a blessing. I can't believe how lucky I am, and that in less then 8 months I am going to be holding, talking to and looking into the sweet innocent eyes of my own child. The party certainly put a different perspective on this whole thing for me. Well I have a lot of school work to catch up on. More later.

7 weeks
I really thought I was going to be one of the lucky ones who made it through with out morning sickness, but about 2 days ago it hit me like a ton of bricks. So far I haven't actually gotten sick, but I have been confined to the coach almost entirely, because I know if I move I will lose it. But I am feeling a lot better this morning, so maybe it is passing already. I sure hope so anyway.
For the first couple weeks after I found out I was pregnant, I was completly name obsessed, but that finally passed. I think because I finally came to a decision for my boy or girls name. I'm not getting my hopes up yet, because Phil is very picky.
When I first found out I was pregnant, it didn't seem very real. I did everything I was supposed to anyway, I quit smoking and started taking vitamins, but it wasn't real. It was happening to someone else not me. Then the following week, when I took another test, it became real, and that is when all of the panic set in. How will I finish school? How should I tell my parents? What will they say/do? But now, I am not quite as worried about that, and with the morning sickness, this is definitly real. I am more of less sitting back and enjoying the changes that are taking place. I know that no one else can tell yet, but I do see a slight difference in my belly. I can't believe that I am being put in charge of the well being of this tiny thing for the these next seven months, and then for the next 18-21 years or more. This is truly an amazing experience, and even though it is going to be hard, especially these next few months when i break the news to everyone, I couldn't have asked for a sweeter gift.

15 weeks 2 days

It has been a really long time since I have been on here to write. Everything has been going fine. I'm still not really sleeping well, but I guess that is just getting me prepared for not sleeping very much after the baby is born. I have a doctors appointment on August 15th, and they said I would probably be able to find out wheter I am having a boy or a girl by then. I really, really wanted to have a girl, because I am the only girl grandchild on either side of my family. There is way too much testosterone in my family! But I decided yesterday, that I don't care. I will just be happy with a healthy happy baby. My fiance really wants a boy. He even has a name picked out for the baby already. Everytime we talk on the phone he asks how is little JP doing (for Jayson Phillip). I don't completly agree with the name, because I have known 2 jason's, and have not gotten along well with any of them. Plus, he wants to call the baby Jay for a nickname, but Phil's middle name is Jay, and everyone calls him Jay, so I just think it would be confusing. If I have a girl I won't have to worry about having that discussion. But Phil will probably agree with me eventually anyways, he usually gives into me after awhile. Well that's about all I have for an up date, nothing has really changed with my pregnancy. Still haven't gained any weight, still down the 13 pounds, but I am finally starting to get my appetite back so who knows. I'll find out at my next appointment.