those were my first thoughts and words when i looked down at the pregnancy test about four weeks ago. i hadn't been feeling well for weeks before...all the signs were there, the nausea, the swollen sore boobs, implantation bleeding. i thought they were all signs of a real bad period coming on since those are all period symptoms for me anyway. but i should have known better because all the symptoms were exaggerated now. nope...i was pregnant. very, very pregnant.
my boyfriend, to say the least, was shocked. i didn't know what to do so i called my mom right away. she was happy. she told me to make an appointment with the doctor right away which i did. nine million blood tests, urine tests, and an ultrasound later, i have a healthy little "mushroom" that is growing inside my belly.
i didn't know what to think. am i ready for this? i just got out of an icky marriage less than two years ago. don't get me wrong, now i'm with the man of my dreams and i wanted to have children with him anyway....but i'm broke. shouldn't we have planned this 'cause this baby was definitely NOT planned. i need to move back home to chicago. i'm stuck at a job i can't stand because i need the insurance. i want to feel happy and excited but i can't because i'm knackered all the time.
i want this baby...we both want this baby. we already love it. i'm happy, yet i'm not. does that even make any sense?
you know what i miss? the ability to do simple things like wash my hair, sort the laundry, go out to a nice cafe and sit and read a book.
the smell of shampoo makes me gag. now i'll have to spend a day sniffing different shampoos at whole foods trying to find one that won't make me heave.
none of my jeans fit me now. yeah, gone our my days of sporting tight rock and roll trousers. i had to go out and by pregnancy jeans. not so upset about that...but i am upset that i can't even get to the laundromat to wash them because i can barely move as exhausted as i am.
went to the tea room with the boyfriend this morning...tried to enjoy it, but got car sick on the drive there, inhaled what breakfast i could, only to come back home and fall asleep again for another four hours...even though i had a full night's sleep last night.
i can't even go to the salon to get my hair done, or get my eyebrows and lip waxed 'cause i'm too tired to get there. on top of my pregnancy symptoms (which are really, really, really getting on my f**cking nerves now), my b.s. nine to five job wears me out so on the weekends all i can do is barely move out of bed.
and let's not forget that all i do is f**cking eat nowadays. god, really, i go through almost $20 worth of groceries a day. i eat fruit and veggies and bread and stew like there is no tomorrow. and an hour later i'm still hungry! i have a million pre-natal vitamins to take. half my paycheck goes to the landlord the other half to trader joes and quantum labs.
i can't enjoy these beautiful summer days here in socal 'cause being out in the sun too long makes me sick.
i want to go to the f**cking beach! i want to take care of myself the way i used to! i want to wash my f**cking clothes!
i want to be real excited about having this baby, i really do....but mother nature is making it really hard.
this kid better be the second coming 'cause for real, it's dragging me down. my hat's off to all those women out there who have more than one child 'cause god knows once i have this baby that's it. i'm not putting myself through this again.
oh and my doctor, she's a riot...."oh it's only the first trimester that you'll feel this way. in a few weeks time you'll be feeling sexy again."
hmmm...yes. either develop the ability to fast forward time or shove it. nobody wants to hear how "wonderful" it's all going to be when you feel like s**t.
so i just got word today that my boyfriend lost his one source of money we were hoping we could get.
this is going to be a long one, but here we go...
my boyfriend is from the UK. he is a director of films and television and did a lot of work for the BBC...including winning one of their higher awards for short film. needless to say the man is pretty smart and pretty talented. he went from absolutely nothing to the top of his game in the UK.
anyway, he ended up dating an american girl for a while and eventually married her, which is what brought him to the states. they were married for about five years when one day she decided she had enough of married life (she was cheating on him with some guy from her work) and left him. she left him with the responsibility of a house, a mortgage, and a dog.
my boyfriend was working for a medical company at the time as an A/V tech (audio visual technician) about two hours outside of los angeles. he was just doing the usual tech support stuff in the beginning. when his wife left, she refused to make mortgage payments and he could not afford the payments on his own so the house defaulted and he had to leave.
this is when i met him. i was gigging in a band and he came out to one of my shows and that is how we met (story for another time though).
he moved closer to los angeles to get away from the house that now held horrible memories for him (plus he wanted to be closer to the music scene we found ourselves working in), but it was further from his job. it made the commute a b**ch but he had no other choice into finding affordable housing.
anyway, during all this time his company found out that he was a director and asked him to begin making documentary videos for the company. he would still get his hourly wage, but at least he could work from home during certain months of the year and get full overtime, benefits, etc. his company adored the work he did and year after year asked him to do the videos, which he did.
this year after completing the videos, we moved in together here in L.A (that's where my job was located and i had no choice in moving further because my only means of transportation is the bus. i have no car.). he quit the job because he was now living two hours away from his company and the cost of driving and the commute was not worth his hourly wage to go hook up a printer. (when my boyfriend wasn't doing the videos he was at work just being tech support).
but the company said that if they were going to go through with the videos next year that they would call my boyfriend to run that and that they would employ him as a freelancer.
well my boyfriend got a call from one of the people he used to work with. they hired a full on video director for these films...and it wasn't my boyfriend.
needless to say we both feel really sad about it all. my boyfriend isn't employed at the moment. it's been really hard for him to find work (this economy is cack anyway). we were really hoping that the company were going to call him.
we are running out of money as i'm the only working income. plus we're having this baby, plus we needed that money to move. it all seems like one big f**k up now.
on the plus side, today is the first day i'm not nauseous.
received a letter from my mom (remember those things....letters?). she sent me some pictures (there's another thing people don't get much of anymore) with photos of our new condo in chicago.
maybe i should explain...
back when i was married (oh sooooo long ago!) my husband at the time and i lived in a condo in chicago. i had put a down payment on it and my parents helped us out, but for all intensive purposes that condo was in my name and my name only (smart move on my part in hindsight). when my then husband and i moved to california, i signed over the condo to my parents for them to do with it as they wished.
they sold the condo, found a better one a few doors away, and bought that one with the money they received from the sale of the first condo. they've been using it as a second home since.
well now that i want to move back, they say boyfriend and baby and i can move in (provided we pay rent of course...and that only seems fair). it's a beautiful place right near the lakefront in the city. i can't wait to go back. i want to get the f**k out of L.A sooooo bad!
and more good news...day two of no nausea. might i actually be over it??? i'll keep my fingers crossed that i've finally made it past the 8 week nightmare.
in case you don't know it, i f**cking hate being pregnant. over it. tired of it. going slowly insane because of it. want this baby more than anything...so godd*amn sick of the process...
once again, if i have to hear from my mother how wonderful her pregnancy was, i'm going to scream.
just when i thought i was feeling better *WHAM*, here comes nausea again, bringing with it it's good friend lethargy. and it's a good thing that they've come on again full force, just in case i enjoyed that entire week of lessening symptoms.
i have to go to work. i don't have the means to be able to stay home. i keep f**cking up at work so bad. i forget things all the time, am half asleep all the time, and by 6pm i have such a screaming headache i don't know what to do. life is miserable right now.
dear baby, please help your mommy out. she just wants to take care of you and love you and have you. she's trying as best she can.
dear mother nature, why are you such a ruthless b*tch? why do you have to give women such awful symptoms when they are trying to carry and support new life? wtf is your problem?
one of these days i'll have a happy pregnancy post....i hope.
so i had my second appointment today. all was well with me and baby. boyfriend and i got to hear baby's heartbeat, which was really exciting! and the doctor said that baby's heartbeat is strong, so everything seems to be going as planned. so yeah, finally some positivity.
there was only one *little* thing. the doctor told me that my blood type is Rh negative. there is a chance that my baby is Rh positive (i have no idea what blood type my boyfriend is but i'm sure it's positive 'cause i couldn't be so lucky) but if baby and i mix blood, there's a chance my body might try to reject the baby.
so the doctor wants to give me these rhogam shots. one shot three months before the baby is due and one shot after. now i don't care about needles or pain, but i do care about what goes into my body. and a shot made out of human hemoglobin? i just don't know enough about it.
i'm going to call my doctor and talk to her more in depth about it, since i feel so nervous and rushed out of the doctor's office every time. why oh why can't i afford a midwife?
btw, i hate my motherf**cking job and the fact that i keep getting warnings from my boss 'cause i keep f**cking up 'cause i'm pregnant and exhausted and sick 99% of the time.