someone that isn't me needs to clean the toilet..
My first thought for the day, I thought it was an appropriate title for my first trimester. I'm sure I'll change it at some point.
I can't even believe that I'm doing another pregnancy journal. This is crazy.
My prevailing thought of course is, please let me see one heartbeat. I'll relax a bit if we do an ultrasound and make sure. Not that I've actually made my appointment or anything, but when I do go I'd like an ultrasound.
I really don't think that I'm having multiples again, I'm nowhere near as tired or sick as I was with them, but I'm also only like 6 weeks.
At first it was like a bad joke with no punchline. I remember thinking, man I really think I'm pregnant. We just know these things and I have learned over the years to just trust my intuition. However, I didn't really want to believe it either. I found myself talking to my friends eventually saying "You know I really think I'm pregnant, but I don't want to test." I didn't. For some reason, even if you know inside that you're pregnant, you don't have to behave or follow the rules, or plan for the future, or worry about the issues with having another. Basically it's like you're not pregnant.
Finally I couldn't avoid the issue any more. I decided to get the cheapest tests available. So I went to the dollar store. I guess I didn't expect the cheap tests to show anything. I guessed wrong. It took a whole 3 seconds for me to see those two lines. So here I am in the bathroom staring at this piece of plastic that, in my opinion at the time, just told me that I've screwed myself and my 3 children. I even remember saying out loud "Oh GOD what have I done."
I sat on the toilet next to the sink and cried for a while, it was the only chance to do so alone. M was sleeping, and the kids were in the living room. I felt so alone despite having about 4 people in the house with me.
I decided too bad if he only just now FINALLY got to go to bed after working overnights, I walked in there and sat next to him.
"I tested" I said and I handed him the test.
"Um, just checking.. what's pregnant again?"
I cried again. In the background, our daughter was in the living room doing her scream for attention thing so I went and got her, and brought her back. She was being so sweet and cute, all smiles and perfect. Calm as ever, M basically said we'll find a way, we always do. We wanted one more anyway just not for a bit.
I felt robbed. I wanted SO much to wait, then *try* to get pregnant (I'm sure we'd have to try for 5 minutes but that's not the point) then make a big old happy announcement to the whole world.. I felt like I had that moment taken away from me.
In frustration I cried again.
After so much deliberation, I posted online about our news. I knew that the girls would help me get to the place I need to be. I had hesitated so long, because of our financial situation, and the fact that we JUST had two babies. But in the end, my need to hear words of encouragement from my friends overshadowed the expected, and delivered, negative comments.
It helped a lot to see so many women who were excited FOR me. People who really knew that I have what we need to raise another baby. I got to a place where maybe it wasn't so bad.
So here I am, I have a great dad by my side and we have little money, a car that's too small, a house that's too small.. but 9 months to prepare and get the things we need. I'm sure telling his family will be hard, but I've decided that I will not allow negativity about it in our family. If you don't have anything nice to say, shut up. I have my collection of witty retorts for those I encounter who can't. We're going to celebrate this baby, dammit...