My first thought for the day, I thought it was an appropriate title for my first trimester. I'm sure I'll change it at some point.
I can't even believe that I'm doing another pregnancy journal. This is crazy.
My prevailing thought of course is, please let me see one heartbeat. I'll relax a bit if we do an ultrasound and make sure. Not that I've actually made my appointment or anything, but when I do go I'd like an ultrasound.
I really don't think that I'm having multiples again, I'm nowhere near as tired or sick as I was with them, but I'm also only like 6 weeks.
At first it was like a bad joke with no punchline. I remember thinking, man I really think I'm pregnant. We just know these things and I have learned over the years to just trust my intuition. However, I didn't really want to believe it either. I found myself talking to my friends eventually saying "You know I really think I'm pregnant, but I don't want to test." I didn't. For some reason, even if you know inside that you're pregnant, you don't have to behave or follow the rules, or plan for the future, or worry about the issues with having another. Basically it's like you're not pregnant.
Finally I couldn't avoid the issue any more. I decided to get the cheapest tests available. So I went to the dollar store. I guess I didn't expect the cheap tests to show anything. I guessed wrong. It took a whole 3 seconds for me to see those two lines. So here I am in the bathroom staring at this piece of plastic that, in my opinion at the time, just told me that I've screwed myself and my 3 children. I even remember saying out loud "Oh GOD what have I done."
I sat on the toilet next to the sink and cried for a while, it was the only chance to do so alone. M was sleeping, and the kids were in the living room. I felt so alone despite having about 4 people in the house with me.
I decided too bad if he only just now FINALLY got to go to bed after working overnights, I walked in there and sat next to him.
"I tested" I said and I handed him the test.
"Um, just checking.. what's pregnant again?"
I cried again. In the background, our daughter was in the living room doing her scream for attention thing so I went and got her, and brought her back. She was being so sweet and cute, all smiles and perfect. Calm as ever, M basically said we'll find a way, we always do. We wanted one more anyway just not for a bit.
I felt robbed. I wanted SO much to wait, then *try* to get pregnant (I'm sure we'd have to try for 5 minutes but that's not the point) then make a big old happy announcement to the whole world.. I felt like I had that moment taken away from me.
In frustration I cried again.
After so much deliberation, I posted online about our news. I knew that the girls would help me get to the place I need to be. I had hesitated so long, because of our financial situation, and the fact that we JUST had two babies. But in the end, my need to hear words of encouragement from my friends overshadowed the expected, and delivered, negative comments.
It helped a lot to see so many women who were excited FOR me. People who really knew that I have what we need to raise another baby. I got to a place where maybe it wasn't so bad.
So here I am, I have a great dad by my side and we have little money, a car that's too small, a house that's too small.. but 9 months to prepare and get the things we need. I'm sure telling his family will be hard, but I've decided that I will not allow negativity about it in our family. If you don't have anything nice to say, shut up. I have my collection of witty retorts for those I encounter who can't. We're going to celebrate this baby, dammit...
Thanks Asha! I'm glad to see you back around. How's sweet little Gabby treating mama?
Thanks for the wishes ladies (love you too chims!)
My stomach is a little iffy today but nothing terrible. I'm just so hungry all the time. I am always thinking of food. I woke up at 5am to eat. I'm craving chinese so bad I can smell it. Of course bf isn't nearly as hungry as I am.
I just finished a peach, hopefully that will tide me over.
The hunger concerns me because of course I was starving with the twins. I will be able to just enjoy the pregnancy as soon as I know how many I'm having.
I'm getting close, I am looking forward to smelling that new baby smell again, and feeling a baby root for you when you hold them, or that tiny newborn cry. I have bad days, where I don't think I can do it. How could I possibly. Bathtime and bedtime is going to be insane, and my big boy gets neglected so bad as it is, I can't imagine later. With him starting school soon I need to be sure to keep up on his laundry and grooming, not like I have been.
Man I'm starving so much!! I think I'll just have to say forget it and go get the chinese food myself
oh the chinese was a BAD idea!!! I felt so sick after.. it tasted wonderful but it didn't agree with me at all.
Today's a good day though. I was slightly icky when I first woke up. then I got better and I'm wrapping up my time on here and going to go play more with my babies
Since everyone's posting in here, I'm going to be a follower and do it too. I am so sorry you're feeling sick - I HATE morning sickness!!!! Arrrgghhh!!! I used to have regular cravings for chinese food at the beginning too! Maybe it's a boy this time.
On another note, didja get my PM? Didja, didja?? :P
oh my gosh my stomach. Welcome to the world of TMI...
I can NOT seem to be normal from either end. I'm either throwing up, or have the worst diarrhea I've ever had. I'm sure it's not a stomach flu since it's been going on since I got my BFP. I'm sure it's not the dairy because I've had a massive dairy aversion for 2 weeks now. I'm getting lots of fluids and eating lots and keeping 99% of it down so I know I'm fine but I wish it would stop.
Yesterday was bad mommy day for me. I was either yelling at my big boy or ignoring my little babies while I laid on the couch. Finally around 2pm I couldn't take it any more. The babies and my big boy had been so whiny all day which is what I blamed my bad attitude on, and I woke up my bf crying and asked him to get up and I went to bed. My boy came and laid down with me and we took a nice nap together.
Today has been much better.. I even managed to clean my bathroom. There's nothing worse than puking in a stinky dirty bathroom. I've done one load of laundry that I can hang on my back porch to dry (blankets) and now I'll put in another that will need the use of the (eep) dryer.. which will raise the temp of my house by about 5 degrees. I try to avoid it but my laundry basket can't even hold all my clothes any more. I need to do something.
I have an interview at a couple of retail jobs that offer benefits at part time. I won't accept a position unless they have some benefit info for me, as that will be the ONLY reason I'm working.
The paycheck will be nice too though.
Ooh and I had a cup of coffee today, AND kept it down. YAY. It was yummy too.
I had an impromptu appointment at the midwife's. I was having some pain and at the advice of a few friends I went and got checked for possible ectopic pregnancy. I didn't have one, but I did see ONE baby!!! A singleton! dance with me now... yehaw!
Then I felt a bit guilty for being happy for just one.
I also realized I had no emotions regarding this baby. There was a cute blip, with a happy heartbeat.. and I didn't get emotional AT all. Again I felt guilty.
Everyone at the office including my midwife had a good laugh at my situation. I did too. Nobody expected to see me this soon. I hope I get a good insurance company that will cover my care so I can see her.
My actual appointment is on the 20th of august.