Wow, has it really been so long since my last entry? What happened to my 4th month of pregnancy? Oh, I remember, the morning sickness vanished, the weather cooled off, my son started school and I have felt wonderful. Yep, I'm finally feeling really good about this pregnancy. I look pregnant, especially when I wear snug fitting clothes. I'm slowly getting back into exercising. So far, I've only put on 5-7 lbs, but I have a feeling that I'm going to start gaining more wieght in the next couple of weeks. Surprisingly this pregnancy is very similar to the pregnancy with my son. Well, for the past month anyway. I'm carrying the same way; low and all belly in the front. Although, Evan's teacher did comment that I seem to be getting "wider." But, with Evan my hips spread 2 inches by the time I delivered him.
Yesterday I was at the playground talking to another mother. She was sharing her horrible labor and delivery experience. Basically 26 hours of labor, all sorts of complications and finally an emergency C-section. Yikes, pretty intense stuff. With Evan I had a very easy and quick labor and delivery. 8.5 hours from start to finish with only 15 minutes of pushing. To be honest the whole experience was a bit anti-climatic. Yep, I totally lucked out. Naturally I hope for a similar birth experience with JellyBean.
As far as we can tell, JellyBean is doing just fine in her/his little world. Growing right on target, heartbeat was 146 at 16 wks. and I've been feeling movement since 14 weeks.
I'm watching "White Oleander" right now. I read the book this past summer, during my 2 ww actually. This past week I have had moments where I have felt like Ingrid Magnussen. Basically, I haven't felt like the best mother this week. I have lacked patience with my son. I had some bloodwork done a week ago. With my son I developed Gestational Diabetes during my last trimester. To catch it earlier this time I had to have the GTT test at 20 wks. The nurse called with the results this past Tuesday. Right now I am boarderline diabetic and I'm also anemic. Anemic huh? That's a first for me. But it does explain why I have been slowing down during these past three weeks. I'm in the middle of my second trimester, this is when I should be bursting with energy. Instead I've been tired, impatient and doubting myself as a mother. I just haven't felt good. I dont want to be a controling mother. This isn't just my life anymore. I now live with a man who is building his childhood memories with me. How will Evan remember me and his childhood? I want him to remember me as a beautiful, independent smart woman who chose to stay at home with him because I truely enjoyed his company. I don't want him to see me as his father's wife. Just some mindless woman who was content to devote her life to housewifery. I can't even imagine having two children in my life, although JellyBean is alive and well in his/her little secret world in my body. I'm halfway through this pregnancy. I have been wearing maternity clothes for a month now. I have felt movement since 14 weeks. We had "the big ultrasound" a week ago and Jelly looked great. I never forget that I'm pregnant, I just forget that it will no longer be just me and Evan. He's breaking away from me though. I first noticed it 2 months ago. He's happier playing with other children on the playground. On Tue. and Thur. mornings he has nursery school. On Wed. he has gymnastics. He even has a puppy-crush on his gymnastics teacher. Oh, he's still my little buddy, he's just not tied to my apron strings anymore. I want him to grow up though. He's not meant to be a young child forever. He's a man who is just living his childhood right now, building his foundation of his life. In 4/5 months he's going to have a sibling.
What has/is motherhood doing to me? Yes, right now I'm brimming with pregnancy hormones that tends to make my emotional life messy, but not always in a bad way. In an intense way. I feel things more. I'm almost ready for this pregnancy to be over just so I don't feel everything so much. That's not fair to JellyBean though. He/she needs a mother that will try to cherish every stage in his/her life, including pregnancy. While I was pregnant with Evan, my main focus was on the physical part of pregnancy. With Jelly, this pregnancy seems much more emotional. I know that this will be my last pregnancy.
I don't want either of my children to just feel like my shadow. I want them to walk next to me, sharing their own opinions with me whether we agree or not. "My children." Feels strange to think in plural now, especially since Jelly still has a bit more cooking to do before his/her birthday. But already Jelly depends on me to take care of him/her.
I'm exhausted. Time to take my vitamins and iron pills and go to bed. We "fall back" tonight. An extra hour of sleep. This past month has been stressful, but it's almost over. Good thing since it's starting to wear me down. Time to focus on the small things in life again. Ha, easy to say with NaNo just 7 days away. I'm glad Evan is such a good child though. Usually, if we do have a criss-cross day, it's more from my issues than his. I just feel overwhelmed with this whole world sometimes. Social relationships, motherhood, money, ect.....just gets me down sometimes.
(something new I'm starting)
Books read this week:
"The Color Purple"
At most I have 18 weeks left of this pregnancy. I childishly feel like that's a lifetime. It will go by fast though. I have to start updating this diary on a weekly basis for myself. Both my body and my thoughts are going to grow bigger as JellyBean enters the last trimester.
I started my 6th month of pregnancy today. Wow, that really snuck up on me. So I'm 6 months pregnant, the last month of the "golden second trimester." I've been on the iron pills for almost a week now and I can already tell the difference. More energy, but I still tire out easily. Tonight while I was preparing dinner I began have menstrual like cramps. This has happened 3 times before. I'm not sure if they're BH or not. While I was in labor with Evan my contractions just felt like intense menstrual cramps. After dinner I sat in the tub for an hour and felt better after that. My next dr. appt. is in 2 weeks. I'll have to remember to ask the doctor about the cramps.
I'm due to give birth in 100 days. Actually, it's 100 days until my due date. I may go early, I may go late. Once I hit the 36 weeks mark, I'll just be prepared to give birth at any time during the next 5 weeks. I'm entering my favorite part of pregnancy. Sure, the second trimester is fun, but it's during the third trimester that I really begin to connect to the baby. I also start to focus on the upcoming birth and the baby preporations. The second trimester seems to be more about me. That's when my body really takes on the pregnant form and I really begin to feel positve about the pregnany. I take a lot of time to reflect on myself and what I want to accomplish before the baby arrives. I can feel myself slowly leaving that phase now and moving on to focusing on the baby rather than myself.