well ill start out alittle about myself before i start this journal..
my name is kim i was 17 this march and im 19 weeks pregnate. i am vietnamese and live in Australia. i havent had the best in life. its been a rollercoaster in the last 3 years. i went through a cocaine addiction for 4 years and only recently got over it in November, 2003. i was kicked out when i was barely 16 and left to stuggle paying rent and working whilst supporting my addiction. when i finally mad emense with my parents i was convinced that moving to a different state where no one knew me and my families history, to start afresh may i say, was the best, only to find myself alone again.
After quiting my addiction to cocaine and obtaining a well payig job i found myself enough money to go overseas to retreat from my reality and reflect on life and what was to become of me, its weird because few years ago when i started high school everyone had high expectactions of me; finishing school going to university and being someone significent in society. but i looked at myself and found i failed myself, was it because i expected everything that my family/friends moulded me to want or was it because i didnt reali know what i wanted.
soon after coming back home i moved interstate, left my friends, extended family and all that i found familiar in hope that my parents promise to start a clean slate would give me a chance to again forfill that expectation. Nothing changed, my mother, my father and myself, same people, same issue, no resolution and coping with change at the same time.
Soon after moving to this new place i met nice people who took me out and cheered me up, made me forget about my problems and well we just went out to have fun like any other teenager would do, but none that i had a real conection to, none that could understand why i was the person i was, why i was different.
i finally met Vu, and now to be husband. He understood me because he did have that broken life that i had, he did go through a drug addiction and he did feel isolated and different because of his past. we confided in each other finding that we'd laugh and cry over our experiances. we conected in a level that i felt i was speaking to myself and we both felt like we werent alone. we started dating and well soon after i found out i was pregnate.
i was at first in denial, i didnt know what to do, vu was very supportive and wanted this baby like anything. As for myself, i didnt know. i didnt question my relationship, but if i was to make a good mother if i was ready. all these questions running through my head, tearing me apart. Was i too young? Was i ready? Will i make a good mother? What will my child think of me? Could i support him/her? Im still a child myself, how am i supposed to mother a baby when i still am one? i felt alone, because i couldnt tell my partner because i didnt want us to make a decision out of him feeling guilty. It was i very frightening experiance but one im sure that most mothers to be, especially when not planned, go through.
All that confusion was cleared up due to two things. my grandmother past away and i seemed to be the last person to know but i remember when she was alive, as the eldest grandchild, she really want to see me get married and have children and watch them grow up. it was within reason that she felt she would be alive for that because she was only 67. And as much as i wanted to make her happy to see her little girl all grown up i regreted the fact that i knew and i didnt tell her and it was too late. i remembered how much life meant to me, her life, my life and this babies life. I also passed out knocking myself unconcious for an hour for no aparent reason, all i could remember was holding my stomache, crying and praying to god and to my grandmother to keep this baby safe.
After those few experiances i found myself back on track and wanting to become someone that my child would be proud of. my partner and i wanted to talk to our child when he/she was older and tell him/her about our bad experiances and how we managed to over come them. we wanted our child, as a teenager, to learn that we've been through it too and when we say "we know what you mean" or "we know what its like" we actually mean it.
After my first ultrasound we confronted Vu's mother and told her about my being pregnate. it was quite funny because she didnt react the way we pictured it to be, she didnt lecture us about it saying we were young and we didnt know how to support it, she didnt (alike most vietnamese parents) resent us for it or seemed angry, she smiled and made a joke of it saying we'd better start staying at home to save money to buy our kid napppies (dippers) and milk. Vu's father didnt take it any different, he'd smile whenever he saw us together and tell us to take extra precautions when we go out, all things within reason, like if your tired come home, eat more often, becareful when walking etc. As of that night when they found out, they went to the casino and were on a winning streak for a week =]. Anyways, myself, Vu and his parents just casually sat around the tv and spoke about the future and planning for the future with us.
I knew that i couldnt rely off social security money, so i managed to get myself a job at a law firm as a receptionist. I didnt get paid much but it was enough to save up for my child. my partner, vu, had a choice of finishing college or working and as much as he wanted to be the breadwinner, he was the only person to finish school and with finishing college could get a well paid job. We are financially quite luck as vu's parents are very supportive and in australia the government gives money to low income earners and a "baby bonus" of $3000 was introduced to encourage mothers to have more children to increase the population. we didnt have to worry about a car or a house to live in etc because vu's parents asked me to live with them and we would arrange for there to be a time where there would be someone at the house to look after the baby when it is born, enabling me to continue working and for vu to continue his studies.
All was good in regards to Vu's family, everyone was excited and ready with open arms to welcome in the newest member of the Nguyen family. in the state im living in at the moment there is a very small vietnamese comunity, all of which know each other and gossip. my mother went to the local groceries one day and was confronted by someone she didnt even know, and was asked about my pregnacy. i believed it would have come as a shock to her so naturally she confronted me about it. i told her the truth and the next day me and vu sat down to speak to my parents. my father seemed very calm and rational about it, we only spoke briefly. the following day we spoke again but this time it was only myself and my father. i couldnt believe how two faced he was, he didnt say anything in front of vu and seemed rational but alone speaking to him, something took over him, he seemed not to care about myself or the baby told me that they werent going to help and they didnt want to have anything to do with the baby nor me and that i was to pack my things and leave. And so i did that following night. i found myself going to the only place i felt welcome and apart of a family, where i and the baby were accepted. the next night both our parents sat down and spoke, my father was lying between his teeth. he said things that made vu and myself want to just walk out.. he kept on asking us questions which led us to believe that he wanted me to get an abortion. i myself am very much so against abortion and with my grandmothers recent passing it was a gift to us. my mother didnt say nothing much of it, she accepted it and spoke to me normally, she understood what i was feeling because she was 5 months pregnate with me when my parents were married.
well now its been a month since my parents found out, i dont speak to my father anymore and my mother seems very supportive. i moved in with Vu and his little brothers and parents are counting down the days until he/she is in the world.
and this here is the begining of my journey and hopefully adventerous journey through pregnancy, motherhood and my flourishing relationship with vu.