was it wanted or unwanted teen pregnancy.... my story
well ill start out alittle about myself before i start this journal..
my name is kim i was 17 this march and im 19 weeks pregnate. i am vietnamese and live in Australia. i havent had the best in life. its been a rollercoaster in the last 3 years. i went through a cocaine addiction for 4 years and only recently got over it in November, 2003. i was kicked out when i was barely 16 and left to stuggle paying rent and working whilst supporting my addiction. when i finally mad emense with my parents i was convinced that moving to a different state where no one knew me and my families history, to start afresh may i say, was the best, only to find myself alone again.
After quiting my addiction to cocaine and obtaining a well payig job i found myself enough money to go overseas to retreat from my reality and reflect on life and what was to become of me, its weird because few years ago when i started high school everyone had high expectactions of me; finishing school going to university and being someone significent in society. but i looked at myself and found i failed myself, was it because i expected everything that my family/friends moulded me to want or was it because i didnt reali know what i wanted.
soon after coming back home i moved interstate, left my friends, extended family and all that i found familiar in hope that my parents promise to start a clean slate would give me a chance to again forfill that expectation. Nothing changed, my mother, my father and myself, same people, same issue, no resolution and coping with change at the same time.
Soon after moving to this new place i met nice people who took me out and cheered me up, made me forget about my problems and well we just went out to have fun like any other teenager would do, but none that i had a real conection to, none that could understand why i was the person i was, why i was different.
i finally met Vu, and now to be husband. He understood me because he did have that broken life that i had, he did go through a drug addiction and he did feel isolated and different because of his past. we confided in each other finding that we'd laugh and cry over our experiances. we conected in a level that i felt i was speaking to myself and we both felt like we werent alone. we started dating and well soon after i found out i was pregnate.
i was at first in denial, i didnt know what to do, vu was very supportive and wanted this baby like anything. As for myself, i didnt know. i didnt question my relationship, but if i was to make a good mother if i was ready. all these questions running through my head, tearing me apart. Was i too young? Was i ready? Will i make a good mother? What will my child think of me? Could i support him/her? Im still a child myself, how am i supposed to mother a baby when i still am one? i felt alone, because i couldnt tell my partner because i didnt want us to make a decision out of him feeling guilty. It was i very frightening experiance but one im sure that most mothers to be, especially when not planned, go through.
All that confusion was cleared up due to two things. my grandmother past away and i seemed to be the last person to know but i remember when she was alive, as the eldest grandchild, she really want to see me get married and have children and watch them grow up. it was within reason that she felt she would be alive for that because she was only 67. And as much as i wanted to make her happy to see her little girl all grown up i regreted the fact that i knew and i didnt tell her and it was too late. i remembered how much life meant to me, her life, my life and this babies life. I also passed out knocking myself unconcious for an hour for no aparent reason, all i could remember was holding my stomache, crying and praying to god and to my grandmother to keep this baby safe.
After those few experiances i found myself back on track and wanting to become someone that my child would be proud of. my partner and i wanted to talk to our child when he/she was older and tell him/her about our bad experiances and how we managed to over come them. we wanted our child, as a teenager, to learn that we've been through it too and when we say "we know what you mean" or "we know what its like" we actually mean it.
After my first ultrasound we confronted Vu's mother and told her about my being pregnate. it was quite funny because she didnt react the way we pictured it to be, she didnt lecture us about it saying we were young and we didnt know how to support it, she didnt (alike most vietnamese parents) resent us for it or seemed angry, she smiled and made a joke of it saying we'd better start staying at home to save money to buy our kid napppies (dippers) and milk. Vu's father didnt take it any different, he'd smile whenever he saw us together and tell us to take extra precautions when we go out, all things within reason, like if your tired come home, eat more often, becareful when walking etc. As of that night when they found out, they went to the casino and were on a winning streak for a week =]. Anyways, myself, Vu and his parents just casually sat around the tv and spoke about the future and planning for the future with us.
I knew that i couldnt rely off social security money, so i managed to get myself a job at a law firm as a receptionist. I didnt get paid much but it was enough to save up for my child. my partner, vu, had a choice of finishing college or working and as much as he wanted to be the breadwinner, he was the only person to finish school and with finishing college could get a well paid job. We are financially quite luck as vu's parents are very supportive and in australia the government gives money to low income earners and a "baby bonus" of $3000 was introduced to encourage mothers to have more children to increase the population. we didnt have to worry about a car or a house to live in etc because vu's parents asked me to live with them and we would arrange for there to be a time where there would be someone at the house to look after the baby when it is born, enabling me to continue working and for vu to continue his studies.
All was good in regards to Vu's family, everyone was excited and ready with open arms to welcome in the newest member of the Nguyen family. in the state im living in at the moment there is a very small vietnamese comunity, all of which know each other and gossip. my mother went to the local groceries one day and was confronted by someone she didnt even know, and was asked about my pregnacy. i believed it would have come as a shock to her so naturally she confronted me about it. i told her the truth and the next day me and vu sat down to speak to my parents. my father seemed very calm and rational about it, we only spoke briefly. the following day we spoke again but this time it was only myself and my father. i couldnt believe how two faced he was, he didnt say anything in front of vu and seemed rational but alone speaking to him, something took over him, he seemed not to care about myself or the baby told me that they werent going to help and they didnt want to have anything to do with the baby nor me and that i was to pack my things and leave. And so i did that following night. i found myself going to the only place i felt welcome and apart of a family, where i and the baby were accepted. the next night both our parents sat down and spoke, my father was lying between his teeth. he said things that made vu and myself want to just walk out.. he kept on asking us questions which led us to believe that he wanted me to get an abortion. i myself am very much so against abortion and with my grandmothers recent passing it was a gift to us. my mother didnt say nothing much of it, she accepted it and spoke to me normally, she understood what i was feeling because she was 5 months pregnate with me when my parents were married.
well now its been a month since my parents found out, i dont speak to my father anymore and my mother seems very supportive. i moved in with Vu and his little brothers and parents are counting down the days until he/she is in the world.
and this here is the begining of my journey and hopefully adventerous journey through pregnancy, motherhood and my flourishing relationship with vu.
Looking back on things i never really expected to be a mother so young, but who does really, i couldnt picture myself as a mother and thats waht i guess alarmed me when i found out i was pregnant. Concidering everything ive gone through i was suprised that i was able to concieve a health baby, but i guess things change being pregnant gave me this whole other insight to life and living, it gave me so much more respect for my mother and her up bringings of me.
Telling my friends about my pregnancy i guess was a very hard thing to do because knowing these people all my life or for a signifigent time in it, i was scared of their judgments and their thoughts towards me. Ive only yet been able to tell a few of my close friends and they have been very supportive of my pregnancy and havent changed their opinions of me. It made me realise that if they will think differently they arent worth talking to. But for the people who accepted it i tend to put them in two groups one of which respect me more for it and guide me in the right direction with giving me the liberty of making my own decision, after all this is my child and my body who's to say what i can or can not do, plus im smart enough to do the right thing. And the other group which think im stupid and are telling me to do things left right and center and telling me to look after THEIR niece or THEIR nephew, i don't get it its MY SON/DAUGHTER , come on already and what makes it ridiculous is the fact that they are ordering me around like they know it all when most of them are my age or if not havent had their own kids. It REALLY ticks me off.
Recently i met my friend Minh's work mate John, very nice fellow. First time me and Vu met him we just thought he was like everyone else until the second time we met him. We were suprised because him and his Wife originally came from Adelaide, experiancing similar problems in the past as we did and they both have a beautiful 19month baby boy, Jaeden. It was enlightening speaking to the both of them because they were only 20. Lan, John's Wife seemed to understand what i was thinking, especially about people trying to bring up my baby because she went through it too. She tells me what happens and what to expect and tells me things i need to know and what to avoid and sugguest things i should do, coming from some one else i would have told them to f*** off but i seemed attentive and keen. We would often share meals together whilst John and Lan engaged us in stories about what happened when Lan was pregnant and the things her and John experianced whilst pregnant and also when Jaeden was born. It was comforting to know that theyve been there before and they know what they are talking about, it was different from what our parents would say because of coarse theyve been there before but we are a generation apart and its hard to understand their ideals of it when they were brought up in another country where their morals, values and traditions to raising a child were different. i found it great because i had someone to talk to who understood me to answer my queries which was very comforting because they where only 2/3 years older then us. It made me feel fortunate because me and vu had someone to help us through it, without making us feel uncomfortable.
But as i keep on saying Lan was a great person to relate to, she is Half Australian and half vietnamese making her understand how much pressure is put on a young mother and how cruel the Vietnamese community can get. Plus she is most probably the only female vietnamese person that i have been able to speak to on a personal base ever. I dont get along that well with female vietnamese people because i find them very "two faced" and snobby and judgmental and b*tchy and fake.. the list goes on.
Lately ive been having this fluttering feeling in my gut and from what i read on the internet it is the baby moving around. Im so excited that he/she is on its way and im so fascinated about what is going on inside me. Apartly now the ears are starting to develop and it can start hearing. i also heard it was important to talk to my belly because it can actually recognise my voice and start to see shadows of what it is like outside. Its soo cool and my partner is so excited too. Its cute vu rubs my belly in the morning and before we go to sleep and talks to the baby and kisses it. He is so excited that he will be a father.
As it comes closer and closer to the time we can determine the sex of the baby their are debates circling around our close friends and family whether or not it is a "doodle or fanny" (as vu's put it). He of coarse wants a boy, as for me i dont really care, as long as he or she comes out in one piece, im happy. Although id rather a girl because being close to jaeden he always manages to pee when Lan is changing his nappy (dipper) and makes a mess LOL. Vu's parents want a granddaughter like anything because i guess having three sons and mainly nephews it would be a delightful change but Vu being the eldest and the baby being the eldest and first grandchild vietnamese people prefer it to be a boy.. i dont care!!
Another day and more questions, thoughts, queries run through my mind. I feel so alone sometimes and I don't know why. I know what my partner will be there for me and I know I've got a support system but it’s hard to open up and say what I feel. I lay in bed yesterday night and Vu read my journal online. He told me it made him feel sad that I thought so negative, well not so much negative but so closed. He constantly reminded me that he will be there for me and that I’m not alone, but why do I feel this way.
Sometimes I go out and hang around people my age, I hear them jitter on about other pregnant teens, not knowing of my status, calling them *****s, ****s, stupid and irresponsible and I look at myself, am I what they generalize people in my predicament to be? I know that I’m not a lady of the night, I know that I am not a ****, I might have been irresponsible to not have protected myself from this but I don't regret it, I’m taking responsibility for my own actions. I love this baby to pieces and I work hard to find the money to support him/her and so does my bf. But why do people see me and generalize me. Am I minority of this group "teen pregnancy" that tries to do the right thing or is this the majority?
I know some instances of young mothers regretting having their children. I’ve seen some of them neglect and abuse their children because it "ruined their lives" and I ask myself will I be that way. It’s a weird question to ask myself in my current state of mind but it still does. After all everything thing seems to be going my way, what if the tables turn? What if I was put in a scenario where my bf left me and I had no one, no educational qualification, no home and not enough money to support myself let alone a child, would I still be so positive? Will I still be a good mother? Indeed I hope I will be and ill try my best to give my child the best in life but will I be able to hold myself together?
I must admit I was apart of that general society which looked down upon youths who had children. With my father being a traditionalist and narrow minded, and as for myself, he was my father I didn’t know any better then what he told me. My fathers best friend's daughter fell pregnant when she was 20 and she was put in that unfortunate circumstance where her boyfriend left her but her parents still took her I’m, after all it is their daughter and it is their grandson. But everyone knew that deep inside they resented her for it. Maiqua, my family friend was in a long relationship with a seemingly decent fellow, she went to Maquarie University studying psychology and worked at the casino part time to pay for Uni. On the day she gave birth to her baby girl, Vivian, she had an argument with her bf at my uncles house and broke up. From there she walked 4 hours home and her water broke, making her go to the hospital herself. I feel sorry for her because she was alone and it made a very large impact on her life, she began to be an alcoholic and a problem gambler and from uni she now works at a cheap restaurant which barely pays her enough to support her child. Although made my father have more consideration for young mothers it didn’t move him that much, even though my cousin in Vietnam gave birth at 17, he still had the stone cold idea that once you have a child at a young age, your potential for a future disappears.
It wasn’t until I got kicked out and lived in the real world that my narrow mind opened up. I learnt how to empathize with people and saw that the generalist that I had of different people where only based on a minute few. As much as I didn’t want to experience what it was like in the ‘real world’ under the circumstances I was put in, I am so grateful now that I have experienced what I did. I’ve learnt that it has made me a better person, I am more independent and appreciative of what I have now. I’ve learnt not to overlook the little things which make life so easy.
I feel so fortunate to be in a relationship with someone who cares for me so much and accepts me for who I am. When I am around Vu I feel like there is only me and him in the world and nothing can bring us down. I remember when we first had ideas that I was pregnant, how happy he was and excited he was. I personally didn’t expect him to be so accepting and so excited. A majority of girls I know who find themselves pregnant have boyfriends who give them money to have abortions because they aren’t ready to make a commitment with these girls.
I for one am very against abortion although I do have an idea whether it is ethically right or wrong. I believe that abortion in the first place is wrong but under different circumstances it can be seen as right; say for example a pregnancy due to rape. But I believe that every child should have quality of life and if the mother is to young and unfit to me a mother then it is in a sick sense right. Say for example I still was going through my drug habit, I’d rather go through the emotional trauma of an abortion and end my child’s life, then let it be born with an addiction and birth defects hence he/she will not have a happy and fulfilling life. I guess the idea of abortion isn’t right because we as people can not play god and says who will die and who will live but it takes a lot of sacrifice to make the best decision in regards to the mother and to the unborn baby. All is easier said then done though. Personally if, at present, I knew that my baby would be born with a defect and it would make life a struggle for him/her to stay alive, if there was a chance in a million that he/she would survive to se another day I’ll fight with the baby as much as it takes, even if it means giving up everything I’ve got to make it through. I guess you see things differently when experiencing it yourself. Honestly I’d give my own life for my child to live another day.
With my experiences in life I would never blame my parents for their parenting, it is said that ‘You shouldn’t blame the parents for a troublesome child because they are doing the best job they can do.’ And about to be a mother myself I finally see that it is true. I look back at the arguments and conflicts I had with my parents, and my bad experiences and I understand that what they told me, and how they tried to bring me up was only in my best interest. What made my life such a rollercoaster and so ‘bad’ wasn’t them. They didn’t want to see me like this, but it was me who made things happen. After all I made the decisions, I made the choices and only I can execute my choices. I guess even if you did have that rough upbringing and bad parents etc, we all had a choice, to be like them or to prove society wrong and become a useful tool to society.
i just received a messege today with someone commenting on my journal, i felt quite happy to recieve it and read what she had to say, actually i felt quiet enlightened and not so scared of what was to be of me. (sorry im making this vague by not putting a name to this person but im only doing it in her best interest) She told me that i wasn't alone and what i was thinking was normal. "she" being 27 with kids of her own saw that having a child in any circumstance was not a set back but a step towards the future, nothing i is lost that can't be regained when having children which made me think about this little human being inside of my tummy.
I also spoke to my close friend, Lan, this week and she told me that, in her own experiance, having jaeden only made her a better person. i sat here at work thinking about it for a couple hours, i looked at myself and what kind of a person i was when i didnt know i was pregnant. and the more i thought about it and reflected upon it the more i saw that she was right. Ever since i found out i've rekindled my ambition and motivation for life, i've tried so hard to make myself a mother that my child can be proud of, i've tried to make a living of what i do so i can give him/her the best in life.
Its so facinating this journey that im going through from an adolescent to a mature adult, from a child to a mother. i realise now how my own mother felt. they say that the only true unconditional love that exists is the love between mother and child and although he or she isnt here yet i feel it already to the point it puts me to tears. i know he/she is here and with me but i feel like im mising him/her. im so excited now that i can feel him/her moving around getin comfortable in my belly. i would give up anything and everything even if it means my own life for him/her but id rather live to love him/her.
anyways im out for the day, this is my most positive journal yet and i hope it stays that way
its been a couple of days since i wrote in this but well ive been busy with work and what not. i hate the fact people tell me what i should and shouldnt do in regards to my health and my baby. i know i shouldnt be smoking whilst pregnant. god im not that stupid that i need it to me told to me 70 times a day. im trying to quit like anything and have cut down to not even half a ciggie a day compared to a packet a day but i still get **** for it. its not like im not trying to do what is best but i dont want to go through withdrawal symptons and i dont what my child to be punished for going cold turkey. i do feel guilty for smoking i genuinely do but it doesnt help when people give me the sh*ts and tell me that im a bad person for it. i dont like people who havent got that experiance mothering me about it. god i can rip someones head of because of it. im over the drugs and alcholism people dont know it and they give me **** for grrrr....
anyways ive been noticing that my belly has been moving heaps its actually quite funny. id flex my stomach and let go and ud see the head roll from one end oh my belly to the next..
.. its me teenpregnancy..
decided to change me sn...
anyways its been a while since i wrote here.. hrmm where to start
i really got turned off and offended in another forum for just expressing my thoughts which really gave me the sh*ts because its a free place of speech and i got "dissed" for it.
I NOTE: IF U DONT WANT TO READ IT [DONT!!!!]
anyways... last week i had my u/s to find out whether it was a boy or girl.. everyone had their bets going.. ah ha and ITS A GIRL WoOO HoOoo well the person doing my scans was almost certain but there is that slight percent that it could be wrong.. i mean your only really certain when u see a penis between their legs LOL
im soo happy not because it came out my preferance (because even if it had a penis i would still love him none the less) BUT because i can stop calling her a him/her or "it"
now i can start buying baby furniture..
it was funny this weekend my bf was giving the "hint hint nudge nudge" about fathers day presents... and i told him he is quite a father yet.. and he chucked a soook... and said he wasnt going to give me a mothers day present cos im not a mother anymore.. he sat there for 5 whole minutes wondering why i was laughing.. buba will be born well before mothers day geheha..
since we know the sex of the buba me and my bf have come to the mutual agreement of naming her Jade Linh Khuu... hence keeping my surname.. after hours of arguing.. mainly about the bubas surname.. until he was silented by my argument that "Nguyen" is like the Vietnamese equivilent to "Smith" i love my partner and all.. but i am an anti conformist and being a woman i and having the privileges that i do now. i refuse to change my surname and be classified as "owned" if anything with equal rights why shouldnt he change his surname to mine.??
Plus i went to a pretty much a high school with half my classes surnames ending with "nguyen" and the constant confusion about the 3 Kim Nguyen that where in my grade... so i figured being a Khuu would make Jade DIFFERENT that a vietnamese baby had a rare chinese surname