What am I getting myself into????

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SoCaliLover's picture
Joined: 12/07/06
Posts: 1591
What am I getting myself into????


I'm Amy. I am 36 years old and expecting my fourth child, first baby. I have had a TTC journal for a long time that was great to vent in, I was so cautious to start a pregnancy journal -- not sure why -- I guess I didn't want to get my hopes up too much.

Here is a brief synopsis of me. I have a beautiful daughter -- turned 21 two nights ago (VERY scary). When I was a junior in college in Ohio, I became a foster parent -- nine kids over 1.5 years. Tiffany was my second. She was just turning 8 then. When her parental rights were terminated she was branded "unadoptable" because she was 9 by then and supposedly she was rettarded with an IQ of 60. So, sucker that I was, I adopted her. (BTW tiff has put me through ridiculous times but she is a sophomore at ASU now having graduated with honors from HS so NOT rettarded) [double tt to avoid censors since that wordis apparently 'off limits' here]

I moved to San Diego in 1996- ten days after the adoption, to start law school. Probably about 4 weeks after moving here, I had a maintenance problem at the apartments I was living at. I met the maintenance manager of the apartments, we became friends, then moved in together. Everything went pretty fast but I totally fell in love with Charley. That summer, his daughters (then 13 and 15) came from Washington where they lived with their mom to visit. Early the next year, they came back to live with us permanently. Adrienne and Ashley lived with us throughout HS until they became the first in their family to go and graduate from college. They are now 26 and almost 24.

In 2000, Charley proposed to me. Obviously I accepted :D. We started planning the wedding but then my mom was diagnosed with cancer. We put off the wedding so she could recover enough to travel to SD; then we had to put it off when she didn't recover.

My older brother, Andrew, has Downs Syndrome. In 1999 he moved to California to a group home to be near us as my parents were getting older. He has been part of our family ever since (and often is easier than the girls LOL)

We finally married on my moms birthday, 9/24/05. We had a beautiful memorable three week vacation in Europe when we discussed having a baby. We started trying a few months later -- to no avail.

In the interim, Tiffany got pregnant, was about to get married, and thankfully finally realized she was not ready to have a baby and put my grandchild up for adoption-- she is with a wonderful family and we get to see her a lot. This made the fact I couldn't have a child so much harder. We were going to start advanced fertility treatments but DH kept saying lets wait just a while longer.

In March, I found out I was pregnant. wow. I am now 12 weeks +

We had NTS testing last week and I saw the baby move. Everything said it was okay so I really am letting myself believe that I might have this little baby.

So that's me in a nutshell.

Peace out!

SoCaliLover's picture
Joined: 12/07/06
Posts: 1591

I haven't been good at keeping this journal, wonder why? Been busy been working, been sleeping.

But I have to have a place to vent about the last few days.

Friday afternoon I am at work. I go to the bathroom and noticed on the TP just a little color, nothing dramatic but light pink. I was a little worried but not much. Went home and rested, told DH about what was going on and then put myself on self imposed bed rest for the night. I actually went to be around 8:30. I had some cramps most of the night, not bad just light cramping but there was still some color on the TP.

Saturday morning, I wake up and sure enough, there was still color. Then I saw some mucus looking stuff that was BRIGHT red, again just a bit. I realized I needed to go to the doctor ASAP. I thought about going by myself because DH was still sleeping but decided to wait.

When he got up, I told him I should probably go to the Urgent Care, while he was in the shower, I called my medical group and talked to a RN on duty. She too said go to the Urgent Care asap.

I went. A Physician's Assistant came in and did an exam. She looked up and said I am sorry sweetie, it doesn't look good. I see Placenta leaking from your womb. She used the Doppler but there was no heartbeat. She said she would leave us alone for a bit and left -- she barely made it out before I started sobbing so hard. I cried and cried. They came in and took blood and told me that pretty soon I should start bleeding for the actual miscarriage. At fourteen weeks, my little baby was dead.

I cried the entire weekend. This was heartbreaking. I don't even know if I realized how much this pregnancy meant to me until they said it was over. Sunday I went out with DH and got almost wasted -- wine, beer. It was one of the most horrible days of my life.

Today -- Monday -- I didn't go to work. At 8 am, I called Sharp (the medical group) to get an appointment with my Ob-Gyn. I hadn't started to miscarry yet but obviously it was a matter of time.

I talked to this moron at the scheduling center. How can I help you. I went to Urgent Care Saturday, they told me I was having a miscarriage and I needed to follow up with my doc on Monday. Okay, so what was Urgent Care's conclusions? Uhhh-- I was having a miscarriage and I needed to follow up with my doc on Monday.

Finally moron gets off the phone and connects me with my Ob/Gyn nurse. My doc of course is on vacation all week. The other doc at the clinic was on call and not in the office. I needed to go STAT to get a blood test and she would call the doctor to see what to do. I got up and went to the blood test -- they would know from that if my hormones were falling. I already knew and was starting to accept that this baby was gone.

I had just gotten back from the Lab when she called again. Doctor wanted me to go to Triage at Mary Birch women's hospital. This is where I would have given birth if I made it that long. So I called DH who had promised to go with me (I just couldn't do this alone) I show up at triage and this nice nurse showed me into a room and said she would be doing an exam-- strip and put on a sheet. Then starts the waiting game -- an HOUR later she comes in to do some forms, turns out the doc from my clinic was coming down to do the exam herself.

She finally comes and does the physical exam. She presses on my uterus, looks in there etc. Then pulls out the ultrasound. Weirdly she looked at my husband and told him he could move closer to look. I didn't look, I just turned away and held his hand, not wanting to see what was left of our baby.

Short time later she announces well it all looks good. WTF??? What do you mean? well here's the baby, kicking and moving, heartbeat is fine. The bleeding is from this blood clot in the uterus. Wait -- the baby is alive? YES. My baby is still alive and kicking.

I am thrilled -- although honestly I think I am still in shock. The last few days have been the most horrible of my life. And yet it was all for nothing.

There certainly is still all the risks but she said the baby looked fine and I am almost 15 weeks so the risk of miscarriage is so much lower.

Wow. This has been such a roller coaster ride.

SoCaliLover's picture
Joined: 12/07/06
Posts: 1591

My middle daughter (Dh youngest) and I have never gotten along. When Ash moved in with us at 13, she had flunked out of 8th grade and her mom just couldn't deal with her anymore. she was rebellious, hateful and angry. She had no problem telling me to F-off to my face and then DH would say well step mothers are always difficult, she is just mad and will get over it. I paid for her to go to four years of private school to which she acted like I owed that to her. (course she did graduate salutatorian) She had no problem telling DH and me that she hated me and they only tolerated me because they loved him.

I was so happy when she went to college and moved out.

Over time though (she is now 24) we have buried the hatchet she has grown up and I have learned to pick battles more carefully. But we were never really close sadly. She was the one we were also worried about how she would take the news. When they were younger, she refused to let Tiff (my daughter) call DH dad, she was insanely jealous. We were worried how she would take it.

This weekend though, Ash was a Godsend. When I was in tears, she held me and let me cry. Ash wound up cooking dinner for two nights including a great home made mac and cheese. She was really a great relief to have around. It was a nice change. She is currently living in Santa Barbara but is going to move home soon-- wanted to be closer to baby. I sent her an email telling her thank you and how much comfort she brought me. I got this response.

Aim you don't have to thank me!! I guess just being a girl makes you more aware of how painful that is and how helpless you probably felt. Obviously dad cannot understand that. You have no idea how happy I am with the change of news. I hate the drs that told you wrong. They should be fired. I know you were really sad to lose your baby and Age and I were both sad to lose our brother (fingers crossed!). Everyone wanted this baby and he's still ours so all we can do is be happy! I love you and the baby a lot! Hope you are feeling better after going through hell for the weekend.
Love ya,
PS if this kid comes out a girl, we better keep our mouths shut about how much we all hoped for a boy!! haha...

That was so sweet. Its nice to have the girls around at times like this.

SoCaliLover's picture
Joined: 12/07/06
Posts: 1591

14 weeks 6 days -- I am almost 15 weeks. On Saturday after they said the baby was gone, I couldn't imagine not being 15 weeks but here I almost am.

I have another doctor appointment on Monday -- I am sure they will do another ultrasound to figure out what is going on with the blood clot. I wonder if I will get to know then if it is a boy or girl.

I am so tired, although last night I finally slept through the night -- it was so nice. I really didn't want to get up this morning.

Still feeling mild cramps or pressure -- I really think it is more because I know to look for it, otherwise I would probably not even notice.

Here's to almost being 15 weeks!! YEAH

SoCaliLover's picture
Joined: 12/07/06
Posts: 1591

I am finally fifteen weeks exactly and as far as I know little one is still there. I really can't wait until my appointment on June 16 -- next Monday. I really hope they do another scan to tell me what is going on with this blood clot and ease my mind some. I told DH that when they told me about the clot, it was the same time they told me the baby was still there so I was so in shock I couldn't even ask any questions. Now I have so many.

Its sad though, I think after the NT scan came back and everything was fine, I relaxed and really started to feel like it was going to be okay and we would really have this baby. That is why the news of the miscarriage hit me so hard. Then when we found out is was not a miscarriage (after two agonizing days) I can't really get that excited feeling back yet. I guess I am just going to be cautious and much more low key now.

We were going to do a early 3-D scan in a few weeks (there is a place here that has a package for an early one for gender and a later one for cool pics) We were going to do an early one while my dad was here so we could all find out the gender together but now I don't know that I want to do that, just in case something is wrong I don't want to put my dad through that.

I am looking forward sorta to the weekend, after last weekend being so horrible, it will be nice to relax some. Of course Saturday we have to drive 1.5 hrs to Corona for a meeting at my brother's group home. After that DH and I have to drive another hour or so to the guys house from where Charley bought our crib on eBay.

Then we have to get the house cleaned up. Charley arranged for our carpets to be cleaned on Wednesday so it is done before dad comes. So we have to get everything cleaned up and off the floors (trust me our house is a disaster right now so I am not looking forward to that.

Anyway, thats whats new here.

Peace out

SoCaliLover's picture
Joined: 12/07/06
Posts: 1591

We went to go get our baby's bedroom set today. It is not my dream set but it is DH's and he is ecstatic. Guess it is one of those compromises, one of probably many LOL. Course it only costs us 230 for a crib, cradle, dresser and hutch. so I guess can't complain anyway. I think I had an idea that this little one we have waited so long for is going to have everything new and beautiful. But we don't have too much money for thousand dollar sets and DH loves the idea of painting it anyway.

So we started the day at my brother's group home. Where he lives in Corona is this amazing place which is an organization that runs 10 different group homes, all associated with this one. DH and i are on the board for the family and friends auxiliary group. So we went up for the bi monthly meeting and then met up and took my brother out for lunch. It was nice. We still haven't figured out how we are going to explain this baby to him but I guess that will come.

The crib set that DH bought on eBay was a pick up only. Thankfully it was about an hour or so from where Drew's home is so after the meeting we ran over there. It was an hour of two lane roads into the middle of no where though.

We got to the house and checked out things. There was a really nice family with two boys, 8 and 6. it took awhile since we had to take everything apart, while dh was playing with that, I noticed that the younger son was down syndrome like my brother. so I started talking to his mom and it turned out the older one was autistic and ADHD. Wow two special needs kids would be such a handful. She was exhausted you could tell. She started asking me all kinds of questions about my brother, since he is an adult now, trying to figure out what kid of life he would have. I just felt for her though, to go through this whole pregnancy and hope and pray for a beautiful child and then find out something is wrong. so I spent the entire day around developmentally disabled people, all the ones at my brother and then the two kids (they were adorable by the way) but I guess then it makes me nervous about this baby. I know the chance for a little one to have issues is small but today I had a reminder about how real it is. we would love this child regardless but I do hope and pray for a normal little one.

SoCaliLover's picture
Joined: 12/07/06
Posts: 1591

15 weeks 4 days.

I saw my baby today -- beautiful -- and I cried when I heard its little pitter patter of a heartbeat.

Its still there, its still alive.

Went to the doctors for the four-month check up and they took me straight to the ultrasound room. this dear nurse came in and talked to me about what happened last week, she was the same one who talked me through the issue last week and sent me to the triage unit at Mary Birch.

The doctor came in too and talked to me for a while about what was going on and what was happening. They think at the end, I was dehydrated, probably from the flu I had, and that caused cramping and ultimately bleeding. But the little one survived just fine.

They said without question, the urgent care nurse should NOT have told me it was a miscarriage, they could have said there were problems but sent me to a place with an ultrasound to confirm. She said it was not at all uncommon for them not to find the heart beat with a Doppler at 15 weeks.

The baby was standing on its head, Charley said its going to be a gymnast. It was asleep at first glance but then woke up and started moving and stretching.

I am so relieved. This last week has been held! for me. I am just happy its over and everything is okay.

SoCaliLover's picture
Joined: 12/07/06
Posts: 1591

From Monday

So last night we finally got back home after a whirlwind trip to Santa Barbara. I was "supposed" to have a nice leisurely 3 day trip up there, my dad just came into town, we were going to see my step daughter who lives there for a few days and then I had court this morning for a 2 minute hearing and then get to enjoy the rest of my b-day. But, then my boss decided to get out of the case and the hearing got continued so I have to work today.

we still went up Saturday and back yesterday. My DSD decided to move home a while ago so we had to pack up her place and move her home. While we were up there, we took my dad wine tasting -- there are some amazing wineries up in the mountains out side SB. Course that meant everyone else had amazing wine and I had bottles of water cause it was 110+ degrees! LOL

It was a pretty good weekend I guess. I am now having to adjust to a full house again though, when Adrienne moved back a month ago, that was somewhat an adjustment and now Ashley is back. I have to say it makes me a little nervous cause they come in, move things and change things. I will get over it soon enough but it is still an adjustment. (they are 26 and 24.) but then last night they got out their guitars and key boards and kept us well entertained so --so far -- it is going okay. It will only be a matter of time though before the two are at each others throats again, they always are. sigh.

So I am at work which isn't to bad since we are having a heat wave and I have a/c at work!

SoCaliLover's picture
Joined: 12/07/06
Posts: 1591

16 weeks 5 days

Its Tuesday now and I am stuck in a d*&m depo. The deposition is for the person most knowledgeable from a concrete subcontractor for this construction defect litigation I am in. YAWN and based upon the last two hours its going to go all freaking day. This is soooo boring. Visqueen, wire mesh for driveways, grading etc. blah blah blah. I can barely stay awake. Fortunately I have net access so when I am not taking notes I can be here.

Last night was amazing. We all (me, DH, both DSD and my dad) went out for dinner at the French Gourmet for my b-day. Had amazing steak and cheese platter, even had a tiny (1/10) glass of wine. just enough for a sip.

we went down to Tourmaline beach just for a bit, it was beautiful.

Went home and actually got a pretty okay's night of sleep.

This weekend we are having our family get away!!! Normally my dad takes us for a mini vacation, usually a week or long weekend. this time we put together a quicky long weekend to go to Catalina Island! We are taking a boat from Dana Point (1.5 hours yikes) on Friday to the island and staying until Sunday. I am looking forward to getting away even if it is for just a few days. I am also excited to go see Catalina, its an island off the coast of Los Angeles that we have talked about going to for years but never have actually got to go.

I am still pregnant (obviously Smile ) and doing okay I guess. Right now I have what I quickly call cramps but are probably more like ligament pains/growing pains in my lower left abdomen. I guess that means that the baby is okay.

I think DH and I have some free time together tonight, which is nice. I have two baseball tickets to the Padres game which I have no interest in going to from work -- Charley is on call so he can't go so but Ashley was happy to go and take gramps. Charley is getting his braces tightened so he will be not feeling so great. Adrienne is babysitting one of her families so we can have some R&R time to our self. course I think I would really like to just veg a little, watch some tv and have some down time.

so that's tuesday -- is it Friday yet? LOL

SoCaliLover's picture
Joined: 12/07/06
Posts: 1591


I just love seeing the weeks fly by, one week closer to seeing my beautiful little baby.

Got a MSG from the nurse at my docs office, please call, nothing bad, but please call. Course I can't get past the switchboard to get to her so have had to play phone tag. sigh.

My frustration of the day is DD Tiffany. We had told Tiff that when school let out for the summer, she had to get a job and earn -- and save -- money to pay her housing next year. The child is 21 and irresponsible as anything. We also told her it was unacceptable that she spend the summer at her bf in Chicago when she is supposed to be working. Well, 21-year-old know it all, went anyway, has been there a month and still hasn;t got a d*a*m*n job. So now she pulls the got a job, start Sunday, will work for less than a month but then her and BF are flying back to our house to spend the rest of the summer and we are going to drive her back to ASU. Ummm, can we say h&%ll no? We have a rule-- always have-- no bf spending the night. I don't care if your 14 or 24. this is our house, we pay rent, show some respect. Sent her an email back that was just not gonna work for us. we have a full house as it is, with the older kids and DH plans on really gearing up in August to start getting ready for baby. we are kinda hoping at least one (or if really lucky both) of the older two have their own place by then though I know Age won't until she figures out what she is doing for grad school.

Tiff is, or will someday, be a good person. she has a great heart and is pretty sharp in some areas. Right now, though, she is pretty much useless -- it that really mean to say about your kid? She gets by by manipulation and doing whatever she wants, regardless of the consequences and then just expects someone will bail her out. we are taking a hard line stance with her now, hoping she will grow up soon and figure it out. sigh. I love her to death but I am so over these antics.

A baby has to be easier than all this right? LOL

SoCaliLover's picture
Joined: 12/07/06
Posts: 1591

17 weeks, 5 days, only two more days until 18 weeks. Wow.

Well I am still tired although it is nice, it gives me an excuse to go upstairs and lay down and relax after dinner and get away from the extreme activity that is my house now.

We had a great family trip to Catalina Island, it was just too short. We left Dana Point on a 5pm boat and came back Sunday on the 2pm boat. It was a beautiful place and definitely someplace DH and I will go back.

My current vent though is still my DD Tiffany. Tiff is still in Chicago with Bf and still hasn't got a job, and still has no money. She is mad at me because we said we were not paying any more. I will pay her tuition if she decides to go back to school but not her credit card bill for the card that she used to get a tattoo, her cell phone bill, or any of her other misc bills or her rent for her to live with bf over my objection. Understand, the child is 21 years old. we had asked her to work for the summer which was more than enough for her to earn money for rent etc. she blew me off thinking whatever, I am going to play and mom will bail me out. Now I refuse and she has threatened to have nothing to do with us ever again. My response was essentially other than money, what do you want? do you even want a relationship or do you just want a check. Cause if all you want is a check the bank is closed. I am not going to "buy" her love or relationship anymore. Sigh. I am tired of rescuing her and with this little one on the way, just can't do it any more. I should have done this a long long time ago but I kept hoping maybe something will teach her, she will learn from her mistakes, she will grow up and mature, something! but nothing to date. this is the part about being a mom I hate.

SoCaliLover's picture
Joined: 12/07/06
Posts: 1591

Still 17 weeks and 5 days LOL

I don't know if I posted this before. At my last appointment on June 16, my doc asked as an aside did you want an amnio. Gut reaction I said no. I always planned on doing an amnio-- always knew I would but after thinking I lost little one, I just didn't want to do anything to risk this baby, regardless of how small a risk. She said okay, then said wait for nurse, she'll be in in a sec.

While waiting, DH pipes up well I think we need to discuss the amnio, he says I want to know what issues baby may have and I think we should do. He has read that older dads have a much higher chance of passing on chromosomal problems that often result in the death of the child within the first year. It is apparently very important to him that we know one way or another.

Nurse came in and he asked can we schedule and then cancel later if we change our mind. Sure, good idea since there is a "small window". So the amnio was set for tomorrow, July 2. In all honesty, if we were going to do it would be a good time since I would have to be on 24 hour bed rest but not much going on this week.

But I thought and decided I just couldn't find it in my heart to take the chance. Every time we discussed though, DH was just as strong that he wanted us to do it.

My NT scan said I had 1/3500 (ish) chance of Downs and 1/5k chance of trisomy. What other things do I have to worry about.

My triple scan results however weren't going to be back, I went last Monday so I could make sure but my sample got damaged so I had to go and re-draw on Friday.

So Sunday I told him I wanted to cancel until we had the test results. I had the triple screen and the ultrasound on July 11, if any issues, we could reschedule. We "compromised" that I would do the amnio if there were issues but we would wait until then.

So I sent an email yesterday cancelling the appt and asking for a just check up on the week of the 14th.

My nurse called back (she is a real dear) to verify that is what we really wanted to do.

I told her that until the triple screen/ultrasound showed an issue, just not sure what the point is. Well the doc that does the amnios is out after this week for a week and then I am almost 18 weeks at this point. they want them done between 17-19 weeks. Then she said well lets schedule it for 16th but let me check with the doc since I will be 20 weeks at that point.

To me the 16th is perfect because I will have triple screen AND my ultrasound scheduled for the 11th by then. if everything checks out, then why do it. But then she calls back, the doc not comfortable doing at 20 weeks they would have to refer to perinatal. Also it would be too late to terminate if something is terribly wrong (which in a vacuum I can say it wouldn't be an issue but I don't know what I would say if faced with a real issue).

We ended it with come in for your appointment tomorrow even though not amino and lets discuss and do check up anyway.

So I call DH that he needs to arrange to get off for appointment and his response, well so they are not recommending the amnio? I said I don't know we need to talk to them tomorrow, No, he says, I mean why not just do it tomorrow and get it over with. GRRRRR. I just told him flat out I just don't have any data to do amnio and just don't want to take the risk. He wants a definitive answer one way or another and since the miscarriage rate for our med group is like 1/1600 feels that is an acceptable risk.

I just said we will discuss with doc tomorrow and decide then, I am not doing it though until after test results give some reason.

Of course, six weeks ago I was gung ho to go forward with the CVS test (which carries a higher risk) and he was very much against that. Funny what those two days of thinking the baby was gone does to your attitude.


why does this have to be so hard.

SoCaliLover's picture
Joined: 12/07/06
Posts: 1591
17 weeks 6 days!

So just got back from the doctors office. When I called and cancelled today's amnio, the nurse wanted me to still come in and discuss what all is going on.

DH went (after all the concerns and pushing for the amnio-he better come) course right before the doctor came in he wimped out and said well you decide.

The doctor explained all the risks and rewards of the amnio and looking at our first tri screening said while it was up to us, there was no cause yet. she cautioned us to consider how long it too to get pregnant (2 years) and wanted us to take that into account.

Since we were still undecided -- mostly DH but honestly some me -- she decided to refer us back to a genetic counselor. Said they could help decide and possibly even do the amnio that day if we decided to go with it.

More importantly, she thought about it and then decided to refer not JUST for the counseling but also for a souped up ultrasound. She told us to cancel the one we have scheduled next week and go with the perinatal one which is more detailed, better read, and will provide much additional info. YEAH for that I am excited. :blob1:

But....we also wanted to wait for the results of our triple screen, I went last Monday to get it, got a call from the nurse Thursday that the sample was processed wrong (found out the sticker hadn't been put on right) then today she told me that the sample from Friday was hemolyzed (or something) due likely to the heat wave Cali is having. The sample had to be mailed to a state lab. So today I submitted to a THIRD try.

In the end though the doctor said the odds were in our favor for downs and trisomy, that spinal bifida is really really rare -- in her career she has seen two or three terminations due to that -- and despite Charley's fretting and the one study that was very negative due to dad's age, at 46 he should be fine and the baby should be fine and not effected by his age.

So now our agreement is the amnio is off the table until we have a reason for concern. At the perinatal center, if the ultrasound showed issues, we could have the option of having an amnio right then. Otherwise, we aren't going to worry about it.

I think having the doc explain it to him he was more comfy.

SoCaliLover's picture
Joined: 12/07/06
Posts: 1591
18 weeks

EIGHTEEN WEEKS!! Only 154 days until I get to meet my beautiful little baby!!!!

Course I told DH last night I was having second thoughts about this baby -- his response -ummm too late! I am just so nervous, I don't know anything about babies. This will definitely be an interesting ride.

The drama with my youngest DD is definitely wearing me out. She is STILL in Chicago with bf and she STILL doesn't have a job. I know she is two months behind on her credit card payment (which she maxed out getting two tattoos) and now apparently her cell phone has been cut off. She, however, is not talking to me since obviously this is all my fault.

I had sent her an email that basically said I love you so much but I am done rescuing you over and over again all to false promises you will get a job and step up to the plate. You are 21 and its time you act it. Her initial response was I abandoned her into the world with no support and so I reminded her of the thousands and thousands of dollars I have paid for college tuition. I asked her very bluntly, other than money, what do you want out of this family? how do you define or what do you want our relationship to be? I want to be your mom and your friend but I am done writing checks. She didn't respond to that email. To date, the only further email I got was "well will you at least fix my printer?" Sigh.

So yesterday she posts on myspace a bulletin that her cell is finally disconnected so no one needs bother to call.

I just asked her sisters to check with her and make sure she is okay. I am just tired of it. Of course, they are sick of her games too. The child has a ticket home when she is ready to use it, I give up. Charley just reminds me I need to put a lot more time and energy into the baby and let Tiff just figure it out for her self.


The only comfort I get right now is it will be a LONG time unti this baby is at that age where I have to deal with all this.

SoCaliLover's picture
Joined: 12/07/06
Posts: 1591
18 weeks 6 days -- Ultrasound today!

So in FIVE hours I will be at the perinatal center filling out forms and getting ready for our genetic counseling -- again. But the we get the ultrasound and hopefully find out if this is a boy or a girl.

Dang I am exhausted though. Normally I have been waking up at 5ish in the am and not getting back to sleep, not today, I was still fast asleep when DH woke me up.

But I kept dreaming about the ultrasound. In one dream I was seeing one of the docs at the office and she was doing it but she was mad about something so it was a 1 minute "quickie" and I couldn't see anything, she started fussing at me for eating baloney (which I don't eat) and then left so I didn't even get to find out the sex. I told DH in the dream fine, I didn't cancel my one on Friday so I guess I will go do that one. but I was so upset and mad.

The second dream the ultrasound was more detailed by a bit but something was wrong, they couldn't tell me if it was with the baby or the machine and were trying to figure it out when I woke up.

The third dream I was at this strange house like a bed and breakfast with my dad and my family waiting to go to the ultrasound. It was snowing although kids were running around in swim suits. Finally it was time to go but I had to go upstairs to get my suitcase before we left. I was in a hurry cause I wanted to go to the ultrasound but as I was going up the stairs all these old ladies on canes (like 50) started coming down the stairs.

Weird dreams huh? I guess I am anxious about this ultrasound.

I so hope it will be a little boy but if it is a girl, we will love her just as much. (we just have SO many girls in this family already LOL)

So 1pm I will have the counseling, hopefully within 30 minutes or so we will have the ultrasound. I just so want to know this baby is healthy and everything is okay.

SoCaliLover's picture
Joined: 12/07/06
Posts: 1591


That's right, the beautiful little baby I have waited for for so long is a boy, the little boy I have dreamed of one day holding in my arms.

And to make it the best day of my life, he is a healthy amazingly perfect little boy. No genetic markers that would indicate downs, no abnormalities noted, nothing out of the ordinary. He had a strong heartbeat and a beautiful body (although he kinda looked like an alien LOL)

He was perfect and beautiful and amazing and a miracle. With everything that sometimes goes wrong with the world, sometimes it is amazing at what goes right.

SoCaliLover's picture
Joined: 12/07/06
Posts: 1591
19 weeks 0 days and VENTING

Sometimes being a mom really sucks.

I love my daughter to death but I am over her right now. I sent her an email I think I referenced in an earlier entry and I received not a single response. She didn't respond either to my email or text yesterday to tell her that the baby is a boy.

Instead she emails her step sis and starts whining and going on about the baby. She said that she has never felt adopted until now and now I am so excited and so happy about the baby that I obviously don't want her in my life any more. She went on that I have "abandoned her" and thrown her to the proverbial wolves, that I refuse to help her and would be happy if she never came home again.

I am like d*a*m*n*i*t Tiff, get a clue. The baby has NOTHING to do with this and you are NOT going to make me feel guilty or upset about this beautiful child growing inside of me. We never made a secret that we were going to have a child, we waited until Tiff was done with high school and in college intentionally so she wouldn't feel misplaced. That waiting effected our fertility and even potentially the health of the baby but we waited any way.

The reason I am taking the steps with Tiff now is BECAUSE I love her, not because of the baby or me trying to get her out of my life. But she refuses to get a job, refuses to take responsibility, lies and manipulates everyone to get her way and essentially refuses to grow up. I am done. Its tough love, I cannot keep giving her money and bailing her out so she can hang out with her friends and get drunk and stoned, that has NOTHING to do with the baby. She is the one who left, got on a plane, went to Chicago over my objection, didn't bother to get a job the entire summer and is now stressing over how she will pay her room and board next term. She is mad I won't pay it even though I specifically said I would not.

And yet here she is with this guilt trip that if it wasn't for the baby, I wouldn't be taking this position. GRRRRRRR

The baby has nothing to do with it. I have really gone out of my way with Tiff to make sure I evaluated every choice for that reason.

SoCaliLover's picture
Joined: 12/07/06
Posts: 1591
20 weeks 4 days -TOO MUCH STRESS

So its been a rough few weeks.

My niece and nephew have came to visit for two weeks, Katie is 9 and Ronnie is 13. I haven't seen them for three years so they have grown a lot. It has been a trying time and they are here for another week. Don't get me wrong, they are pretty good kids, just so much energy, very clingy and its just been a lot to handle.

Then last Friday, I was at a deposition in Temecula when I get a call from the camp they are in, the kids were at the beach and Ronnie had gone out too far and went under. Lifeguards rescued him but they put him in an ambulance and took him to the hospital. Thank God Charley was able to get off and go meet him while I drive like nuts from 1.5 hours away. He was fine, they decided he just swallowed too much water and we needed to watch him.

Sat we took the kids to the zoo which was fun, but in regular 13 year old style, Ronnie was "bored" cause there were not any rides around. Sigh.

So its Monday now and I am at work and the kids are at camp. At 1030 my office manager comes running in yelling something about the phones and where my phone was? She said we need to figure out why the phones don't work and kept trying to use my phone to all 911, (we apparently have Internet phone service which doesn't call 911?) I was like what? do you need to call 911? Our receptionist may be having a heart attack.

I was apparently the only person who had any first aid training who was present so suddenly I am helping her while Linda is calling the paramedics. She was breathing, barely, but still okay, her chest hurt really bad and she kept dry heaving. FINALLY the paramedics got there but it was not a pretty scene. Our receptionist is a very large lady like 300 lbs plus and we are on the second floor with no elevator. They were able to finally get her down after stabilizing her.

So since then, the baby has been kinda upset I think, probably all the adrenaline, cause he wont settle down and keeps kicking. Guess I woke him up!

And to add all that, Tiffany is apparently coming home Wednesday. She has apparently decided she is NOT going back to school since she didn't work but will just play around or be an idiot. IDK, I just am not ready to deal with her on top of everything else. So all three girls will now be living under our roof again.

I would really like everyone to go away for ONE week and let me and DH have our house to ourselves and some peace and quiet, just ONE week? is that too much?