I'm Amy. I am 36 years old and expecting my fourth child, first baby. I have had a TTC journal for a long time that was great to vent in, I was so cautious to start a pregnancy journal -- not sure why -- I guess I didn't want to get my hopes up too much.
Here is a brief synopsis of me. I have a beautiful daughter -- turned 21 two nights ago (VERY scary). When I was a junior in college in Ohio, I became a foster parent -- nine kids over 1.5 years. Tiffany was my second. She was just turning 8 then. When her parental rights were terminated she was branded "unadoptable" because she was 9 by then and supposedly she was rettarded with an IQ of 60. So, sucker that I was, I adopted her. (BTW tiff has put me through ridiculous times but she is a sophomore at ASU now having graduated with honors from HS so NOT rettarded) [double tt to avoid censors since that wordis apparently 'off limits' here]
I moved to San Diego in 1996- ten days after the adoption, to start law school. Probably about 4 weeks after moving here, I had a maintenance problem at the apartments I was living at. I met the maintenance manager of the apartments, we became friends, then moved in together. Everything went pretty fast but I totally fell in love with Charley. That summer, his daughters (then 13 and 15) came from Washington where they lived with their mom to visit. Early the next year, they came back to live with us permanently. Adrienne and Ashley lived with us throughout HS until they became the first in their family to go and graduate from college. They are now 26 and almost 24.
In 2000, Charley proposed to me. Obviously I accepted . We started planning the wedding but then my mom was diagnosed with cancer. We put off the wedding so she could recover enough to travel to SD; then we had to put it off when she didn't recover.
My older brother, Andrew, has Downs Syndrome. In 1999 he moved to California to a group home to be near us as my parents were getting older. He has been part of our family ever since (and often is easier than the girls LOL)
We finally married on my moms birthday, 9/24/05. We had a beautiful memorable three week vacation in Europe when we discussed having a baby. We started trying a few months later -- to no avail.
In the interim, Tiffany got pregnant, was about to get married, and thankfully finally realized she was not ready to have a baby and put my grandchild up for adoption-- she is with a wonderful family and we get to see her a lot. This made the fact I couldn't have a child so much harder. We were going to start advanced fertility treatments but DH kept saying lets wait just a while longer.
In March, I found out I was pregnant. wow. I am now 12 weeks +
We had NTS testing last week and I saw the baby move. Everything said it was okay so I really am letting myself believe that I might have this little baby.
So that's me in a nutshell.
I haven't been good at keeping this journal, wonder why? Been busy been working, been sleeping.
But I have to have a place to vent about the last few days.
Friday afternoon I am at work. I go to the bathroom and noticed on the TP just a little color, nothing dramatic but light pink. I was a little worried but not much. Went home and rested, told DH about what was going on and then put myself on self imposed bed rest for the night. I actually went to be around 8:30. I had some cramps most of the night, not bad just light cramping but there was still some color on the TP.
Saturday morning, I wake up and sure enough, there was still color. Then I saw some mucus looking stuff that was BRIGHT red, again just a bit. I realized I needed to go to the doctor ASAP. I thought about going by myself because DH was still sleeping but decided to wait.
When he got up, I told him I should probably go to the Urgent Care, while he was in the shower, I called my medical group and talked to a RN on duty. She too said go to the Urgent Care asap.
I went. A Physician's Assistant came in and did an exam. She looked up and said I am sorry sweetie, it doesn't look good. I see Placenta leaking from your womb. She used the Doppler but there was no heartbeat. She said she would leave us alone for a bit and left -- she barely made it out before I started sobbing so hard. I cried and cried. They came in and took blood and told me that pretty soon I should start bleeding for the actual miscarriage. At fourteen weeks, my little baby was dead.
I cried the entire weekend. This was heartbreaking. I don't even know if I realized how much this pregnancy meant to me until they said it was over. Sunday I went out with DH and got almost wasted -- wine, beer. It was one of the most horrible days of my life.
Today -- Monday -- I didn't go to work. At 8 am, I called Sharp (the medical group) to get an appointment with my Ob-Gyn. I hadn't started to miscarry yet but obviously it was a matter of time.
I talked to this moron at the scheduling center. How can I help you. I went to Urgent Care Saturday, they told me I was having a miscarriage and I needed to follow up with my doc on Monday. Okay, so what was Urgent Care's conclusions? Uhhh-- I was having a miscarriage and I needed to follow up with my doc on Monday.
Finally moron gets off the phone and connects me with my Ob/Gyn nurse. My doc of course is on vacation all week. The other doc at the clinic was on call and not in the office. I needed to go STAT to get a blood test and she would call the doctor to see what to do. I got up and went to the blood test -- they would know from that if my hormones were falling. I already knew and was starting to accept that this baby was gone.
I had just gotten back from the Lab when she called again. Doctor wanted me to go to Triage at Mary Birch women's hospital. This is where I would have given birth if I made it that long. So I called DH who had promised to go with me (I just couldn't do this alone) I show up at triage and this nice nurse showed me into a room and said she would be doing an exam-- strip and put on a sheet. Then starts the waiting game -- an HOUR later she comes in to do some forms, turns out the doc from my clinic was coming down to do the exam herself.
She finally comes and does the physical exam. She presses on my uterus, looks in there etc. Then pulls out the ultrasound. Weirdly she looked at my husband and told him he could move closer to look. I didn't look, I just turned away and held his hand, not wanting to see what was left of our baby.
Short time later she announces well it all looks good. WTF??? What do you mean? well here's the baby, kicking and moving, heartbeat is fine. The bleeding is from this blood clot in the uterus. Wait -- the baby is alive? YES. My baby is still alive and kicking.
I am thrilled -- although honestly I think I am still in shock. The last few days have been the most horrible of my life. And yet it was all for nothing.
There certainly is still all the risks but she said the baby looked fine and I am almost 15 weeks so the risk of miscarriage is so much lower.
Wow. This has been such a roller coaster ride.
My middle daughter (Dh youngest) and I have never gotten along. When Ash moved in with us at 13, she had flunked out of 8th grade and her mom just couldn't deal with her anymore. she was rebellious, hateful and angry. She had no problem telling me to F-off to my face and then DH would say well step mothers are always difficult, she is just mad and will get over it. I paid for her to go to four years of private school to which she acted like I owed that to her. (course she did graduate salutatorian) She had no problem telling DH and me that she hated me and they only tolerated me because they loved him.
I was so happy when she went to college and moved out.
Over time though (she is now 24) we have buried the hatchet she has grown up and I have learned to pick battles more carefully. But we were never really close sadly. She was the one we were also worried about how she would take the news. When they were younger, she refused to let Tiff (my daughter) call DH dad, she was insanely jealous. We were worried how she would take it.
This weekend though, Ash was a Godsend. When I was in tears, she held me and let me cry. Ash wound up cooking dinner for two nights including a great home made mac and cheese. She was really a great relief to have around. It was a nice change. She is currently living in Santa Barbara but is going to move home soon-- wanted to be closer to baby. I sent her an email telling her thank you and how much comfort she brought me. I got this response.
Aim you don't have to thank me!! I guess just being a girl makes you more aware of how painful that is and how helpless you probably felt. Obviously dad cannot understand that. You have no idea how happy I am with the change of news. I hate the drs that told you wrong. They should be fired. I know you were really sad to lose your baby and Age and I were both sad to lose our brother (fingers crossed!). Everyone wanted this baby and he's still ours so all we can do is be happy! I love you and the baby a lot! Hope you are feeling better after going through hell for the weekend.
PS if this kid comes out a girl, we better keep our mouths shut about how much we all hoped for a boy!! haha...
That was so sweet. Its nice to have the girls around at times like this.
14 weeks 6 days -- I am almost 15 weeks. On Saturday after they said the baby was gone, I couldn't imagine not being 15 weeks but here I almost am.
I have another doctor appointment on Monday -- I am sure they will do another ultrasound to figure out what is going on with the blood clot. I wonder if I will get to know then if it is a boy or girl.
I am so tired, although last night I finally slept through the night -- it was so nice. I really didn't want to get up this morning.
Still feeling mild cramps or pressure -- I really think it is more because I know to look for it, otherwise I would probably not even notice.
Here's to almost being 15 weeks!! YEAH
I am finally fifteen weeks exactly and as far as I know little one is still there. I really can't wait until my appointment on June 16 -- next Monday. I really hope they do another scan to tell me what is going on with this blood clot and ease my mind some. I told DH that when they told me about the clot, it was the same time they told me the baby was still there so I was so in shock I couldn't even ask any questions. Now I have so many.
Its sad though, I think after the NT scan came back and everything was fine, I relaxed and really started to feel like it was going to be okay and we would really have this baby. That is why the news of the miscarriage hit me so hard. Then when we found out is was not a miscarriage (after two agonizing days) I can't really get that excited feeling back yet. I guess I am just going to be cautious and much more low key now.
We were going to do a early 3-D scan in a few weeks (there is a place here that has a package for an early one for gender and a later one for cool pics) We were going to do an early one while my dad was here so we could all find out the gender together but now I don't know that I want to do that, just in case something is wrong I don't want to put my dad through that.
I am looking forward sorta to the weekend, after last weekend being so horrible, it will be nice to relax some. Of course Saturday we have to drive 1.5 hrs to Corona for a meeting at my brother's group home. After that DH and I have to drive another hour or so to the guys house from where Charley bought our crib on eBay.
Then we have to get the house cleaned up. Charley arranged for our carpets to be cleaned on Wednesday so it is done before dad comes. So we have to get everything cleaned up and off the floors (trust me our house is a disaster right now so I am not looking forward to that.
Anyway, thats whats new here.
We went to go get our baby's bedroom set today. It is not my dream set but it is DH's and he is ecstatic. Guess it is one of those compromises, one of probably many LOL. Course it only costs us 230 for a crib, cradle, dresser and hutch. so I guess can't complain anyway. I think I had an idea that this little one we have waited so long for is going to have everything new and beautiful. But we don't have too much money for thousand dollar sets and DH loves the idea of painting it anyway.
So we started the day at my brother's group home. Where he lives in Corona is this amazing place which is an organization that runs 10 different group homes, all associated with this one. DH and i are on the board for the family and friends auxiliary group. So we went up for the bi monthly meeting and then met up and took my brother out for lunch. It was nice. We still haven't figured out how we are going to explain this baby to him but I guess that will come.
The crib set that DH bought on eBay was a pick up only. Thankfully it was about an hour or so from where Drew's home is so after the meeting we ran over there. It was an hour of two lane roads into the middle of no where though.
We got to the house and checked out things. There was a really nice family with two boys, 8 and 6. it took awhile since we had to take everything apart, while dh was playing with that, I noticed that the younger son was down syndrome like my brother. so I started talking to his mom and it turned out the older one was autistic and ADHD. Wow two special needs kids would be such a handful. She was exhausted you could tell. She started asking me all kinds of questions about my brother, since he is an adult now, trying to figure out what kid of life he would have. I just felt for her though, to go through this whole pregnancy and hope and pray for a beautiful child and then find out something is wrong. so I spent the entire day around developmentally disabled people, all the ones at my brother and then the two kids (they were adorable by the way) but I guess then it makes me nervous about this baby. I know the chance for a little one to have issues is small but today I had a reminder about how real it is. we would love this child regardless but I do hope and pray for a normal little one.
15 weeks 4 days.
I saw my baby today -- beautiful -- and I cried when I heard its little pitter patter of a heartbeat.
Its still there, its still alive.
Went to the doctors for the four-month check up and they took me straight to the ultrasound room. this dear nurse came in and talked to me about what happened last week, she was the same one who talked me through the issue last week and sent me to the triage unit at Mary Birch.
The doctor came in too and talked to me for a while about what was going on and what was happening. They think at the end, I was dehydrated, probably from the flu I had, and that caused cramping and ultimately bleeding. But the little one survived just fine.
They said without question, the urgent care nurse should NOT have told me it was a miscarriage, they could have said there were problems but sent me to a place with an ultrasound to confirm. She said it was not at all uncommon for them not to find the heart beat with a Doppler at 15 weeks.
The baby was standing on its head, Charley said its going to be a gymnast. It was asleep at first glance but then woke up and started moving and stretching.
I am so relieved. This last week has been held! for me. I am just happy its over and everything is okay.
So last night we finally got back home after a whirlwind trip to Santa Barbara. I was "supposed" to have a nice leisurely 3 day trip up there, my dad just came into town, we were going to see my step daughter who lives there for a few days and then I had court this morning for a 2 minute hearing and then get to enjoy the rest of my b-day. But, then my boss decided to get out of the case and the hearing got continued so I have to work today.
we still went up Saturday and back yesterday. My DSD decided to move home a while ago so we had to pack up her place and move her home. While we were up there, we took my dad wine tasting -- there are some amazing wineries up in the mountains out side SB. Course that meant everyone else had amazing wine and I had bottles of water cause it was 110+ degrees! LOL
It was a pretty good weekend I guess. I am now having to adjust to a full house again though, when Adrienne moved back a month ago, that was somewhat an adjustment and now Ashley is back. I have to say it makes me a little nervous cause they come in, move things and change things. I will get over it soon enough but it is still an adjustment. (they are 26 and 24.) but then last night they got out their guitars and key boards and kept us well entertained so --so far -- it is going okay. It will only be a matter of time though before the two are at each others throats again, they always are. sigh.
So I am at work which isn't to bad since we are having a heat wave and I have a/c at work!
16 weeks 5 days
Its Tuesday now and I am stuck in a d*&m depo. The deposition is for the person most knowledgeable from a concrete subcontractor for this construction defect litigation I am in. YAWN and based upon the last two hours its going to go all freaking day. This is soooo boring. Visqueen, wire mesh for driveways, grading etc. blah blah blah. I can barely stay awake. Fortunately I have net access so when I am not taking notes I can be here.
Last night was amazing. We all (me, DH, both DSD and my dad) went out for dinner at the French Gourmet for my b-day. Had amazing steak and cheese platter, even had a tiny (1/10) glass of wine. just enough for a sip.
we went down to Tourmaline beach just for a bit, it was beautiful.
Went home and actually got a pretty okay's night of sleep.
This weekend we are having our family get away!!! Normally my dad takes us for a mini vacation, usually a week or long weekend. this time we put together a quicky long weekend to go to Catalina Island! We are taking a boat from Dana Point (1.5 hours yikes) on Friday to the island and staying until Sunday. I am looking forward to getting away even if it is for just a few days. I am also excited to go see Catalina, its an island off the coast of Los Angeles that we have talked about going to for years but never have actually got to go.
I am still pregnant (obviously ) and doing okay I guess. Right now I have what I quickly call cramps but are probably more like ligament pains/growing pains in my lower left abdomen. I guess that means that the baby is okay.
I think DH and I have some free time together tonight, which is nice. I have two baseball tickets to the Padres game which I have no interest in going to from work -- Charley is on call so he can't go so but Ashley was happy to go and take gramps. Charley is getting his braces tightened so he will be not feeling so great. Adrienne is babysitting one of her families so we can have some R&R time to our self. course I think I would really like to just veg a little, watch some tv and have some down time.
so that's tuesday -- is it Friday yet? LOL
SEVENTEEN WEEKS!!! YAHOOOOOOOOOOO
I just love seeing the weeks fly by, one week closer to seeing my beautiful little baby.
Got a MSG from the nurse at my docs office, please call, nothing bad, but please call. Course I can't get past the switchboard to get to her so have had to play phone tag. sigh.
My frustration of the day is DD Tiffany. We had told Tiff that when school let out for the summer, she had to get a job and earn -- and save -- money to pay her housing next year. The child is 21 and irresponsible as anything. We also told her it was unacceptable that she spend the summer at her bf in Chicago when she is supposed to be working. Well, 21-year-old know it all, went anyway, has been there a month and still hasn;t got a d*a*m*n job. So now she pulls the got a job, start Sunday, will work for less than a month but then her and BF are flying back to our house to spend the rest of the summer and we are going to drive her back to ASU. Ummm, can we say h&%ll no? We have a rule-- always have-- no bf spending the night. I don't care if your 14 or 24. this is our house, we pay rent, show some respect. Sent her an email back that was just not gonna work for us. we have a full house as it is, with the older kids and DH plans on really gearing up in August to start getting ready for baby. we are kinda hoping at least one (or if really lucky both) of the older two have their own place by then though I know Age won't until she figures out what she is doing for grad school.
Tiff is, or will someday, be a good person. she has a great heart and is pretty sharp in some areas. Right now, though, she is pretty much useless -- it that really mean to say about your kid? She gets by by manipulation and doing whatever she wants, regardless of the consequences and then just expects someone will bail her out. we are taking a hard line stance with her now, hoping she will grow up soon and figure it out. sigh. I love her to death but I am so over these antics.
A baby has to be easier than all this right? LOL