17 weeks, 5 days, only two more days until 18 weeks. Wow.
Well I am still tired although it is nice, it gives me an excuse to go upstairs and lay down and relax after dinner and get away from the extreme activity that is my house now.
We had a great family trip to Catalina Island, it was just too short. We left Dana Point on a 5pm boat and came back Sunday on the 2pm boat. It was a beautiful place and definitely someplace DH and I will go back.
My current vent though is still my DD Tiffany. Tiff is still in Chicago with Bf and still hasn't got a job, and still has no money. She is mad at me because we said we were not paying any more. I will pay her tuition if she decides to go back to school but not her credit card bill for the card that she used to get a tattoo, her cell phone bill, or any of her other misc bills or her rent for her to live with bf over my objection. Understand, the child is 21 years old. we had asked her to work for the summer which was more than enough for her to earn money for rent etc. she blew me off thinking whatever, I am going to play and mom will bail me out. Now I refuse and she has threatened to have nothing to do with us ever again. My response was essentially other than money, what do you want? do you even want a relationship or do you just want a check. Cause if all you want is a check the bank is closed. I am not going to "buy" her love or relationship anymore. Sigh. I am tired of rescuing her and with this little one on the way, just can't do it any more. I should have done this a long long time ago but I kept hoping maybe something will teach her, she will learn from her mistakes, she will grow up and mature, something! but nothing to date. this is the part about being a mom I hate.
Still 17 weeks and 5 days LOL
I don't know if I posted this before. At my last appointment on June 16, my doc asked as an aside did you want an amnio. Gut reaction I said no. I always planned on doing an amnio-- always knew I would but after thinking I lost little one, I just didn't want to do anything to risk this baby, regardless of how small a risk. She said okay, then said wait for nurse, she'll be in in a sec.
While waiting, DH pipes up well I think we need to discuss the amnio, he says I want to know what issues baby may have and I think we should do. He has read that older dads have a much higher chance of passing on chromosomal problems that often result in the death of the child within the first year. It is apparently very important to him that we know one way or another.
Nurse came in and he asked can we schedule and then cancel later if we change our mind. Sure, good idea since there is a "small window". So the amnio was set for tomorrow, July 2. In all honesty, if we were going to do it would be a good time since I would have to be on 24 hour bed rest but not much going on this week.
But I thought and decided I just couldn't find it in my heart to take the chance. Every time we discussed though, DH was just as strong that he wanted us to do it.
My NT scan said I had 1/3500 (ish) chance of Downs and 1/5k chance of trisomy. What other things do I have to worry about.
My triple scan results however weren't going to be back, I went last Monday so I could make sure but my sample got damaged so I had to go and re-draw on Friday.
So Sunday I told him I wanted to cancel until we had the test results. I had the triple screen and the ultrasound on July 11, if any issues, we could reschedule. We "compromised" that I would do the amnio if there were issues but we would wait until then.
So I sent an email yesterday cancelling the appt and asking for a just check up on the week of the 14th.
My nurse called back (she is a real dear) to verify that is what we really wanted to do.
I told her that until the triple screen/ultrasound showed an issue, just not sure what the point is. Well the doc that does the amnios is out after this week for a week and then I am almost 18 weeks at this point. they want them done between 17-19 weeks. Then she said well lets schedule it for 16th but let me check with the doc since I will be 20 weeks at that point.
To me the 16th is perfect because I will have triple screen AND my ultrasound scheduled for the 11th by then. if everything checks out, then why do it. But then she calls back, the doc not comfortable doing at 20 weeks they would have to refer to perinatal. Also it would be too late to terminate if something is terribly wrong (which in a vacuum I can say it wouldn't be an issue but I don't know what I would say if faced with a real issue).
We ended it with come in for your appointment tomorrow even though not amino and lets discuss and do check up anyway.
So I call DH that he needs to arrange to get off for appointment and his response, well so they are not recommending the amnio? I said I don't know we need to talk to them tomorrow, No, he says, I mean why not just do it tomorrow and get it over with. GRRRRR. I just told him flat out I just don't have any data to do amnio and just don't want to take the risk. He wants a definitive answer one way or another and since the miscarriage rate for our med group is like 1/1600 feels that is an acceptable risk.
I just said we will discuss with doc tomorrow and decide then, I am not doing it though until after test results give some reason.
Of course, six weeks ago I was gung ho to go forward with the CVS test (which carries a higher risk) and he was very much against that. Funny what those two days of thinking the baby was gone does to your attitude.
why does this have to be so hard.
So just got back from the doctors office. When I called and cancelled today's amnio, the nurse wanted me to still come in and discuss what all is going on.
DH went (after all the concerns and pushing for the amnio-he better come) course right before the doctor came in he wimped out and said well you decide.
The doctor explained all the risks and rewards of the amnio and looking at our first tri screening said while it was up to us, there was no cause yet. she cautioned us to consider how long it too to get pregnant (2 years) and wanted us to take that into account.
Since we were still undecided -- mostly DH but honestly some me -- she decided to refer us back to a genetic counselor. Said they could help decide and possibly even do the amnio that day if we decided to go with it.
More importantly, she thought about it and then decided to refer not JUST for the counseling but also for a souped up ultrasound. She told us to cancel the one we have scheduled next week and go with the perinatal one which is more detailed, better read, and will provide much additional info. YEAH for that I am excited.
But....we also wanted to wait for the results of our triple screen, I went last Monday to get it, got a call from the nurse Thursday that the sample was processed wrong (found out the sticker hadn't been put on right) then today she told me that the sample from Friday was hemolyzed (or something) due likely to the heat wave Cali is having. The sample had to be mailed to a state lab. So today I submitted to a THIRD try.
In the end though the doctor said the odds were in our favor for downs and trisomy, that spinal bifida is really really rare -- in her career she has seen two or three terminations due to that -- and despite Charley's fretting and the one study that was very negative due to dad's age, at 46 he should be fine and the baby should be fine and not effected by his age.
So now our agreement is the amnio is off the table until we have a reason for concern. At the perinatal center, if the ultrasound showed issues, we could have the option of having an amnio right then. Otherwise, we aren't going to worry about it.
I think having the doc explain it to him he was more comfy.
EIGHTEEN WEEKS!! Only 154 days until I get to meet my beautiful little baby!!!!
Course I told DH last night I was having second thoughts about this baby -- his response -ummm too late! I am just so nervous, I don't know anything about babies. This will definitely be an interesting ride.
The drama with my youngest DD is definitely wearing me out. She is STILL in Chicago with bf and she STILL doesn't have a job. I know she is two months behind on her credit card payment (which she maxed out getting two tattoos) and now apparently her cell phone has been cut off. She, however, is not talking to me since obviously this is all my fault.
I had sent her an email that basically said I love you so much but I am done rescuing you over and over again all to false promises you will get a job and step up to the plate. You are 21 and its time you act it. Her initial response was I abandoned her into the world with no support and so I reminded her of the thousands and thousands of dollars I have paid for college tuition. I asked her very bluntly, other than money, what do you want out of this family? how do you define or what do you want our relationship to be? I want to be your mom and your friend but I am done writing checks. She didn't respond to that email. To date, the only further email I got was "well will you at least fix my printer?" Sigh.
So yesterday she posts on myspace a bulletin that her cell is finally disconnected so no one needs bother to call.
I just asked her sisters to check with her and make sure she is okay. I am just tired of it. Of course, they are sick of her games too. The child has a ticket home when she is ready to use it, I give up. Charley just reminds me I need to put a lot more time and energy into the baby and let Tiff just figure it out for her self.
The only comfort I get right now is it will be a LONG time unti this baby is at that age where I have to deal with all this.
So in FIVE hours I will be at the perinatal center filling out forms and getting ready for our genetic counseling -- again. But the we get the ultrasound and hopefully find out if this is a boy or a girl.
Dang I am exhausted though. Normally I have been waking up at 5ish in the am and not getting back to sleep, not today, I was still fast asleep when DH woke me up.
But I kept dreaming about the ultrasound. In one dream I was seeing one of the docs at the office and she was doing it but she was mad about something so it was a 1 minute "quickie" and I couldn't see anything, she started fussing at me for eating baloney (which I don't eat) and then left so I didn't even get to find out the sex. I told DH in the dream fine, I didn't cancel my one on Friday so I guess I will go do that one. but I was so upset and mad.
The second dream the ultrasound was more detailed by a bit but something was wrong, they couldn't tell me if it was with the baby or the machine and were trying to figure it out when I woke up.
The third dream I was at this strange house like a bed and breakfast with my dad and my family waiting to go to the ultrasound. It was snowing although kids were running around in swim suits. Finally it was time to go but I had to go upstairs to get my suitcase before we left. I was in a hurry cause I wanted to go to the ultrasound but as I was going up the stairs all these old ladies on canes (like 50) started coming down the stairs.
Weird dreams huh? I guess I am anxious about this ultrasound.
I so hope it will be a little boy but if it is a girl, we will love her just as much. (we just have SO many girls in this family already LOL)
So 1pm I will have the counseling, hopefully within 30 minutes or so we will have the ultrasound. I just so want to know this baby is healthy and everything is okay.
ITS A BOY!!!!
That's right, the beautiful little baby I have waited for for so long is a boy, the little boy I have dreamed of one day holding in my arms.
And to make it the best day of my life, he is a healthy amazingly perfect little boy. No genetic markers that would indicate downs, no abnormalities noted, nothing out of the ordinary. He had a strong heartbeat and a beautiful body (although he kinda looked like an alien LOL)
He was perfect and beautiful and amazing and a miracle. With everything that sometimes goes wrong with the world, sometimes it is amazing at what goes right.
Sometimes being a mom really sucks.
I love my daughter to death but I am over her right now. I sent her an email I think I referenced in an earlier entry and I received not a single response. She didn't respond either to my email or text yesterday to tell her that the baby is a boy.
Instead she emails her step sis and starts whining and going on about the baby. She said that she has never felt adopted until now and now I am so excited and so happy about the baby that I obviously don't want her in my life any more. She went on that I have "abandoned her" and thrown her to the proverbial wolves, that I refuse to help her and would be happy if she never came home again.
I am like d*a*m*n*i*t Tiff, get a clue. The baby has NOTHING to do with this and you are NOT going to make me feel guilty or upset about this beautiful child growing inside of me. We never made a secret that we were going to have a child, we waited until Tiff was done with high school and in college intentionally so she wouldn't feel misplaced. That waiting effected our fertility and even potentially the health of the baby but we waited any way.
The reason I am taking the steps with Tiff now is BECAUSE I love her, not because of the baby or me trying to get her out of my life. But she refuses to get a job, refuses to take responsibility, lies and manipulates everyone to get her way and essentially refuses to grow up. I am done. Its tough love, I cannot keep giving her money and bailing her out so she can hang out with her friends and get drunk and stoned, that has NOTHING to do with the baby. She is the one who left, got on a plane, went to Chicago over my objection, didn't bother to get a job the entire summer and is now stressing over how she will pay her room and board next term. She is mad I won't pay it even though I specifically said I would not.
And yet here she is with this guilt trip that if it wasn't for the baby, I wouldn't be taking this position. GRRRRRRR
The baby has nothing to do with it. I have really gone out of my way with Tiff to make sure I evaluated every choice for that reason.
So its been a rough few weeks.
My niece and nephew have came to visit for two weeks, Katie is 9 and Ronnie is 13. I haven't seen them for three years so they have grown a lot. It has been a trying time and they are here for another week. Don't get me wrong, they are pretty good kids, just so much energy, very clingy and its just been a lot to handle.
Then last Friday, I was at a deposition in Temecula when I get a call from the camp they are in, the kids were at the beach and Ronnie had gone out too far and went under. Lifeguards rescued him but they put him in an ambulance and took him to the hospital. Thank God Charley was able to get off and go meet him while I drive like nuts from 1.5 hours away. He was fine, they decided he just swallowed too much water and we needed to watch him.
Sat we took the kids to the zoo which was fun, but in regular 13 year old style, Ronnie was "bored" cause there were not any rides around. Sigh.
So its Monday now and I am at work and the kids are at camp. At 1030 my office manager comes running in yelling something about the phones and where my phone was? She said we need to figure out why the phones don't work and kept trying to use my phone to all 911, (we apparently have Internet phone service which doesn't call 911?) I was like what? do you need to call 911? Our receptionist may be having a heart attack.
I was apparently the only person who had any first aid training who was present so suddenly I am helping her while Linda is calling the paramedics. She was breathing, barely, but still okay, her chest hurt really bad and she kept dry heaving. FINALLY the paramedics got there but it was not a pretty scene. Our receptionist is a very large lady like 300 lbs plus and we are on the second floor with no elevator. They were able to finally get her down after stabilizing her.
So since then, the baby has been kinda upset I think, probably all the adrenaline, cause he wont settle down and keeps kicking. Guess I woke him up!
And to add all that, Tiffany is apparently coming home Wednesday. She has apparently decided she is NOT going back to school since she didn't work but will just play around or be an idiot. IDK, I just am not ready to deal with her on top of everything else. So all three girls will now be living under our roof again.
I would really like everyone to go away for ONE week and let me and DH have our house to ourselves and some peace and quiet, just ONE week? is that too much?