An Xmas Miracle in the Making!

86 posts / 0 new
Last post
Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335
An Xmas Miracle in the Making!

3weeks and 4days

Well, I got a BFP today... It was faint but definately there!!!

I knew at the beginning of this cycle that I would... I don't know why. We discussed TTC last cycle as we really wanted baby #4 to be a December baby, but for some reason I just knew we needed to wait until this cycle cos we'd have more luck with a New Years baby... I don't know why.

I have had awful symptoms for at least the last week or so... Feeling sick, tired (I now have to nap during the day), sore boobs, spots, tender and bloated stomach... The whole lot, even down to heartburn, constantly needing the loo, feeling like I've got a stuffed nose, over-eating and leg cramps and sore back.

I have never had a BFP this early... So am quite nervous, especially as it's only 12DPO and the test was faint. And especially considering my history of MC. But I just knew the last month or so that we are meant to have a December 2005 baby. Beyond a shadow of a doubt. And I knew we'd get our wish too.

So today I have been playing on a ton of websites about pregnancy! I did this online pregnancy predictor thingie at http://www.pregnancyandbaby.com/read/articles/736.htm which said;

The day you deliver, outside will be foggy. Your baby will arrive in the evening.

After a labor lasting approximately 7 hours, your child, a girl, will be born. Your baby will weigh about 8 pounds, 11 ounces, and will be 21 inches long. This child will have green eyes and be almost bald.

It did make me laugh out loud. That'd be the longest labour I've ever had! I'd like a girl but not overly bothered and am leaning more towards feeling Boy vibes this time around (although with the boys I felt girl vibes so who knows!). And it'd be very strange if our baby had green eyes, as noone in either of our families has green eyes so far as I'm aware!

I also did one sex predictor thingie which was spot on for all the boys but again predicted a girl this time around...

We don't plan on finding out though. I want to be the one to look at our Christmas miracles "bits" and announce what sex we've got!

Our current plans regarding the labour and birth are to go largely unassisted, with just a midwife present in the case of an emergency... Although I want no examinations, and I don't want any help. I want a natural birth, between just me and Martin. Not to say that I don't want others present. I am going to have a home water birth, Martin will be in the pool with me. MIL, and hopefully my Mum will be there. The boys will obviousely be present in the house (upstairs with FIL)... Might even let me little sister be there if she really wants! Blum 3 Full house, woohoo!

The only thing that is important to me is that I am in control of my body for once. I want to birth my baby, naturally... And if I'm allowed I want to catch him/her too...

However, I am high risk... So no-one will agree with this decision... But that won't stop me. If they don't agree they won't be invited. Simple. I planned homebirths with my 3 DSs and was always foiled at the end... I'm not letting them do that too me this time!

Anyway... I really wanted to get a BFP for Tristan's 4th birthday tomorrow... And I did! Smile This pregnancy has good omens all over it I reckon and I intend to enjoy every minute of it!

Next thing to think about, is when and who are we going to tell.... :shock:

Love,

Sarah-Jean

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

3 weeks and 5 days

Took another HPT and got a BFP again! So I think that's probably enough convincing for me for now... I'll go to the Drs next week and get another urine based test done there, just so they've got it on their records and I can then make my booking in appointment with the Midwife.

We were talking girls names last night... If we're having another boy we've already got a first name, but for a girl we've got nothing and I'm sure it'll be a huge debate throughout this pregnancy. Names we've sort of put on a long list that really stood out were Guinevere, Allanah, Brooke, Bronwyn, Anya, Comfort, Scarlett and Willow... But I doubt we'll actually ever decide on a girls name unless our baby bean comes out without the required boy bits!!!

Am still feeling pretty crappy today... I don't know how I'm going to cope if it gets much worse, with Martin at work....

It's Tristan's birthday today... I caved in and told him cos he's been talking about a new baby for ages now! He's excited but I think he's forgotten already! Blum 3

To my Baby Bean:
I'm so glad to finally be able to write to you. Daddy and I have waited for what seems like ages for this time to come around and you are our Christmas dream come true. We told your big Brothers, Tristan and Jaeven today. They were excited, they've been talking about your arrival for the last 2-3 months now. We're all really looking forward to getting to know you better and finally meeting you in December... You'll be the best Christmas present anyone could ever wish for!

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

3weeks and 6days

Well, my Mum found out yesterday. She didn't sound too pleased and hasn't mentioned it again so far. She's been quie verbal in her disagreeing with us TTC #4 before this time next year though, so I'm not really surprised.

Next we've go to tell Martin's parents. I think his Dad will be really pleased. That's one of the reasons we bought it all forward, so his Dad would hopefully still be around to meet what will probably be his last Grandchild.

I am actually feeling a bit better now. I think because I now KNOW it's morning sickness and pregnancy symptoms I've been feeling I can use my mind over matter techniques to help block it all out (ah the joys of being a qualified hypnotherapist!)... So today I am feeling quite a bit better sickness wise. However I can't blot out the tiredness or the hot flushes I seem to be getting.

I am determined that this pregnancy will be my healthiest. I don't care what "they" say, I am going to be damned healthy this time around. I have suffered throughout all my other pregnancies in one way or another and this time it is NOT going to happen. If other women can have healthy pregnancies then so can I!

I was a bit pissed a couple of days ago when we found out. I sort of made a joke to Martin saying about going out for dinner and celebrating and he indicated that we would... Next thing I know I'm in a car full of bloody smells of MacDonalds (which really makes me feel sick right now!), despite the fact that before he ordered it he'd asked me and I said it made me feel sick.... Grrrrr... It must be nice for all these women who have romantic husbands that actually get excited and want to celebrate. Frankly I wouldn't know. For all his telling people how romantic he is, I've never bloody seen it. I just get to hear about what he had planned but OMG something came up at the last minute or I ruined it in some way so he's not going to bother.... Grrrr. So far all he's done is go round and tell the odd person it's a "possibility" and not a definate. Including me! As if I don't know what it feels like to be pregnant!!!

He is REALLY pissing me off at the moment. He doesn't even have to DO anything, just the way he breathes pisses me off. :twisted:

Ah the joys of early pregnancy hormones!

It will be interesting being a doula AND being pregnant at the same time!!!

To my little Baby Bean:

Hang in there! Stay strong and don't give up! It's very, very quickly approaching the time that most of your brothers or sisters have decided to depart, but you stay strong for us and we promise to love and cherish you forever!

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

4weeks today!!!

Well, I told the GhostHuntersUK team last night... They really need to know because of GhostFest and when we're out investigating I can't lift the equipment.

I also got a call from SMH asking me if I could do some shifts on the wards... I explained the situation to them too and they were fine. Apparently if I do a fair bit of work in the run up I can claim some sort of maternity leave payment. Sounds good to me, but I am ONLY working nights from now on.

I am feeling OK today... Extremely tired though as I woke up at 3am and didn't get back to sleep until gove 5:30am... And woke up again at something like 7:30am to look after the boys whilst Martin went to work. So whilst I feel OK, I can barely keep my eyes open and have a smashing headache. I think it's going to turn to a migraine.

I am just about to call my GP and arrange for one of his crappy tests. I don't know why he insists on doing these as they're so hit and miss as to their results... I'd much prefer a blood test but we don't seem to get those very often in the UK.

To My Baby Bean:
Hang in there, you're doing great. We're all so excited that you will be joining us soon! You must be growing so much now... I can't believe it'll only be approx a week before your heart starts beating, 8 weeks until we see you for the first time, and about 12 weeks before I start to feel you moving... How exciting!!!!

EDITED TO ADD:

I think I got my EDD wrong... I think I'm due on the 28th and not the 29th.

At any rate here is my 4week bely pic, taken a few minutes ago!

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

4weeks and 1day!

Ok, I am officially in a no sleep zone. :cry: I am having really, REALLY vivid nightmares EVERY NIGHT.... Last night I dreamed that I started bleeding really heavily today in front of the boys, it was literally just pouring out of me! The night before I dreamed about a plane crash and zombies... I am seriousely scared of zombies... And even worse, these zombies had zombies coming out of them!!!!!!! :eek:

Sigh... Am having my normal stomach cramps, which are really painful... I don't think it's gas because I get this everytime and it's not the same sort of pain as gas. Probably just my uterus stretching or something... Thankfully not feeling too sick now, but my legs are constantly needing to move especially at night or the pain and aching is horrendous. Am still dog tired. Can't seem to get over it except by having a nap during the day and that is impossible with the boys the way they are right now... Might try and get them into some sort of afternoon rest thing.

Tristan and JJ were so cute this morning. I could hear them talking from upstairs, just as I was getting up. They were telling Martin that they'd be good boys for me today because they didn't want the baby to "come out" yet!!!! Lol

Oh, I started an expectnet game yesterday, even the boys have had a go! It's at http://www.expectnet.com and our game is called hosierbaby4.

Anyway, I won't be able to do updates tomorrow or over the weekend until Monday as I am away on my doula training course.... But will update off line and post it all up here!

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

4weeks and 5days

Well, my morning sickness has pretty much disappeared except for on certain occasions when it jumps at me again.

I keep meaning to go to the Dr and get my tests confirmed but to be honest AF is late, I had two BFPs and I feel and look pregnant, so I am in NO DOUBT whatsoever and don't really feel the need to stress myself out with having to deal with my really bad and really annoying Drs... I'll probs just give them a call around 10weeks and say "hey, I'm 10weeks pregnant, I need to see a midwife!" and then blast the Hell out of them if they say no or get difficult with me again.

Besides, from my experiences, despite being classed as high risk throughout all of my pregnancies, they won't actually DO anything anyway.... So yeah, I'll get in touch with them IF and WHEN I can be bothered. If I get to 10weeks and still can't be bothered, then I probably won't bother then either. Likewise, if I wake up tomorrow and think "OMG, I must get to the Drs and get this sorted" then I will.

LOL Both Tristan and JJ are now saying they reckon I'm having a boy... I swear it changes with them everyday now! And they both remember that there is a baby in my tummy... I thought it'd be like when I was pregnant with Raistlin and I sort of had to remind them all the time cos they just didn't get it!

My Mum was talking to me a bit about the pregnancy a few days ago... I was really surprised, but tried not to say too much. It's a shame cos I really want to talk to everyone and anyone about how excited I am and yet I can't cos nobody is very happy for us or wants to share in our excitement. My brother completely cut me down the other day, I was so upset I spent an hour crying... But my Mum was at least positive when she spoke to me the other day. She was talking about what I wanted to do in the labour and stuff. She's worried about me having a homebirth because she had dangerous PPHs afterwards that would have killed her if she hadn't been in hospital. I did listen, and I do care, but I really want a home birth this time.... I've never had complications during labour or birth before, so I really don't see that the chances are above normal for me to have a bad experience.... I can't wait to tell Martins parents. I know they'll be excited for us as they have already been asking when we intend to have baby #4!

To our Baby Bean;

Hang in there! You're being so good already and your brothers can't wait to meet you and neither can I. I think Daddy and I have just about decided on a name for you depending on whether you're a girl or a boy and we can't wait until we finally get to meet you!!!

Everyone else seems to be fairly excited about you too... And talking more and more about you in a positive light. Not that they ever spoke of you in a negative way, they just weren't overly pleased that we decided to have you quite so quickly. But Daddy and I just knew now was the right time, for you and for us as a family. We can't wait to meet you!

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

4weeks and 6days

I can't believe I'm almost 5 weeks pregnant!!! How funky is that?!!!!

It just feels like time has flown by and yet is going soooo sloooowlllyyyyy!!!! I am hungry ALL the time right now! And can't get anough of any kind of meat!

I don't really know what to talk about... Everything seems to be going well. I know in my heart it is. I still have felt no compulsion to see a Dr or tell any of my healthcare providers... I still have no bad symptoms. Just feeling fine, thinking of my ever enlarging family, making plans for the future... Trying to kick start Martin into doing the house up... That's an ever lasting battle I can tell you!!! Lol

To my beautiful Baby Bean:

We are loving you so much already. Tristan and JJ talk about you constantly and I'm hoping they will be there when you arrive! I just can't wait for you to join our family in person! I seems so unreal right now. We can't wait to see you making Mummy fat, to feel you kicking against your big brother's eager hands, to see your piccy on the ultrasound, to hear your heartbeat on our doppler... We just can't wait! Your big brothers found our doppler machine yesterday and bought it over and asked if we could listen to you... Unfortunately I had to say you were too small, but you were growing quickly and we'd be able to hear you soon!
Hang in there baby, we all love you sooo much already!!!!!

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

5weeks today!!!!

Well, today JJ is saying we're having a Girl baby... And Tristan is still sticking with Boy baby!!!

I have some major gripes with Martin. But he's upset me so much I can't even be bothered to talk to him. It's like he's ignoring my current pregnant status because he's having his own private pity party... In all my last pregnancies he used to rub my back everyday because I get serious backache due to an old injury... This time I'm lucky if I get a minutes worth. He's pointedly ignoring my pregnancy or the fact that I am supposed to be resting and trying my best to make it past the "danger zone" (Once I get to 7weeks I'll be happy!). In truth I think he WANTS me to miscarry cos he's suddenly decided he's got more important things to think about.

He never brings up the pregnancy subject, he sighs whenever I want to talk about it, I am currently expected to do everything I used to do with no opportunity to rest. Every two minutes he's asking me what work I'm doing. He's insisting I work a shift at the hospital this week (right smack bam in the middle of the time I normally lose my babies)....

I seriousely think he's trying to kill my baby. I think he wanted a month of "sack" free sex and didn't really believe I would become pregnant. I am so disgusted with him I can barely bring myself to talk to him or touch him right now. I doubt he even reads this, despite the fact he normally trawls through my emails....

On a lighter note I don't know how Raistlin is going to take to being a big brother. He is so clingy towards me, he's my little man!!! Tristan and JJ know that there's a new baby coming soon... But you can't really explain it to a 1 year old. I am hoping they can all be there for the birth so they can really see how a baby comes out of Mummy's tummy... And maybe being there for the birth will be better then just waking up one morning to find another baby in the house. I mean let's face it, that must be a shock and a half!!!!

Anyway, I will be updating this post later on (tonight) with a 5week belly pic!

EDITED TO ADD:

5week belly pic as promised!

Love,

Sarah-Jean

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

5weeks and 1day

I am so worried. For the first time this pregnancy, I am really really worried. I am booked in to do a night shift tonight. On a heavy duty ward with lots of lifting, dementia (last time I dealt with dementia patients I got slapped in the face and kicked in the stomach) and a high percentage of deaths. Not only that but I've been sort of hinted at that at the moment they're a "closed" ward because of an infectious illness (I do know which one, it's of no real harm to me)....

For the first time this whole pregnancy I have a really bad feeling about this. I am so scared this is going to be the end of my pregnancy... :cry:

I can't cancel it now though, it's too late. They didn't really give me enough notice to be able to cancel. I don't even think my uniform will fit me to be honest... Which is going to be a major problem for me sickness wise, cos I can't stand anything tight around my stomach right now...

Baby Bean:
If you're listening, and I'm sure you are... Please hang in there. I will try my goddamned best to avoid any real work, but even if I can't please don't leave me... I won't be doing another shift for awhile, just hang in there for this one....

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

5weeks and 2days

Not really much to talk about today. I didn't do my shift yesterday, Martin called and cancelled it for me after harrassing me into telling him why I wasn't talking to him! Blum 3 He spent quite awhile last night rubbing my back on and off which relieved the pain a bit...

Today I am suffering from really bad stomach cramps.... I don't really know what to do with myself, just staying bent double really. I have these cramps in each of my pregnancies up until 12weeks, sometimes even further....

Anyway, am feeling tired today and headachey... And crampy... And generally achey, so I'm going to go for now!

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

5weeks and 3days

I can't believe I'm almost 6 weeks now!!! Yesterday it felt like things were going sooooooo slowly and today it feels like they're whizzing by!

I think my Mum is more accepting now of this pregnancy, and Martin is making some effort with me now as well... So I don't feel so isolated anymore.

They were all trying to guess our names last night... They got Lucian right... And James guessed that the girls name begins with A and my Mum guessed that it was L afterwards! LOL It was so funny!

Still no real symptoms... Apart from the fact I'm suffering really bad back and stomach aches and cramps, I wouldn't know I was pregnant. My stomach suddenly feels like it's bloated out physically, and feels really heavy and painful. Blah...

Anyway, I have the day all to myself, and not entirely sure what to do!!! I keep thinking I should be resting but I have this urge to clean and stuff that I'm trying hard to ignore!!!!

Baby Bean:

You're doing really well so far! I can't believe that this has all been so smooth so far and I feel so healthy!!! Thank you, for not torturing me so far!!!!

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

5weeks and 5days!

Oh dear... Morning sickness has caught me tonight... Along with a really nasty sore throat. I am so not a happy bunny today... I've had a really good day, but this afternoon I just started feeling so shitty I don't know how I'm going to live through the night!!!!!!!

Blurgh.......

If I feel like this tomorrow, I don't know how I'm going to cope... I've got to take the boys to parent and toddler class then gym.... AND look after a stray dog we found today until someone reports it missing!!!

Baby Bean:

We love you so much... We told Grandad Barry about you on Saturday night and he seemed quite happy! Everyone else seems to be warming upto your ever pending arrival, and your big brothers are as excited as ever! They were helping me at bowling today incase I hurt you - it was only their second ever game!!!!

Can't wait to finally meet you!!!!

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

8weeks and 1day

Well, I haven't really posted anything in awhile. To be honest, I haven't really felt like it. It seemed to me that I was the only one who acknowledged I was pregnant so what was the point? Now Martin is a bit better about things, but he doesn't seem to get the idea that I might be suffering from morning sickness or fatigue, or aches and pains....

And now everyone I know is clucking around and gossiping about some bitch that reckons she may be pregnant. I should have known really that someone would steal my thunder, and how pathetic does that sound!!!! The thing is everyone is really excited and up-in-arms about it, despite the fact she's an awful mother to the children she's already got. I suppose that's more exciting then talking about my pregnancy, where I actually care about my children and can provide for them. And me? Well people barely notice me, let alone acknowledge my baby.

Anyway, I went to the Drs earlier this week due to some spotting and loads of cramping. They have referred me to the Early Pregnancy Unit tomorrow for a Scan or something or other. They tried to fob me off saying that they didn't see pregnant women until they were gone 14weeks, which I know is a load of BS, so I kicked up until they saw me basically. I am fed up of always being ignored by the health "professionals", when I know for a fact if I was in my 30s I'd have been seen by everyone and his uncle at the first phone call!

I keep having freaky dreams. The last three nights have been dreams about this scan tomorrow... I keep dreaming we go in for the scan and they won't let us see the screen to begin with, then when we finally convince them that no matter how bad we want to see they turn it around and it shows I'm pregnant with twin turtles!!! I am going to find out today from my Mums dream book what turtles symbolise, cos I'm freaking out here!!!!!

Anyway I better be off....

Love,

Sarah-Jean

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

9weeks today!!!! (Should be 8+4)

Well, I went in for my scan on Friday (it's now Sunday!), took bloody hours of waiting around. My Mum wouldn't babysit the boys so we had to take them with us. They were quite good, played in the waiting room of the EPU. The Midwife checked me over and then sent me back to the waiting room to wait for my scan. When the sonographer came and called my name, we all got up to go and she said the boys couldn't come in. I pointed out that the boys were 100% involved in my pregnancy and were also home educated and so were learning as we went along... So she said she'd do two scans. One to check for problems with just me there, then another with the boys there so they could see the baby! Which was cool!

We were a little surprised though when they announced I was further along then we thought and my due date is....

CHRISTMAS DAY!!!!!!

They also said my baby was big already for it's gestation and if it carried on at this rate the chances are I'd be having the biggest baby I've had yet, and also that the chances are I wouldn't go overdue although because I'd delivered on my due date previousely, there's a slim chance it'll happen again. I didn't realise they could tell all that already, seems a bit early to me... The midwife (not my midwife, just a clinic midwife) also said that they'd changed their policies and were hugely in favour of home births, so assuming I was healthy and fine they'd actively encourage me to have a homebirth... And apparently the midwives fight over who gets to go to home water births because not many people in MK have them!!!

Anyway, so instead of being 8+4 today, that makes me 9weeks!

Cool!

Love,

Sarah-Jean

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

9weeks and 3days!

Well, I had a call from the hospital yesterday regarding my urine tests from Friday. Apparently I have an Ecoli (sp?) infection, so she said she'd fax over my results this morning and I had to call and make an appointment to discuss it further with the GP.

So I called my GP office today, and they said they hadn't yet recieved the fax but booked me an appointment for 4:40pm today to see the GP and hope the results are there by then.

I suspect it will just mean a course of antibiotics. I was actually in two minds as to whether I should bother making an appointment or not to be honest. I don't feel unwell, although I suppose that would explain the bad stomach cramps I get on and off... And I hate popping pills, especially antibiotics. But then I thought I might as well get it seen too and over and done with.... Blah!

So that's about it for now.... Loads of people are guessing on my expectnet game! I can't believe it! So far we have had 13 guesses! Mostly from pg.org members! Woohoo!

Love,

Sarah-Jean

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

10weeks and 1day!

Wow! I am seriousely loosing count of how far gone I am now... For some reason I thought I was only 10weeks today! :-?

Anyway yesterday for the first time ever we heard Jellybeans heartbeat on our doppler!!! Woohoo!!!!!

It was really fast and really strong! So cool!

My infection has flared up... I am in agony at the moment. Sad I went and finally got my antibiotics yesterday and started taking them... I'm supposed to take 4 a day but could only fit in 3 yesterday with a reasonable gap between them.... The Dr prescribed me Cefalexin 250mg capsules. Let's just hope it does the job...

I also have an eye infection and I think my cold is coming back... Am so peeved with being sick!

Oh, and morning sickness has hit me now.... Great.....!!! Lol I thought I was just coming out of the nasty part of pregnancy!!! heheheh

Oh, I've also booked in for a booking in appointment, which I believe in the 9th June.... That should be interesting!

Baby Bean:

Stop torturing me!!!! Wink It was lovely to hear you with such a strong heartbeat yesterday, thank you for sticking with us! Your brothers are all really excited, although they're still divided between whether you will be a little girl or a little boy! Tristan is adamant you're a boy and Jaeven is adamant you're a girl! Although we have all agreed we don't care what you are, so long as you're healthy!

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

11weeks and 5days!

I had my booking in appointment with my midwife yesterday. It was OK, I'm a bit pissed cos she wouldn't schedule me in for another ultrasound until I'm 20weeks, which basically means I'll have to fork out a couple of hundred for one, but other then that things went OK.

They had to stab me three times to get blood out!!! LOL And then informed me I'd have to go back in four weeks to have more blood drained from my body...

They checked the heartbeat and that was good and strong... Which was a relieve as I'd had bleeding on the Wednesday and the Saturday before then, and was worried which was why I wanted another scan...

I'm feeling pretty damn good, even if I do seem to be constantly ill at the moment and very tired!

I'm thinking we may have to find out the sex of baby bean this time around... Tristan and JJ are really, REALLY arguing now over whether we're having a boy or a girl... And I'm wondering if it may be better to just find out and get the arguements and fighting over with and save one of them from being too upset when the baby is born.... Only problem is I REALLY don't want to know!!! Doh!

Maybe we could get our sonographer to write it down, stick it in an envelope and get someone else to open it and tell them which it is.... They're probably likely to let it slip at some point but at least they know and don't argue anymore!!!

I don't know... So confusing!!!

To my Baby Bean;

I can't believe you're going to be 12weeks tomorrow!!! Go baby! Go baby!!! We all love you so much and are all really, REALLY looking forward to seeing you come Christmas Time!!!!! You're big brothers can't stop talking about you, even now!!!

We all love you very much! Stay healthy, little one!

Love,

Sarah-Jean

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

12weeks and 4days!

Well, I haven't really been writing much recently because we're now stuck on dial-up internet until around the 27th of this month... And dialup is so crushingly slow it's frustrating to come online much!

Anyway, I had a killer yeast infection recently. Was really horrible, worse then anything I've ever had, but I used a pessary last night and today it seems much better.... And I also have some cream for it as well...

I am suddenly terrified of having this baby. I don't think I want to be pregnant anymore! I mean, with 1, 2 and 3 kids we are relatively comfortable. We can still do things that most people our ages can't or don't do. We still go out loads (with and without the sprogs!), go away loads, have all the nice things we like to fritter money on.... But with 4 I can't see us still being able to live the lifestyle we have now... For one, unless I can get the front airbag removed from the passenger side of my car, I'm going to have to get rid of it... For two I was hoping we could go on some nice, romantic holidays alone as the boys will be old enough to leave for a week soon... And now that's gone too.... Infact holidays on the whole will be out I suppose.

Martin doesn't agree... He says, the same as he said with all the other kids, that nothing will change.... But I just can't help but feel really gloomy about this whole thing now. As though my future has just gone out the window. I don't really know why, I just suddenly feel like a condemned woman.... I never felt this way with any of the boys, so I don't really know why I feel this way now. But it's causing me to have really dark thoughts.

I mean, I have suffered from depression quite badly for about a year now (I always hid it beforehand) and then when we found out I was pregnant, that really lifted and went away... Maybe it's back. I don't know.

All I know is I feel like shite about being pregnant and having baby #4. I can't even bring myself to go to the Dec birth board anymore, cos I feel like I'm the only one who feels like this...

Don't really know what else to say....

I can have a private scan in a few more weeks time... I am thinking about inviting my Dad along, as he never got to be involved with any of my previous pregnancies, but I don't want to upset my Mum either.... And if we do have one I really want the boys to be there and then that brings us up to too many people present. Argh!

My head is all over the place at the moment, so I'm going to go for now....

Love,

Sarah-Jean

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

12weeks and 5days

You know, I am so fucking pissed off with first time Mums to be telling me how to parent - AS IF THEY'D SODDING KNOW!!!!

"Oh, you HAVE to have that, it's essential!"
"Oh if you DON'T breastfeed without medical reason then you're evil."

God. Get a life. You don't know anything about real parenting yet, you have yet to learn and make the mistakes that ALL parents (especially first timers) make.... When you're on baby #4 THEN get back to me and tell me I'm a bad fucking mother. Until then shut your fucking trap and go read your useless parenting books believing they're actually accurate and I'll laugh when you fall on your face and complain cos it all went wrong.

Don't get me wrong... I don't dislike first timers... I'm just sick of a person who has NEVER been a parent, telling me I'm doing things wrong or I should be doing this or that.

You know what. I made my mistakes. I wasted my money. I read all the parenting books. And I'll have to reassure your lame arse when you come to realise that you are also not practising what you've been preaching to experienced parents for the last 9 months.

That's my rant done.

Oh, and word of warning. I don't care if you don't like reading this. Don't bother to complain to me if that's the case cos I won't bother reading or replying. My journal, my life, my opinions.

Sarah-Jean

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

Wow. I'm a moody biatch sometimes.

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

13weeks and 3days!

I am feeling a bit better this week... Feeling little flutterings, which is really odd as with the others I felt definate kicks, and never had the fluttery feeling... So this is a bit different!!!

I am wavering on the finding out the gender thing... I don't really want to know but I am a planner and it's hard planning things when you don't know what you're having!!!!

I am beginning to show now too... Which is sort of good, but I think I need one of those shirts that says "pregnant - not fat" on it!!! Blum 3 hahaha The hot weather is killing me too... But at least I don't have the morning sickness through the hottest months this time around!!!!

I have got myself into a bit of a routine... And the boys are beginning to get really excited! I can't wait either if I'm honest!!!

I am thinking of doing some work on my Baby Caddy this summer, but not sure if it's safe to do that sort of thing... I mean I'll be leaning all over and under the car, so not sure at the moment....

I guess I'd best be off... I'm being hassled for lunch by boys and stomach!!! I guess that's baby bean telling me to eat something!!! Biggrin

Love,

Sarah-Jean

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

15weeks today!!!

I can't believe how quickly this is all passing. I barely even really seem to notice I'm pregnant these days, let alone acknowledge it. I even have a small bump but barely notice it. How strange!!! With all my other pregnancies I was painfully aware I was pregnant, and enjoyed every minute, every second of it... I couldn't get enough of it. I don't know why this time is so different for me emotionally, when I really wanted to be pregnant. :-?

Anyway, I am suddenly not feeling so good. I think my BP is up again... But I can't find my machine to check so who knows. And I think I'd rather not know if I get Pre-Eclampsia this time round. I know people will read this and think "you stupid cow!" but before I was always diagnosed, tossed from pillar to post, untreated and shoved in hospital for weeks on end despite the fact they couldn't be bothered to treat me in any way, shape or form. I just can't be bothered with the hassle this time around.

I'm trying not to think about it. I'm sure my midwife will take my BP on Thursday when I go for more blood tests. I will be interested to see what it is. My starting BP in all my other pregnancies was always fairly low, with the bottom number generally being around 60. This time though, despite the fact I felt healthy and unstressed, my starting blood pressure was 105/75. Much higher then ever before (the only number they take notice of here is the lower one)...

Anyway, my SPD is back with a vengeance. Really, REALLY bad. Worse then ever before. I can barely move at times, let alone walk. The pain is keeping me awake at nights and I find it difficult to wake myself up come the morning as I am normally exhausted by then. I really think I need crutches already, but I know there's no point asking because the last two times I was diagnosed with SPD they just shrugged their shoulders and told me to get on with it. Also I'm worried about telling them about it because they basically said if I have ANY problems at all, no matter how small, they would not allow me to have a home birth.

I have also been suffering really badly from painful Braxton Hicks. I think this is way too early, compared to my other pregnancies, where I suffered from painless BH for a few weeks before they turned into contractions... And this time they're really painful and coming several times a day, especially if I move around or walk.

Anyway, I'm sure this will all be discussed if I can be bothered, on Thursday. Maybe they'll have some constructive advice for me and can lay my fears to rest. Hopefully, I might also find out who my new Obstetrician consultant will be seeing as I point blank refuse to see myold one. I suffered his lack of care in my last three full term pregnancies, can't be bothered with it again.

I promise to take a piccy soon, showing how big I am already!!!!!

Love,

Sarah-Jean

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

15weeks and 1 day!

Ok, here's the most recent belly pic we took... Sorry about the stretch marks! I was 14weeks in this one!

Love,

Sarah-Jean

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

15weeks and 5days!

Well, I had my midwife appointment yesterday. Didn't really think it was appropriate to post about it considering the problems in London etc... But now, in typical English Manner, we are back to virtual normal and refusing to let anyone kill our spirit I think it's OK.

Tristan, Jaeven came along with us, although we left Raistlin at my Mums as we knew I was having the double test and didn't want to juggle three kids whilst trying to get blood from my unyielding veins!!!

The boys were fascinated by the needle and blood thing - it was quite amusing!!! We listened to Jellybeans heartbeat, which was 143bpm... My blood pressure is good, which is a relief...

At my last appointment my measured stats were;
Weight 67kgs
BP - 105/75

And yesterday it was;
Weight 68kgs
BP - 100/68
Heart BPM - 143

I am going back again for my next appointment in 5 weeks time... On my Mums birthday - eep! :shock:

Love you Jellybean....

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

15weeks and 6days!

Argh... I am so fed up with being fat and ugly and pasty coloured. I don't know what's wrong with me, normally in pregnancy I feel really good about my body but this time around I just feel awful. I want it all over with so I can get on with getting my body back....

I'm really, REALLY paranoid about it. Not good as I used to have an eating disorder not disimilar from anarexia... And am already finding my aversion to food is cropping up... Can't... Do... This... Whilst... Pregnant. *slap, slap, slap* :shock:

Maybe that'll knock some sense into me! Biggrin

I am rejoining my gym on Wednesday, am going to start going at least once a week, hoping for twice. Just for swimming and gentle workouts... I am also going to start using tanning beds occasionally... Just to get like a base tan - I'm so fed up of looking like snow white, even throughout the hottest summers.... Only problem is I can't find any conclusive data as to whether it's good for you or not...

I found this from babiesonline;

This is one of many articles posted weekly on http://www.tanning-beds-resource.com/

With summer approaching, you would love to wear those cute maternity sun dresses, but you don't want to show off your pale white skin. Now, you need to decide what is the best way to tan without possibly putting your baby in danger. Tanning beds during pregnancy are just as safe as tanning outside in the direct sunlight.

At this time there are no studies on the effects of tanning beds on the unborn child, so anything you hear is nothing but myths. The UV light used in tanning beds do not reach the child, therefore your baby is not at risk.

During the first trimester your doctor will advise you not to do anything that will raise your body's temperature, such as hot tubs, saunas, and tanning beds. But, it may be okay to have 10 -15 minute sessions while lying on your side or standing in a tanning booth, to prevent your blood flow from being restricted.

The most important thing to remember is to stay cool and drink plenty of fluids. Your skin during pregnancy is also sensitive to burning, so you should start with short sessions until your body is tanned. Pregnancy and tanning beds is no more harmful to your child than lying in the sun. Just use common sense and make sure you are comfortable. It's always best to go with the motto, if you think it's not worth the risk.. then don't do it!

And then this from StorkNet;

Tanning Beds During Pregnancy
by Cynthia Flynn, CNM, Ph.D.
Q. Is it safe to use a tanning bed at 6 months of pregnancy? I'm going to the beach for a week and wanted to get a base tan first, so I don't burn to a crisp

A. I don't recommend anything to my clients that might raise their core body temperatures--hot tubs, saunas, sunbathing on a hot day or tanning beds. I know I'm probably being too cautious and that probably nothing bad would happen, but I'm just not willing to take the chance. I would tell my clients to stay out of the sun anyway, so you wouldn't need a base tan!

Now even I know that what she's saying is BS, so I didn't pay any attention whatsoever to the StorkNet one....

I'm just confused. As I said, I've never used one before and this'd probably be the only time I'd ever use one, cos I don't want to be pasty white... And I wouldn't use it very often, just to get a base tan so to speak.

Argh! So confusing! Meh, I don't know what I'll do..... I'll need to think on it a bit more.

Anyway, this is me, feeling pretty shitty, except take out the pretty bit! Blum 3 Meh, at least Martin said if I don't get down to an acceptable shape (for me, not him!) by the end of year one, then he will consider me having cosmetic surgery!!! Woohoo!!! Liposuction here I come!!!!

Blum 3 LOL j/k

Love,

Sarah-Jean

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

16weeks and 3days!

I am sooo freaking pissed off. My midwife TOLD me she'd arrange a different Obstetrician for me as I HATE the old, annoying bloke I had with Tristan, Jaeven and Raistlin... And told her I would not be interested in seeing an obstetrician if I had to see him.... She told me in good faith she'd be arranging someone else - she was going to phone them as soon as I left my appointment.... And what happens?

Today I get my appointment for my 20week check up, with my Obstetrician... The same annoying old fart of a man I had in all my other pregnancies. Same useless old codger who should have retired years ago and is about as effective as a dead donkey.

Screw that for a laugh. I'm not going. It's the day before my next appointment with my midwife anyway, so what's the old bint going to do... "Ah yes... You're definately pregnant! I know, I've got 25 years experience of pregnancy and birth." HAVE YOU EVER ACTUALLY GIVEN BIRTH???? NO??? Then piss off! I know when there's something wrong with my body, like there was in all my other pregnancies. Don't need him telling me it's all in my mind. :roll:

Anyway... I signed up for a gym today... I go along to see a personal trainer tomorrow at 4pm. Am hoping she can give me some advice on exercising during pregnancy etc... As I reckon if I can keep my joints loose and active the pain from my SPD might not be so noticeable.... I get used to pain if it's there all the time... I can't stand being stiff and unmoveable as I am at the moment. Wincing with each step I take.

Blah!

Better be off and get ready for tomorrow!

Love,

Sarah-Jean

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

17 WEEKS TODAY!!!

My resolve is falling VERY fast!!!!

I WANNA KNOW THE SEX!!!!!

I am not doing any guesses this time around as to what we're having, as I am ALWAYS wrong... I said all three boys were girls!!! LOL Although if asked this time I genuinely think we're having another boy... I just want to know!!! NOW!!! Blum 3

I've done a whole load of gender predictors recently... This is what they showed....

Hmmm... Am playing with gender predictions... Here goes...

http://www.webwomb.com/chinesechart.htm Says... GIRL!

http://www.babyman.net/ Says... GIRL!

http://www.chinagold.com/verify.htm Says... GIRL!

http://pregnancyandbaby.com/read/articles/736.htm Says...

Madame Zaritska's reading

Madame Zaritska, our resident clairvoyant, wants to help you prepare for the arrival of your child. Here she does her best to predict certain aspects of your labor and birth experience.

What she senses for you
The day you deliver, outside will be rainy. Your baby will arrive in the morning.

After a labor lasting approximately 3 hours, your child, a BOY, will be born. Your baby will weigh about 6 pounds, 6 ounces, and will be 20-1/2 inches long. This child will have blue eyes and some blond hair.

Pretty obvious the baby will have blonde hair - all the boys do!

I had a dream the other day that I had another boy... Mind you that means very little seeing as I dreamt with Raistlin that I was having a girl!

Argh, just wanna know!!!!

Anyway, I best be off.... Got too much stuff to do today!

Love,

Sarah-Jean

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

17weeks and 3days!

I can't wait! Martin has agreed for me to have another BabyBond scan so I can find out the gender of Jellybean!!!

I've been suffering recently from depression, and have NOT bonded AT ALL with this baby and not really enjoyed this pregnancy. Infact at times I wished it'd just go away....

I really think if I know the gender or at least have another scan I will feel closer... With all the others I'd already had a number of scans by this point and yet this time around I've only had only scan and that was at about 8weeks or so and you could hardly see anything. Hardly erm... Exciting.

I have my Anomaly scan on the 8th August, but they're so impersonal and rushed... Nothing more, nothing less....

Martin doesn't want to know the sex, he's quite disappointed that I have changed my mind and want to find out... I've said I'm going to keep it secret from him now! I'll get her to write it down and put it in an envelope and I'll read it sometime when Martin isn't around!

I'm really excited. I want to go for my scan NOW NOW NOW!!!!

Jellybean:

I can't wait to see you again. I want to feel closer to you, I really do and I'm praying that this will help me.

Love,

Sarah-Jean

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

18weeks and 1day!

Only two more days to go!!!! Only 50hours until I find out the sex of Jellybean. It's a scary and yet slightly exciting thought.

I don't have a preferance either way... I'm convinced Jellybean is a boy, so is most of the rest of the family except Jaeven who insists Jellybean is a girl and our friends all say Girl.... Only 50hours until we find out one way or the other.

I'm not taking Raistlin to the scan. I'm going to take Tristan and JJ but I think Raistlin is just too young and would get bored at having to sit still looking at a black and white screen. He just doesn't understand about small baby's. He's the baby, so far as he's concerned! And of course he is... He's only young!

Anyway... My money is going on Boy... If anyone fancies having a list ditch guess you're free too on my http://www.expectnet.com game under the name Hosierbaby4

Love,

Sarah-Jean

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

18weeks and 4days

I wouldn't say I'm disappointed with the gender of my 4th baby as I fully expected that I'd never get a little girl, EVER!... It's the way things seem to go for me these days...

But I do feel numb. I don't feel anything at all. Nothing. From about 10weeks I've had nightly nightmares all concering being pregnant with a 4th little boy and him being stillborn... He always dies before birth. Now don't get me wrong I don't really think it'll happen, but having found out today that my baby is infact ANOTHER little boy I feel nothing at all for this pregnancy.

My DH says it's a safety trigger in my brain... But I'm not sure it is. I just feel nothing. With DS3 I felt bitterly disappointed. I actually found out I was having DS3 - another boy - on my 21st birthday and it completely ruined my evening... I expected that I would feel something this time around - especially if baby turned out to be another boy.

Well, it is another boy. And I feel nothing.

We probably won't have any more children, so I will never have the opportunity to style a daughters hair, or buy girlie things for birthdays/christmas. I'll never have to worry about boyfriends or any other horrible things that may happen. I'll never experience any of that. I'll never be there for the birth of a grandchild. I'll never be there to choose a wedding dress. Everything I always hoped for as a mother has gone. And I feel nothing. I can't even go shopping now we know we're having another boy because we've already got everything. With DS2, DS3 and now DS4 I NEVER got to go baby shopping because we already have everything we could ever need for boys.

I am worried because I feel nothing. I want to (well I don't, but you know what I mean) feel angry, or disappointed, or even slightly upset...

What's wrong with me? I have no feelings for this baby at all. Sure he's cute on his US but that's it. It feels like he's invading my body and I just want to get the labour over and done with, have my body back and focus my life on trying to forget the things I'll never experience as a mother and being a good mother to the children I have.

All our 4 children were planned. And even though I was bitterly upset when I found out DS3 was a boy I got over it in a couple of weeks and now he is the light of my life... But I'm worried because even before we found out the gender I had no feelings for this baby at all.

I admit I have suffered a large number of multiple losses, but I'm never usually worried about things going wrong. My DH and Mum think this is some sort of safety mechanism turning feelings off in order to protect myself IF something were to go wrong, but I disagree because I'm a huge believer in what will be, will be and have never been afraid in my pregnancies and don't feel afraid in this one. Infact I just want it over with now.

Even my DH who is normally thrilled with having boys was upset after the US... It's so unlike him, it was me comforting him. He got over his disappointment within an hour or so (or so he says) and has been telling everyone about our new baby boy.

My DS2 refuses to believe baby #4 is a boy. Everytime you mention the word about the baby being a boy he screams and shouts about how it's a girl and not a boy... I think it's because he thought the baby would be a girl and now he's disappointed he was wrong.

I'm upset for my family. We all REALLY want this baby, but it just feels like I've let everyone down for having ANOTHER boy. My DH is disappointed, my DS2 refuses to believe it, I'm numb, the only happy one is my DS1 who is thrilled with the whole thing!!! But then he said all along it was another boy.

I just don't know what to do. I feel like I should feel something, anything. Any emotion right now I could handle, but feeling nothing just seems so wrong to me....

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

18weeks and 5days!

I'm feeling a bit better today. Still feeling very detached but I haven't really felt upset, or annoyed, or angry, or disappointed so I take that as a good sign! Smile

I'm actually beginning to enjoy being pregnant a bit now... Although I still have been having the nasty dreams involving him dying before birth... Not helped I suppose by the painful braxton hicks... I suppose maybe it is a safety mechanism and I'm just trying to not get attached incase anything really does go wrong... I'm not worried about it, but I know I'd be devestated and I never have easy pregnancies... Let's face it 6 out of 10 of my pregnancies ends in death. 2 out of 4 ended in life threatening illnesses, 3 out of 4 culminated in horrific pain for months on end in my legs so I could barely walk.... And all of them I've basically been ignored by the medical profession!

Oh, I got my AFP and Downs Syndrome test results back - Normal to Low risk! I expected as much to be honest though as I've never had bad results and my age is with me on that one!

Today I am going to capture images from my US DVD and put them up here for all too see!

Oh, and Martin has decided he isn't sure on names anymore... We're tossing up between Ashton (my favourite) and Reuben I think at the moment... Not sure though. It's got to go with the other boys names...

Love,

Sarah-Jean

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

18weeks and 6days!

I fell down the stairs today... Owie. I was carrying Raistlin at the time too. Not sure what happened, I had got to just below halfway down, the next thing I knew I was in a crumpled heap at the bottom of the stairs with Raistlin on top of my stomach crying. I couldn't move for about 10minutes afterwards, just cried it was so painful. Raistlin thankfully, just seemed scared rather then hurt - poor thing it must have been a shock to him.

I have really badly hurt my left hip/buttock and my right thigh. I have also been having more frequent painful braxton hicks all day now as well, although I have felt him moving around so not too worried about those. Strangely there is no bruising, but the pain is awful. I am hobbling around and can't sit or lie properly as no matter what position I'm in it hits both those sore points.

Owie.

Jellybean - you're torturing me!!!!

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

19weeks today!

I think I need my midwife. I don't know why but I'm in a lot of pain, having a LOT of braxton hicks (painful) and am not feeling too good. I'm sure I blacked out yesterday on the stairs and it's not the first time either. I know it's not anything to do with anemia, as my counts were better then average on that scale but I also feel something is horribly wrong. I know he's still alive in there cos I feel him moving a fair amount (well none stop almost) but something doesn't feel right.

I just can't shake this fear that I am going to loose this baby. That I am going to give birth prematurely, or he'll be born still.

I don't know how to get hold of her though. I don't have a number, my GP surgery is closed, I'm only 19weeks so not comfortable phoning the labour ward... I have no way of getting hold of my midwife.

Oh and I'm still in AGONY from yesterdays fall down the stairs.... AND I'm home alone.... :cry:

I suddenly feel very scared.

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

LOL a second post today just to post up these scan pics from Wednesday!

Well, my favourite ones at any rate!


Our first view of Ashton! His head is on the left, his body going down to the right. At the top of the piccy you can see his elbow and arm clearly, his fist was clenched in this one! And below you can just see his arm going up by the side of his head as he was scratching himself!


Pretty much the same as the picture above.


Now he's scratching the other side of his head too!


His whole body. He's got a hand under his chin hence the reason his face looks blurred, and to the right of the picture you can see his bum and some of his legs. One bent under him and one stretched out above him.


Here he is yawning... Think he was pissy at this point cos he had to take his hand out his mouth to yawn!


General profile of his face and body. You can see he's got quite an upturned nose. And if you want a real gross out you can see his brain and in his body you can see his heart and some of his lungs.


This was taken just before he put his hand in his mouth. He then bit himself and it must have hurt cos he pulled his hand out his mouth very quickly, jumping at the same time and then kept opening and shutting his mouth and pouting!


And erm... I'll give you three guesses how quickly we figured out whether he was a boy or a girl!!!!

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

19weeks and 2days!

I am really enjoying this pregnancy now, despite the fact I feel like crap!!! Ashton and I have a game we play, whenever he kicks me, I poke him back, then he kicks me again and it goes on and on!!! It's so funny to watch! He's got such a personality already, I think he's going to be a cheeky bugger like Jaeven!!!!

I am really beginning to think about the birth now... I know it's really early but the house really needs to be seriousely ready for it and we will need to get a box together or labour and birth stuff that we'll need, plus packing a hospital bag I suppose "just in case"... We need to arrange a meeting with Martin's Mum to sort out what our wishes are and let her know what will be expected of her etc. Probably do that in the next few weeks...

The plan is still much the same as before. Home water birth, either myself or my Mum will set out a Christmas buffet when I go into labour so everyone has something they can nibble on and something they can drink. Champagne on ice I think too! Biggrin So far the list of persons that will be there is Martin, Mum, Martin's Mum, the boys, Rachell and possibly Martin's Dad upstairs or something... Oh and 1 or 2 midwives if I can be bothered to call them!

It seems like there's so much to do I can't help but panic as to whether we'll get it all done or not in time! Plus we've still got to book the pool, I have a very specific style in mind, it's got to be one like we had before that self cleans and comes with a heater, so we can just fill it up and leave it a week or two in advance. We'll use it as a jacuzzi until I go into labour!!! Blum 3

We also need to make a hospital plan I guess, as to what will happen if we have to transfer or what will happen if we don't get a homebirth as an option!

So much to plan and arrange! So little time! Panic, panic, panic!!!!

Ashton:

I can't wait to finally meet you. I'm not getting impatient yet as I know that I am going to enjoy every minute of this pregnancy from now on, no matter what is thrown at me! Your brothers are excited, Mummy and Daddy are excited, the extended family are excited - none of us can wait! We all love you so much already! You stay healthy in there little man!

Love,

Mummy

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

OH MY GOD! I'M 20WEEKS EXACTLY!!!!!!

Picture time me thinks!!!!

I am feeling really, really fabby! I am loving being pregnant and sad to think it'll end soon. Sad I am already thinking about having baby #5 and #6!

I have my 20week anomaly scan tomorrow. Have no idea what time it's supposed to be though so am just going to turn up for about 9:30am and wait it out I guess! Again we're just going to take the two boys if I can get my Mum to have Raistlin, as he just completely doesn't understand the concept that there's going to be another baby around soon! And he'd play up I'm sure with having to sit around for ages before and during the scan.

I am confident of a healthy baby, so am just looking forward to getting another peek of him and seeing how much he's changed!!! Can't wait!

Anyway, I'll go get out of this horrid nightie and get a piccy taken and put it up tomorrow!

Love you Ashton!

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

20weeks and 3days!

So I went for my Anomaly scan on Monday. I was dreading it as the waiting room is always crowded, you end up waiting an hour for your name to be called and then it's all over in like 3 minutes!

Well, it'd have never happened if we wanted it too, fir the first time ever the waiting room was empty, we barely sat down before they called my name and we were in and out within 11minutes!!! Even Raistlin came along as we couldn't find a babysitter!

I am feeling much better then I have been today. I actually feel relatively healthy and very excited about the birth. Tomorrow I have a midwives appointment at 3:05pm. I was supposed to have a Consultants appointment today, but as per normal, they didn't listen to the fact that I point blank said I would NOT accept the same consultant I had for all my other pregnancies ever again, and booked me in with him. So I didn't bother going. If they can't be bothered to listen to what I want, and exercise what is my legal right to ask for a different consultant then I can't be bothered to turn up for the appointment.

Anyway, I am just arranging a meeting with my MIL to discuss my birth requirements as she's really excited about finally being there for one of the births of a Grandchild. But I think she's a little worried about what will or will not be expected of her, so we're just going to arrange a meeting to discuss all of that stuff with her.

Other then tomorrow, my next few posts will probably be about the birth etc... And some plans and stuff. I know it's early but I am generally not very healthy in the later stages of pregnancy and my SPD is getting worse by the day (I actually collapsed the other day, my hip just gave in for the first time ever and couldn't support my weight) so I want to have my "birth box" ready by the time I get to about 26-28weeks....

Oh, I forgot to add... I bought a couple of bibs the day we found out we were having another baby boy, and a camera for the car so I can watch what the boys are doing in the back whilst I'm driving. Last week we bought a 7 seater Chrysler Voyager which should be ready in the next few weeks too. And I bought a Ring Sling to carry Ashton around... It's a lovely purple colour but I have absolutely NO IDEA how to use the bloody thing... Even after looking at pictures on how to use it I still couldn't figure it out... Sad

Anyway, I better be off!

Love,

Sarah-Jean

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

20weeks and 4days!

Well my midwife appointment was fantastic today. I didn't tell the boys I had one though as I couldn't take them and if I had have told Tristan especially he'd have been really upset.. Sad My Mum went with my today, which was quite cool! We had a good laugh with my midwife, Jan.

My BP was 110/70 so bloody fantastic! If I carry on like this I will get my home birth! Woohoo! She wants to keep a really close eye on me this time around and so has booked me in for an appointment in 4 weeks time and then another one 2 weeks after that!

COME ON BABY! IF WE CARRY ON DOING GREAT LIKE THIS, WE'LL GET TO HAVE THE BIRTH THAT IS BEST FOR US!!!!!!

Love,

Sarah-Jean

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

20weeks and 6days;

There is waaaayyy too much to think about with home water births... Mainly, I'm trying to remember where it was I got my last birth pool from cos it was fantastic! And secondly I'm trying to figure out what I may/may not need and where to store it all and when I need to have everything sorted by!

I think if my 26week appointment is still good, then I will definately get my birth box sorted and packed with all the things I'll need for 30weeks. Then I've got 10weeks to just chill and not worry cos everything is ready!

God. I have to FIND a box I can put the birth stuff into - eep!!! :shock: And then WHERE do I put the box?!!! Argh!

We have an old duvet which we'll probably put on the floor or something, just cos we're looking for an excuse to get rid of it and what better reason! My Mum has also said she has some old sheets etc that we can have... Other then that I'm clueless.... I think I need to go read some websites on this again. I've done all my research into home birth and know a lot on the subject, except the practical things I'll actually need to protect my furniture and floor coverings, and transfer placenta etc etc etc.... Hmmm....

Better be off to do that then!

Love,

Sarah-Jean

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

21weeks and 1 day!

I can NOT believe how nearly over this whole pregnancy is... I'm so sad... Sad Sniffle.

I never want this to end, and yet I really do want it to end cos I want to meet Ashton finally.

I think he's going to be really hyper... He's so active compared to all the others. He moves almost NONE STOP. I've never felt anything like it before. My painful braxton hicks have died down thank God... I'm still getting the Braxton Hicks but they aren't painful anymore. Which is nice. Apart from my SPD and some tiredness (OK, all day tiredness, all night awakeness!) I am having the healthiest pregnancy yet - despite not paying any attention whatsoever to the Midwife/GP or being ovrly careful about what I eat or drink.

To be honest, I've sort of reached the point where I realised how miserable I am when I stick to all the rules, and then inevitably I miscarry. But when I just say to Hell with it all, and do the things I like, eat the things I like, drink the things I like - I carry to term and have super healthy babies.... What's with that?!!! Lol Guess I've always been different. Like Folic Acid. I point blank refuse to take it during pregnancy, cos each time I have, I've miscarried. The only times I didn't take it are the times I carried to term and gave birth!!! LOL

Besides, I figure if I was starving or food was limited I'd eat anything and everything I could get my hands on - so why should I limit the things I love to eat??? And I love to have a glass or two of wine with dinner - why should I stop that? OK, cut down drastically, but not stop altogether. It's what my body is used too and dinner seems like fast food take-away without a nice glass of wine to wash it down with! MMMMmmmmm.... Take-away...... I'm hungry!!!!

I love my Ashton so much....

I was thinking about my disappointment with JJ, Raistlin and now Ashton when I found out they weren't girls... It's strange, because I feel like that must mean that boys aren't good enough, as we'd probably have stopped having more kids if we'd had "the set"... Or at least one of each... And yet we keep going. But my heart says that's not true. I LOVE having boys. If all I had were boys then I'd be happy and I am happy... I don't know why I want a little girl... I think it's just the fact that society these days says your family is incomplete if you don't have at least one of each gender. Or maybe it's the "you always want what you don't have" factor? I never wanted a girl when I was younger, I always only really wanted little boys and yet here was I, upset with each of my last pregnancies because I HAD the boys I wanted...

It's not helped by the fact that Martin's family on one side view having boys as a bad thing. I haven't seen or spoken to them in years because the last time we visited his Grandparents they basically said our kids weren't good enough because they were boys.... What??!!! Woman. If you weren't over 90 years old I'd smash your face in with that bottle of Sherry you're clutching!!!!!!

I much prefer Martin's Nan, who's of the opinion that God truely loves you if he gives you little boys. I believe that. Boys are fabby and I can't wait to have Ashton join us...

Anyway, I am writing crap now, so I better go.... I just can't believe that a few weeks ago I could barely even think about this pregnancy as a good thing, and now I'm so bowled over by it that I never want it to end.... Biggrin

Love,

Sarah-Jean

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

22weeks and 3days!

I haven't written in this journal for over a week! :shock: Opps!!!

Not much is happening... I'm becoming more and more immobile as the weeks pass on... One side of my pelvis can no longer really support my weight and my leg keeps caving in on me... I have nonstop heartburn that nothing cures... Ashton is active to the point that it hurts and keeps me awake at night...

Lots of niggles and pains... And I'm very emotional. I keep crying for no reason.

Oh, and we might be moving in the next couple of months - should know by tomorrow!

Love,

Sarah-Jean

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

25weeks today!!!

So I've not updated here in ages. To be honest not much has been happening. We went on holiday for 10days and got back two days ago. I'm feeling fine except for terrible heartburn, and my SPD which has left me virtually crippled. I can barely move anymore - infact yesterday Martin had to carry me everywhere. Even lying still in bed I could feel all my hip and pelvic bones crunching and grinding together... I was actually paralysed by the pain for awhile. And still the health profession has done nothing about it.

I have an appointment tomorrow to check my BP and stuff. I am going to be seriousely miffed if they still don't do anything then.

I'm a bit fed up with all this to be honest. I always end up in loads of pain and then other women just seem to sail through with only minor complaints. It's so frustrating and we have decided not to actively have another baby - I'll just be queen of the house. Of course if an accident happens, which it shouldn't, then we'd accept that but I never want to feel this way again.

Ashton's movements are extremely painful too. He moves non stop and it's not these gentle little movements with the occasional ackward kick either - it's constant kicking, punching as hard as he can - stretching my skin, kicking my organs - it's really painful. Sad

So yeah, not feeling particularly bad, just in a lot of pain. More then ever before apart from with Raistlin who I suffered horrible migraine with that lsted months on end.

I can't wait for this all to be over. Only 15 more weeks to go.

Love,

Sarah-Jean

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

25weeks and 1day

Ok, maybe I'm wrong to feel so hard done by but after my Drs appointment today I am feeling like the whole world is against me!!!

Firstly he said he'd never heard of SPD... :shock: Then he asked what I expected him to do about it... :shock: :shock: Then when I told him I'd been waiting for a physio appointment for weeks with nothing, he said I'd get one within the next two weeks... :roll:

On the upside my BP still seems acceptable. Ashton is Cephalic for the moment. His heart rate was 155bpm. And my BP was 116/76!!! Woooo!!!

It is creeping up slowly as can be seen here;
15+4wks - 100/68
20wks - 110/70
25+1wks - 116/76

I'm not worried though... I'm going to weight until my next midwife appointment in 2 weeks time before I get worried about it... If it's gone up again then from my experience it'll probably keep creeping up throughout the rest of my pregnancy until it becomes a problem - but for now it's at an acceptable level!

Love,

Sarah-Jean

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

26weeks and whatever days.....

OOOOOoooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww................

I can't take much more of this.... I wish I'd never decided to get pregnant in the first place... :cry: :cry: :cry:

Constant unending agony.... No sleep in 3 days... I want to die.....

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

26weeks and erm....5 days?!

I really can't take much more of this. I am completely unsupported here as well so I can't even rest up or whatever. I can't walk much, I've never been in so much pain. I just spend all day every day crying. I hate this baby so much. I hate my stupid body for never letting me have a healthy moment. I hate my family for not supporting me when I need it most and most of all I hate the health professionals who are supposed to be caring for me that have lef me in this condition for this long....

So, despite the only peice of advice I've been given which was to not lift the kids and not be left alone with them, I am here. Alone. For the third day running. Unable to move from the sofa... And, among other things, desperately in need of the toilet. But I can't get upstairs.

I can feel one of my hips is virtually dislocating at every movement I make, and all the bones in my hips and pelvis feel like they're grinding and cracking together. My legs can't support my weight for very long even on the occasions I can stand without peircing agony. Every movement he makes hurts like Hell. He seems to delight in causing more pain for me by kicking and moving really low down...

Th really sad thing is... I know even when I do get a physio appointment they won't do anything to help me cos I don't whinge and complain every two minutes, I don't sponge off other people's tax money or the state and I don't expect everything to be handed to me on a silver platter. I can promise that if I was 5 years older, or single, or on benefits I'd have been seen when the symptoms first started getting bad at 10-12weeks and I'd have been treated for my SPD.

As it stands, I've not even had an appointment through despite supposedly being referred twice now. I think my SPD is now too bad to treat. I think if I'd had crutches a few weeks ago it wouldn't be this bad and I could manage. As it stands now, I really don't think I could even use crutches, I don't think I could support my own weight anymore.

I can't hug or pick up my kids.
I can't get up or down the stairs without extreme pain.
I can't lie down, sit down, stand or walk without feeling all my bones grinding together.
I can't get in or out of the bath and noone will help me wash.
I can't get in or out of the car without extreme pain.

I can't do ANYTHING for myself anymore.... And it frustrates me that it's this bad... I just want to die. I wish I'd never decided to have this stupid baby. I don't want the pain anymore, and the only way it'll go away is if he does, and I'd be happy for that to happen right now. I feel nothing for him except anger for my pain. I am crying from the pain even now as I'm typing and the only people here to comfort me are the boys... How sweet and yet sad is that?

I haven't been eating properly either. Infact yesterday I had a peice of toast during the day as that's all I could manage to make... And that was more then I'd had the last few days running. A couple of days ago I went all day without anything to eat or drink because I just couldn't get anything... The only time I can really eat is if Martin is around to get me something and even then I'm not eating much - the pain is killing my apetite...

I don't know what to do... I'm at my wits end. I feel so bloody miserable and it never ends and it's only going to get worse and worse.... And everyones acting as though there's nothing wrong with me because I always manage to get through these things OK. The last two times I had SPD despite the pain it didn't limit me overly much as pain doesn't usually bother me too much once I've got used to it being there. I've been in pain for most of my life through one illness or another.... But this.... This is worse then anything I can remember because there's nothing that can be done about it and it has virtually disabled me from even pretending that I'm OK....

I don't know what else to say.... I'm exhausted....

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

27weeks and 1day!

I am feeling much better after my rant the other day. Not physically but mentally. I am still in agony, but you can't let pain beat you down right?!!!

Today I FINALLY got my Physiotherapy appointment through. It's on the 29th with a woman called Jo apparently... I'm going to kick some arse to get some crutches!!!

I have my midwife appointment today in about half an hour... Am really nervous. I think my BP is rising as I'm having some symptoms that I used to get with Tristan and JJ, such as seeing stars, feeling headachey and sick, pain under my ribs... I'm using positive thinking though - my BP will be low, my BP will be low, my BP WILL be low!!! LOL Blum 3

I am loving feeling little Ashton moving and kicking at the moment... He's so cute and he reacts to EVERYTHING. So far I've not had any feet under my ribs, which is a first, but then he seems to be really low down compared to all the others... All the movement is down in my pelvic region - ouch!!!

Anyway I will post more later after my midwives appointment... Fingers crossed it all goes OK and I'm still on track for my homebirth!!!

UPDATE:

Forget I spoke...

Well I have no idea what my BP is, but my guess is it's through the roof. I walked in agony to my car, first time in awhile cos I can barely move around my house without Martin having to help me in some way. Got to the surgery only to be told my midwife had cancelled my appointment today without informing me.

I almost burst into tears I was so angry and frustrated and in so much pain.

I am now going unassisted.

I have no obstetrician and haven't seen or heard from one this whole pregnancy, despite being high risk. My midwife was supposed to have sorted me out with one when I was around 12weeks.

I only just got my physio appointment today a massive 15weeks after requesting one.

And now my midwife can't even be bothered to tell me she's cancelled my appointment despite knowing how much pain I'm in.

Sod that for a laugh I can't be bothered anymore. I have not made a repeat appointment and will not be returning for one. IF my midwife should want to see me at some point, she can phone me at home and make an appointment to come to my house to see me. Other then that I will not be having anymore appointments unless I deem my health at risk. I will be monitoring my own BP at home from now on and will just call the Hospital when I go into labour to tell them they should send a midwife out to my house unless they want me to deliver my own baby alone!

Sorry if this sounds stupid, but this hospital and these midwives have messed me around so much in the past, with ALL my pregnancies and I just can't be bothered with it anymore.

I'll let you know how my Physio appointment goes, but I expect they'll be just as lax as they were in my last two pregnancies by telling me to go away and take a paracetemol and stop climbing stairs or going in the car or cuddling my kids...

I could just cry right now... It's only that Martin is here that I'm not.

Love,

Sarah-Jean

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

27weeks and 4days;

Got my physio today... Got some lovely PMs from some very supportive ladies - thanks girls, I will definately let you know how it goes. Your messages made me smile this morning and really cheered me up. Smile

I also got a lovely surprise through the mail yesterday... A secret baby shower gift from a lady from my birth board... I was so surprised and so pleased - it's the first gift I remember anyone ever buying me during pregnancy... It's a lovely dungaree and top set with a Christmassy picture on the front... I was so pleased!!!

It's only a few hours until my physio appointment now... Am getting very anxious. I KNOW they won't do anything, I don't know why I'm even bothering to go, I guess I just always live in hope that someone, somewhere will help me when it comes to MK Hospital.

I'll update here later in a new post... But don't expect a happy post, so please don't be offended if I rant and rave. I really AM enjoying my pregnancy and I DO love my baby, I'm just in too much pain to focus on anything much except the pain!

Love,

Sarah-Jean

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

27weeks and 5days!

Well, it appears my Midwife never did refer me to the Physiotherapist... Ho-hum, at least I got the appointment in the end though!

It went well, I think... Well, it was a good appointment but quite bad news!

After speaking to me for a little while she did say she'd have to examine me, which would mean getting me to move about and touching my pelvic region... I eventually agreed to it but only after I made it plainly clear I didn't like the idea and wouldn't appreciate any pain she caused.

She did the tests, I failed most of them miserably, although she did say my back and buttock muscles and ligaments all seemed to be in pretty good shape. It turns out my pelvis is really VERY loose and moving all over the place. I was quite a bit out of alignment and she had to manipulate it all back into place, which hurt quite a lot. She gave me a load of excersises, although thankfully she didn't tell me the list of stupid things I was told I couldn't do last time... She tried me with a maternity belt but it didn't immediately help... She said they either are a huge relief as soon as you put them on, or they don't help much at all, so she took that away for now... And she gave me some crutches to help me move about and get out and about!!!!! Woohoo!!! Victory!!!!!! heheheheh

I also have to go back in 3 weeks time for a follow up appointment and to see whether I need further treatment, which I really think I will.

Oh, and all around the front of my pelvis is quite badly swollen apparently. I hadn't even realised! So yeah, it was bad news but a good appointment cos I actually came away feeling cared for, for the first time ever!

Oh and then less then 5 minutes after having got home, my Midwife called!!! She apologised and said she thought the GPs surgery had phoned to cancel and she understood why I was so angry with her, and could she come to my house to check me over, take some baseline bloods for Pre-Eclampsia checks and do my BP on Monday morning!

I said yes because I've been going dizzy and seeing stars a lot recently and not feeling very well this last week. She said she'd check for anemia, pre-eclampsia and something else, can't remember what, as she was really hoping I'd stay healthy enough to have my homebirth this time around.

Woohoo!!!!!

I think my BP probably is rising. I can feel all my old symptoms coming back and am feeling run down and ill again. Although that could very well be stress caused by Martin and this damned house move which is taking forever and a day... :roll:

Anyway I am supposed to be working so I guess I'd better be off....

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

28weeks today!

I am really enjoying myself now. I hate the crutches, they're a PITA, but they do mean I am confident enough to go out and about now - although it seems to be that people see a pregnant woman on crutches and make a beeline to knock her down!!!

I have my midwife coming over tomorrow in the morning. She said on the phone it'd literally be a flying visit, I know she's got the clinic (which is where she should have seen me last Monday... :roll: ) so that's probably why. I'm going to try and get her to stay long enough to answer my questions etc... But basically she's only coming to check my BP, Protein, take baseline bloods, check baby's position and size etc...

I am now worrying about where exactly I'll give birth. We'll definately be in the new house and settled by then... But I can't figure out which area of the house is best and everyone I speak to who will be there has a different opinion. Most seem to think the Living room is best, as it's on the ground floor, has big double doors to the garden if I want to go out or need fresh air, is close to kitchen and a toilet and has plenty of space for everyone.

Some seem to think the guest bedroom is best as it's on the middle floor, has a double bed, near to the bathroom with large bath and not up or down too many stairs...

Personally, I wonder about our bedroom on the top floor... It'll be the comfiest room and the cleanest probably and is a fair size and has a shower ensuite. But there's not really enough seating or space for everyone, and it's up two flights of stairs which would probably be impossible to get up or down if there's any emergency... Certainely an ambulance crew couldn't stretcher me down if the worst happened.

Argh! I just don't know. I guess I'll just plan to make up each room ready for labour and then decide when the time comes... Really I'll just need to prepare the beds I suppose and make sure I have something that will save my carpet from staining as we hae cream carpets throughout the house.

Anyway I better be off. I really need to get this place clean and tidy ready for the midwife tomorrow - a near impossible task considering my downstairs is piled high with clothes and boxes... :roll:

Love,

Sarah-Jean

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

28weeks and 1 day.

So the midwife has just this minute left, along with her student. It was a good appointment in most respects...

My BP was 110/76 and there was no protein in my urine!!!! Woohoo!!! That means I'm still on for my Homebirth!!!

They took a blood sample, felt baby and checked his heartbeat, which was all fine!

Only problem is because we're moving in 3 weeks time I've been informed I will no longer be able to stay at my GP Surgery, which will mean another midwife... Sad And worse then that, the area we're moving to is horrible for GPs, there is no space at any of the clinics, the treatment is awful and I'm really frigging pissed off about it. I've moved a number of times and never been told I can't stay with that surgery, so why are they telling me I can't remain there now????

Anyway, she is letting me off and I don't have to have another appointment for 3 weeks. Although at this rate it looks like I'll be out on my arse without GP or Midwife by that point, although she did say I could request for them to keep me on their books until after the baby is born... :roll:

Love,

Sarah-Jean

Sarah-Jean's picture
Joined: 10/25/01
Posts: 1335

28weeks and 3days...

I am just trying to figure out what we might need for the birth and what I can buy or what we need for the baby...

It's difficult... Very, very difficult!!!

For the birth I have no idea where I might want to be... So I've decided to make up the guest bedroom and the main bedroom with a nice sheet, a waterproof sheet and a manky old sheet on top... Just incase!

Then I'm going to have a plastic tub filled with the stuff I'll probably need, although not sure what that might be... I guess I'll need;

Shower curtain or those plastic tableclothes
Bin bags
Bath towels
Blankets for baby
Large bowls (for placenta???)
Maternity sanitary towels
Relaxation music?
Bendy straws?

Baby Hat
Scratch Mits
Babygrow
Vest
Nappies

Emergency Bag
Gift from the boys to the baby
Gift to the boys from the baby
Food and Drink

I guess everything else will be findable in the house, such as clothes etc...

I don't know if I'll need anything else... Have no bloody idea... Will have to ask my Midwife next time I see her!

Pages