I give up. I'm going into hospital to give birth and that's the end of my dream of having a home water birth. I can't handle this anymore as I am completely unsupported at home and I know after Ashton is born I will need a fair amount of help. As it is I'm not getting enough help at home already, one of my legs has completely caved in (I think I've damaged the muscle) thanks to a cramp I had the other morning, and so I can't really walk, certainely not up and down the stairs. I can't sleep cos my SPD is so bad now thanks to a lot of walking I've been doing and well... As I said, I'm getting no help at home.
Martin is now so pre-occupied with the rest of his family that the kids and I come way down the list of importance... The house is a state and I can't clean it, he keeps leaving me for hours on end despite my having regular contractions, with no modes of transport (he keeps taking the car keys with him) and no money - often leaving my medical notes and emergency hospital bags locked in the car. He keeps insisting I do things that are really unsuitable to my condition, like on Monday I must have walked a good 3 miles without my crutches because it suited him and his Mum... Then yesterday he had the audacity to ask me what would make things easier for me for these last few days and I told him I'd like to be able to relax. I knew full well even when I bloody said it he wouldn't do anything to help and I was right. He has buggered off down to Stoke Mandeville again this morning, leaving me with all the boys to get up and ready, he's buggering off to pick his Mum up from her hotel because she was too selfish to cancel it when his Nan needed to go to hospital for her operation, and then this afternoon we're both heading back to Aylesbury for the 3rd time today to see his Nan when she comes round from her 2nd Operation.
I should just mention, I think Martin's Nan is fantastic and I love her to bits, but I'm absolutely shocked, stunned and disgusted by the lack of care shown by Martins Mum towards her and the jealousy she is currently displaying.
I'm just so fed up right now. As I said the house is a tip, I can't go up or down stairs (it takes me over 10minutes to get to or from my bedroom), I'm being left alone despite the fact my midwife that saw me yesterday thinks it will happen anytime now because I'm contracting regularly...
And then there's Christmas... I now probably have to cook and entertain not only for the boys and Martin (which would be no problem) but also his Mum and Dad, and now I'll probably have to care for his Nan as well. The idea was that we would do everything this Christmas to make things easier on me and they've just got 100 times harder. He didn't even buy ready made roast potatoes, so now I'm going to spend all day on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day probably trying to care for a newborn and everyone else AND peeling potatoes and cooking in the kitchen...
And to top it all, because of someone who decided to live in our house for three weeks, and then not bother to pay his rent because he had an arguement with someone else, we are desperately short of cash and our finances are really screwed up... We can barely afford presents for the boys, let alone each other or anyone else... I couldn't even afford to send Christmas Cards this year... And he's just spent around £200 on his family running backwards and forwards after them. Where did that come from???? And why wasn't it there when my mobile phone got cut off, or we needed to buy the boys some presents.
This is going to be the ****tiest Christmas Ever at this rate and I just want to escape it (and Martin and his family) now... I desperately need to rest as I am close to exhaustion and doing silly and dangerous things now because I can't concentrate and I'm getting no chance of it. Last week was fantastic cos my Mum came round and helped me out with everything but she can't be here every day of the week and she isn't fit enough to help me all the time and it's the Christmas period... I think the only way I can really get the support I need is if I'm at hospital, so that's what I'm doing now...
Just got to tell Martin now....
Oh, a midwife came to check me yesterday... She thinks I am in early labour although I wouldn't allow her to check me over to see if it was or not. My BP was great, baby is good... Just a question of waiting for things to progress now as I am currently having fully fledged contractions every 10 minutes... Just a question of waiting for them to get a bit closer now.
Edited to Add:
OMG. And now I've just tried to call him to see what's going on and when e's likely to be back and he's not got ANY of his mobiles on him, despite the fact you're allowed to use them on the ward and he knows yesterday I wasn't doing well....
That's it. Not only will I be going into hospital, but if I go into labour and he isn't here, I don't think I'll bother to call him and tell him. He's obviousely not interested in how I am or what's going on.
Well, what a curfuffle! Tonight has been rather interesting. Firstly Martin and I did the dirty as a last ditch attempt to
get things going again. And boy did they seem too! I had a contraction, then another 10minutes later, then another 8minutes
later, then 7 minutes later, then 6, then 5, then 3, then 3... And it's now a bit more stable between every 3-6minutes.
Anyway, my Mum and Martin are both convinced this is it... I'm not personally but only because I've had so much fase labour in
the past nothing short of my waters breaking or a head appearing will convince me, especially as although it's uncomfortable
I'm not particularly in too much pain and whenever I change position the timing between them changes. So anyway, Mum and Martin
panicked and called the labour ward. Labour ward insisted on speaking to me. They said that I was completely unsuitable for
homebirth and they would not be sending anyone out to check me. I said fine, I'll do it all myself.
A little while later I let Martin call the labour ward again and argue on my behalf as I really want someone to come out and just
check to see if anything is happening or not... I'm still not convinced... He argues on the phone with them for close to 10minutes
in which time they even suggest that they send an ambulance out to collect me and he stays at home!!! AS IF! The net result of all
this is that they still aren't sending a midwife out to check me, but they did say that they'd call back around 9pm as they
had more midwives coming on shift then and maybe they could send someone then...
It's now 21:02 and so far no phone call... I can't believe they have basically said if I insist on a homebirth then I will have
to go unassisted... I hope, that if this is not the real deal (and I'm still not convinced it is) I don't have to deal with
this ****e when it does really happen.
Just had a call from a midwife called Sandra... Not someone I know but ho-hum I don't care. She is on her way now to check on
me... I'm hoping for an internal and good news... So fingers crossed for now. Will update when we have heard from her and she
has either departed saying nothings happenings, or things are a go!
Well, the midwife has just left. My BP is still good, baby is still head down and fairly low although not engaged really. My
cervix is apparently thick, not effaced and very posterior. Damn, damn, damn! I knew I wasn't in labour but I was kind of hoping
SOMETHING had been happening with all the pain. And worse still I think she might have torn one of my old tears from my previous
labours as I am now bleeding... Sigh...
I am going to go to bed now and try and relax... Hopefully I will feel better in the morning.
Well, I didn't go straight to bed last night... I ended up calling the midwife on her mobile as I wasn't happy with the level of bleeding plus I was/am having clots coming away that were about the size of 50p peices...
She seemed to think this was completely normal and nothing to worry about. I'm not so sure but I can't be bothered to argue with them anymore. I'm still in shock that my hospital refused to send a midwife out to me... It took well over an hour of phone calls back and forth before they eventually got anyone out to me. Had I really been in labour the chances are I would have probably given birth in that time or been very close to it...
Now I'm really very worried by all this.
Oh, and Martin is out again today. Having promised me after something of a row yesterday that he'd be hear to help me from now on... I guess the call of Mummy Dearest was more important then me or this stupid baby.
Wooo!!! I think I've just had my show this morning... It seemed to be two clumps at seperate times (TMI I know!) and jelly like with streaked blood in it... I can't remember what my last show was like with Raistlin, but I'm fairly sure that's what it was...
Anyway, we're off to do more of his Mothers bidding... Which yet again involves a large amount of travel and time in the car or wondering around the hospital... So I guess I'd best be off for now.
OMG, I'm due tomorrow and instead of resting and relaxing I am being forced into yet more stressful situations. Not that I'm surprised, I expect a hard time these days.
No sign of baby coming. I'm kind of pissed off about it actually, cos if he had have come anytime in the last few days then I could have had an excuse not to have to do all this crap.
Sigh... I'm not impatient to get him out because I don't want to be pregnant. I'd normally be really enjoying this last few days... I just want to relax and that's not going to happen unless I've popped a sprog out in the last few hours (and even then I have grave doubts if I will actually even get to relax then)...
Anyway, got too much to do today and tomorrow. All for other people naturally, nothing for myself or my kids cos we aren't important it appears.
So I guess I'd better be off. I've got Christmas Shopping and turkeys to cook of all bloody things.
I had been having contractions every 10minutes apart for about the last week or so and had just reached the stage of believing I'd never go into labour or give birth! My EDD was Christmas Day and I woke up that morning feeling a bit strange but unable to put down exactly what it was that was wrong, if anything, so ignored it.
During the day my contractions started to change and spaced out a bit further apart. So although they were more painful then before because they were around 20minutes apart I thought nothing of it and just got on with things.
By the time it got to mid-afternoon I was really tired and tried to get some sleep in but kept waking up due to stomach cramps... But again, because I'd been in pain for so long I thought nothing of it and carried on as normal.
We went to bed and watched some TV later in the evening and by 10pm I knew something was a bit off, but still didn't figure out it was the early stages of labour starting. At around 11pm I asked Martin to turn the film we were watching off (Star Wars 3) and run me a bath, and I warned him to start blowing up the birth pool as I thought I'd be going into labour soon and we didn't have a pump so Martin had to blow it up manually and I thought if he started then, then he could finish it when I went into real labour (which I thought would be several days away)...
I sat in the bath for awhile, getting more and more irritated by Martin, who was popping in every few minutes to ask me if I'd had anymore pain. By this time the contractions were coming every 6-10minutes apart and were getting more and more painful. I was having to grip the bath handles and breath through them and could see the visible signs of contractions happening when looking at my stomach.
Still I was in denial and refused to admit I was probably in labour and refused to let Martin call anyone about it as I was convinced that it'd just be a repeat of the midwives visit from a couple of nights before, where I was told despite the pain nothing was happening.
Then it all goes a bit fuzzy and I just remember Martin coming in every minute or so, looking at me, then his watch and going back out. At some point around this time he called the Labour Ward without my knowledge... I think it was possibly around 12:30pm-ish. He came up and told me what he'd done so I huffed and puffed my way angrily out of the bath to go downstairs as he said the Community Midwife would call us back.
She did, sounding very sleepy, and asked how I was, I told her I was having some pain but wasn't really convinced anything was happening and was probably just wasting her time. She said she'd get dressed straight away and come over but could she get a cup of coffee first... At which point I had another contraction and she told me to tell Martin to put the coffee on at our house!
I phoned my Mum and warned her I had the midwife coming over, but again said nothing would come of it but just thought I'd let her know just incase. Martin called his parents and made me quite angry cos he said he thought they should get up and dressed and ready to come over. Around this point I started feeling pushy and went to the loo... The midwife arrived whilst I was in there and asked Martin to help her get the Entonox into the house along with all the resus stuff. This also annoyed me but I didn't say anything.
She asked me to lie on the sofa and felt my stomach and told me I was definitely having VERY strong contractions and she needed to do an internal examination, which I consented too mainly cos I thought she'd do it and then go home as it'd be the same as before and show that nothing was happening.
She did a REALLY quick exam, (never had one so quick) and asked to use the phone. I asked her if there was a problem and she just said no, that she needed to call for a second midwife right now. Martin asked her if that meant I was really in labour and her words were “She's 9cm dialated and the only thing keeping baby in is the fact her membranes are still intact!”.
She called the second midwife out, I called my Mum, Martin called his... Then I just remember relaxing on the sofa and suddenly the pain didn't seem so bad. The midwife gave me some entonox which was a relief and took ALL the pain away (seriousely) and Martin put the birth pool down and started filling it with a bucket even though we didn't think we'd get to use it. This was about 1am on Boxing Day and whilst Martin was frantically filling the birth pool with a bucket, the midwife was setting up the baby resus area “just incase” and I was joking about how my kids keep coming later and later. (DS1 born at 28weeks, DS2 born a few days before his EDD, DS3 born on his EDD and DS4 born 1 day late!).
I can't really remember much of what happened, but the second midwife arrived and then my Mum, and Martin was still filling the birth pool with a bucket!!! At some point I told the midwives that I refused to have the baby before the MIL got there, as I was really beginning to feel like I could push him out if I wanted too. And I refused to get in the birth pool despite it being ready for me... I also remember panicking saying I hadn't realised I'd have to be naked in front of everyone and someone went and got me a shirt to wear!
As I was putting it on I had another contraction which felt really different and the midwife, who'd had her and on my stomach confirmed that he had turned his whole body and dropped down... It was a surreal feeling as I've never felt any control or any difference during my labours before.
I was finally convinced to get into the birth pool around 2am. I can't say I felt any real benefit from it as although it was all upto temperature it still felt cold and as I wasn't having any contractions or real pain at the time, I just felt wet and cold! At this point the midwife said that my next contraction would probably break my waters and he'd be born.
FINALLY at about 2:10am, the MIL got there and shortly after she'd settled in and introduced herself I had a massive contraction and my water popped and I could feel his head at the top of what I guess must have been the birth canal?
I had another contraction and began to panic as my SPD was preventing me from spreading my legs far apart and so I thought I wouldn't be able to push him out... Then as that one faded off I realised I'd have to put up with the pain in my hips if I wanted to get him out smoothly. At this point there was a midwife on either side of the birth pool, and I had my back to everyone else who were all standing quietly behind me.
At the next contraction I started pushing properly and got the top of his head out. When the contraction faded off I panted the rest of his head out, although I've got to admit the pain was so horrendousely horrible, worse then ever before, that I did end up screaming (although not too loudly!) through it.
Everyone was really quiet I think, which was fantastic for me as I completely forgot they were all there and for a couple of minutes I just washed his hair and refused to push the rest of his body out until I'd finished and his hair was clean! After I'd finished that, I started pushing again and felt his body twisting inside of me before finally sliding out into my hands. I held him under the water for a few seconds before bringing him up and giving him his first cuddle!
Magical! I can't describe the feeling of delivering my own baby... It was better then I'd ever imagined it would be!
We waited for the cord to stop pulsating before cutting it, and noticing there was what is called a true knot... I asked if this could have been a problem but they refused to answer just saying that it hadn't turned out to be so it was nothing to be concerned about.
I got out of the pool to deliver the placenta, which didn't come away complete but they wrote in my notes that it had... Grrrr... She got the main part out, then needed to pull out another bit and said it was all out, but after they'd gone I delivered some more. Also the amniotic sac was described as “ragged”.
All in all I feel really good about my birth experience, despite the fact it was far more painful during the birth then ever before... He breastfed straight away really well, is a really quiet baby and really easy to care for, so I feel really lucky! And despite all my reservations during my pregnancy that I'd never love him, it's been love at first sight and I can't bear to be parted from him!
The official stuff says my;
First stage was 4hours 20mins
Second stage was 3mins
Third stage was 8mins
Membranes to delivery was 3mins
Apgars were 9 at 1 minute and 10 at 5 minutes
Ashton Spencer Hosier
Born 26th December 2005 at 2:23am
Weighing 7lbs 9oz
I have got pictures which include some labour/delivery photo's which I will post in a new journal on the baby section or in my private journal!