Back again! Long intro, sorry! ;)
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Thread: Back again! Long intro, sorry! ;)

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    Posting Addict marymoonu's Avatar
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    Default Back again! Long intro, sorry! ;)

    Hi everyone,
    My name is Mary and this is my second time joining this board. I posted here during my last pregnancy with DS2. My pregnancy with DS1 was perfect. I couldn't have asked for a better pregnancy experience, and I'm so glad that it was my first. I got to experience the pure, unadulterated joy of pregnancy without being jaded by the experience of a loss.

    My m/c was in May 2010... It was an all-natural m/c at home with my DH and DS1 (thank goodness I wasn't at work or anywhere else.. that thought still traumatizes me, as it was bad enough in the comfort of my own home). I sorta knew that the pregnancy was doomed from the start. I started lightly bleeding a day or two after my BFP, but then the roller-coaster continued for about a month before it finally ended. I went through a million betas (at one point my doctor personally called me to tell me my numbers were doubling and he thought the pregnancy was progressing normally). Anyway, I was sick with nerves for that whole month. The physical part of the m/c was horrific and painful... I felt like I was having mild labor contractions. And the feeling of passing everything still traumatizes me to this day. But at that point, I was just relieved that it was ending. I knew something wasn't right and I was ready to move on. I considered waiting a bit, but that's not my style. I'm a doer, lol... Soooo... DH and I decided to try again right away. We didn't even wait for a real AF.

    After 28 days, I managed to ovulate again. We went for it... It was the most unexciting baby-making experience ever, haha... We were both terrified and traumatized, I think. But we did what we had to do and I got pregnant again. At exactly 9 weeks, I started bleeding. I had purchased a home doppler and didn't plan to use it at that time, but I pulled it out and decided to try it (by that point, we had already seen the hb on u/s). To my surprise, I FOUND his heartbeat. It was way too fast to be mine and I could hear my slower heartbeat if I moved it a bit. I continued bleeding for 3 agonizing weeks. In my mind, it was SO similar to my previous m/c which was just a couple months prior. I went through many ultrasounds in that time. I couldn't cope with the bleeding and I was obsessed. Going to the bathroom at work was (and still is) traumatizing. The doppler was all I had to get me through each and every day. I listened to it in the morning, after work, and before bedtime. I couldn't help it. At 12 weeks, the bleeding came to a giant head. I passed some clots, the blood was red and about as heavy as a period. It was actually Labor Day weekend two years ago (funny since that was just this past weekend this year and I didn't even think about it). The bleeding was so bad that weekend that I hid away in my bedroom even though SIL and BIL were visiting from out of state and supposed to stay at our house. I made them leave and go stay with MIL and FIL. I put away my doppler. I couldn't cope with the idea that one day I might hear the heartbeat and the next minute I might not. I called my doctor and they were able to get me in on Monday even though it was the holiday. The bleeding had eased up by then... And I got the most beautiful ultrasound pictures that day, I could see the detail of my sweet baby's lips. The bleeding never came back, and I delivered a healthy, beautiful little boy.

    We were going to wait until January 2013 to try for our 3rd and final baby, but I talked DH into trying sooner. Last month, I actually got a positive HPT, but then AF started the same day (grr). So we moved on to cycle #2 and I got pregnant. I've been a bit of a nervous wreck (as I've mentioned, the bathroom at work is a huge trigger for me... I'm always terrified that I'm going to walk in there and find blood in my underwear)... I'm trying to remain calm. I feel pretty good. I feel like I'm in early pregnancy... My body temp is high, I've had some sore boobs, fleeting waves of mild nausea, fatigue... So anyway, I'm trying to be optimistic as this is likely my last pregnancy and I don't want to wish it away or spend it being stressed and terrified. I'm trying not to think of it as "if we have a baby", but "when we have this baby" (but admittedly, that's very difficult and I still phrase it as "if" very often).

    Anyway, that's my very LONG story. Can't wait to get to know you all better. This board was a life-saver for me through the stress of my last pregnancy.

    Sean Thomas - 6/30/09 @ 7:17pm 8lb 8oz, 19", 40w5d
    Calvin Michael - 2/28/11 @ 7:39pm 6lb 8oz, 18", 37w5d
    Nolan Matthew - 5/1/13 @ 11:54pm 6lb 4oz, 19", 38w4d

    May 26, 2010 - 7w1d

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    Community Host Alissa_Sal's Avatar
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    Mary - First of all, thank you so much for joining us! So far I have found this board to be a huge source of support, and I hope that you will too.

    Everything that you wrote really resonated with me, especially the parts about bleeding through your last pregnancy and being terrified. I have a SCH this pregnancy (after 2 consecutive losses) and although thankfully my bleeding hasn't been as bad as what you had, I have had moments of complete despair where it just seemed completely impossible that things would turn out okay. I loved what you said about not spending your pregnancy wishing it away; I need to be more mindful of that myself.

    So congrats on your pregnancy (), and welcome! We will be here rooting for you every step of the way. Please feel free to hop right in on the chat thread, and post your EDD on the EDD thread, and anything else that catches your eye. So looking forward to getting to know you!
    -Alissa, mom to Tristan (5) and Reid (the baby!)

    Got an opinion? We've got a board! Come join us for some lively debate on the Face Off! Debate Arena board.

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    Mega Poster JKfmAustin's Avatar
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    Mary, CONGRATULATIONS on your pregnancy!!!

    I am so sorry about your losses. I know how stressful it can be to find yourself expecting again after a loss. You spend your entire first trimester tense and full of worry. I hope that we can ease some of your fears and support you through this nerve wracking time.

    I agree with Alissa, a lot of what you wrote really resonated with me as well. My first m/c was all natural at home and that was one of the most traumatizing experiences I've had to go through. I was up all night running to the bathroom with every contraction passing huge clots and tissue. I was bawling the entire time and couldn't believe what I was going through. It was pure torture. I still find myself saying "if we have this baby" and constantly knocking on wood. I don't think the fear really truly is going to go away for me until I have my Baby Boy in my arms.

    I'm glad you're feeling good and congrats again. I can't wait to get to know you better and share this crazy but incredible journey with you. (((HUGS)))

    P.S. - Please come join in on the Chat Thread!
    Jina (30)
    DH (32)


    DS - 1/31/13 - My IVF Miracle and the love of my life!!

    MC 8/24/10 @ 12w
    MC 1/31/11 @ 11w6d
    MC 8/18/11 @ 8w1d - ID Twins!
    CP 12/20/11

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    Mary - like Alissa and Jina, what you wrote really struck home for me. I started bleeding shortly after I got a HPT on my first pregnancy, the second pregnancy, I was bleeding constantly and took a HPT in the middle of it which came up + immediately, but I knew something was wrong from the start. I haven't had a natural miscarriage, but I had an ectopic and had to have shots of chemo and the pain was just awful.

    Anyway - the ladies here have been a HUGE support for me (and my constant freaking out!), so welcome! And about your pregnancy!
    Jessica, Tim and Baby Julie

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    Community Host Alissa_Sal's Avatar
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    By the way Mary, is it okay if I add you to the EDD thread?
    -Alissa, mom to Tristan (5) and Reid (the baby!)

    Got an opinion? We've got a board! Come join us for some lively debate on the Face Off! Debate Arena board.

  6. #6
    Posting Addict marymoonu's Avatar
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    Alissa - Feel free to add me to the EDD's. I'm not 100% sure yet, but I think May 15th.

    Jina - Your m/c experience sounds IDENTICAL to mine. Ugh. It was horrific. When I thought I was m/c-ing again during my bleeding with DS2, I left a voicemail for my doctor telling him that I just wanted to get in and have it diagnosed NOW so that I can have a D&C and not have to go through it again. He got me in and found the glorious little heartbeat that had been there all along.

    Sorry I'm just now getting back here to check in. I guess maybe it's part of the post-loss pregnancy thing, but I find myself trying to ignore the fact that I'm pregnant. I did it with DS2 also. I honestly tried not to get attached until the 24 week viability mark. *Sigh*

    This time around, part of me feels good about things, part of me feels like my optimism is a sure sign of doom. Anyway, I'm about 6 and a half weeks now, nausea and exhaustion have kicked in pretty hard. I'm having food aversions like MAD. This is a strange one for me. I had *some* food aversions in my other pregnancies, but in this one, it's to the point that NOTHING sounds good. Last night, I snacked on cooked broccoli and green beans because everything else sounded horrific. Today, I managed to eat some pizza. The fact that I feel like crap makes me optimistic, but then again I've known some girls on the boards who have had horrid morning sickness for WEEKS, only to find that they had missed m/c (blighted ovum). So I can't even feel comfortable that m/s is a good sign anymore. Blah, blah, blah!

    Okay, I'm off to check out the chat thread. Thanks girls!

    Sean Thomas - 6/30/09 @ 7:17pm 8lb 8oz, 19", 40w5d
    Calvin Michael - 2/28/11 @ 7:39pm 6lb 8oz, 18", 37w5d
    Nolan Matthew - 5/1/13 @ 11:54pm 6lb 4oz, 19", 38w4d

    May 26, 2010 - 7w1d

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    Community Host Alissa_Sal's Avatar
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    Mary - you made me smile when you said that you felt like maybe optimism was a sure sign of doom. LOL! I have felt that way during this pregnancy too, almost like if I got too excited and confident, that would jinx me and cause a m/c. Haha, have they ever been able to link "actually believing I'm having this baby" to pregnancy loss? :P

    That's why this board has been so helpful to me, and I hope it will be to you too. We totally understand what it's like to be PGAL, even the crazy nervous irrational parts.

    Off to go add you to the EDD list.
    -Alissa, mom to Tristan (5) and Reid (the baby!)

    Got an opinion? We've got a board! Come join us for some lively debate on the Face Off! Debate Arena board.

  8. #8
    Posting Addict marymoonu's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Alissa_Sal View Post
    have they ever been able to link "actually believing I'm having this baby" to pregnancy loss? :P
    I love this!! I'm definitely going to have to remember that one, hahaha.

    Sean Thomas - 6/30/09 @ 7:17pm 8lb 8oz, 19", 40w5d
    Calvin Michael - 2/28/11 @ 7:39pm 6lb 8oz, 18", 37w5d
    Nolan Matthew - 5/1/13 @ 11:54pm 6lb 4oz, 19", 38w4d

    May 26, 2010 - 7w1d

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