My name is Mary and this is my second time joining this board. I posted here during my last pregnancy with DS2. My pregnancy with DS1 was perfect. I couldn't have asked for a better pregnancy experience, and I'm so glad that it was my first. I got to experience the pure, unadulterated joy of pregnancy without being jaded by the experience of a loss.
My m/c was in May 2010... It was an all-natural m/c at home with my DH and DS1 (thank goodness I wasn't at work or anywhere else.. that thought still traumatizes me, as it was bad enough in the comfort of my own home). I sorta knew that the pregnancy was doomed from the start. I started lightly bleeding a day or two after my BFP, but then the roller-coaster continued for about a month before it finally ended. I went through a million betas (at one point my doctor personally called me to tell me my numbers were doubling and he thought the pregnancy was progressing normally). Anyway, I was sick with nerves for that whole month. The physical part of the m/c was horrific and painful... I felt like I was having mild labor contractions. And the feeling of passing everything still traumatizes me to this day. But at that point, I was just relieved that it was ending. I knew something wasn't right and I was ready to move on. I considered waiting a bit, but that's not my style. I'm a doer, lol... Soooo... DH and I decided to try again right away. We didn't even wait for a real AF.
After 28 days, I managed to ovulate again. We went for it... It was the most unexciting baby-making experience ever, haha... We were both terrified and traumatized, I think. But we did what we had to do and I got pregnant again. At exactly 9 weeks, I started bleeding. I had purchased a home doppler and didn't plan to use it at that time, but I pulled it out and decided to try it (by that point, we had already seen the hb on u/s). To my surprise, I FOUND his heartbeat. It was way too fast to be mine and I could hear my slower heartbeat if I moved it a bit. I continued bleeding for 3 agonizing weeks. In my mind, it was SO similar to my previous m/c which was just a couple months prior. I went through many ultrasounds in that time. I couldn't cope with the bleeding and I was obsessed. Going to the bathroom at work was (and still is) traumatizing. The doppler was all I had to get me through each and every day. I listened to it in the morning, after work, and before bedtime. I couldn't help it. At 12 weeks, the bleeding came to a giant head. I passed some clots, the blood was red and about as heavy as a period. It was actually Labor Day weekend two years ago (funny since that was just this past weekend this year and I didn't even think about it). The bleeding was so bad that weekend that I hid away in my bedroom even though SIL and BIL were visiting from out of state and supposed to stay at our house. I made them leave and go stay with MIL and FIL. I put away my doppler. I couldn't cope with the idea that one day I might hear the heartbeat and the next minute I might not. I called my doctor and they were able to get me in on Monday even though it was the holiday. The bleeding had eased up by then... And I got the most beautiful ultrasound pictures that day, I could see the detail of my sweet baby's lips. The bleeding never came back, and I delivered a healthy, beautiful little boy.
We were going to wait until January 2013 to try for our 3rd and final baby, but I talked DH into trying sooner. Last month, I actually got a positive HPT, but then AF started the same day (grr). So we moved on to cycle #2 and I got pregnant. I've been a bit of a nervous wreck (as I've mentioned, the bathroom at work is a huge trigger for me... I'm always terrified that I'm going to walk in there and find blood in my underwear)... I'm trying to remain calm. I feel pretty good. I feel like I'm in early pregnancy... My body temp is high, I've had some sore boobs, fleeting waves of mild nausea, fatigue... So anyway, I'm trying to be optimistic as this is likely my last pregnancy and I don't want to wish it away or spend it being stressed and terrified. I'm trying not to think of it as "if we have a baby", but "when we have this baby" (but admittedly, that's very difficult and I still phrase it as "if" very often).
Anyway, that's my very LONG story. Can't wait to get to know you all better. This board was a life-saver for me through the stress of my last pregnancy.