coming over for some support (I apologize for the LONG post!)

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Joined: 03/19/05
Posts: 338
coming over for some support (I apologize for the LONG post!)

Hey there ladies!
This board was my haven 7 years ago. I have such mixed emotions right now, and I know you all understand. Smile

Backstory:
Dh and I were TTC for almost 5 years and finally got pregnant. Everything seemed fine of course until my u/s at 10 weeks showed a much smaller baby. It even had a heartbeat. Our doc said we would most likely misscarry and was supportive of us allowing it to happen naturally. About 2 weeks later I m/c. We were devastated, but the doc was optimistic that now that my body had gotten pregnant it would again soon and as soon as we felt ready we could TTC again. We did succeed in getting pregnant again 3 months later and delivered a healthy boy (Sam). That was 6 years ago.

We started TTC again when Sam was 1 year old. We were actively charting, OPK's, etc with no luck for 3 years. I finally gave up and stopped actively trying, but continued to not prevent. Last fall we sold all of our baby stuff. I resigned myself to the fact that Sam would be an only child.

In january I fell skiing and badly injured my knee. I let it heal for 2 months then had surgery to replace the ACL at the end of April. I had some complications that delayed my recovery but was able to enjoy our family camping trip to Denali park at the end of July. AF was due to come while we were camping, each day I carried my pads in the pack in anticipation. But she never showed. When we got home I tested since af was 10 days late. I was VERY surprised to have a positive test! apparently recovering from knee surgery didn't stop us from having fun in the bedroom Smile

I had my first appt with the OB August 30th, they did a dating u/s and their calculation was one week earlier than mine. This of course stressed me out that I was destined to m/c this one like before. But everything looked fine at my 12 week NT scan and I started to relax.
We walked from our hotel to the mall for a celebratory dinner (the OB office is 125 miles from my town). I slipped on the floor at the mall and fractured my patella (same knee of course!). I had surgery the next week to wire it together. Let me tell you, surgery and pain medications on top of morning sickness is not fun!

The next week the OB office called to tell me my screening test came back with a high risk for downs, I have protein in my urine, my blood sugars have been high, and due to this "elderly" pregnancy they referred me to the Perinatologist.

I was so hoping for a relaxed non-intervention pregnancy!

The Peri has been awesome and totally respected my decision to not have an amnio. I have had 3 detailed u/s and he cannot find any markers of genetic abnormality or any issues with the baby (its a boy by the way). The only thing they can find is mild restriction on blood flow through one of my uterine arteries but the baby is growing right on track so they will just monitor it.

I am 24 weeks now and I still cannot get attached to this pregnancy. I can't bring myself to buy anything, I am avoiding the baby section of stores, Dh wants to talk names and I just can't do it. I thought by now I would be getting excited. I just can't seem to believe that I will be bringing this baby home, its like I have convinced myself that something bad will happen as a way to cope just in case.

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

Cristan! (((HUGS))) I'm so glad that you decided to join us here for support. Jessica (babywings1) is here from our BB too. Welcome! Can I add you to the EDD thread?

First of all, I am so so sorry for your loss. It is so heartbreaking to lose a much wanted baby. We understand, and we are here for you 100%.

I'm sorry that you have been having a hard time with this pregnancy. After a loss (and especially when the doctors have found anything at all to worry about) it is hard to trust that things are going to be okay, and I think that it's very common to kind of hold back from allowing yourself to fully hope for and bond with the baby as a way of protecting your feelings. I still worry about this little guy I'm hatching every day, although it's not as nagging as it was earlier in the pregnancy. I think that is a pretty common response, and one that a lot of us can relate to. Having said that, I hope that you will be able to let some of that fear go in the upcoming weeks. This is an amazing and once in a lifetime time; you will never be pregnant with your sweet little boy ever again. And I'm certainly not suggesting that you need to appreciate and bask in every moment of this pregnancy (because seriously, who does that? LOL) but I am saying that I hope you find a way to connect with it, because this time won't ever be repeated. Even if you have 6 more kids, you'll never be pregnant with this little guy again. That's what I try to tell myself when I feel too worried and upset because of my previous losses. I always say "try to relax and enjoy this pregnancy for the miracle it is, because worrying won't change anything, and this little guy is a special person that deserves to be enjoyed and celebrated."

Anyway, welcome to PGAL, congrats on your pregnancy, and please know that to some degree, I think we've all felt what you're feeling.

:bigarmhug:

PS - Please feel free to jump right in to the chat thread. That is where we do most of our talking.

Joined: 10/02/11
Posts: 1937

Hi Cristan!! I'm glad you decided to join us over here! Like Alissa said, we all know what it's like to worry. I am JUST like you in the fact that I haven't bought ANYTHING and haven't been able to get excited about the baby. I'm still scared that something bad is going to happen, so I keep chugging along. Alissa is right though, even if we have more kids, this one won't be repeated exactly. I know I should enjoy it, but I just can't. Not yet anyway. So please don't feel alone (((HUGS))) because you're not!

Oh and - my mom had my little brother when she was 40 and I have a friend whose mom had him when she was 44 and both of them are fine. I hope everything goes great for you!!

AlyssaEimers's picture
Joined: 08/22/06
Posts: 6560

Congratulations!! Hoping all is well and you can soon relax. I had a similar experience with my oldest. I had tried to get pg for such a long time. Finally after almost 3 years I was pg with my oldest Alyssa. Around 31 weeks we found out I had pre-eclampsia. I was on bed rest for a few weeks until I needed to be hospitalised. I was in the hospital for 1 week before they induced at 34 weeks. Towards the end I was almost completely blind. (Thankfully that was temporary and within a few weeks of giving birth I was fine) I was in and out of it while in labor and giving birth. After I gave birth, I was completely amazed. Through everything I had been preparing myself to give birth to a dead baby. After the miscarriages I had had, I just did not believe I was really having a baby. Then when they put her in my arms I was in complete awe. She was perfect! 4lbs. 9oz.

Joined: 03/19/05
Posts: 338

Thank you ladies for the support! It helps a lot. It helped a lot for me to get it all written out as well.

A good friend of mine is moving next month. She brought me a carload of baby gear yesterday. I tried to protest, but she knows I will use it and she doesn't want to have to move it. I think maybe sorting through it all will help me get into the baby mood.

Alissa_Sal's picture
Joined: 06/29/06
Posts: 6427

Awww, that is wonderful. I hope sorting through all of that will help you. Smile How have you been feeling lately?