Checking in + Thanks Gwen!

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sewgirly's picture
Joined: 01/01/06
Posts: 1496
Checking in + Thanks Gwen!

Well here goes I guess...

Thanks Gwen for checking in on FB. I haven't posted anything really on there or responded to any posts much either. I'm tired of the snide remarks from people and family so I'm just not saying much these days. I swear I've heard enough "it will get easier" and "God has a plan" comments that I could just puke.

I've wanted to post a few times lately but my emotions just can't be held in easily these days and DH jumps every time my tears start. I know he means well but that Mars vs. Venus thing just doesn't work at times. He wants so badly to "fix" things and I try to show zero emotion around him b/c it just hurts us both. I think he just feels so guilty not being able to provide or fix things or just make me happy. So I save my tears for places like the drive to work or in the shower where I can just feel my hurt without hurting others. I really feel like no one understands me right now. Everyone wants to say don't cry, cheer up, etc. and I'm just not there yet. So I'll try to get a little out while DH is out for a walk.

I appreciate all your prayers and thoughts girls, I really do!!!!

I've missed you girls and I hope that really soon I'll get back to scrapping. I'm just not there yet. I'm sure one day I will have lots of talented work to go back through and will be amazed by all that you girls have done lately.

So the court date came and we went... alone. They did not show and decided that day to petition his adoption. At that point, we had no other options but to just close the door. Things had gotten really stinky towards the end and it came incredibly hard dealing with her on a daily basis. My lawyer began referring to her in terms like the "drama queen" and said he felt she was borderline abusive with her words. She continued that for a few weeks after the court date until we threatened legal action if she did not stop contacting me. That was hard! She has finally stopped contacting us.

I'm adjusting to being back at school. It was really hard at first, but I've learned to put my game face on at 7 each morning and just get through the day. I have a really sweet boy in my room named Isaiah. I'm close to his family (I have taught siblings) and dad is a pastor. They came out several times and prayed for us. They even told me I could call their Isaiah "Bubba" for a while til it got easier to say that name. Its amazing the love in people's hearts, huh?

I've slowly gathered and given away most of the things we bought for Isaiah. This past week was Fall break at school and we went out of town for the week just to get away. It's very hard being in this house some days. I'm still stumbling upon hidden hot wheels and such! We had someone come in to paint his room while we were gone and clean the rest out. I was so excited to leave and know that when we got back it would be painted and made into a guest bedroom and that door would finally close. I thought if I could just erase all that, it would somehow get easier. It's not! It's as if never happened, but it did happen. DH doesn't understand. He says that he had done what I "wanted". I know he did and I guess the last thing I need is a shrine to pass by, but its gone. It's all gone!

I know they say time heals all things. So I guess my prayer should just be for time to keep passing by. I don't know when the hurt will stop hurting. We've decided to remove our profile from the waiting list. I just can't take anymore. I feel like my spirit is broken. I pray every day that God would just remove the mother desire from my heart. I'm wrestling to understand that if His will is for me to not be a mother, why he doesn't take that desire from me. I know he's a mighty God and you all know I've always been a woman of faith, but I just don't understand anymore! I feel like my faith has been tested far beyond what I can understand. It's so hard to make it to church lately and we've missed more than we've gone. I just can't wrap my head around some things right now. I'm so tired (and I know its well meant) of people saying God has a will for our life. I can't make sense of it anymore, so I've stopped trying.

I guess for now I'm letting you all know that we are living day by day and I hope that really soon it gets a little easier to enjoy life again. I'm hoping I'll soon be able to pick myself up and join the land of the living again. Maybe I'll even venture back in my scrap room soon!

Until next time!
Kelly

captainswife's picture
Joined: 11/25/07
Posts: 2687

Aww Kelly hun...that just breaks my heart. You guys have been through an awful lot and I can't imagine all you are feeling. You will continue to be in my prayers. We miss you but of course can understand needing to be away. I can only hope and pray that somehow this will all make sense and you won't hurt so bad anymore Sad We are always here for you. Much love to you girl :bigarmhug::bigarmhug::bigarmhug::bigarmhug:

MommyMish's picture
Joined: 05/30/07
Posts: 1889

Thank you SO much for checking in. You have every right to mourn for Isaiah. I pray that you continue to have outlets where you can do so. At least from me, I'm glad that you feel comfortable enough to get "gritty" around us. Please know you can continue to do that.

My prayers continue for you.

slurpeegirl13's picture
Joined: 02/26/07
Posts: 4125

:bigarmhug: Thanks so much for checking in, my heart breaks when I think of you and I hope like you do that each day that passes makes things just a bit easier for you. We're here whenever you need to talk! :bigarmhug:

LMCH's picture
Joined: 02/05/07
Posts: 2031

Kelly, I am glad you were able to check in with us here, and I am so glad you feel comfortable enough to share this with all of us. I will continue to pray for you and your DH as you continue to heal. :bighug:

coolmama72's picture
Joined: 10/20/01
Posts: 8185

Kelly, I so wish I could give you a hug in person. You need it. You need lots of hugs. And you can cry if you want to, you SHOULD cry if you want to. It's a true loss, and you need to grieve. I know you loved him (and I'm sure you still do), and the whole thing just stinks to high heaven.

I don't know what God's plan for you is, and I am severely lacking in patience when it comes to most things. But as hard as it is to take a wait and see approach, I'm going to recommend it because God's plan always has a way of shining through when we don't expect it at all.

For the record, I'm glad you told us about having the room painted. Because when I think of you, I wonder how you would do it, walk past his room and see it the way it was. Painting it doesn't change a thing, but at least the reminders are somewhat dulled. I know the reminders are always in your heart. And that's why I wish I could give you a hug.

Thank you for opening up and sharing so much with us. I will continue to keep you in my prayers.

mommys's picture
Joined: 05/08/06
Posts: 6264

Hugs! I've thought of you often and checked your blog regularly. It is nice to hear how you are doing even though it breaks my heart at the same time.

:bigarmhug:

Breen31806's picture
Joined: 09/05/06
Posts: 1172

Kelly thank you for checking in with us. I've been thinking about you and praying for you guys. I'm glad you are so comfortable to share with us like you do. :bigarmhugs: You'll continue to be in my prayers.

K9Trainer's picture
Joined: 09/25/06
Posts: 4065

Ditto to what everyone else said Kelly. I am so thankful that you feel able to open up to us. I wish I had the right words for you. I can't imagine what you are going through.

:bigarmhug: Still praying for you.

tialee's picture
Joined: 10/29/07
Posts: 2779

Kelly, Thanks for checking in. My heart hurts for you. If you get a chance read my pm. (I sent it 2 wks ago) No need to comment back just somethings I wanted to tell you. Hugs my friend.

sadieruth's picture
Joined: 06/09/05
Posts: 6169

Kelly-

I know I haven't been on here as often, so we don't "know" each other as well, but please know I have been thinking about you and praying for you.

I too don't know what God's plan is either. This is something I struggle with. My SIL has lost baby, after baby, and I wonder why all the time. It's hard not to. It broke my heart reading you want Him to take the mother desire out of your heart. I know I haven't been through what you've been through, but if He doesn't take it out, there's a reason! I believe you are meant to be a mother. I don't know when, but I do believe it. I love you hon! Still praying! (((HUGS)))

scrapangel's picture
Joined: 10/05/07
Posts: 807

Thank you for checking in. I can not even imagine what you are going through. All I want to say is we are all here for you if/when you need. And I will continue to pray for you.

As for those tears that keep coming, they will stop eventually.

auret's picture
Joined: 08/23/06
Posts: 1558

:bigarmhug:

I truly wish that these weren't virtual hugs, but that we could give you a huge group hug all at once and shed a few tears with you in person!

I don't want to claim to understand what you're going through or have knowledge of God's will ... but I do pray that you will find the peace that passes understanding!

Still praying for you and your DH!

:bigarmhug: :bigarmhug: :bigarmhug:

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I think Gwen summed up the way I'm feeling completely. My heart breaks for you and your husband! I cannot understand how that woman could be so heartless!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I am glad to see you check in. :Bighug: I will continue to pray for you

Cherrykitten's picture
Joined: 07/03/08
Posts: 700

So good to hear from you Kelly. I was thinking about you last week and was hoping that you were doing ok. I can only imagine the pain you are feeling, but like pp said, you have every right to cry. I know it's hard when your dh wants to fix everything, mine is the same way...and it can drive a person nuts. Please feel free to stop by and vent whenever you need to. We are here for you!

Mommy2007's picture
Joined: 12/13/06
Posts: 1203

Kelly thanks for checking in. I tried sending u msgs on facebook but was having some problems with that. I will continue to pray for you all and keep you in my thoughts. I can't even imagine how hard this must be. You are such a strong woman and you have every right to Cry and be frustrated with it all. Feel free to vent whenever u'd like. Big hugs to you

wiltedrose314's picture
Joined: 07/24/07
Posts: 1500

:bigarmhug:

Joined: 04/08/08
Posts: 807

Oh Kelly, my heart is just breaking for you! I cannot even begin to imagine everything you have been through! I am so sorry to hear that your heart is so broken and yet you feel like you can't cry unless you are alone. Sad I will be praying that God's plan is revealed to you soon, you have suffered so much and I don't blame you for your faith being tested, what more can one person go through? I will continue to pray for you, I pray that there is something big that is going to happen for your family soon!! ((((((HUGS))))))

AshnBill's picture
Joined: 11/06/06
Posts: 5333

Kelly, thank you for checking in with us. I have been thinking about you and your dh a lot lately, I hope you two are ok. It sounds like you have a wonderful, supportive husband. I KNOW there is a child out there for you. I hope he or she finds you very soon. :bighug: I miss seeing you around here, but understand completely.