Well here goes I guess...
Thanks Gwen for checking in on FB. I haven't posted anything really on there or responded to any posts much either. I'm tired of the snide remarks from people and family so I'm just not saying much these days. I swear I've heard enough "it will get easier" and "God has a plan" comments that I could just puke.
I've wanted to post a few times lately but my emotions just can't be held in easily these days and DH jumps every time my tears start. I know he means well but that Mars vs. Venus thing just doesn't work at times. He wants so badly to "fix" things and I try to show zero emotion around him b/c it just hurts us both. I think he just feels so guilty not being able to provide or fix things or just make me happy. So I save my tears for places like the drive to work or in the shower where I can just feel my hurt without hurting others. I really feel like no one understands me right now. Everyone wants to say don't cry, cheer up, etc. and I'm just not there yet. So I'll try to get a little out while DH is out for a walk.
I appreciate all your prayers and thoughts girls, I really do!!!!
I've missed you girls and I hope that really soon I'll get back to scrapping. I'm just not there yet. I'm sure one day I will have lots of talented work to go back through and will be amazed by all that you girls have done lately.
So the court date came and we went... alone. They did not show and decided that day to petition his adoption. At that point, we had no other options but to just close the door. Things had gotten really stinky towards the end and it came incredibly hard dealing with her on a daily basis. My lawyer began referring to her in terms like the "drama queen" and said he felt she was borderline abusive with her words. She continued that for a few weeks after the court date until we threatened legal action if she did not stop contacting me. That was hard! She has finally stopped contacting us.
I'm adjusting to being back at school. It was really hard at first, but I've learned to put my game face on at 7 each morning and just get through the day. I have a really sweet boy in my room named Isaiah. I'm close to his family (I have taught siblings) and dad is a pastor. They came out several times and prayed for us. They even told me I could call their Isaiah "Bubba" for a while til it got easier to say that name. Its amazing the love in people's hearts, huh?
I've slowly gathered and given away most of the things we bought for Isaiah. This past week was Fall break at school and we went out of town for the week just to get away. It's very hard being in this house some days. I'm still stumbling upon hidden hot wheels and such! We had someone come in to paint his room while we were gone and clean the rest out. I was so excited to leave and know that when we got back it would be painted and made into a guest bedroom and that door would finally close. I thought if I could just erase all that, it would somehow get easier. It's not! It's as if never happened, but it did happen. DH doesn't understand. He says that he had done what I "wanted". I know he did and I guess the last thing I need is a shrine to pass by, but its gone. It's all gone!
I know they say time heals all things. So I guess my prayer should just be for time to keep passing by. I don't know when the hurt will stop hurting. We've decided to remove our profile from the waiting list. I just can't take anymore. I feel like my spirit is broken. I pray every day that God would just remove the mother desire from my heart. I'm wrestling to understand that if His will is for me to not be a mother, why he doesn't take that desire from me. I know he's a mighty God and you all know I've always been a woman of faith, but I just don't understand anymore! I feel like my faith has been tested far beyond what I can understand. It's so hard to make it to church lately and we've missed more than we've gone. I just can't wrap my head around some things right now. I'm so tired (and I know its well meant) of people saying God has a will for our life. I can't make sense of it anymore, so I've stopped trying.
I guess for now I'm letting you all know that we are living day by day and I hope that really soon it gets a little easier to enjoy life again. I'm hoping I'll soon be able to pick myself up and join the land of the living again. Maybe I'll even venture back in my scrap room soon!
Until next time!
Aww Kelly hun...that just breaks my heart. You guys have been through an awful lot and I can't imagine all you are feeling. You will continue to be in my prayers. We miss you but of course can understand needing to be away. I can only hope and pray that somehow this will all make sense and you won't hurt so bad anymore We are always here for you. Much love to you girl
Thank you SO much for checking in. You have every right to mourn for Isaiah. I pray that you continue to have outlets where you can do so. At least from me, I'm glad that you feel comfortable enough to get "gritty" around us. Please know you can continue to do that.
My prayers continue for you.
Kelly, I so wish I could give you a hug in person. You need it. You need lots of hugs. And you can cry if you want to, you SHOULD cry if you want to. It's a true loss, and you need to grieve. I know you loved him (and I'm sure you still do), and the whole thing just stinks to high heaven.
I don't know what God's plan for you is, and I am severely lacking in patience when it comes to most things. But as hard as it is to take a wait and see approach, I'm going to recommend it because God's plan always has a way of shining through when we don't expect it at all.
For the record, I'm glad you told us about having the room painted. Because when I think of you, I wonder how you would do it, walk past his room and see it the way it was. Painting it doesn't change a thing, but at least the reminders are somewhat dulled. I know the reminders are always in your heart. And that's why I wish I could give you a hug.
Thank you for opening up and sharing so much with us. I will continue to keep you in my prayers.
Gwen, Mommy to Andrew, Jordan, Natalie & Jack
My blog - all things family, photography and crafty
Hugs! I've thought of you often and checked your blog regularly. It is nice to hear how you are doing even though it breaks my heart at the same time.
Kelly thank you for checking in with us. I've been thinking about you and praying for you guys. I'm glad you are so comfortable to share with us like you do. :bigarmhugs: You'll continue to be in my prayers.
Daughter Rileigh Ann arriving January 2012
Ditto to what everyone else said Kelly. I am so thankful that you feel able to open up to us. I wish I had the right words for you. I can't imagine what you are going through.
Still praying for you.
Married to my best friend 10-16-1993
DS #1 08-16-1999