My palms are sweaty just typing this but today our profile was sent out for a possible adoption. My SW called yesterday(we still had not had our profile reactivated) and said "Kelly, you just need to take the plunge and put your faith into your fears." She said that she wanted us to have a happy ending and just wouldn't give up on us. We had what ended up being a tearful conversation but in the end I said ok. I'm still rattled a bit by telling her to do it and don't really feel ready again but I understand what she means when she ask if I will ever be ready to potentially go through what we went through.
So... then the real drive behind her push became clear. She wanted to send our profile out for a situation that she became aware of. It's a little fellow that is 3. That worries me a great deal b/c I wonder if I'm just saying yes to take the place of this 3 year old that just swept into our world and left my arms empty. I truly question if I'm ready to do this but I know that God won't give me what I'm not willing to carry, I think.
And just to make matters worse, I snooped around today!!! I have a way of locating things that maybe I'm not supposed to know and I found information about him and a picture. Now my heart melts b/c he's precious!!! Dang it why did I do that to myself?
So, for now I just wait to see what unfolds. I'm kinda at peace about it just b/c I'm not sure I'm even ready for this at all and so if it doesn't work out, I think I already know I'm ok with that. If that makes sense.
The only thing that makes me feel at ease is that rights have been terminated, no bio family is petitioning the adoption, and the fosters have already been ruled out as a potential family for him for reasons I won't say here, so it appears, I'm NOT saying its certain, that the foster family could not step in at the last moment like Isaiah's were allowed to.
If you are still reading all this junk... GOD HELP YOU!!!!! But please, don't mention anything on FB. We would NEVER again bring our families into a situation that was not for sure which means they probably won't know anything about an adoption until we sign papers if God were to ever see fit.
And a serious question: Do ya'll ever just wish I would shut up? I mean I feel like I always have something dramatic, traumatic, to share with ya'll. I'm sorry about that! It's so easy to just let things out here and its so complicated when we involve family and coworkers and even friends sometimes. They are all just too "close" to the situation IYKWIM.
Of course I'll let you all know when we hear anything else. I actually feel much better than I did when I even started this post. I've always gone into a profiling BEGGING that it be our time and I guess this time I'm kinda feeling like I'm hoping its not. If it is, I guess I'll get on board and press on.
Thanks for listening!