Letting go

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sewgirly's picture
Joined: 01/01/06
Posts: 1496
Letting go

Thank you girls. I truly appreciate your kind words and think a lot of each and every one of you girls!

It is what it is. No return call, nothing. I wish I knew what changed but I don't. I don't really know anything at this point. I guess I would feel better if I knew why. I'm beating myself up worrying if I said something wrong, didn't say what she wanted me to say, I just can't really make sense of it. I feel like its all my fault and I blew it for my sake but more importantly I've ruined it for DH too. I find myself back with those same feelings of failure that I felt when we were dealing with infertility.

I've left her a message to get off my chest the words I needed to say to make peace. I don't know if she will extend the courtesy of acknowledging what I said or if it really evens matter but I needed her to know how I felt so that I could begin to heal my aching heart.

I had to tell my grandmother which is just another heart break on top of my already broken heart. She has been so excited for us and I hated to even call her. She reminded me that I DEMANDED the she have open heart surgery last year so that she could be around to hold our baby and that she made a deal with God that day that if she went through it he would hold up his side of the deal. I'm brokenhearted to have disappointed her. I regret ever even telling her that we had gotten the call. I wish I would have waited longer to make sure things were alright. But I can't change what is already done. She is so angry with K and she told me this morning on the phone that she hated her. I know she doesn't mean that. The hurt is new and it will fade.

I know this may sound shocking but I'm not angry. I'm not bitter. I've prayed all along for God's will, I can't turn back now. I know that this woman was facing a decision that is probably without a doubt the hardest decision one can make. I don't fault her and wish her peace.

So, I'll ask you ladies just one last time for some prayers. Not for me, for her. I'll move on and be just fine. I know I will. Greg and I have been in the midst of disappointment before and we always find some way to move past it. Just pray for her. I think she made need your prayers right now. Pray that she finds peace with whatever decision she is making. Maybe she has decided to parent, maybe she found a couple better than Greg and I, maybe someone in her family will care for the baby. I don't know the circumstance, but I know that it must be a difficult decision for her. Maybe that's why she can't face me, who knows. I forgive her for that. A bitter heart only suffers. So, if you would just say a prayer for her and her child that all will be well.

I may just take a break for a while from the boards. I know you all are here and I really appreciate that. I'll be back when I can. God bless you all!

Joined: 05/13/02
Posts: 414

:lurk:

I hope you don't mind me posting here, but I've been following your story lately and just had to say how sorry I am. I'm saying a special prayer for you and your husband.

Uropachild's picture
Joined: 08/09/05
Posts: 1176

Oh sweetheart i am sobbing for you! You are being so strong and reasonable about it all and i really admire you for that. I just don't know what to say, i really don't.

Is that how it works? Can the birth mum just drop you like that without letting you know? I can't believe there's not some legality that states she has to at least tell you!

I am hoping that perhaps she is just having a time of being unsure, but that after having some time away from you she decides that the adoption is the right thing to do after all. I kind of feel bad for hoping that because it is her baby, but she had her reasons for starting on this path and you guys have been waiting a long time for this!

:bighug:

MommyCB's picture
Joined: 05/04/06
Posts: 7623

:bigarmhug: oh Kelly. My heart breaks for you. Sad I'm truly so sorry and your attitude of love and forgiveness is just amazing. I don't even know how to put my sadness into words for you. We love you. Take as much time off as you need to. We will always be here for you. We'll be praying.

coolmama72's picture
Joined: 10/20/01
Posts: 8185

Kelly, my heart is breaking too. I've been praying harder for you than I have for anyone else this year, or maybe ever. I will continue to pray, for you, for your family, for your grandmother. But you can't blame yourself, not at all. And especially for your grandmother, you can't take the blame for a decision that wasn't yours. You were excited, you had every right to me, and you did the right thing by telling your grandma about the call. Not telling her would have been withholding a large part of you.

I will also pray for the birth mom. I could not imagine having the strength to give up my child. Yet I watched one of my friends do it, as she knew that her baby would have a much better life with another family. And I admire her so much, even to this day (almost 17 years later). It's a beautiful thing to give a child to a family that has so much love to give that child.

Anyhow, you will have a baby, I feel it in my heart. I'm sorry that this time wasn't the right time, even though it seemed and felt so right. So I will do what I can for you, and pray pray pray.

:bigarmhug:

Joined: 09/01/04
Posts: 1436

I am so incredibly sorry. I know that there is a baby out there for you. I hope you get to meet them soon.

AshnBill's picture
Joined: 11/06/06
Posts: 5333

Kelly, I am so sorry. My heart just aches for you, Greg, your grandmother. I will continue to pray for you. I know there is a baby out there for you. I hope he or she finds you very soon, you are going to be a wonderful mother.

We'll be here when you're ready.

:bighug:

mommys's picture
Joined: 05/08/06
Posts: 6264

Huge hugs and many good thoughts for all of you.

Your post touches my heat in so many ways. God bless you and the mother of this baby. I'll keep you all in my prayers.

jd6405's picture
Joined: 09/17/06
Posts: 1278

Kelly, I am so very, very sorry.

tialee's picture
Joined: 10/29/07
Posts: 2779

Kelly, my heart just hurts for you. What a wonderfull woman you are to not be mad at her. I can not say that I could be that stong if I were you. I pray for you daily and I also pray for her. Maybe she is just taking some time to really be 100% sure beforwe she meets you. If not then I think her choice would be to keep her. I do not think at all that she would pick another family. I know you loved that little girl with all your heart even before you met her. I am sure she could hear that in your voice and WHO would not want to pick a person like that! I am so very sorry!!!! I pmed you

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I am so sorry. You and your family and K will be in my thoughts and prayers. God has a plan for you, and I am sure it will be great. I know it is hard but a friend of mine always told me to just try to "Let Go and Let God" not so easy to do, but I have to constantly remind myself of that. :bighug"

Breen31806's picture
Joined: 09/05/06
Posts: 1172

Kelly I am so sorry to hear this. I've been praying for you and will continue to do so. Your strength is amazing. I will also pray for K that the decision she has made for her and her baby is of Gods will. We are all here for you. You are an amazing woman.

scrapangel's picture
Joined: 10/05/07
Posts: 807

My heart is just breaking for you. You are one strong woman to deal with this as well as you are. I will say a prayer for this lady. I hope she and you both find some peace.

auret's picture
Joined: 08/23/06
Posts: 1558

I've re-read this several times and just haven't known what to say. Sad

:bigarmhug:

I will continue to pray as I always do, that God's will would make itself incredibly evident. I pray that all of you will find a path to healing and wholeness as soon as possible. And I will definitely be praying for the birthmom. I can't imagine her own heartbreak and confusion.

:bigarmhug:

K9Trainer's picture
Joined: 09/25/06
Posts: 4065

Kelly, I am so, so, sorry!! I will continue to pray for you. You are such a strong, thoughtful, sweet woman. God be with you sweetie! :bigarmhug:

Madisonsmom07's picture
Joined: 08/15/07
Posts: 445

Kelly, I am so sorry that this is happening to you right now. I will continue to pray for you guys. You are such a strong woman to be able to go through something like this and still have the attitude that you have. I do believe that God will somehow bless you through this trial. :bigarmhug:

Cherrykitten's picture
Joined: 07/03/08
Posts: 700

Kelly, i'm so sorry. I have a very close friends who just went through the same thing. I know nothing that I say can make the hurt go away, but I hope and pray that you will find resolution and that K will be able to make the right decision.

:bigarmhug:

Mommy2007's picture
Joined: 12/13/06
Posts: 1203

So sorry that this happened. Really wish I could do more than just continue to pray for you and your family. My heart goes out to you all. Hope that she changes her mind or the God has some greater and bigger plan coming your way very soon. You are very strong woman to not be angry with her at all.... and already continuing on the road to moving on.

Take all the time you need.... you're right we'll be here when u come back and whenever u need.

big hugs

slurpeegirl13's picture
Joined: 02/26/07
Posts: 4125

Oh, Kelly, I wish I could be there to give you a giant hug. You are a strong woman, asking for prayers for the mom instead of for yourself, but you are still in my thoughts. Take a break and please KUP and come back when you can. :bigarmhug:

LindieLu's picture
Joined: 08/11/05
Posts: 1384

Kelly- I am so sorry that this has happened. Even though you said you are at peace with this, I will keep you in my prayers. You sound like such a strong woman. We will all be thinking of you and we hope you return to us when you're ready.

captainswife's picture
Joined: 11/25/07
Posts: 2687

Oh hun Sad I don't even really know what to say....you are an inspiration to us all to be so strong ....we will definitely keep praying for everyone involved :bigarmhug:

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Kelly- I just left your blog and came here to see what you had posted here!! My heart aches for you and my tears have welled up till they spilled over.. You have an amazing strength that I admire!!! I will continue to pray for all. You are right, God knows the right child for you and that child will be so lucky to have you for a MOM!!!!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Im not sure I understand. Did she decide not to give the baby up or are you just trying to make peace just in case she doesnt? Ive been gone and out of the loop so forgive me...it sounds like she just hasnt called in a week, but she may still pick you to bring your baby home. Its hard to understand what she may be feeling as she prepares to give up her baby to a stranger, she may just need some time to herself to grieve.

My heart breaks that you are having to make peace with letting your baby go, whether or not its going to happen. I sure hope this turns out.

Joined: 03/17/08
Posts: 1391

:bigarmhug: Kelly, I am so sorry. I will be praying for you and Greg, and for K and this sweet little baby.

Andy1784's picture
Joined: 09/18/08
Posts: 1372

Oh Kelly, I wish there was something I could say to truely take some of your hurt away but I don't think anyone can. I will pray for you, your family, and the birthmom. As difficult as she may have it, I wish she would at least call you. She should know how important it is.

Lots of hugs for you sweetie.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Kelly, I am so so sorry. My heart aches for you. You are such a strong woman. Lots of hugs to you

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Kelly, I've been watching your blog for updates and the post yesterday made me cry. I can't begin to imagine how you and Greg are feeling. I admire that you aren't mad at K and are actually asking for prayers sent her way. I understand God's will, but sometimes it's hard not to question. You are a strong and amazing woman. I know when it's the right time you'll be a wonderful mom! I'm still keeping my prayers that K may reconsider.

Amy and kids3's picture
Joined: 04/22/09
Posts: 41

Words cannot even express how sorry I am. My heart breaks for you and your family right now. My prayers go out to you during this difficult time. God has a perfect plan for your lives and you will get your baby someday, I pray it's soon though!

sewgirly's picture
Joined: 01/01/06
Posts: 1496

Just saying hi today and thank you all for all the sweet words.

And- I'm ok.

mommys's picture
Joined: 05/08/06
Posts: 6264

Hi, to you too. Glad you are doing okay. Hugs.

K9Trainer's picture
Joined: 09/25/06
Posts: 4065

Thanks for checking in Kelly. I am still praying for you and Greg and thinking of you both.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

We are still thinking of you Kelly.

Has she called you yet to tell you anything? I guess Im just struggling with the fact that you are just letting go when you havent heard anything one way or the other...I also hope that you havent let go only to hear that she's just needed some time to figure things out or unexpectantly was needed by a family emergency or something. Who knows. I know, I KNOW, that its really hard to wait and to not know what is going on with her, but your placement officer or the birth family or anyone hasent said anything to you. Im not saying any of this to be hurtful or to make you doubt yourself, but to give you hope. No mater what the reality SEEMS, it might be different in TRUE LIFE. I wouldnt count you chickens unhatched before its time. On another note, I KNOW heartache like you've felt, Ive felt the severe disapointment and dispare. As you can see on my siggy Ive had a miscarriage and though I knew what my body was doing, I held that hope until that bitter moment that my doc told me, that everything was okay. I even tried to think, maybe it was twins or something...anything to make me loose hope. I also know that you are in a different situation and have struggled with infertility, a miscariage AND adoption difficulties. But God doesnt want you to loose hope! There IS a baby for you, whether its this one or another. You're right that God doesnt always have things the way that we want it, and it totally sucks! We all know that in a unique way, and have had various struggles. I hope with all my heart that this is just a weird thing and she's going to call you and appologize for her miscomunication. Hang in there! We are all thinking about you and praying for your family.

Joined: 03/17/08
Posts: 1391

:bigarmhug: You're still in my prayers.

tialee's picture
Joined: 10/29/07
Posts: 2779

still praying daily thanks for checking in. Smile

Honey3.14's picture
Joined: 04/07/12
Posts: 2094

Big hugs and prayers being sent your way. I am so sorry that this is happening and I pray that Gods will will be done. I know theres a reason and I can't question it, but I know the hurt must be unbearable. I've been crying since I saw the title and I knew what was happening.

coolmama72's picture
Joined: 10/20/01
Posts: 8185

I just checked out your blog today (for the first time in a week). Man, I'd be so mad at that Walmart lady. You continue to be in my prayers daily. ((HUGS))

MommyMish's picture
Joined: 05/30/07
Posts: 1889

I just got back from vacation and my heart is breaking for you Kelly. I will be praying extra hard for your family and the birthmother.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

:bigarmhug: