Thank you girls. I truly appreciate your kind words and think a lot of each and every one of you girls!
It is what it is. No return call, nothing. I wish I knew what changed but I don't. I don't really know anything at this point. I guess I would feel better if I knew why. I'm beating myself up worrying if I said something wrong, didn't say what she wanted me to say, I just can't really make sense of it. I feel like its all my fault and I blew it for my sake but more importantly I've ruined it for DH too. I find myself back with those same feelings of failure that I felt when we were dealing with infertility.
I've left her a message to get off my chest the words I needed to say to make peace. I don't know if she will extend the courtesy of acknowledging what I said or if it really evens matter but I needed her to know how I felt so that I could begin to heal my aching heart.
I had to tell my grandmother which is just another heart break on top of my already broken heart. She has been so excited for us and I hated to even call her. She reminded me that I DEMANDED the she have open heart surgery last year so that she could be around to hold our baby and that she made a deal with God that day that if she went through it he would hold up his side of the deal. I'm brokenhearted to have disappointed her. I regret ever even telling her that we had gotten the call. I wish I would have waited longer to make sure things were alright. But I can't change what is already done. She is so angry with K and she told me this morning on the phone that she hated her. I know she doesn't mean that. The hurt is new and it will fade.
I know this may sound shocking but I'm not angry. I'm not bitter. I've prayed all along for God's will, I can't turn back now. I know that this woman was facing a decision that is probably without a doubt the hardest decision one can make. I don't fault her and wish her peace.
So, I'll ask you ladies just one last time for some prayers. Not for me, for her. I'll move on and be just fine. I know I will. Greg and I have been in the midst of disappointment before and we always find some way to move past it. Just pray for her. I think she made need your prayers right now. Pray that she finds peace with whatever decision she is making. Maybe she has decided to parent, maybe she found a couple better than Greg and I, maybe someone in her family will care for the baby. I don't know the circumstance, but I know that it must be a difficult decision for her. Maybe that's why she can't face me, who knows. I forgive her for that. A bitter heart only suffers. So, if you would just say a prayer for her and her child that all will be well.
I may just take a break for a while from the boards. I know you all are here and I really appreciate that. I'll be back when I can. God bless you all!