It's been a rough day today.
Some of it is I couldn't sleep last night so I forced myself to do so at 1:30am and then I started having weird disturbing dreams so I was up by 8am instead of sleeping in.
Part of it is the natural cycle to accepting my allergies. I bounce between fear, helplessness and anger. I feel like I don't know how to cook anymore because of all the drastic changes I need. I know my family needs calcium too so I'm having to buy my favorite dairy products for them and not have any myself. Frustrating.
Part of it is my husband. Yesterday his mom decided to do yard work, and long story short, she broke her wrist. She's 73, has rheumatoid arthritis and refuses to wear appropriate shoes or clothing.... all things that just scream that she should have hired someone to do what she was trying to do. Anyways, this and the Elder's meeting last night put him into a downward spiral again.
He's been in the ministry for 10 years. In the Lutheran church, your first congregation is assigned to you. You can move as you please as long as another church calls you. He's been here 10 years, and hasn't received a single call. So not a single other church has wanted him, iykwim? At the Elder's meeting last night, they decided he could have 3 weeks of vacation. At his years of service it should be at least 4. He has never taken a pay raise in the 10 years he's been here, and never asked for anything but to be maintained on the best insurance plan. At the meeting last night, the elder's essentially said "We've never had a Pastor stay more then 10 years." and gave the huge implication of "what the hell are you still doing here?" There has been ONE family in our entire congregation that has told us they are glad we have been here for the last 10 years. Everyone else has said things along the line of "What? 10 years...how come you've been here that long?" So much for gratefulness for having a spiritual leader. (And yes, deep down we both know that verbal gratification is not why my husband does this work.)
So my husband has a huge burr in his saddle about moving again. Moving is a catch 22. To do so, you have to tell your District President to put your papers out. It's up to him if he does or doesn't. If he doesn't, you have to contact presidents yourself and that leads to the whole "Will this pastor do this to me later on down the line?" thoughts from the presidents you contact.
He's sure a change, even to a similar type congregation would be good for us. That he'd have 10 years of experience to start from and yes, he'd make mistakes, but they'd be different from what he's got hanging over him now.
And then there is me. I trust him on this and if he needs this, I will support him. But I think of our children- they are so happy in Lutheran School. To pull them during the school year, and not even knowing if we'd get to an area where we could continue Lutheran Education..... Then there is me. I'm 15 weeks pregnant. Finding a new OB, delivering this child somewhere different from all the rest.... Our health- will our insurance transfer (a huge concern when your husband has a "pre-existing" condition). Just the thought of having to find new doctors and chiropractors makes me itch right now. What about all the crap in our house right now that we're slowly weeding through to get rid of?
So many unknowns and I know, God will provide and I need to trust in him. But when you can't see His Will and you don't know if it's your Husband's Will or God's to move, what am I supposed to do?
Hubby is over at church right now because he just couldn't take the noise of the kids. Well duh, they get on my nerves too at times but they're being good. I just don't get the restlessness. We have many things to be thankful for here. It's the constant comparing to what other people/church's have that's getting him and there's no getting him to stop lately, despite him acknowledging that there will be problems everywhere.
Back to his mother- so she was supposed to make the cake for hubby's Ordination Anniversary and was bringing all the paper supplies. Well now that's up to me. I honestly don't have the money this month to do it but will manage. But then with his piss poor attitude and his bull**** about how being in one place for 10 years is so horrible, it makes me want to just throw up my hands and stop doing this party for him. He's throwing fits about it- why, I have no friggin clue because 10 years of service is a great thing.... it's like, why the heck am I trying so hard to do this nice thing if he's so convinced everyone can't understand why he's still here and he's wishing he was somewhere else?