(Warning: I am going to talk about some religious beliefs.)
Hi Gals. I know I haven't been around as much lately. Yes, life is busier with 4 children, but more importantly, with Josiah's health, and some stresses related to DH's work, I've gotten overwhelmed.
We're still dealing with a lot of spit up from Josiah. I need to call his doctor, but I think we're to the point where I'm just going to need to buy a lot of bibs. 95% of the time now, the spit up doesn't really bother him. He's getting to be a mostly happy spitter, and I'm just going to have to get used to being spit up on.
The work stress is going to cause us to move, as soon as a call can be located- but this process could still take a year or two because of how little movement is going on in the Synod right now. The District has identified that this is more crucial, so hopefully it will move quickly. Until then there is a lot of uncertainty. I'm afraid to commit to things, not knowing how long I'll be here. I'm avoiding the congregation while still getting to church for my own sake. I've only moved 2 times in my life (from childhood home to college to here) so the thought of moving is huge and traumatic to me.
At Retreat this weekend we had sessions that related to the book "How to Care for the Whole World and Still Take Care of Yourself". If you're a Christian woman, I highly recommend the book.
What I was reminded of (again) is that if I don't take care of myself, I can't take care of anyone else. While we had been carving out some time for me to be alone, it still wasn't time to take care of myself. At conference, we had to reference scripture and how Jesus structured his life. He had a sort of pyramid scheme that kept certain people closer to himself, giving them precedence over the multitudes. He ministered extra carefully to a few, to make a greater impact to the whole. It doesn't mean He never dealt with the whole, but he saw to the needs of those higher on his pyramid first. That included taking time for himself, even when the others wanted him.
We created our own pyramids.... how they currently are and how they should be. And I love you all... but I've been spending too much time with you. My pyramid really was God, my DH, my kids, internet friends, me, the congregation, extended family. And by doing that, I've not been keeping up. I've been lurking, and feeling drained, and not effective in anything.
So I am going to really strive to rearrange that pyramid to God, ME, DH, kids, extended family, congregation, internet friends.
This does not mean I'm going away... but I will not be lurking as much. I won't have time to read every thread. But when I do come on (once or twice a day I'm going to try, if time permits after focusing on the other things), I should be able to be more intentional in my posting and therefore, hopefully, a better internet friend again.
In the end, I'm just working to not be so stressed, and to have time again. Time for my family, time for myself, time for God, time for you. If I work this out in the proper order, happiness and a better ability to cope should come from this. That would be nice.
I really do enjoy being part of this community, and want to continue. I mourn a little at the thought of making myself turn off the computer, but I hope you understand. It's definitely not that I don't like you... it's more that I need to like myself enough to take better care right now.