upset and don't know where to turn
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Thread: upset and don't know where to turn

  1. #1
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    Default upset and don't know where to turn

    I have friends in real life who I could talk to about this but I wouldn't know where to begin. A lot of them are going through their own issues right now. And I feel very close to you guys here...I apologize now for how long this will probably be.

    My Dad died in July and the coroner only just phoned me about the toxicology results. He killed himself I am such a mess. We hadn't talked in over 5 years. I had a really rough childhood and I guess I never really forgave him like I thought I had...he used to beat my Mom and us kids until they split up when I was 9. I remember him beating my Mom and one sister and my little brother, but I never once remember him hitting me despite being told he often did. Guess I blocked that out better than the rest. When I was a teen we had a better relationship...I remember we hadn't seen him in about a year and when he came to my Mom's and saw me he held me close and wept. He came to my h.s graduation and stood up cheering as I crossed the stage. We had a bad falling out about a year after that and I begged him to admit what he had done years ago to my Mom and apologize for putting us through that and he swore up and down he never laid a hand on her or us. Complete b.s as the cops frequented our house. A lot was alcohol...a lot was the way he was raised...a lot was just his always right attitude he had with everyone apart from my Grandma (my Mom's Mom who is a lovely strong Christian woman). After that falling out we never talked again but I did write him two letters explaining why ...nothing graphic, just that i was taking control of my own mental well-being. I never knew if he received them. When my sisters cleaned out his apt after his death, they found the letters in with a few other things of mine he had saved

    I have been sat here crying for 2 hours straight and looking at support forums for ppl affected by suicide. It was sad enough to have him die before we reconciled....I had talked to Wayne about it in England ironically just 2 or 3 days before he took his own life, telling him I wanted to sort through that and have him in my life at least in some capacity. He didn't even know I was with anyone, let alone married for a few years. Wayne has said for years that he wished I would give him another chance and that he wants to meet him. Now I look at Wayne and all I see is my short comings as a daughter. I know it isn't mine or my siblings fault that he chose to take his own life....but it pains me so bad to think of him hurting like he must have been, and being so alone. I have 4 sisters and a brother, plus a huge extended family. He lived 8 or so hours drive away, all by himself with no family anywhere. I can't fathom what he was going through. I have a photo that looks very recent that my sisters found in his house...it's him and some (I assume) friends at a Christian biker rally type thing....I know in his better days, even with us, he liked going to that type of stuff. I hope he it was as recent as it looks, and that he at least had some companionship near the end of his life

    thank you for being there....through this and through everything
    Karen, dh Wayne
    November '07
    September '09

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    Posting Addict K9Trainer's Avatar
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    I am so sorry Karen. I know that suicide is hard on those who are left behind, and those are very real feelings you are dealing with. I have no great advice for you other than to say you are such an amazing person, it totally shows in what you just wrote there. Have you read through it? I hope you can come to peace with this and know that you did what you could, even though it may not have seemed like it. Hugs girl!!
    Carrie
    Married to my best friend 10-16-1993
    DS #1 08-16-1999
    DS#2 10-31-2006
    DD#1 11-14-2007

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    Mega Poster tialee's Avatar
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    Oh Karen I am so sorry, my heart just goes out to you. What a hard thing to be dealing with. I will keep you in my prayers. pmed you
    Last edited by tialee; 12-12-2009 at 09:42 AM.

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    Mega Poster LMCH's Avatar
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    Karen, that must be so hard to find that out. I can understand how you must be upset...both by the circumstances of his death and the fact that you didn't get a chance to reconnect. I will keep you in my prayers I agree with Carrie in that you did what you could given the situation

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    Mega Poster iluvmygemini's Avatar
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    im so sorry Karen.

    Ryan-6/16/08
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    Posting Addict jd6405's Avatar
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    Oh Karen. I am so sorry that you are going through all this. Hugs and I hope you some how find peace with it all.
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    Posting Addict scrapangel's Avatar
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    Dealing with a parent's death is hard enough but then to find out they took their own life. That makes things worse because now there are so many what ifs going through your head. I am so very sorry that you are going through this. My thoughts and prayers are with you right now.
    Missy



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    Posting Addict MommyCB's Avatar
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    Don't feel like there was anything else you could do Karen. You did the best that you could. And it was good that you wrote the letters to your dad, so he understood why you needed the distance. What you did was best. I will be praying for you my sweet friend.
    ~Charys
    Kayson 10-9-06 & Cohen 02-08-10

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    Posting Addict Breen31806's Avatar
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    I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I have no advice as I haven't gone through any sort of death like this. But I'm hear to "listen"
    Kebrina
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  10. #10
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    I am so sorry, Karen! I know all too well the pain of finding out a family member has taken their own life, my mom's brother committed suicide when I was pg with Regan. I am so sorry you never got that chance to reconcile. My prayers are with you!





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