Am I being selfish??

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PeppermintPatty's picture
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Am I being selfish??

It is going on 3 year now of being a SAHM. Dh works full time and sometimes long days or he is traveling. For the past month and a half, I have becoming increasingly more sore and tired with this pregnancy. On several occasions, I have asked DH for a "break" away from the kids so I can either rest or trying to get my head above water in terms of cleaning, laundry and prepping for this new little one. Everyday, I just do the bare minimum to get by (making breakfast lunch and dinner for the girls) and cleaning up from that, then entertaining the girls so they don't get into trouble and fight with one another. I have no energy by the end of the day left for any housework.

So, what I am longing for is a day or two where I can focus on other things than the kids! What would be even nicer is to not have to do housework with this "break" but that will never happen!

Is it selfish of me to expect DH, who works full time to then take the girls for a weekend? I have asked him this, but he turns around and says things likes "I work too. I am tired at the end of the day, too"

There are times when I think about working full time again--teaching. And, on somedays, it sounds better to me than being home!

Thanks for reading and letting me vent!

mandi04's picture
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I wouldn't say it's selfish. I am big believer in that as a stay at home mom the kids and house are my job....but just like any job, moms need a break every once in a while too. It's not like you are asking for every weekend, you are asking for ONE weekend...not selfish

PeppermintPatty's picture
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Thanks, Mandi.

Yes, one weekend to refresh myself and to get the house in order. It isn't happening during the week (with being pregnant). I am feeling so overwhelmed right now!!!!

heatherliz2002's picture
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I don't think it's selfish either. You obviously acknowledge the fact that your DH works and is also tired. I think sometimes they just don't get it because they aren't able to experience pregnancy and what a drain it can be emotionally and physically. I figure that there are days when I let DH sleep in/go out with the guys/whatever, and that should go both ways. We BOTH work, we're BOTH tired, so we need to give each other a break. And when you're pregnant, I think that just goes to a new level. There are extenuating circumstances, so sometimes you just need a little extra help. Plus it would probably be really nice for your girls to have "date" with daddy.

synergy05's picture
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I don't think it's selfish of you, SAHM work just as hard as those who work outside of the home. Would it be possible to have family take the girls for a weekend so you can get things done or just relax?

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I don't think it is selfish either. Do you think maybe instead of taking a complete break, that DH may pick up a couple of the chores? Or just let the house go one weekend. Don't do much. Just sit around. You can catch back up later.

ekcanada's picture
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Not selfish at all!!! SAHM is a 24 hour job! You and DH also made the decision to have kids together, there is not reason why he can't give you a break.

I am also a firm believer that time away from your kids helps you appreciate them (and DH) more and keep the sadness away when you are so hormonal!

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I don't think its selfish at all. I have to admit that I see work as a break because I honestly work harder at home than I do at my normal job. So to be home 24/7 with no break I'd probably go insane. As much as I love my daughter, shes a lot of work and its draining when you are pregnant. DH parents took her for this week and its been amazing, we have gotten to sleep in because we don't have to get her ready for daycare and we have gotten so may chores completed. But I miss the crap out of her and can't wiat for Friday! You def need a break.

Prudence's picture
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Nope! My Hubby is going out of town to visit his parents for a week- and he's taking all of the kids! While I'm looking forward to sleeping in a day or two, I'm so not looking forward to a whole week of boredom. BUT- if you need it, you need it.

MandyMommyto1's picture
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Sure he works full-time, but I guarantee it's easier than staying home with 2 little girls and being pregnant to boot! Plus he gets evenings and weekends off from his job...being a SAHM is a 24/7 job. If I were you, I'd tell him to man up and contribute - I don't let my DH get away with that attitude. When he's home in the evening and on the weekend, he knows he's on baby duty Smile I do as little as possible.

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I don't think it's selfish at all. I think it's healthy for us moms who stay at home to have an occasional break.

Chris works ridiculous hours at work but when he's home he's helping me out. He usually puts Brandon to bed and on the weekends he's a big help. He is always willing to watch Brandon on the weekend so I can go run errands, see my friends, or just have a day to myself. He knows how hard it is to be a mom 24/7 (we don't ever get a break from being a mom) so he's more than happy to give me my "me" time. Whenever our parents are visiting they also make sure to give me a break.

If I didn't have those breaks I would go literally insane.

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I'm a SAHM as well, and I also find it difficult to ask DH to chip in more... but he leaves early in the morning to go to the gym, then he goes to work, and sometimes he's got things planned for the evenings. Like Wednesdays is Extreme Frisbee. He has a co-worker who didn't go yesterday to frisbee cause his wife didn't feel like lugging the 3 kids to it and he doesn't understand why this man "can't" do "extra curricular" activities without her and the kids attending as well (there's a playground at the park they play frisbee at). DH says to me.. "he should be able to do things without her, he just has to reciprocate and let her do things without him or the kids". At that I just blink.... I hardly ever get to do things... but he says I can.. I just have to give him notice.

Well, here's my deal. I don't have anything to do in this small town. I either don't have someone to do it with (my friends have kids, too.. or they work, or both) or I don't have money to do what I want to do... I'd REALLY like a pedicure right about now, but I can't afford it. I could just go somewhere alone and be bored... but that's no fun.

I feel guilty with how much DH does. He's tired, too.. but at the same time, I can't leave "work" behind like he can. :confused: And besides.. it's not like he HAS to do his extra activities. And he thinks my mom does too much all the time... he's just like her... Lol

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I don't think you are being selfish-maybe the thought of a weekend is a bit much for him though and maybe if you asked him to take the girls to the park for a few hours on a saturday that might be more managable? My dh often takes the kids on the weekend to run errands (and we have 3) so I can do laundry and such. I have no idea how long he will be gone for, and he will typically do things that I wouldn't (like feed them mcdonalds or ice cream or whatever) but it gives me a break and they get some daddy time. It has been great for us

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I don't think you are being selfish. My DH comes home from work and is on kid duty. He gets them ready for bed every night and on the weekends he cooks breakfast and dinner for us too so I get a chance to do things without the littles hanging all over me.
Like one of the other ladies mentioned, maybe your DH is just overwhelmed at the thought of taking over a whole weekend... maybe he would be willing to just give you a few set hours every week for the next X weeks to get things done if you explain how difficult it is to do those specific things with the kids under foot and that it would mean a lot to you to have a little break?

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Totally not selfish at all. I'm feeling the same way and i only have 1 kiddo! And my Dh thinks that my one day a week at the hospital for clinical is a "break" :eek: so i asked him if there was something he thought he could start doing with Wyatt so that i could have alone time. he picked out a few things and now they go out about once a month to watch paintball tournements so i can have atleast an hour or two alone. he did take him for a full weekend once but to i was so bummed out missing him that i didn't have any fun. now i just take my evening trips to target or to the grocery store and use it as my me time, i even buy myself a slushie!

PeppermintPatty's picture
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It really did make me feel a whole lot better after reading everyone's posts! My dh just doesn't understand where I am coming from. We argued a bit yesterday. He again made it very clear that he is tired at the end of the day too. I understand that. He works hard to pay the bills, etc etc and he doesn't get a break either (He gets a break from the kids and doesn't do any housework).... :confused: I am going to make it a priority to make sure he gets a break when he wants one and hopefully, he will offer to take the kids every once in awhile and give me one, too.

He makes it seem like I am complaining and don't appreciate what he does when I ask for a break. Sad I just don't get it.

My parents do offer to take the girls (not at the same time though!!)

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I worked up until about 7 weeks ago. While working and having a toddler was exhausting, staying home with a toddler is more exhausting. I find that staying home strains my patience and I have a lot lower tolerance for some of her actions. When I went to work, it gave me a break from being a Mom and when I got home, I was a lot more patient with her than I am now.

DH would never ask if I needed a break but would always give me one. I do find it hard because I know what his work day is like so I try not to ask unless I need it. I mean, comparing work deadlines and meetings to going to the park and the pool and doing some crafts doesn't seem like a fair comparison :rolleyes: However, he does understand because the things that drive me nuts drive him nuts too and the more time he spends with her, the more he realizes that all the fun and games we do all day are a lot of work!

Even a change in work is nice. I love going grocery shopping by myself Smile

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"MandyMommyto1" wrote:

Sure he works full-time, but I guarantee it's easier than staying home with 2 little girls and being pregnant to boot! Plus he gets evenings and weekends off from his job...being a SAHM is a 24/7 job. If I were you, I'd tell him to man up and contribute - I don't let my DH get away with that attitude. When he's home in the evening and on the weekend, he knows he's on baby duty Smile I do as little as possible.

Absolutley. I couldn't agree more :thumbsup: Although on weekends we both work together b/c we both deserve a little down time - I'm on my feet less now that I'm pregnant but when not pregnant we just kind of naturally divvy up the kids & duties Smile

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Seeing as you are both overworked and tired, is it possible to get help one day or afternoon a week? Long term it would be better than an isolated weekend. That person could either do housework, take your kids to the park while you have a rest or stay with them while you go out.