another DH woe.

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Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852
another DH woe.

Long story short, DH quit his job a couple months ago to be my assistant.....he was already my "assistant" for 1.5 yrs, and hardly did ****...he got a job for a couple weeks, hated it, begged me to let him be my assistant again, I told him he never hardly helped before, why should i believe he'd help me now?? and he swore forever that he'd be a great assistant, unlike before. I also run a part time dog grooming business. he kept saying how awesome he'd be and help me, all he ever does is complain about the fur and says the dog hair gets in his nose and he doesnt want to stand there forever, etc etc...anyways

I run an in-home daycare full time, he kept going on about how I am pregnant and he could really help me out with the kids, we agreed he'd work 9-5 every day. (I am with the kids 7am-6pm).

Well he RARELY wakes up until at least 10am, that's AFTER the alarm has been going off for 2 hrs straight, after i have waddled my butt up there saying "wake up" a thousand times over.

today i felt especially pregnant and i am having bad heartburn, i feel like i am regurgitating my food, its such a bad burning. The kids are hollering, my boys keep fighting constantly.

So I yell for him to wake up, he gets up at 9am (wow thats the 1st time in forever) he sat on the pc for about an hour, and then layed down with ME on the couch at 10, and he's still there. :eek: I keep waking him up and telling him how pissed I am. i ask for help, and HE is the one napping??? he acts like pregnancy is nothing, that i have no reason to want help.

so IIII had to get up and make the kids clean up the playroom, I had to stand there forever and make lunch, clean up lunch, change diapers, etc etc etc...

i asked him to go grocery shopping for me today, he keeps saying he'll do it but he's still asleep, he wakes up every now and then to argue with me, at one point he says "im not going grocery shopping now, because you wont stop naggin me" he says "i just want to get some rest before i have to do all this work" ALL THIS WORK??? IIII am doing every thing! all he has to do every day is take out the trash. and check the mail box. BIG WOOP. oH nooo!! I added ONE MORE TASK, and now he's all like acting like he is about to do a marathon and wants to take a nap.

I SHOULD BE THE ONE NAPPING. Was I NOT just hooked up to an NST scan yesterday??? he should KNOW that i need rest! WTF.

NOT to mention, last night he had 2 friends over, one i said was ok because his friends mom just died so we invited him over for dinner, that was fine. BUT THEN AFTER I am in bed, I hear knocking at the door, and here comes his other friend, he was up til 4am hanging out with them.

its not my fault he's tired because he hung out all night. he is the worst assistant ever! I told him it takes me LONGER ASKING and TELLING him to do a task, then the task takes!

This morning i was SOO HUNGRY. I asked him to make me some french toast, an HOUR, after im starving and still asking, he says he doesnt know how to make it and makes me a bologna sandwich. bleh.

I dont want to play the whimpy pregnant lady card, but damn please show SOME COMPASSION! I have no clue what to do with him! he's so lazy!! i am so fed up, he sounds so whimpy sometimes. he could stub his toe and be like ohh noooooo and i have to baby him forever and here i am BUILDING a HUMAN and I don't get any help. I am at my wits end! I am so tempted to throw a bucket of ice water on his face!

oh also to mention, he keeps telling me to give him money to buy MORE nerdy Magic the Gathering cards. He's constantly hitting me up for money and if he thinks hes getting any money he better thing twice, especially today!

heatherliz2002's picture
Joined: 02/02/08
Posts: 2273

:bigarmhug: I am so sorry you are dealing with this! If it were me, I would fire him. Not only is he not helping, but he's actually stressing you out more! I hope you can work something out!

nori_garsi's picture
Joined: 10/31/06
Posts: 2069

I'm so sorry DH is causing you so much stress. I agree with Heather, I would fire him. He's certainly not helping to make things easier on you. :bigarmhug:

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

i feel like he's got me wrapped around his little finger...I provide for our family, run the businesses, take care of the kids, he gets to hang out with his friends all night, sleep all day, I buy him clothes and video games and whatever he wants/needs, and I get nothing in return. Some days he does do good and gets a lot done, but he's such a procrastinator and it takes him SO LONG to get motivated. he's so frustrating. i wish he'd have initiative and just DO what needs done. but he is oblivious. so I give him tasks to do, and i wish he'd at least just complete those tasks without complaining and procrastinating. so frustrating. and im SO emotional and hormonal that I cry over every thing, normally i'd be going OFF on him but instead i just cry. bleh.

skylersmomma's picture
Joined: 04/10/11
Posts: 927

I agree he is stressing you out more than helping,
Id fire him I can imagine its a hard situation but its not fair that ur doing all the work and he is reeping all the benefits..
Im sorry hun
:bigarmhug:

Joined: 04/24/11
Posts: 1253

I agree with the girls, hes a crappy assistant and he is adding stress..fire him.

mandi04's picture
Joined: 08/10/03
Posts: 2272

:bigarmhug: I'd insist he get a job outside of the home if he's not going to help when he's at home. Marriage is supposed to be a joint effort!

ekcanada's picture
Joined: 05/06/09
Posts: 1707

Why is he being like this? Was he like this when you were pregnant with the boys?

As weird s it is to say fire your husband, I agree. Let him be responsible for bringing home some income even if he hates it.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

problem is, he only has a GED, he's already worked and either quit or fired from all the retail stores, the only jobs he can get are ones that make minimum wage, his last job he was bringing home in one month what i make in one week. he's here to watch the kids when i go to my doctors appointments, etc. and i need him here for when I run my dog grooming business because unlike my childcare business, i can't watch the kids and dog groom at the same time, i can't leave the dog unattended on the grooming table and so he usually watches the kids while i do a dog grooming job, it would cost way more to hire a nanny and have him working, than it would to just let him stay home. =/ it's a catch 22.

LauraMae78's picture
Joined: 01/10/11
Posts: 969

im sorry girl! Sad

I would dump the ice water on him, THEN fire him, and remind him that he doesnt get his nerdy cards or whatever he wants without getting off his *ss...marriage is a joint effort and its not fair for you. get a normal job and contribute to the family.

MandyMommyto1's picture
Joined: 06/27/09
Posts: 534

I totally agree...fire his a**. If you can't bring yourself to do that right now, make up a list of his job exectations, things that you require him to do every day. Give him the list, or post it on the fridge or whatever, and tell him that he's on probation just like any other job. If he wants money to buy things for himself, then he has to follow the list. If he doesn't follow the list, he's fired and has to act like an adult and get a real job.

Men just don't get it...I anticipate having a similar issue with my DH in a couple months when he stops working to be a SAHD. With 2 little ones we need someone to stay at home full-time, and I make more than him, so he'll be quitting. When we're at home together on the weekend and I ask him to watch DD, it astounds me that he can't come up with things to do with her or doesn't keep track of when she's eaten or things like that. He'll do things around the house without a problem if I specifically ask him to, but he's not at all proactive. Drives me nuts.

ekcanada's picture
Joined: 05/06/09
Posts: 1707

I guess you will have to set ground rules and treat him like the child hs is acting like.

Prudence's picture
Joined: 05/02/05
Posts: 256

Frankly- he's got it sweet and it sounds as though you know all of the excuses for him not to get a real job and you allow him those excuses...

He only has a GED- well, guess what? A lot of hard working Moms and Dads only have GEDs and they still bust their butt day in and day out. If he isn't working towards bringing home the proverbial bacon, then he should be working to improve your future- through education and other means.

You've given him every excuse NOT to work. Why should he?

First- he needs to either be following your job expectations for an assistant- and those should be very clearly outlined just like in any other job- second, he needs to be working towards furthering his education, and third- if he can't get his butt into gear as far as the assistant goes- you need to fire him. Work your grooming jobs around your daycare- as much as it might suck, it can't suck as badly as having a family member you LOVE abuse your work ethic. This cannot be good for you or your marriage the way it stands.

bamsmom's picture
Joined: 05/05/07
Posts: 1635

Sounds like he thinks your his sugar momma! I would lay the law down.... if you want 'play money' then you have to work... if you dont work you dont get 'play money'! I think you need to play hardball with him. I hate to say it but he sounds very immature so you are going to have to stand your ground and firmly at that! GL Mely!

Joined: 12/21/09
Posts: 344

"MelissaLynn13" wrote:

problem is, he only has a GED, he's already worked and either quit or fired from all the retail stores, the only jobs he can get are ones that make minimum wage, his last job he was bringing home in one month what i make in one week. he's here to watch the kids when i go to my doctors appointments, etc. and i need him here for when I run my dog grooming business because unlike my childcare business, i can't watch the kids and dog groom at the same time, i can't leave the dog unattended on the grooming table and so he usually watches the kids while i do a dog grooming job, it would cost way more to hire a nanny and have him working, than it would to just let him stay home. =/ it's a catch 22.

I'm really really sorry for what you're going through... I'm grateful my husband and I haven't had any marital problems while pregnant - because I wouldn't be surprised if we did!

As for his lack of any extra education, that doesn't mean much. My husband makes enough for us to live very comfortable, and me to be a stay at home mom, and he has no degree. You don't have to have any degree to have a good job - just an interest and learn something in the field. The hardest part is convincing a company that you really do know what you're doing.
Neither of us believe in furthering our education in any way, yet when we were both single, we were able to live comfortably on our own (and my husband owning his house, purchasing it at the age of 23.) We don't believe in higher education at all, actually. It's not our thing.

Joined: 12/21/09
Posts: 344

PS - I agree with whomever said to play hardball with him. He doesn't deserve anything if he expects you to just hand it to him.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Thanks ladies. Smile

Yeah I basically HAVE to write a formal "to do list" every day, other wise he will have no initiative to do anything and he'll just sleep all day or play his video games until I tell him to do something. I wish so badly he'd just GET UP and DO whatever needs to be done, with out me having to tell him. Sad and gosh forbid, if I add anything to the to do list, he will complain forever about how that wasn't on there before, and he doesn't want to do it.

I totally understand how it sounds like i am making excuses for him. Sad

I have a HS diploma and a certificate of dog grooming but no college education, and I still make good money. But that's because I have the drive and a good business-mind. My dad was a salesman and I guess I got it from him, I could sell you a rock and make you believe it was THEE MOST awesome thing ever! LOL

My dh on the other hand, is totally opposite. He has NO drive, no will power, even when he WAS working out side of the home at a job for over 2yrs, they offered him a pay raise and a manager position and he turned it down because he didn't want the extra responsibility!

When I was 17 I worked at a drug store and became a supervisor within 6 months! I have such drive and self-determination, I don't understand people who just want to get by in life being "mediocre".

Unfortunately dh is very, very immature. he is also very influenced, many of his friends,like 99% of them, are all single, no kids, and are still partying every weekend.

I don't know how I can get through to him that he's immature and step up, he told me one time in an argument that "he will always be immature". I just don't know what to do with him. =/

ps. and about him going to college, he was actually really interested in culinary college, so i found a school, we went and toured it, he liked it, I paid the application fee, and then we got in to some arguments and he kept threatening he wont go to school after all, just to make me mad! because he knows I'LL be the one paying for it if he drops out. well a few weeks after he applied to go there, we got a letter in the mail saying he's been denied. I called the school and they told me his GED scrores were too low and that they can not accept him. so now he doesn't think he can ever go to college because he got declined. =/

jonibug's picture
Joined: 11/27/06
Posts: 781

I don't think the roles of boss and worker have any place in a marriage. If you two can't work as a TEAM, with him able and willing to know what needs to be done w/o you telling him and both of you understand and handle the budget equally (rather than him begging you for money and you buying him things), then this situation won't work, no matter how much easier it is to do the dog grooming business and going to appointments.

I bet you could find a teenage girl who would love to work holidays and after school to help you out. She wouldn't cost nearly as much as a professional child caretaker. And if dh is working out of the home, whatever he is bringing in, however meager it may be, is still supplemental. And if you keep separate bank accounts and decide what bills he needs to pay, it would give him a chance to learn how to handle his finances, which it sounds like he has never done.

Disneykat's picture
Joined: 01/02/07
Posts: 486

Go Donald Trump on his a$$...YOU'RE FIRED. Or threaten to fire him. Period. Put up or shut up buddy.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

LOL...ok guys....this may sound nerdy...but after reading your responses, on how i should handle him, i made up a "contract" if you will, of my expectations. He is gone right now but when he gets home I printed it off and I will give it to him to read. Tell me what you think..lol

"

Work expectations, ethics and guidelines for Mely’s Dog Grooming, Little Bear Daycare, personal assistant, and stay at home daddy titles

Your daily tasks: (that I should NOT have to ask you to do)

  • Take the trash out BEFORE it overflows
  • Feed and water the ferrets, make sure they are getting exercise.
  • Check the mail box

Expectations:

  • You take this job SERIOUSLY.
  • You work with me as a team member
  • You understand your responsibilities
  • You do not complain when given a task. If you have a problem, communicate reasonably to me and we can discuss the problem.
  • Your work starts at 9am, SHARP. You MUST be DOWNSTAIRS, and ready to work by 9am, no matter how tired you are. NO EXCUSES. Go to bed earlier if you are tired in the mornings.
  • You must be dressed and ready to go at 9am. This means wear a shirt, and don’t look like you are tired and a zombie.
  • Keep your laundry off the floor
  • Clean up any messes you see around the house, with out me having to ask
  • You do not have visitors over past midnight during the work week, on your Friday night gatherings; you must end it by 3am.
  • Napping on the job is prohibited, unless sick.
  • You have INITITIVE.
    • If you see that a child is crying, if I am not around, you immediately go in my place, I should not have to ask you.
  • If the dogs look like they need to go out to potty, you let them out with out me having to ask
  • If you see that I am not feeling well and could use a break, relieve me and finish the task to be completed.
  • If I am occupied and/or unable to complete my normal tasks such as lunch time, (for example: I am gone to a doctor appointment and it’s lunch time for the kids) YOU must take the initiative to start lunch, at NORMAL lunch time, and not procrastinate, do not ask me what to feed them, make the choice yourself, a balanced meal and serve it appropriately,
  • If the door bell rings and I am in the kitchen, have initiative and ANSWER the door, greet the client friendly and I will be in momentarily to greet them myself.
  • Answer the phone if it rings, if I can not get to it.
  • While I am busy making lunch for the kids, and they are doing their clean up time, you must check on them to make sure they are doing what they are supposed to do. I should not have to ask you to check on them for me.
  • If the floor is covered in mess, (example: kids left cracker crumbs everywhere) vacuum it up, with out me having to ask.
  • If you are BORED, FIND something productive to do. Organize something. Amuse the kids, etc.
  • If I am working on a dog and am in the middle of grooming, the kids are crying or need something, THEY are first priority. It is YOUR JOB to entertain them while I am doing dog grooming. If I need your assistance with a dog, I will ask, and you do not make me wait, you come over and help at a reasonable pace.
  • If you see I am struggling with a dog (example: dog is becoming aggressive while I am cutting its nails, to make the time of the groom be more efficient, you should come over and assist me, with out me having to ask.

Earned income: $20 a week, for leisure. This does not include cig money or necessities. You do not ask me for more money, UNLESS, it is a family item, (such as a large purchase that the whole family will use) THEN we will discuss, as a family, if we should get this item. Your money will be put in your bank account on Mondays. Do NOT ask for it any earlier. If you want something that is MORE than what you have in your account, then you have to wait until YOU have the full funds, I will not give out credits.

My ideal relationship is one of integrity, respect, friendship, lovers, and teammates. We need to be DONE with the mother-child relationship. Whether it is in our marriage, or our professional relationship, I expect you to have initiative, a drive to succeed, and a showing that you care.

Professionally, I expect you to be on time, more respectful, and work harder. We can still get stuff done and still have fun while working together. This doesn’t have to be a “wife is boss” type of deal. This CAN be a family business, as long as you treat it as such, and take pride in it. It makes the days go much more smoothly if I don’t have to direct you on what to do all day.

In our marriage relationship, I expect more respect, understanding, caring, and affection. I love you more than you know. It breaks my heart when are fighting, hints, why I cry all the time. I know you are not an emotional man. I understand that. I do not expect you to be fake, just to “make me shut up”. But you CAN try harder to show more compassion and understanding and LISTEN to me when I am speaking. When we are BOTH happy, I know we have a great marriage. Let’s continue to set a good example for our boys and show them what love REALLY is.

If you can NOT follow these guidelines, our agreement is terminated, and you must IMMEDIATELY find a FULL TIME job out side of the home. If we can not work together, and if you can not take your role seriously, then it is best you find a job else ware"

Disneykat's picture
Joined: 01/02/07
Posts: 486

I think that is very reasonable. Be ready for a foot stomping and "This is not fair" type attitude from him.

Not nerdy a all. Very professional. If he were out working in a job outside the home, he would have a job description and guidelines/rules to follow. Why should being your assistant allow for a lackadaisical approach?

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Yay! He took it very well! Now...it's 7am here...so I will SEE if he actually gets up and ready by 9am. lol I told him he especailly has to be up by 9am, and before then, starting next month because our oldest starts preschool, and it starts at 9am so i'll need him to watch the daycare kids so I can take DS1 to school.

He was happy now that I give him an "allowance"..Although I still don't really like that, because I don't give myself an allowance, I guess I should start doing that for myself too. I just have really bad guilt buying things for myself. But I am tired of DH asking me for money so this will hopefully cut that out with him having an "allowance" now lol